Monday, June 06, 2011

A Por Vetter fin Inzere Sponsor - Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland


Mit gretitude to Der hyliger tzaddik alyne, Reb Doovid'l fin Jewland, we are very proud to announce our newist rates on Food Stamp Certificates fin Deposit at Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.

Mir gibn a return fin 10 per cent per year on any drye-yor CD that you are openink with your EBT loaded mit 3500 tolar worth from foodstemps or more. We are havink a lisense and a heter iska fin der Byse Din from Jewland so not to worry, dis iz all kusher.

Also please to know that mir gibn a matoone tzvye gellon paint tinner in a metch to anyone who is openink any account mit foodstemps uder EBT in der choidesh.

Srool Spitzer, Chairwarmer (kvetcher) fin der Federal Reserve Bank of Jewland, is approvink all operations of der Ershte-Hilf Savinks in Loan of Jewland.

Shoeless Joe the Disability Advocate


Among the few true, meaning flesh-and-blood, chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is a strange fellow who everyone calls Shoeless Joe.

Yossel Wercberger, Yossel Weinberger, Yossel Schwartz, Yossel Weiss, Yossel Fekete, Yossel Feher, Jose Blanco, or whatever other names he has on his growing collection of welfare ID's and section 8 vouchers, truly is an object of pity. He was born with two left feet attached to his right knee facing inward, and of course he cannot walk or wear any sort of normal shoe.

But Shoeless Joe is now in litigation with Cole-Haan, Reebok, Kenneth Cole, Florsheim, Gucci, Prada, Weston, Allen-Edmonds, Nike, New Balance, Adidas, Puma, Doc Martens, DSW, Payless, and practically every department store chain in the US, Europe and Asia. Timberland has been mercifully spared from his activism, because he is such a diehard anti-Zionist that he refuses to even speak to a firm that supports the Zionist entity as much as Timberland does.

The mastermind behind this avalanche of lawsuits is his lawyer, Kalman Schmoigerman, a distant cousin and devoted follower of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Schmoigerman, who is disbarred in every state except Mississippi, realizes there is a fortune to be made in ADA discrimination suits. Schmoigerman and Joe are suing all of the parties named above because there are no shoes manufactured or sold for someone with Joe's condition, which affects 0001% of the population.

In the bizarre world of ADA litigation and shyster lawyering, this of course qualifies as discrimination. In addition, Joe, who uses a wheelchair, is suing several houses of ill repute in Nevada because they do not have disabled access ramps. Never mind that Joe has never been to Nevada and cannot spell Nevada - he wants to make sure that others like him have access to entertainment of a type that he cannot enjoy because of another disability that I cannot explain in detail without taking this publication into the murky realm of an R rating.

Joe, who in any case is well provided for by the Creedmoor Ershte-Hilf-Der-Rebbe welfare fraud organization, will get 10 per cent of the take of any attorney's fees awarded to Schmoigerman. Each lawsuit is for the cost of two left high-heeled red patent leather women's platform shoes, size 13 WWW, which depending upon the manufacturer could reach as much as $1500 or more. Schmoigerman is also trying to have each defendant pay his fees, which amount to $1000 per hour, a fee that he reduced from $3000 per hour ever since he was disbarred in 1998 for a host of felonies including mishandling escrow funds. (He remains able to practice law in Mississippi due to the inability of the state bar association to believe there is actually an attorney named Kalman Schmoigerman who was ever allowed to practice anywhere.)

And what did Schmoigerman do with those escrow funds? He purchased several houses of ill repute in Nevada, along with insurance policies that cover him in the event of an ADA discrimination suit.

(Based on the pathetic but true story of Zoltan Hirsch: