Thursday, December 29, 2011

Update: Chanike Report on Sunday


We have just received word that the Admou"r was so impressed with the potential insurance proceeds from his Chanike extravaganza that he intends to light twelve candles on Sunday as he retells the story of his greatest insurance scam ever.

In addition, we are trying to confirm that the Admou"r did indeed endorse Ron Paul or whether he has actually been serving as Ron Paul's top secret foreign policy adviser during the recent weeks of campaigning.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Urgent Chanike Update from Creedmoor


We have been informed that the revelers who somehow were diverted from a Chabad menorah lighting ceremony to the Creedmoor Chanike Extravaganza on Motzoei Shabbos are just returning now from what turned out to be a very entertaining luxury cruise.

All we are aware of at present is that the Admou"r will manage to receive a large insurance payment, and that his success was due to hiring Berish (Bozo) and Zerach (Zero) Wercberger, a pair of clowns, as well as "Shygetz Aross Bacsi," a Creedmoorer children's entertainer. Entertainment for the ladies' section on this mehadrin cruise was apparently provided by Behyme the Tzigane Queen, whose most benighted family hails from the superbly benighted ancestral village of the Admou"r, namely Szarkonosvary, Hungary.

We also understand that the Admou"r and his Creedmoor Cretin Crew ensnared an unwitting South African bochur and two French girls who inadvertently led others to believe that the cruise was a Chabad event. Finally, we have been informed that the Admou"r was able to hijack a luxury river boat by promising Green Cards to its crew of illegal aliens.

More later in the week, when we have full reports on the overnight luxury cruise and a full analysis of the damage done to the world's leading insurance firms.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Part 1 - The Grand Chanike Extravaganza


The Admou"r knew he had only the slightest chance of blowing even a tiny hole in the Brooklyn Bridge with his planned Rabbeini Reiven Goldberg a/k/a Rube Goldberg nuclear pyrotechnics demonstration. He was not even surprised or disappointed that the bottle of "Ruhollah Islamic Super-Atomic Pistachio Scented Baby-Soft Plutonium Liquid" fuel concentrate brought to him by an Iranian U.N. envoy was adulterated.

Once he saw an invoice for "50% off" signed by "Mashiah Kamsanzadeh," he knew that the Mossad had its tentacles in the whole Bushehr operation, and therefore the fuel was obviously adulterated. Still, he paid the Iranian envoy his agreed price of $30,000, in unmarked three, five, seven, and nine food stamp notes as well as a couple of expired EBT cards.

The Admou"r set out to Downtown Brooklyn by way of Boro Park, where he knew he could raid a couple of wedding halls for unused alcohol gel fuel. He was trailed by a truck that included two rubber dinghies, three rubber duckies, seven styrofoam boards, and seven pickle barrels. He also had a large supply of homemade slivovitz (as an independent country, Creedmoor could operate all the distilleries it wanted, especially because the Admou"r had a habit of distilling vodka and gin from wood and other methanol-generating solids), and some kokosh cake laced with hashish. This was to be handed out to passersby who would certainly want to join his excursion to the columns under the Brooklyn Bridge rather than watch the same old boring Chabad menorah lighting that took place every year in downtown Brooklyn.

He also had a sign made with the following message: "K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Invites You to a Grand Menorah Lighting In Memory of the Zionist Entity and In Honor of the New President of North Korea, Kim Limp Duck." The sign would be hung from the Brooklyn Bridge, only because its creator could not be hanged from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finally, the Admou"r would beat those Lubavitcher tzioinim at their own game. He would khap their audience straight out from under them and take a dozen or so unwitting young Jewish families who were expecting to watch a boring ceremony at the Brooklyn docks on a cruise up the river that they would never forget. They would always remember how much better his kokosh cake was than the stale donuts and dubious latkes that issued forth from Crown Heights to spread a light far weaker than that of Doovid'l Schmoigerman, about whom it was said "Your fire will burn until the last uninsured building in the world is no longer standing!"

(Grand finale tomorrow)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Prelude: The Great Chanike Extravaganza


"Rabbi, somethin' don't look right here?" Sergeant James O'Malley of the Downtown Brooklyn branch of New York's Bravest told the FDNY Jewish Chaplain, who happened to be visiting the firehouse for Chanukah.

The rabbi could hardly contain his laughter. While Chabad-Lubavitch often requested fire permits for menorahs in the downtown area, their applications were submitted in a manner far more professional than this atrocity, which scrambled the letters of Lubavitch and added hyphens to suggest love for a female dog. Besides, the whole idea of "Chabad-Lubavitch of the Bridges and Tunnels," even if spelled properly, seemed quite absurd. The rest of the application was equally as absurd, as it was a permit to set off hazardous pyrotechnics under the Brooklyn Bridge in honor of the sixth night of Chanukah.

"Jim," the rabbi laughed, "that application is either a very sick prank or the work of some fanatics in Williamsburgh who want to discredit our friends at Chabad.....but really, this is the work of a certifiable EDP. The Willy crew is a bunch of meshuggeners, but this is really....," the rabbi's voice trailed off..."it has to be the work of a real crank..."

"Umm, Rabbi, this baby is pre-approved.........who has that kind of connections with the brass in New York? This is a disaster waiting to happen. He wants to screw concrete beams onto the bridge and burn barrels of kerosene under it or something like that."

The rabbi, who once led a congregation in Queens, said: "Whoever it is belongs in Creedmoor! This is either a prank or multiculturalism gone astray...can I see the application?"

One look at the seal on the application showed just where the applicant indeed not only belonged, but also resided: "Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of Unadulterated Baseless Hatred of the Independent Anti-Zionist Torah Republic of Creedmoor."

"Jim, this is a joke. File it away somewhere. If some nut from Creedmoor really wants to paddle out to the Brooklyn Bridge with a rowboat, towing a raft of concrete beams, he's not going to get too far!"

Meanwhile, in the D-ward Kever Komplex, deep in the bowels of the abandoned D-ward building that Dovid Schmoigerman called home, the fax machine whirred with confirmations of insurance policies, not only for a certain bridge that spans Brooklyn and Manhattan, but also for cancellation of a major public event due to force-majeure. All policies were payable by January 1, as they were guaranteed by the hard currency reserves of the Creedmoor republic, so the Admou"r did not even have to cash in any food-shtemplach at 60 cents on the dollar to get proof of coverage.

The Admou"r was getting ready for a real blast, and one way or the other, the insurance industry would be blasted to the point that only a bailout could rescue it.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Noch a por vetter fin nuch a naye sponsor


As we prepare for the return of the Admou"r, we welcome a new sponsor to the Creedmoor Chronicles/Der Shygetz/Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashvilke:

Beruriah's Burqa Covers

Named in honor of our brave leader, who is in tzioinish captivity for her dedication to tznius and her warm, close relationship with her children, our tinfoil Burqa Covers ensure the absolute highest level of tznius by deflecting rays of tima from tzionish satellites as well as from Mars and Jupiter!

You are never alone when you walk even the most holy streets of Monsey and Monroe, for space aliens are watching you and looking for ways to penetrate your iron-clad tzniusdike klader. That's why you need a burqa-deckel from Beruriah's Burqa Covers. Our tinfoil covers block the transmission and reception of all extraterrestrial rays, and prevent space aliens from penetrating your tzniusdike burqelach even if they're sending signals out of transmitters located light-years away from Mea Shrotzim and Ramat Beit Shimush Beis. (Residents of Monsey are advised to wear two covers or our special Double Strength Deckel to prevent the CIA and the Tripartite Commission, as well as any characters involved with the tzioinish Airmont Shil, from using their top-secret radio frequencies to not only compromise your tznius but also to extract your innermost thoughts and turn them into looshen horo.)

Our burqa decklach are made from 100% certified non-Zionist Malaysian, Indonesian or Saudi tinfoil. We have ultra-mehadrin Iranian and Afghan tinfoil available for custom-made covers upon request. We also have insulated decklach with aluminum foil facing and fiberglass stuffing so you can take advantage of the sun's rays to cure your half-baked condition. You can even place a kigel between your deckel and your birqa hood and cook it in a half hour while sitting outside, all the while knowing that you can safely spend a half an hour outside without worrying about space aliens penetrating your burqa.

The hyliger dayanim of the Arba Misois Beis Din/Machon leKrisois veMisois of Creedmoor have paskened that even a hyliger Pas Yisrooel who wears a tinfoil burqa of less than three layers of thickness must also wear a cover over her head.

All covers come in an attractive conical shape, so you can show the world you really are committed to tznius and to making sure that even extra-terrestrial enemies of our modest ways of life cannot disturb your dedication to the highest level of modesty.

We accept Jordanian dinars and Iranian toman in our Mea Shrotzim boutique on Rechov Moishe Hirsch in Batei Sikrikim, and Amerikanischer EBT and food stamp cards in our Ramat Beit Shimush Beis factory showroom. Our Monsey agent is Mrs. Cholere Machshefovitz, tel 845-SHI-KTSA.

