Sunday, July 31, 2011

Creedmoor in Negotiations to Purchase American Debt



The Admou"r meCreedmoor is said to be in secret talks with his fellow fifth column, Barack Hussein Obama, regarding purchase of the entire debt of the United States.

The Admou"r, who is the second largest issuer of unbacked currency in the world after the United States Government, has offered to print enough bills to assume the entire sovereign debt of the United States.

Obama is now mulling whether to accept a quick Schmoigerman takeover of the US economy or to continue his present policy of slowly allowing China and the Gulf oil dictatorships to purchase the US and diminish its sovereignty over a longer period of time.

Schmoigerman has stated that he would happily install Obama as President-for-Life of the new "Creedmooramerica" so long as he retains full financial control of the new entity. Negotiations are now centering on whether Obama is willing to accept changing the name of the US currency to "der Foodshtemp."

The Admou"r is presently mourning the untimely but nevertheless overdue death of his shaliach to the Zionist entity, Francois Aboutboul of Netanya, and it is unknown when talks with Obama will resume.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor


The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor.

1953: 5795 patients crowded into a hospital built for 4142.

Today: D-ward alone: 150,000,000,000,000,405,981 patients show on Federal entitlement program rolls. Yet, the ward is vacant except for one known part-time resident whose surname of Schmoigerman seems a bit contrived.

The wonders of modern science....or the deepest depths of fraud?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Admou"r Arrested for Harebrained Fish Scheme; To Serve Four Weeks of House Arrest


Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a controversial Grand Rabbi, was arrested and pleaded guilty to one count of "petty and ridiculous fraud in the first degree" after he was observed returning fish heads to a pet store from which he purchased three hundred goldfish in order to make "gefilte fish."

Petco personnel said that Schmoigerman, whose passport states he was born in 1955 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary but who has several birth certificates from Hawaii as well as Kenya, had purchased the entire stock of goldfish from their Jamaica, Queens branch for what he claimed was an aquarium display in his "Bnei Bisha veCherpa" boys' school. The Grand Rabbi paid with an American Express card in the name of Elvis Presley, and showed identification proving that that was indeed his name.

Nevertheless, the Admou"r returned 45 minutes later with 300 decapitated fish and claimed that he was entitled to a full refund as the fish did not survive one week as per the store's guarantee. The store manager called police, who carted Schmoigerman off to the precinct house where he received an expedited desk appearance ticket.

While Schmoigerman claims to be the head of an independent country, he needed to be reminded of the difference between Jamaica, Queens, which is part of the US, and not a party to his scam of a treaty in which he declared independence, and Jamaica, an island nation in the West Indies that recognizes his country as a prerequisite for receiving UN aid under the "Aid to Phantom Nations Which Support Anti-Zionist Entities" program.

Therefore, rather than risking prosecution for over 150 quintillion counts of gross fraud, Schmoigerman was summarily sentenced to 4 weeks of house arrest during which he must wear a 24 karat gold Cartier ankle bracelet.

In other words, due to present events in the community, Creedmoor will begin its three weeks hiatus early. We will return with the two promised updates after 9 Av.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Levi Aron should have been put in Creedmoor a long time ago. Not the Admou"r's fictitious Creedmoor, but the Creedmoor that should never have been reduced in size.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Technical Difficulties


Updates will be posted regarding the camp and the MediCARe scam by next Sunday.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Double Header Tomorrow: Breaking News of New Medicare Scam


As we await the release of the application form for Kemp Chutz laMachane, we have been informed that the Admou"r has been operating a chain of auto repair and collison (or is it collusion) shops that have been billing Medicare and Medicaid, as well as Family Health Plus, for auto repair jobs.

All we know at present is that the Admou"r somehow obtained insurance billing codes from suborned Medicare and Medicaid employees, and that he somehow adapted the codes to automotive parts and procedures. Two of the Federal employees involved in the Medicare scheme have such unusual names, even for Affirmative Action hires, that we are contacting the parties present at their wrongful and unfortunate birth to find out why they carry such originally embarrassing and ethnically diverse names.

