Thursday, April 30, 2009

Madoff and Borukhova Honored at Yom Ha'Atzamois Banquet...


In keeping with the Creedmoor tradition of rewarding the grossest and most vile mechalelei Hashem of the year, Bernard Madoff was honored at the main sryfis hadegel and banquet, and Dr Mazoltuv Borukhova was the guest of greatest esteem at the N'shei Cholere d' Chabad Yom ha'Atzamois truncheon luncheon and burqa fashion exhibition.

And both were officialy welcomed into the bathroom medicine cabinet of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor - Madoff as Finance Minister and Borukhova as Minister of Health and Instant Justice.

But everyone knows that both of these great and honorable people are under government was it that both showed up at a banquet held in the exercise ward of Creedmoor?

Did the Admou"r really manage to outscam and take advantage of the greatest scammer of the century while he defrauded a heartless murderer? 

We know the answer is of course in the affirmative..........................

More coming on Sunday.....

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Another Preview - The Schmoigerman Flu


Mohammed Abd ul-Jamhariya ul-Karime* Werczberger, (sometimes spelled Muhammad, Mohammad, Muhamad, or even Mehmet or Mahmoud, with his surname being rendered as Wercberger, Wircberger, Wertzberger, or even Weinberger or Whank(berg)er for that matter if another cheque needed to be issued to another bureaucrat so he would participate in and therefore  overlook the devious machinations of the Schmoigerman fraud empire), is a typical, average, undistinguished student in the Yeshiva Ktana Pesha veResha elementary school system of the Creedmoorer communities.

That is to say, he does not exist in the flesh or in any other place, time, planet or dimension except on the welfare, Medicaid, SSI, and disability rolls of the US Federal Government and as the child of one or more recipients of Section 8 and heating assistance.

So, when little Mohammed needs a checkup in order to get prescription drugs, or medical equipment, or SSI, or disability, or anything that can be given to a physically, developmentally, mentally and existentially deficient young lad, his medical diagnosis, to say nothing of his height and weight, changes at will.

Last winter, the Admou'r needed hundreds of doses of human growth hormone for his illegal online pharmacy, SchmoigerDrug (known colloquially as SchmatteDreck). Of course, he made those hundreds into thousands by diluting the bit of legitimate hormone he obtained with vinegar and liquefied galle, but he did have to get at least some actual medication to begin with.

So, young Mohammed was duly reported by ten different Medicaid clinics as weighing 50 lbs and standing a mere three feet tall at the age of eleven.

And when the Admou'r's orders for diet pills increased for the Pesach eating season, Mohammed suddenly gained weight to tip the phantom scales at a colossal, veritably ursine if not bovine, 200 pounds at a less than towering 4 feet of height.

The Admou'r has an order for electric chairs from some Nigerian prince? No problem. Mohammed was duly diagnosed as a hopeless quadriplegic (after an accident in which he fell off the face of the Earth where he had never been seen in any event), in need of eleven electric wheelchairs for each spelling of his name because he suffered from Tourette's and personality disorders that caused him to wreck every last chair he received......

But now was the time for the ultimate. The Schmoigerman Flu.

For Yoim HaAtzamois had arrived and the grand Admou"r had no intention of using any of his present cash reserves to fund celebrations that would burn throughout the galaxy....

(part 2 coming on Sunday)

* Servant of the Generous Government

The Schmoigerman Flu Ravages Creedmoor


It all began when Mohammed Werczberger, a star talmid in Yeshiva Ktana Pesha ve'Resha, had forms sent to Patelowitz Medicaid Mill in East Flatbush for reimbursement. 

Rajesh Patel and Shmilu Arskowitz, two deluxe Creedmoorers with hard earned medical diplomas duly designed and printed by Hakolbishvili and Sons of Rego Park, hit upon a new diagnosis that would earn their esteemed and addled Master, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, trillions upon trillions of dollars of Federal funds for cleanup and flu prevention - and for the greatest Yoim HaAtzamois festivities ever known to Creedmoor.

The diagnosis: The Schmoigerman Flu.

Symptoms: A feverish desire to extort funds from Federal, State, municipal and local bureaucracies for phantom persons and organizations combined with a gross aversion to productive work or even meaningful study of any kind. Characterized by excessive religious fanaticism and a desire to destroy the Zionist state, shared by the EU, the US state department and the Islamic (nether) world.

The number of victims diagnosed: eleven billion.

The number of dwelling, school, yeshiva and storage premises which had to be burned down for insurance in order to sterilize them after exposure to the Schmoigerman Flu virus: three hundred million.

Total square footage affected: Three times the overall square footage inhabitable by mankind on planet Earth.

Total funds due: Eight hundred and fifty quintillion dollars, all payable in EBT cards and food stamps.

More available on this scam of the millenium on Sunday as reports come in about how the Schmoigerman Flu funded super intergalactic Yoim HaAtzamois flag burnings from Monsey to yes, the Pluto formerly known as a planet....

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Warning: Tznius during Yom ha'Atzamois Festivals


It has come to our attention that our hyliger chassidois are removing their tin foil and plastic burqas due to heat generated at the Yom ha'Atzamois "gitte sryfis "celebrations.

This is inimical to all we stand for as Chassidei Creedmoor and this practice is clearly one of acquiesence to the evil klipa of tzioinis.

Therefore we warn all women and parents of girls that any violation of full covering with a tinfoil burqa or chador may lead to the ultimate punishment of declaring the sryfo null and void for insurance purposes so that any benefit derived therefrom will instead accrue in full to the Admou"r rather than just being subject to the customary 310% 5 Iyar maaser.

A Yom ha'Atzamois (Youm an'Naqba) Reminder from the Admou"r meCreedmoor


As we prepare to greet the saddest day of the calendar, the anniversary of the greatest tragedy in Jewish history, we must remember that it is our goal to convert darkness into light, and there is no light greater than that of an insurance fire.

Any flag burned must be burned indoors after being soaked with kerosene, and whoever burns it close to a source of natural gas or heating oil is especially worthy of praise. 

Regardless of our intention to burn it, the tzioinishe flag may NOT be purchased from a tzioinish vendor or sewn in the tzioinish entity. 

Therefore, we urge all of those who will follow in the great light generated by the burning of the flags purchase same only from Schmoigerman's Fabric in Creedmoor Shopping Plaza, as said flags are sewn by Muslims using fabric from Iranian mills.

This year's prices are:

Small Flag - for burning single family apartments and homes - 100 Food Stamps or 60 Euro.

Medium Flag - for burning multiple family dwellings - 165 Food Stamps or 210 Euro.

Large Flag - for burning full apartment buildings or warehouses - 250 Food Stamps or 315 Euro

Super Size Flag - for burning shopping malls, office complexes - 500 Food Stamps or 623 Euro (we cannot accept a price of 613 as this includes commandments which are considered null and void by our Chassidus, such as loi signoiv and does not include those which the Admou"r commands to his hyliger Chassidim such as "do not leave any abandoned building without burning it").

Kerosene from Iran will be available as in prior years at the price of 8 food stamps or 11 Euro per gallon. Barrels of 55 gallons are available at a special discount price of 918 food stamps or 1000 Euro per barrel.

First come, first served. A small selection of First Oven flags, those which have already been partially burned by Rabbi Schmoigerman and are therefore considered dovor shebekedusha, are available for 110 food stamps per square inch. 

Also, as in previous years, Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster will be on hand to supply addresses of buildings that are in need of a gitte sryfo. He will be joined by Izzy der Insurance Macher who will write all necessary policies and collect a token first premium so that they are in effect before the property is set alight.

We wish all a gitte sreyfe!