If you purchase more than one burqa deckel before the end of the Islamic year, we will give you a free electronic male repellent device, which emits a bloodcurdling scream and a rotten egg scent as soon as any male of three years of age or older comes within your dalet amois. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Greatest Chanike Extravaganza: Prelude: The Magic Fuel from Iran


Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.

The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:

Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...

which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:

פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...

Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד

This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.

"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"

This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.

"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."

"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"

Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be  סקרוד  over quite royally.

After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.

Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.

He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi. 

However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of  סקרוד  nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.

The Admou"r Returns on Sunday for a Public Chanike Extravaganza


The Admou"r is so desperate for the funds he needs to create another few hundred quintillion personalities that he will awaken from his deep disability insurance-mandated sleep to host a Chanike Extravaganza, a public menorah lighting of a sort that will put the tzioinim at Chabad to shame........and that even Solomon Dwrek and Bernie Madoff will praise for the sheer scale of its depravity.

Yes, Creedmoor is back with a bang.......or is it a series of seismic the Admou"r prepares for his public menorah lighting in a venue that no one possibly dreamed the Admou"r ever owned, even if he did produce enough documents of sale that the insurance companies issued him a few thousand sheets of policies to cover its imminent and ultimate destruction at the hands of a rather artfully designed menorah that burns rocket fuel made specially for it by the chemists who are now busy preparing missile fuel for the launch of the Iranian nuclear research satellite program.

Star Wars meets Creedmoor on Sunday, as the Admou"r hatches a plan to celebrate the tzioinish holiday of Chanike in special style, especially because it coincides with nitel, a custom that he and his Chassidim are makpid on every day of the year.

Will the earth survive the Admou"r's stellar display of Chanike pyrotechnics? The question is - will Lloyd's of London survive the Admou"r's next ream of insurance claims without a bailout from the Saudi royal family, the Chinese development bank, and George Tzuris?

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Admou"r is still in mourning


While the Admou"r did appear this past Shabbos to receive an aliya to the Koran and utter mi-sheberach for his friend Hugo Chavez, he was wearing sak ve'efer and clearly did not want to be disturbed any more than he is already mentally disturbed. He usually rests peacefully in the recesses of his kever, where he trades food stamp futures and old Libyan government bonds with a group of investors in Lagos, Nigeria.

A check of the Apple 2 in his office shows that he has successfully generated only 100,000 new personalities. He has apparently outsourced the rest of the work to India, and his Indian subcontractor is waiting for payment before he can proceed.

We will inform you of any new developments in the Admour's condition.

Until then, shygetz aross!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Admou"r Mourns Ghadaffy

BS"D The Admou"r meCreedmoor is part of a delegation of mentally decomposed world leaders who are honoring the late and much unlamented Muammar el-Ghadaffy by standing guard at Misrata Misery Mart, the supermarket where Ghadaffy's body is now on display.

The Admou"r departed from Teheran on the Zionist holiday of Shmini Atzeres (not to be confused with the Assembly of Section 8 Vouchers) and landed in Misrata, Libya a few hours later. He was invited to place a kashrus seal on the corpse, enabling its sale to pet owners who need to euthanize unruly animals.

It is expected that the Admou"r will return to Creedmoor within the month, after the end of the Islamic mourning period and with Ghadaffy's freeze-dried ears in tow for re-burial in the Creedmoorer beis almin.

The burial will cement the Admou"r's most coveted "incurable lunatic" status for the next year, which will enable all three hundred quintillion of his multiple personalities to be certified or recertified after their tragic deaths at the hands of Hurricane Irene and several suborned insurance adjustors.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

All 150 Quintillion Souls Lost During Irene!

BS"D We recently received confirmation that the 150 quintillion souls who resided nowhere else but on the Admou"r's computer server were all lost when said server became waterlogged during Tropical Storm Irene. Life insurance adjusters are debating which policies need to be paid, and it is expected that the Obama administration, the EU and the Saudis will bail out any firms that do have to pay out as a result of the complete annihilation of the Creedmoorer community.

The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.

Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"

Monday, August 29, 2011

Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene

BS"D Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene. Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes. Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims. The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend. We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.

Monday, August 15, 2011

A pohr vetter fin nuch a sponser...


We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!

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A shtramel made from a schvantz that doesn't come up to the kind of schvantz who will make you rich when word spreads of your special brooches.

