Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Moshe Aryeh Friedman To Be Installed as Pope on Sunday March 17


We have just obtained confirmation of an arson fire that resulted in black smoke passing over the Vatican. In addition, a 350 pound man dressed in a red shtreimel, green dress, and rubber boots was seen attempting to affix a "For Lease" sign to the front door of the Basilica of S. Peter and a sign marked "K'hal Adass Ganovim d'Vatican - Shygetz Aross" above a side door. His assistant was arrested for affixing a "St. Patrick's Day Pub Special" sign to the Papal Restroom, but he was mysteriously freed after the Vatican guards received a call explaining that this sign referred to the day of the ascent of the new Pope to the Porcelain Throne.

The Admou'r meCreedmoor has asked Mel Gibson and Pat Buchanan to join him on a special beis din of sonei Yisroel who will confirm the Admou"r's candidate for the papacy, namely Moshe Aryeh Friedman. The confirmation was postponed to Sunday as the Admou"r is in Venezuela to comfort those mourning for Hugo Chavez.

Friedman, who is in the midst of founding a new educational network for his children somewhere in the bowels of a public toilet in the Antwerp train station, cannot be reached for comment.

Monday, March 04, 2013

Matzois Arzei HaLevanoin - FAQs


The response to our advertisement for Matzois Arzei HaLevanoin has been overwhelming. We are producing additional loads to meet demand.

We have received several questions which we would like to answer on behalf of our extinguished present and potential clientele:

1) Are these matzos eco-kosher?
  • Yes. We are very environmentally conscious. All of the cedars used to enrich our matzos were harvested using suicide bombers, whose remains were in turn processed into organic fertilizer. Their belts were processed into the glue that is used to keep these matzos together.
2) Why can't I get these matzos in a regular store?
  • These matzos are free of any taint of Zionism. They are sent by special courier to our authorized dealers, who are the only ones that handle the boxes until you buy them. We hope to have them available in major supermarkets throughout Teheran, as well as in the Natanz Nuclear World Mall, in time for Pesach.
3) What can I do with leftover Matzois Arzei haLevanoin?
  • They are useful for repairing large holes in wooden and sheetrock walls. You can even use them in place of sheet metal for repairing rusted or corroded car fenders. Of course, you can soak them with kerosene and mount a poorly wired electrical device on each one if you are facing foreclosure but still have a good insurance policy. No adjuster will ever believe you used matzos to mount a light switch, so you'll get away with your very own insurance adjustment.
4) Can you recommend a good seder wine to go with Matzois Arzei haLevanoin?
  • Certainly. Creedmoor will release a new wine just in time for Pesach. It is called Candeggina Bianca di Tutti Bianchi and it has a low alcohol content. This delicious Italian wine is under the supervision of the Beis Din Tzedek of the Vatican, and it will be released later this week when we confirm the choice of the Creedmoorer candidate for the papacy, the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman.
5) How many of these matzos do I have to eat to be yoitze the Seder?
  • Four, to symbolize the Arba Misois Beis Din. We keep the prices low so you'll be able to afford all the matzos you need, as well as any necessary medical treatment related to consumption of these matzos.
6) Are these matzois produced by workers who are treated properly?
  • Certainly. We want our workers to be part of the whole Pesach experience, so we treat them the way Paroi treated slaves. All of our workers are illegal aliens who cannot find employment elsewhere because the evil Zionist regime in the Domain of the Great Satan does not allow them to work. We give them an opportunity to serve as unpaid laborers for our matzos, which taste much like the bricks that Bnei Yisroel made in Mitzrayim. The mashgichim are quick to physically discipline any worker who makes so much as one mistake, and pay is docked routinely for the most minor infraction. This is how we keep our expenses down and our quality high. Our average worker is indebted to us for $8,000 for penalties as well as for assistance with immigration papers. We are proud to be the first factory outside of China to earn the "Sweatshop Seal," which is awarded only to those factories that truly get the most out of each of their workers.

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Matzois Arzei haLevanoin - Free of Zionist Ingredients


This year, thanks to a special deal between the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his Hezbollah buddies, Creedmoor Mehadreck Mart is offering:

Matzois Arzei haLevanoin!
These matzois are made with Malaysian rubber-wood chips and enriched with real Lebanese cedar sawdust for a taste you'll never forget! The Admou"r obtained enough sawdust for over 10,000 pounds of matzo by exchanging it for 18,000 gallons of year-old galle.
They are gluten-free, wheat-free, lactose-free, taste-free and certified 100 percent indigestible. These matzos are under the kashrus supervision of the Creedmoorer Rabbinical Council and Moshe Aryeh Friedman, and they have earned the approval of the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (B(D)S) movement as they use only 100 percent anti-Zionist ingredients.
Only a limited amount of Matzois Arzei haLevanoin are available this year, so order fast.
Price: 804.50 food stamps per pound. We accept Iranian rials at the daily rate of exchange, and for a limited time we will accept US dollars at the rate of $1.86 to the food stamp.