More tomorrow as we uncover the mystery of the "Rechev Yisroel" chain of car repair shops and how they manage to turn cars into people for billing purposes.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Shifcha Magazine: A New Women's Magazine


N'shei Creedmoor-East under the direction of Rebbetzin Izevel-Tzoiah-Yachne Schmoigerman is proud to launch the first issue of Shifcha Magazine - the new magazine for the new Jewish woman.

Articles include:

"Supporting Your Husband in Federal Koilel - Don't Leave it All to Fetter Shmeel!"

"Raising Children who were Thrown in Washing Machines as Babies" - special interview with Rebbetzin Dwek, mother of Solomon Dwrek, and Mrs. Weiss, mother of Yisroel Dovid Weiss.

"The Beauty of a Burqa and the Comfort of a Chador - The New Beged Isha from Farkokta Fashions."

"Making the Most of Your Federal Entitlement Benefits."

"Recipe Corner: Using a Suspicious Fire to Grill Meats and Poultry."

"Teaching Your Sons What to Look For When They're on Mishmeres haTznius Duty."

"Raising the Ultimate Menivel or Cholere"

"Eshes Chayil of the Month: Casey Anthony"

"Beauty Secrets from Helen Thomas and Hanan Ashrawi"

"Teaching Your Children to Enjoy and Participate In Machloikes."

"A Summer Wildlife Safari to Circle Square and New Joel."

The magazine is available at:

Byle's Burqas - Ramat Beit Shimush and Jewland Branches

Federal Koilel Store - Williamsburgh, Double Park and Jewland

Schnorred Shaitlach - Otisville

Byse Esav d'Creedmoor

and from your local mosque or al-Qaeda front operation.

Price: 3 EBT units or 5 foodshtempelach

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Coming Sunday: A New Summer Camp for Your Precious Children


Introducing "Kemp Chutz laMachane" - the new summer camp for the second half of summer that undoes the damage caused by your child's first half of summer camp! And "Machane Machon Nevela" for girls - run by the famous staff of the "Machon Nevela" seminary that has educated three generations of Federal koilel wives in the fine art of dependency on Federal entitlement programs.

Aren't you tired of your little Moishele coming home and talking about ahavas Yisroel and learning and being a tzaddik? Aren't you sick of your Fyga Byla showing off childish arts and crafts projects and telling about how she went with her bunk to visit an old age home and talk to the decrepit elte kokehlach there?

Well, now you can get your child ready for the same double life you've always been leading! We'll make sure you can shep nachas in 10 years or so when your son begins his first five years of learning at Otisville or Fort Dix while your daughter is busy collecting welfare payments so she can buy a new $2000 sheitel every month!

Kemp Chutz laMachane for boys and Machane Machon Nevela for girls....starts August 1 and check back here Sunday to find out how to register....the camps are conveniently located between Jewland and Otisville!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Admou"r Asks Chassidim to Commit Arson with Venezuelan Gasoline for Recovery of Chavez


The Admou"r meCreedmoor woke up long enough to declare a Day of Burning in the zchees of a refiah shelyma for Hugo Chavez, the bulwark against Zionist domination of Latin America and a major provider of gasoline to the Admou"r's various nefarious enterprises.

He asks that "All who follow in the most waning and flickering light that is Chassidus Creedmoor are to buy 11 gallons of Citgo Premium gasoline for every 100 square feet of their most heavily insured uninhabited properties. They are then to recite "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez" while soaking one Zionist flag with gasoline and spilling all remaining gasoline on the premises to be burnt. Finally, the flag must be lit and thrown into the building while singing "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez Melech haMasriach Leoilam Voed" to the tune of "Another One Bites the Dust."

This will bring about the full and complete healing of the great Hugo Chavez, Liberator of Venezuela.