A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.

Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.

A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.

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If you buy today, we'll even throw in:

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A guide to establishing a tax-exempt not for profit company that still lets you keep all your kvittel gelt and back up your claim of supporting thousands of "orimer leit."

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A real ilan yoichsin (family tree) showing that your ancestors were rabbonim going back at least to the time of Homon haRosho!


"Reb Shmilke Otisviller didn't sound too good. So I bought this kit and I finds myneself a little village in Romania called Kabanos. Now I am Der Kabanoszer Roov and I am taking twenty, thirty, fifty cigarettes for a brooche at every melave malke. Even the shygetz guards are paying me in real cash because they know I can use my accounts to cover for some of the stuff they sell in here!"

Shmeel Paskudny, Otisville, NY

"I try to come here from Israel and sell brachot like real mekubal with hood on my head. The shiknoozi, they say I Ku Klux Klan, I no-good frenk, I not real. So I buy this kit, ya'allah, I find out there is town in Hungary called Schlockdorf and I get a nice new silver robe and fur hat and learn to mumble a few words in Yiddish to everyone who comes to my old auto body shop. Now I'm the Admou"r meSchlockdorf and my picture is up in every shawarma place and car service in Brooklyn, and I sell my picture 20 dollars a 5 by 7 just paper and even 5000 dollars in a silver plated frame with money going to Schlockdorfer Mesivta Rabbenu Bar-Minan Chai!"

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How much do you think such a package is worth? If you say $2000, you are not even close. It is worth millions of tax-free dollars! But we'll sell it to you in 12 easy installments of $120 each, and we'll even daven for you at the kever of the first Geshtorbener Rebbe in Shtorberg, on the border between Poland and Norway!

Get it now before there are no more towns in Europe left for you to claim and we end up having to substitute a post office box in Morocco!

Thursday, August 04, 2011

More News Briefs


We have just learned the following:

1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.

2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.

Giant update coming after 9 Av.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Creedmoor in Negotiations to Purchase American Debt



The Admou"r meCreedmoor is said to be in secret talks with his fellow fifth column, Barack Hussein Obama, regarding purchase of the entire debt of the United States.

The Admou"r, who is the second largest issuer of unbacked currency in the world after the United States Government, has offered to print enough bills to assume the entire sovereign debt of the United States.

Obama is now mulling whether to accept a quick Schmoigerman takeover of the US economy or to continue his present policy of slowly allowing China and the Gulf oil dictatorships to purchase the US and diminish its sovereignty over a longer period of time.

Schmoigerman has stated that he would happily install Obama as President-for-Life of the new "Creedmooramerica" so long as he retains full financial control of the new entity. Negotiations are now centering on whether Obama is willing to accept changing the name of the US currency to "der Foodshtemp."

The Admou"r is presently mourning the untimely but nevertheless overdue death of his shaliach to the Zionist entity, Francois Aboutboul of Netanya, and it is unknown when talks with Obama will resume.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor


The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor.

1953: 5795 patients crowded into a hospital built for 4142.

Today: D-ward alone: 150,000,000,000,000,405,981 patients show on Federal entitlement program rolls. Yet, the ward is vacant except for one known part-time resident whose surname of Schmoigerman seems a bit contrived.

The wonders of modern science....or the deepest depths of fraud?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Admou"r Arrested for Harebrained Fish Scheme; To Serve Four Weeks of House Arrest


Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a controversial Grand Rabbi, was arrested and pleaded guilty to one count of "petty and ridiculous fraud in the first degree" after he was observed returning fish heads to a pet store from which he purchased three hundred goldfish in order to make "gefilte fish."

Petco personnel said that Schmoigerman, whose passport states he was born in 1955 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary but who has several birth certificates from Hawaii as well as Kenya, had purchased the entire stock of goldfish from their Jamaica, Queens branch for what he claimed was an aquarium display in his "Bnei Bisha veCherpa" boys' school. The Grand Rabbi paid with an American Express card in the name of Elvis Presley, and showed identification proving that that was indeed his name.

Nevertheless, the Admou"r returned 45 minutes later with 300 decapitated fish and claimed that he was entitled to a full refund as the fish did not survive one week as per the store's guarantee. The store manager called police, who carted Schmoigerman off to the precinct house where he received an expedited desk appearance ticket.

While Schmoigerman claims to be the head of an independent country, he needed to be reminded of the difference between Jamaica, Queens, which is part of the US, and not a party to his scam of a treaty in which he declared independence, and Jamaica, an island nation in the West Indies that recognizes his country as a prerequisite for receiving UN aid under the "Aid to Phantom Nations Which Support Anti-Zionist Entities" program.