Creedmoor Prepares for Day of Mourning


5 Iyar, the day on which the Zionist State proclaimed independence, is the saddest day on the Creedmoorer calendar. 

At present the Admou"r and his 150 quintiliion chassidim are planning a display of fire, the likes of which the five boroughs and Rockland County have never seen before.

Sponsors include the Federal Government Superfund cleanup fund, Axa, Aetna, AIG (which acts a a sponsor thanks to a special Schmoigerman Loss Related Bailout Program), Fireman's Fund (Schmoigerman's favorite as thanks to his poor English he misunderstands the simple fact that a fireman is one who puts out fires), Generali, and many other insurance firms.

We understand that fires will be set simultaneously in as many as one million abandoned warehouses, railway yards, crack houses and similar eyesores throughout the world, using kerosene soaked Zionist flags as kindling. What is not certain is whether or not these properties exist on any official maps besides the ones generated by Schmoiger Surveying, Ltd, a shadowy title insurance firm with locations in Creedmoor and Alcatraz.

In any event, look out for special coverage of the 5 Iyar festivities as well as halachic guidelines for hosting a sreyfas hadegel celebration in your shul or home.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Schmoigerman Founds New Social Service and Patrol Organization


Press release sent out by Creedmoor Public Relations Department:

Forget about Shomrim. And move over, Chaveirim.

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is bringing his special blend of kanoius, grubkeit and gezel to communities throughout the US by training volunteers for his new patrol and chessed organization - Bulvanim!

Bulvanim will provide services including arson for hire, beating of improperly dressed women and girls, staged robberies, intervention in domestic and organizational disputes, forging of documents, assistance with multiple welfare applications, dubious heterei meah rabbonim (a specialty given all of Rabbi Schmoigerman's own multiple personalities) and much, much more.

Need loshon horo and pashkvilkelach scattered about town? Bulvanim is your answer.

And Bulvanim charges a portion of the profit (120 - 450%) only if successful. Otherwise, Bulvanim services are free.

Out of yeshiva and on the streets? Bulvanim needs YOU! Join Bulvanim NOW and have the time of your life while you help people and make some good money at the same time! Why hang around and be a bum when you can be a proud Bulvan!

Please note that all Bulvanim volunteers must either be over 6 ft tall and/or weigh over 250 pounds and/or have one or more arrests for violent crimes at the time of application. We assist you in meeting the second 2 requirements with a combination of kigel, cholent and a trial assignment or 2.

Call 1-888-BUL-VANN now! 

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Reminder: Do NOT count the tzioinishe sfira!


Divrye mechooh fin der hyliger Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra ve rosh verishoin lekoil dovor shebegezel vemirmo: 

The "sfiras haoimer" which is counted by those who have usurped the title of bnei Yisroel from us, the purest and holiest Jews who follow in the ways of our forefathers who were known as Koirach veadasoi and therefore do not contaminate ourselves with the Tzioinish tumois haklipa which are known as "ehrlichkeit and menschlichkeit" is not the correct sfiras haoimer. 

The only sfiras haoimer which is valid and true to our ways is the one which was handed down to us at the welfare center along with our food stamps and section 8 vouchers. We must keep our camps pure and free of any productive activity or proper Torah study and therefore must never walk in the ways of tumah which are the life force of the klipa of tzioinis.

We remember that it has always been the practice of those who follow in the holy light of the flickering one watt bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor ve'shaar marin bishin that we count from Yoim HaAtzamois (5 Iyar, the saddest day on the Jewish calendar) to the day after Krachtzmas (26 December).

A calendar and explanation will be made available this coming zintag in time to begin counting.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Coming Soon: Creedmoor Iranian Islamic Interfaith Sharia Beis Din!



The Pistachio is Not as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran and the Independent Anti-Zionist Nation of the Disjointed, Desalted and Holiest of Holy Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor will jointly operate a new Sharia Beis Din in which punishments are meted out for civil and criminal offenses according to the most perverse and disrespected opinions of both Jewish and Islamic law.