Available from:

Mehadreck Mart, Creedmoor
Moshe Aryeh Friedman, Antwerp
Elchonon Beck, London
Srool-Doovid Weiss, Monsey
Billy Mo Weberman - Williamsburgh
Otisville Commissary (Federal Kollel Grocery)
Solomon Dwrek- (Ess Dwek Deli - Moser Kosher Foods) - Cumberland FCI, Maryland

Monday, February 18, 2013

Moshe Aryeh Friedman is Not Dead


There are rumors that Moshe Aryeh Friedman removed himself from this world last week. These rumors are completely unfounded.

Other rumors claim he is in Manchester, home of senior Ku Klutz Karta kleagle (or kigel) Ahron Cohen, the Szarkonosvary Rov. These are also incorrect. He remains in Antwerp, to the chagrin of the respected community of that city.

What we are now trying to confirm is whether he has arrived in Rome yet to claim the papacy, or whether a proxy will accept the office in his stead.

More in time for Peerim.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Will Moshe Aryeh Friedman Be the Next Pope?


The staff of Der Shygetz/The Creedmoor Chronicles is busy fabricating and investigating rumors regarding the imminent confirmation of the appointment of Moshe Aryeh Friedman to the papacy. His candidacy was endorsed by a mysterious Cardinal Davide Stronzetto de Menuvallo, who somehow turned the Vatican into an EU member state and registered it as having over forty million unemployed and disabled residents. Cardinal de Menuvallo, who claims to represent the Archdiocese of Acqua di Candeggina in Sardinia, was spotted wearing a red macaw-feather shtreimel-like headdress and little else while disrobing and performing exotic dances in front of the Vatican with EU observers observing the scene.

It is believed Friedman will take the name Pope Malediction the First, and that he and the mysterious cardinal will extend Vatican rule to the tzioinish medine. It is also believed that a bissel tryfe gelt, perhaps a few trillion Euros, might be all it takes to remove the new pope and his protector.

We await more news regarding this most auspicious and fictitious event as well as final information on where the Friedman children will be learning this Peerim zman. Will the Friedman clan be enrolled in a new Catholic school directed by the Pope himself, or will they begin classes in a new madrassa financed by food stamps?

We do know that Moshe Aryeh Friedman is presently holed up in the janitorial closet of the Bnos Soro Seminary in Antwerpen, which now bears a hand-lettered sign saying "Grand Yeshiva of Kehillas Sharia d'Antverp." Our reporters are trying to enter the closet at present but it barely has room even for one little noxious crawling insect from Williamsburgh.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Moshe Aryeh Friedman Coverage to Resume


Now that the issue has been settled in the Belgian courts, we at Creedmoor can reveal just how the Admou"r meCreedmoor is making sure the Friedman boys have the chinuch (or chenek) they need to follow in their father's puny footsteps.

Justice has been served, but the Admou"r meCreedmoor has dedicated his life to evading justice and making sure his few non-virtual Chassidim do the same. Moshe Aryeh Friedman, the Creedmoor-Antwerp Rov, will never submit to the rule of Zionist Belgian judges!

More coming before Shabbos.

(NB: Just in case the reprehensible little twerp wants to sue me, I must mention that all posts on this blog regarding Moshe Aryeh Friedman are fiction, with the exception of any links posted to reliable news sources. I must also mention that unfortunately, Moshe Aryeh Friedman is not a fictional character.)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Moshe Aryeh Friedman Fundraises for Seminary - Part 4


Reb Berish Lowenstein's cellphone showed no fewer than 78 missed calls, at least 12 of which were from his own home. He became suspicious when he realized that 16 of them were from his daughter's seminary principal, and he wondered why Rebbetzin Soro would call him and not his wife if chas vesholom his daughter was in some sort of trouble. She knew he was abroad, and she would rarely call him directly unless it was an emergency. The others were from neighbors, and he wondered what could be amiss on his usually quiet and stately block.

He checked his voicemail, and all he could decipher was one message from his usually calm next-door neighbor, Reb Nachman Lichtfeld. "The meshigginer, that Friedman, he says you gave him gelt and I should too. He's in chyrem, for what should I give him gelt? I know you didn't give him a cent, but what can I do? He's wearing a wig and a dress, who you know in the police that can maybe have him put in a byse-mishegoyim? He wants collect for his own seminary tuition, nebach, so crazy!"

Before he even thought to call anyone in Antwerp, Reb Berish called directory assistance and asked for the number to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. He dialed that number, and asked to speak to the Jewish chaplain. He remembered that Friedman had admitted to spending some time at the notorious facility, and he suspected that when it came to his past hospitalizations, the minuscule menace was telling the truth for once. His brother-in-law was well-connected with politicians, and he figured he could somehow get Friedman deported from Belgium and taken right off the plane to Creedmoor if he could prove that Friedman was indeed of Creedmoor provenance.

Little did Reb Berish Lowenstein, an honest and well-meaning askan, know what was in store when the overworked and underskilled receptionist connected him, accidentally or purposely, to none other than the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

---to be continued tomorrow---