Therefore, rather than risking prosecution for over 150 quintillion counts of gross fraud, Schmoigerman was summarily sentenced to 4 weeks of house arrest during which he must wear a 24 karat gold Cartier ankle bracelet.

In other words, due to present events in the community, Creedmoor will begin its three weeks hiatus early. We will return with the two promised updates after 9 Av.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Levi Aron should have been put in Creedmoor a long time ago. Not the Admou"r's fictitious Creedmoor, but the Creedmoor that should never have been reduced in size.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Technical Difficulties


Updates will be posted regarding the camp and the MediCARe scam by next Sunday.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Double Header Tomorrow: Breaking News of New Medicare Scam


As we await the release of the application form for Kemp Chutz laMachane, we have been informed that the Admou"r has been operating a chain of auto repair and collison (or is it collusion) shops that have been billing Medicare and Medicaid, as well as Family Health Plus, for auto repair jobs.

All we know at present is that the Admou"r somehow obtained insurance billing codes from suborned Medicare and Medicaid employees, and that he somehow adapted the codes to automotive parts and procedures. Two of the Federal employees involved in the Medicare scheme have such unusual names, even for Affirmative Action hires, that we are contacting the parties present at their wrongful and unfortunate birth to find out why they carry such originally embarrassing and ethnically diverse names.

More tomorrow as we uncover the mystery of the "Rechev Yisroel" chain of car repair shops and how they manage to turn cars into people for billing purposes.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Shifcha Magazine: A New Women's Magazine


N'shei Creedmoor-East under the direction of Rebbetzin Izevel-Tzoiah-Yachne Schmoigerman is proud to launch the first issue of Shifcha Magazine - the new magazine for the new Jewish woman.

Articles include:

"Supporting Your Husband in Federal Koilel - Don't Leave it All to Fetter Shmeel!"

"Raising Children who were Thrown in Washing Machines as Babies" - special interview with Rebbetzin Dwek, mother of Solomon Dwrek, and Mrs. Weiss, mother of Yisroel Dovid Weiss.

"The Beauty of a Burqa and the Comfort of a Chador - The New Beged Isha from Farkokta Fashions."

"Making the Most of Your Federal Entitlement Benefits."

"Recipe Corner: Using a Suspicious Fire to Grill Meats and Poultry."

"Teaching Your Sons What to Look For When They're on Mishmeres haTznius Duty."

"Raising the Ultimate Menivel or Cholere"

"Eshes Chayil of the Month: Casey Anthony"

"Beauty Secrets from Helen Thomas and Hanan Ashrawi"

"Teaching Your Children to Enjoy and Participate In Machloikes."

"A Summer Wildlife Safari to Circle Square and New Joel."

The magazine is available at:

Byle's Burqas - Ramat Beit Shimush and Jewland Branches

Federal Koilel Store - Williamsburgh, Double Park and Jewland

Schnorred Shaitlach - Otisville

Byse Esav d'Creedmoor

and from your local mosque or al-Qaeda front operation.

Price: 3 EBT units or 5 foodshtempelach

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Coming Sunday: A New Summer Camp for Your Precious Children


Introducing "Kemp Chutz laMachane" - the new summer camp for the second half of summer that undoes the damage caused by your child's first half of summer camp! And "Machane Machon Nevela" for girls - run by the famous staff of the "Machon Nevela" seminary that has educated three generations of Federal koilel wives in the fine art of dependency on Federal entitlement programs.

Aren't you tired of your little Moishele coming home and talking about ahavas Yisroel and learning and being a tzaddik? Aren't you sick of your Fyga Byla showing off childish arts and crafts projects and telling about how she went with her bunk to visit an old age home and talk to the decrepit elte kokehlach there?

Well, now you can get your child ready for the same double life you've always been leading! We'll make sure you can shep nachas in 10 years or so when your son begins his first five years of learning at Otisville or Fort Dix while your daughter is busy collecting welfare payments so she can buy a new $2000 sheitel every month!

Kemp Chutz laMachane for boys and Machane Machon Nevela for girls....starts August 1 and check back here Sunday to find out how to register....the camps are conveniently located between Jewland and Otisville!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Admou"r Asks Chassidim to Commit Arson with Venezuelan Gasoline for Recovery of Chavez


The Admou"r meCreedmoor woke up long enough to declare a Day of Burning in the zchees of a refiah shelyma for Hugo Chavez, the bulwark against Zionist domination of Latin America and a major provider of gasoline to the Admou"r's various nefarious enterprises.