Judges will include a hanging judge and a Surgeon Amputator from the Iranian side and the hyliger gedoilim of our generation, Rabbis Dovid Schmoigerman and two of his multiple personality dayanim from the Creedmoorer side. Rumors cannot be confirmed that Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (Yisroel Dovid Weiss) will be participating; however given his exposure to Iran and his expertise in misinterpreting halacha for his own ends it is believed al-Beyda will at least serve as a consultant to the new Islamic rabbinical court.

More coming next Sunday insh'allah yemach shmo....

"The Cashorcharger Rebbe": Schmoigerman aged 12-14


We received this letter from Rabbi Y.L.G, who was Dovid Schmoigerman's teacher in yeshiva ktana (translated from Yiddish):

"Thank you for your constant updates about my most memorable talmid, Dovid Schmoigerman. He was 12 when I had the distinct displeasure of having to teach him basic Mishna and Chumash as well as basic semi-human midois.

You would probably be thrilled to know that Dovid began his career as an admou"r when he was in my class. He came to yeshiva every day wearing a bekeshe and shtreimel 3 sizes too big for him, and at lunch he would terrorize younger talmidim into giving him their lunches and snacks so that he could sell them back to his victims at 5 times the price paid. If he did not receive the money, he would harass the parents and tell them that their son was affected by some klala or another and that paying him $50 would be the best way to make sure their sons were not thrown out of yeshiva for having this klala.

He would then ask for another $150 for a brocho, and at the end of the transaction, to which some scared parents actually did agree, he would ask "kesh or charge". (Apparently he had a deal with a local shop to allow him to get cash in exchange for credit card numbers which the shop would bill and then abuse. Schmoigerman received up to 40% of the take from the abuse of the numbers as well).

Thus, he became known as the Cashorcharger Rebbe. 

Little did his Chassidim know that their Rebbe was 12 years old and wore high heeled women's shoes, hidden by his overly long bekeshe, in order to look as if he was of adult size and height.

From what I remember the scam lasted until he was 14 or so and discovered such pleasures as used jewelry swindles, sale of stolen merchandise, and the bedrock of his Rebbeschaft today, welfare and Medicaid fraud. He was expelled from yeshiva ktana in any case after about 6 months of his shtick and managed to forge papers showing that he still was a talmid in our yeshiva while he spent most of his days doing his Rebbe shtick."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

How to donate used Pesach tinfoil to "Foil for Fools":


As the Zionist chag draws to an end especially in the Zionist entity, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is once again pleased to be able to offer the invaluable service of tinfoil collection to Tzionish households throughout the world.

All used tinfoil will be recycled to make tin foil yarmulkes, shtreimlach and fedoras. Thanks to your generous donations, the increasing number of apprehended hymish scam artists and white collar criminals will be able to wear tin foil head gear at trial and sentencing hearings. Therefore, our proud machers and knackers can successfully convince judges that they are not guilty or not sentenceable by reason of insanity.

This will spare so many households the loss of their breadwinners, and so many nshei chayil the loss of their Lexuses, chandeliers, 3000 dollar sheitlach and Prada tichlach.

However, we request that before you mail your tinfoil to us (no postage please and no return address so that it will be delivered to us postage due, and in turn we can pay with counterfeit food stamps and the like) that you heat it with a blowtorch and then toivel it in a mikveh (with at least a rating of 80 on the loshon horo scale) to remove any and all chashash tumas haTzioinis.

Please mail all used and duly prepared tin foil to:

Foil for Fools
D-Ward - Beis Schmoigerman 
Merkoz Mishegoyim
Creedmoor Psychiatric Center
Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Disjointed Anti-Zionist Communities of Creedmoor and Similar Unpleasant Happenings
Queens Village, Queens, Hymieshtodt
Occupied Zionist Territory of the Tryfe Medine of America

Thank you and may your generous donations and our generous use of the insanity defense prevent the final redemption of anything other than triple coupons for more tin foil at the nearest tzioinish supermarket.

Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Creedmoorer Chad Gadyo and quick Echod Mi Yodea..


Man tatte bought a goat
He paid shoyn two C-note
He took that lousy goat
And cut its own throat

Life insurance for the goat
Was enough to buy a boat
In the river go the boat
And Tatty say it doesn't float

Insurance paid twice for the boat
And ten times for the goat
Not bad for a stinkin goat
That cost just 2 C-note

For Tatty that wasn't enough
Cuz life is getting tough
He buy diamonds in the rough
And a machine he can buff

The machine he say no work
But Tatty iz no jerk
He call the insurance clerk
On his face a great big smirk

Insurance send many C-note
Lots more den for the goat
And ten times den for da boat
Tatty puff up and gloat

So Tatty buy a store
Make a fire, den no more
Burn down to the core
And insurance pay the store

Den Tatty build a mall
No one rent dere at all
A flood ruin the mall
And insurance pay for all

Again Tatty puff up and gloat
Much more than for the goat
Dat Tatty slit its throat
And buy for just 2 C-note

Tatty say now he poor
And business he not sure
No insurance no more
Kollel open its door

Tatty get Section-8
SSI cause he's tzu drayt
He get up very late
Then check de Forex rate

He learn a line a day
Not care he get no pay
Dere is just no way
Welfare know what he put away

Not bad for just a goat
Dat cost only 2 C-note


Who knows one?
I know one!
One is the Admou"r meCreedmoor
Without his welfare names!

Who knows two? 
I know two!
Two are the Creedmoor shuls
In Creedmoor and Alcatraz!

Who knows three?
I know three!
Three are the Creedmoorer kehillos
On the tax exemption rolls!

Who knows four?
I know four!
Four are the ways to off someone
Lead, sword, rope and stones!


Who knows eight?
I know eight!
Eight is the section of the Housing Act!


Who knows 150 quintillion?
I know 150 quintillion!
150 quintillion are the Chassidim of the Admou'r
In Heaven, on Earth and in the stars!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Matza Breakage Insurance Scam Linked to Schmoigerman


(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

When AXA, AETNA, Generali, Allstate, State Farm, USAA, AIG and Fireman's Fund simultaneously received policies insuring over 15000 tons of hand made Passover "shmura" matza against breakage, along with 150000 claims of breakage per ton, their representatives suspected a massive scam.

And as with any massive scam related to Jewish practices, or Judaica, the details and mechanism of the scam pointed to one man, albeit one man with a whopping 150 quintillion known multiple personalities, all duly recorded as policy holders.

His name: Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman,  just as well known in the annals of white collar crime (and as lovingly ridiculed in the world of Chassidic Jewry) as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Once again, the champion miscreant made the lives of investigators very easy by admitting to his scam:

"Listen, I iz nisht keeping der Tzioinish yom tov fin Pysach shoyn tzvantzig yohr since der foundink fin der tryfe medine. But I am knowink dat dese matzos which is usink der Tzioinim iz always breakink and den dey ken't make der brooche. So it very simple; I am sayink dat myne bakeraye (Schmoigerman Shmura Chazzerai-Bekerei) iz makink dis year 15000 tons fin shmira matze and yeder matze is tzebrochen geven!

So dat means I ken't sell none fin dem and iz gekimin tzi mir a big insurance because Schmoigerman matzes iz all first oven, 18 minute end sellz far 100 tolar a pound.

And anyway dis iz no problem far der insurance-kompanies because Obama darf gibn dem a bailout anyway far helpink me in my multicultural ektivities!"

Schmoigerman has already contacted US and EU bureaucrats who promise to print more currency so as to stimulate the economy by paying off the debts of the insurance companies to him and his 150 quintillion co-insured. 