He asks that "All who follow in the most waning and flickering light that is Chassidus Creedmoor are to buy 11 gallons of Citgo Premium gasoline for every 100 square feet of their most heavily insured uninhabited properties. They are then to recite "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez" while soaking one Zionist flag with gasoline and spilling all remaining gasoline on the premises to be burnt. Finally, the flag must be lit and thrown into the building while singing "H Hu Hug Hugo Chavez Melech haMasriach Leoilam Voed" to the tune of "Another One Bites the Dust."

This will bring about the full and complete healing of the great Hugo Chavez, Liberator of Venezuela.

Monday, June 06, 2011

A Por Vetter fin Inzere Sponsor - Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland


Mit gretitude to Der hyliger tzaddik alyne, Reb Doovid'l fin Jewland, we are very proud to announce our newist rates on Food Stamp Certificates fin Deposit at Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.

Mir gibn a return fin 10 per cent per year on any drye-yor CD that you are openink with your EBT loaded mit 3500 tolar worth from foodstemps or more. We are havink a lisense and a heter iska fin der Byse Din from Jewland so not to worry, dis iz all kusher.

Also please to know that mir gibn a matoone tzvye gellon paint tinner in a metch to anyone who is openink any account mit foodstemps uder EBT in der choidesh.

Srool Spitzer, Chairwarmer (kvetcher) fin der Federal Reserve Bank of Jewland, is approvink all operations of der Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.

Shoeless Joe the Disability Advocate


Among the few true, meaning flesh-and-blood, chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is a strange fellow who everyone calls Shoeless Joe.

Yossel Wercberger, Yossel Weinberger, Yossel Schwartz, Yossel Weiss, Yossel Fekete, Yossel Feher, Jose Blanco, or whatever other names he has on his growing collection of welfare ID's and section 8 vouchers, truly is an object of pity. He was born with two left feet attached to his right knee facing inward, and of course he cannot walk or wear any sort of normal shoe.

But Shoeless Joe is now in litigation with Cole-Haan, Reebok, Kenneth Cole, Florsheim, Gucci, Prada, Weston, Allen-Edmonds, Nike, New Balance, Adidas, Puma, Doc Martens, DSW, Payless, and practically every department store chain in the US, Europe and Asia. Timberland has been mercifully spared from his activism, because he is such a diehard anti-Zionist that he refuses to even speak to a firm that supports the Zionist entity as much as Timberland does.

The mastermind behind this avalanche of lawsuits is his lawyer, Kalman Schmoigerman, a distant cousin and devoted follower of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Schmoigerman, who is disbarred in every state except Mississippi, realizes there is a fortune to be made in ADA discrimination suits. Schmoigerman and Joe are suing all of the parties named above because there are no shoes manufactured or sold for someone with Joe's condition, which affects 0001% of the population.

In the bizarre world of ADA litigation and shyster lawyering, this of course qualifies as discrimination. In addition, Joe, who uses a wheelchair, is suing several houses of ill repute in Nevada because they do not have disabled access ramps. Never mind that Joe has never been to Nevada and cannot spell Nevada - he wants to make sure that others like him have access to entertainment of a type that he cannot enjoy because of another disability that I cannot explain in detail without taking this publication into the murky realm of an R rating.

Joe, who in any case is well provided for by the Creedmoor Ershte-Hilf-Der-Rebbe welfare fraud organization, will get 10 per cent of the take of any attorney's fees awarded to Schmoigerman. Each lawsuit is for the cost of two left high-heeled red patent leather women's platform shoes, size 13 WWW, which depending upon the manufacturer could reach as much as $1500 or more. Schmoigerman is also trying to have each defendant pay his fees, which amount to $1000 per hour, a fee that he reduced from $3000 per hour ever since he was disbarred in 1998 for a host of felonies including mishandling escrow funds. (He remains able to practice law in Mississippi due to the inability of the state bar association to believe there is actually an attorney named Kalman Schmoigerman who was ever allowed to practice anywhere.)

And what did Schmoigerman do with those escrow funds? He purchased several houses of ill repute in Nevada, along with insurance policies that cover him in the event of an ADA discrimination suit.