If this does not succeed, Schmoigerman is expected to print trillions and trillions more of his own independent currency, the foodshtemp, and ask that it be added to the new planned "Special Drawing Rights" replacement world currency.

Analysts predict that Schmoigerman may also attempt to purchase the insurance firms which he has bilked by assuming their debts to him and his co-insured and then petitioning the Obama administration for a bailout which would also be payable to him and his co-insured.

However, the Obama administration is said to be loathe to approve scams greater than those which are perpetrated by said administration itself.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Schmoigerman Reiterates Ruling Banning Pesach Sedorim



"The concept from the redemption fin golus Mitzrayim and in fekt der redemption of anythink other dan phoney bonds, food shtemps and Section Acht vouchers iz foreign and alien to the true Judaism azoy was prekctised by inzerer hyliger entzesters about whom it is said 'in the beginnink our ancestors was worshippers of idols'"

As our goal iz to machzir atoore leyoishno and to claim iz stolen all the silver atoores from as many tallesim ez we ken manage to get insurance from end make sure no one iz machzir dem tallesim oder der atoores, we is remindink inzerer Chassidim det it is osser lemehadrin to celebrate the Pesach cider, hard, sweet or uddervize, as iz done by the Tzioinish reshoim leminyehem! We must remember dat we iz the ones about whom is said 'If he was dere he wouldn't be redeemed' end ekt akkordinkly!

On Zintag we are askink dat inzerer Chassidim iz joinink inzerer shygetz neighborz who is givink inz zo generously der velfare in their Ister selebrations."


Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman of the Cretinaceous Constellation of Creedmoor Congregations (Perud Kehillas Creedmoor), inkludink Khal Anshei Domim veMirma d'Creedmoor, Kehillas Gezel veMirma d'Creedmoor and Kehilla Keidesha Adas Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hashyme Yashmidyehem ve Yeabaydem.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Grand Rabbi Schmoigerman Prohibits Birkas HaChama!


The Grand Rabbi of the Cretinaceous Constellation of Congregations of Creedmoor, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, has condemned and prohibited the saying of Birkas haChama tomorrow or on any day except December 25.

"Dis is nonsense. The Tzioinim make up this brooche they should trick us into sayink dat the sun is where it is on first day the medine is founded! 

We fin Creedmoor are opposed in any case to light in any form because inzerer emina is based on choishech, darkness. If ever a bissele licht, a bit from light, was to seep into inzerer community all dat we is standing for and even sitting for, gezel, mirma, shfichis domim, gilui arayis, arson end gross fraud, is sure to melt away in the sunlight!

So I am sayink dat we iz havink to make sure never to say no brooches far light and sun azoy vi inzerer vaig iz der vaig fin finsterliche choishech, doubled and redoubled darkness that must never, ever see light!

However on December 25th is the light in which is walking the goyim who is makink sure we is able to get all fin inzere subsidies end velfare end insurance and for them it is recumbent upon us to say a brooche!"

Monday, April 06, 2009

Pesach Schedule


Yesterday I did not have a proper connection to the Net; the problem was resolved only late this morning.

And believe it or not, the environmental post will take a little research on my part to understand what a carbon credit is according to the Kyoto Protocol so that I can understand and explain the gibberish which Schmoigerman sent me regarding his EU emissions credit scheme.

I hope to do this by erev Pesach; if not then since comedy is mutar during sfira I will return IYH the Sunday after Pesach (and it hardly matters that Moshiach will have come by then because according to Rambam Schmoigerman's nature will not change for at least 40 years and comedy will still be mutar!)

So, in case I do not blog again until after Pesach, I wish my readers a kosher in frylichen Pysach and hatzlacha mitten dem gitte sryfes.

On behalf of the Admou"r, I remind everyone who intends to kasher according to the most machmir method of libum (torching) of all surfaces in your home (as endorsed by the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his sefer Nesivois Tzoiah ha-Roitachas), to please schnell roft zan our affiliated agent Schlumiel-Schlemendrick Hoizbrenner. 