(Based on the pathetic but true story of Zoltan Hirsch:

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman


Well, until Lag beOmer night I never knew there was a real Creedmoorer Chassidus, where the behavior of reshoim is condoned by the leadership of the Chassidus. I knew that there are reshoim in every Chassidus, and every yeshiva, and every shul, because without them there is no tzibur - tzadikim-benonim-reshoim. These bad apples don't bother me either, because we're in golus and there will always be people who succumb to their worst tayves. After all, if there were no aveiros, we would not have any dinei mamoinos and dinei nefashois in Torah - nowhere does it say that eating only mehadrin means you will not succumb to the temptation to try your luck at a harebrained insurance scam that lands you 10 years of enforced kollel study.

Unfortunately, there is such a Chassidus.

Dovid Twersky is Dovid Schmoigerman. New Square is Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. There is no way he did not know and condone what was going on - not in a shtetl that consists of a few square blocks where he is the undisputed despot.

Dovid Twersky-Schmoigerman (you are a stain on your noble surname and you truly merit the one I added on because it comes from shoiteh-menivel-gas ruach, but you're not even a man because you have OTHERS commit crimes and do the time for YOUR scams and rishus), SHYGETZ AROSS! Time to close down your Talibanistan in Rockland County. Because of you, ten more kids will go off the derech every day that the news carries the disgusting goings-on in your New Abbottabad. You're no better than Helbrans with his cult up in Quebec - except that he doesn't finance his moisdos with government fraud and have others sit for him.

I guess there are ten righteous people in your Sdom (Zishe Schmeltzer, his father amus"h and a few others) or else the whole place would have gone on fire when your thug hoiz bochur did what he did.

Half of your people, the good ones, want to leave town anyway. The other half can be split between Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital, Sing Sing and Otisville.

The time for these shtetlach is over. When you could not be frum in the city, when Reform was claiming victims from frum homes, when the 60's and 70s' drug culture was claiming Yidden, getting away from it all made sense. Now, we can live as we are commanded to anywhere we want and bring Yidden closer as we do so. These shtetlach just keep people behind the times and keep people from growing both beruchnius and begashmius.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

New A Crapella Niggunim Coming


The Admou"r meCreedmoor remains in an insurance-mandated coma for the foreseeable future. However, we at Creedmoor Publications Group (Der Shygetz - Di Pritza - Der Oisvorf and Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashkvilke) have discovered a treasure trove of niggunim which were composed by the Admou"r during his last visit to Gai Ben Hinnom.

These hylige niggunim, with titles including: "Der Falsche-Phony President," "Food Shtemps Far Alle Yidden," and "Shkootzim, Shkootzim" will be released before Lag Be'Oimer (Creedmoorer Lag beOimer which is 33 days after Yom HaAtzamois), even if their composer might not be released in this millenium.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Admou"r meCreedmoor Speaks About Iran, Egypt and Tunisia


"The revolutions in Egypt and Tunisia succeeded because the governments there did not make sure their women kept tznius. In Iran, women are not allowed out on the street in pritzusdige dress, and it is the government that makes sure of this. Therefore, the hyliger Islamic regime in Iran will last for as long as we are able to delay the coming of Moshiach, whereas the Egyptian and Tunisian regimes simply crumbled. We must protect the hyliger Obama regime so that we can continue to receive our much needed subsidies upon which we live, so we must maintain the highest levels of tznius, including birqelach when we mingle with tzioinim and other shkootzim, and chadorimlach when women mingle together."

From the latest Creedmoor Tznius Manual: Not One Inch Shall Remain Exposed, written by Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoia Yachne Schmoigerman and based on the talks from the tail of her husband, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Creedmoor Introduces: "Maayanei hoRefieh" (Medicare Springs) Rehabilitation and Long Term Care Center


Are you an active older person who is looking for some passive income?

Do you have an older relative who is healthy but bored and wants to make a little money on the side?

Have you recently lost a relative who has named you executor of his will?

If so, we have the perfect solution:

Maayanei hoRefieh is an absentee long term care and rehabilitation program that allows patients in any health condition, including deceased, to register as inpatients without requiring more than a monthly visit to sign papers. We have no inpatient facilities at all and there are no medical tests required.

The papers provide us with a substantial income to cover medical costs which we never really incur for the many phantom illnesses and injuries that you or your loved one will be diagnosed with for private and public insurance purposes only.

Our average patient nets $3500 - $10,000 for his percentage of our monthly take, and there is no risk because we issue a separate Social Security number or two to each of our patients and that number is the one used to claim benefits. We accept up to five patients from one family or address and there is no charge for enrollment.