Hoizbrenner has been relocated from Otisville to G-building and can be reached at 917-BURN-IT. In recognition of the poor economy and therefore the greater demand for his services, he offers a package for EUR 999.99 payable in 10 easy payments of EUR 399.99 per month for 12 months. 

The "Schmoiger-Package" includes incineration of up to 3000 sq. ft of property, insurance with Assicurazoni Schmoigerman SpA of Sicily, as well as the services of Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster. Hymie will be on hand to properly adjust both the gas taps in your home and the fire marshal's report as needed.

Call him now! 

Friday, April 03, 2009

Newsflash: Schmoigerman Builds Grave and Memorial Park


(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

Once again, the incorrigible Scourge of Creedmoor, the inimitable self ordained Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman, has hit new lows in his consistent attempt to defraud all and sundry.

At his infamous "Yahrtzeit Tish," where he commemorates the supposed founding of his community, he instructed his followers to build a grave and memorial park on yet another swath of abandoned Creedmoor territory.

And what name appears on the gravestone?

His own, of course, along with a date of death April 1, 1948.

Since Schmoigerman is not more than 50 years old according to the one arrest record which we do have access to (misdemeanor attempt to bribe a traffic policeman with frozen "galle" in West Virginia in 1975), such a gravestone can only mean yet another elaborate attempt to either commit fraud on a colossal scale or to conceal one of his many known schemes.

All we know at this point is that Schmoigerman told his followers:

"Is by us a Chassidis fin 150 kvintillyon neshumes. We is havink drei shils, fir yeshives, un more from 500 kvintilyon welfare cheques beink donated every month! Dis is not good enough! Yeder andere chassidis also iz hevink a kever of dere old rebbe to go to far brooches and aytzes! We also must to have such a tink and not in Europe neither but doh in Kridmoor! Derfar, I is hereby proclaimink dat we is to build for me a kever, a grevestone, so people iz comink end askink me far brooches even if I am gone! And I want der should be dere a gate dat can be opened only mit an EBT kartel oder a kredit-kard..."

Loosely translated, the Admou"r has asked that a gravestone be erected for him behind a gate that can be opened only with payment made by welfare or credit card.

While this is par for the course for the plastic and tinfoil clad Grand Rabbi of a congregation that seems to exist only on subsidy rolls, what we cannot determine is whether Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to proclaim himself deceased to either escape prosecution for his various and sundry fraudulent scams. 

Sources inform us that even if he does proclaim his own death and issue himself a "peyger'n tzertifikat" (a legal document issued by his rump Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred and now recognized by Nigeria and Zimbabwe along with the EU, Venezuela, Iran and Turkmenistan), he will simply resurrect himself with either a new name or a new forged birth certificate under the same name but with a place of birth other than "Vilyemsberg Refugee Enkepment, Ingarn" and a date of birth other than "Unknown, 1948".

Preview: Der Admou"r Becomes an EnvironMentalist.


Among the other chidushim we heard at the Yahrtzeit Tish was a lengthy speech in which der Admou"r sheyirfash spoke about global warming and the need to recycle.

Considering the amount of plastic and tin foil used by the nearly 200 quintillion known and duly registered Creedmoorer Chassidim, the spurious revenues accruing to the Admou'r for recycling this waste (or somehow proving that he has collected it for recycling) are astounding.

Add to that the noxious and ozone deforming gases produced by burning down the number of buildings that the Admou"r and his Chassidim claim to incinerate every hour on the hour, and the potential for abuse of worldwide environmental laws reaches truly Creedmoorian proportions.

So how is the Admou"r managing to profit from both recycling AND creating huge amounts of pollution?

More coming soon.....

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Donors Cheated by Renegade Rebbe


"A toilet and a shed! For this I drove all the way from Monroe?" So lamented Joel Gross, a textile wholesaler and budding philanthropist from Kiryas Joel in Orange County.

What he was tempted by was an invitation to "Join Rabbi Schmoigerman for the Dedication of his New Community Synagogue and Education Center".

And this invitation was not free of charge. 

"I sent to Schmoigerman a truckload of white and blue fabric that he should sew Zionist flags and burn them. He give me an IRS receipt for ten thousand and an invitation to his new shul building finishing ceremony. I finds out first that he is actually selling the fabric at half my wholesale and taking EBT payments for it. Then I say, well, OK, he wanted to get some money to build his shil, until I gets there and sees his new shtibl."

What he saw shocked and surprised him:

"Three tool sheds and a toilet house! That is what he's got there! Nothing no one can pray in, nothing no one can learn in, even simple paint jobs he didn't do. And he wants to give me, you know, a brooche, a blessing, and he asks me to come into the bathroom house! He is crazy; that place smells even from the tool sheds!"

Our investigative reporters visited the new synagogue, one of three or four unauthorized structures which have sprouted on the abandoned parts of the grounds of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. We indeed saw the self appointed Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman welcoming guests, most of whom were Creedmoor staff members but also including a few bona fide Chassidic Jews, to a low shed marked "The Congregation of Falsehood and Deceit of the Chassidim of Creedmoor, May the Lord Destroy it And Lay It To Waste".

And indeed he was giving private audiences in a foul smelling outdoor facility that had once been an outhouse, once in this case meaning prior to World War One.

Legal experts confirmed that not only could Schmoigerman not be prosecuted for his latest shenanigans by virtue of his diagnosis of incorrigible insanity, but that any tax receipts he issued are of no value whatsoever.

Rumors of an impending insurance fire at the new synagogue have not yet been confirmed but are most probably accurate.

Preliminary Yahrtzeit Tish Coverage: 80 Qunitillion New Personalities To Promote Machloikes!


As of now we have only the following summary of the 61st Yahrtzeit Tish (we believe that we will be able to post more upon our next contact with the Admou"r later today or early tomorrow):

"And I hereby now to proclaim dat der yohr I am making nisht less den 80 kvinitillion naye hyliger neshumes, new personelities solely far the purpose from creatink more machloikes in Creedmoor and derefar postponink forever the tzioinishe pipe dream from geula and redemption! And each of them is to be subsidied by der Fetter Shmiel as a tikkin for der Amerikanisher support fin der tzioinish entity! We is overkomink! We is prevailink!

Also I am sayink dat is not enough two Creedmoorer Chassidus'n (note that the 2 official congregations to date are the larger and better known K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin and the breakaway K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirma d'Creedmoor). It is recumbent upon us dat we must create a third kehilla and I am namink dis one "Kehillas Gezel veMirma d'Creedmoor Hashem Yashmideyhee veYeabdyhee!"

Dis is so dat we can finally take over and rebuild E-ward as we is outgrowink D-ward and now E-ward also is ebendoned and it is to be ours! And I am direktink dat all three kehillois kedyshes is to be machink all the time machloikes in milchomes each one mit both from der anderer!

We iz tenkful to der Obama administration far new programs det is allowink us to grow in leaps from bounds in entitlement program fraud and to even be able to esk far our own bailout passage!"

Indeed, a "Cheat the Government Now, I'll Show You How" seminar was held for official Creedmoor patients and staff in the "newly liberated E-ward". Said ward consists of one pre war outhouse and three storage sheds, which were duly cleared out so that they would hold seminar participants. After the seminar, participants were invited to the outhouse (now called the Beis Kisse HaKovoid) to view the Admou"r sitting on the vintage throne which remained preserved in the long shut facility.

And the Department of Health and Human Services advertised on such bastions of diversity as WBAI and Pacifica in search of properly ethnically diverse temporary data clerks to handle the huge influx of Schmoigerman generated welfare and unemployment applications.

Veho'ir Creedmoor tzoholo vesameicho...