"My shvigger finally peygered, and she never did anything but take from us all these years. Now, I can finally make a few toisent every month to support my son in koilel just by signing her name to a couple of sheets of paper every month." Chaikel Ferdkhapper.

"I just got out of Federal koilel for being too git an insurance adjuster, so I was looking far a new easy way tzi machen a leben. I signed myself up as disabled because the prison shrink says like I am having acute sociopathy and every month I just have to pose mit a wheelchair and a walker and have myne picture taken and I gets two tousent a month far me and five far each from myne eltern baabes in zaydes alyhem hashoolem! I even is tellink my parole officer I is certified disabled so I doesn't have to see him no more." Anonymous

To find out more, please come to our Open House this coming Sunday at Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-Ward, Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor. Tel 1-800-GEZEL-55. We will be serving Herzltashen in honor of the Tzioinish holiday of Peerim.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Creedmoor Proudly Sponsors "The 120 Denier Seminary!"


Are you worried that your precious Bas Yisrooel might be exposed to bad influences during her year in Eretz Yisrooel? Do you want to make sure she is closed off from anything to do with the timadige medine?

We, the dedicated hanhala of Bnos Burqa - the 120 denier seminary - make sure that your daughter is never exposed to tima because our dress code prevents her from being exposed to much of anything!

We are the only seminary that insists your precious daughter wears her burqa to class as well as when walking around our campus, which she is not permitted to leave without three iron-clad madrichois who are selected for their dedication to extreme tznius as prescribed by our hyliger sifrei sharia. We insist that our girls cover their eyes when not on campus, and our madrichois will guide them for both physical and spiritual safety during their walks through the city so that they avoid seeing tzioinish desecration.

Mrs Yachne-Behyme Pashkvilschreiber and her dedicated staff, chosen from the strictest homes in East Jerusalem, make sure that your daughter becomes a real burqa girl who will take the lessons she learned at our seminary with her for her entire life as a true eved to her husband.

We welcome applications from Section 8 and welfare families - we accept food stamps for our comfortable 12 monthly installment payments for tuition and burqa rental.

"My Magyfaleh was actually wasting her time doing chessed projects in her old sem, like visiting Yidden wounded by terrorist attacks that were caused by the tziyoinim who oppress the innocent Palestinians. She was picking up the krimmest tzioinish hashkofos and mamesh goyishkeit! I pulled her out and put her into Bnos Burqa and she came out a real tzadekes, ready to get married so she can apply for her own welfare and Section 8!" (Byreh-Cholere Tzifloigenberger, Kiryas Naye Circle)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Admou"r MeCreedmoor Awakens: Will Send Three Quintillion Troops to Back Ghadaffi


After a long hibernation in which it was said that he induced symptoms of multiple personality failure in order to avoid prosecution for gross fraud, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, arose from his deathbed to offer assistance to fellow lunatic Muammar el-Ghadaffi of Libya.

"After my friend Reb Muammar said...when I do, everything will burn..I remembered I have insurance on several tents in Libya. So I want to help him make sure everything will burn," the reclusive self-proclaimed leader of 150 quintillion self-proclaimed souls said. "Therefore, I am offering three quintillion of my strongest men and eleven million gallons of rancid galle to the Ghadaffi army in order to fight against those who would dare rebel against the tzaddik ha-dor!"

The Admou"r, who seems to proclaim his own cessation of existence from time to time yet somehow manages to collect various entitlement and subsidy programs for more people than ever existed since the creation of the world, may not have any strong men to send. According to welfare records, every single one of his faithful is either on life support, quadriplegic, blind, deaf, developmentally disabled, or whatever combination of ailments and impediments will get the most sympathy from his network of suborned welfare social workers.

In addition, the Admou"r is said to have built a thirty-two million dollar gravesite for himself, so that he can prove his own demise in the event of arrest or indictment. On April 1, which is the anniversary of his "death" as well as the anniversary of his committment to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center's abandoned D-ward, the grave somehow comes to life when thousands of pilgrims, all of whom share the same address at a Mailboxes Plus in Queens, arrive to pray at the "holy" site.

Middle East observers discount Schmoigerman's offer as another attempt to ensure that the "rabbi" retains the diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome and delusions of grandeur that keeps him in Creedmoor and out of Otisville, where he is said to have both followers and competitors.

Muammar el-Ghadaffi was unable to be reached for comment. His line was busy fielding calls from three quintillion brain-damaged quadriplegics on life support who need transport to arrive in Libya and fight for the Ghadaffi cause.