Sunday, October 22, 2006

If dey exist nisht, den dey ochet ken't breathe....

"Look from dis, Prunepit! Dey gives free respiretory ekvipment to patients from Medikare ver ken't breathe... Tell to me, myne Chassidim, if dey exist nisht, den dey oichet ken't breathe, right?"

Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call SchmoigerWOMAN of Alcatraz was in another dimension, where breathing was optional in any event when she heard her husband the Admou'r shreaking with delight at the possibility of yet another Medicare scam. But even she was not prepared for the amazing chutzpah of the Admou"r, who actually decided to call the Department of Health and Somewhat Human Services to check the eligibility of his patients for various types of breathing apparati.

"Hello! Dis de Department fin Helt of the Zionist States fin Americhke?"

"Yes, dis be da Department of Health an'Human Services. Dis be Shigella speaking! How can I be helpin' you today?"

"I heve in myne nursink home eppes eighty nine trillion patients who ken't breathe vidout oxygen mesks. How I ken get dem oxygen? Alles zenen on Medicare!"

"Eighty-nine TRILLION! Load, dis be MAH day! I waz gonna get my butt fire' from here kuz de boss man say I ain't doin' enuf appLEEkayshunz! Now I'z gonna get me a PRO-moshun!"

"Vutz more I give to you a fifty tousend doller check if you getz all from my patients der oxygen! Dat's enuf for you to retire to sunny Sen Kventin!"

"Yeaaah, praize be da Load! I'z gonna retire wi'my bonus an' my check from you! Now, what be dere names?"

"Dey dozen't heve names. Kuz dey dozen't exist! But you want to know from what names we register dem for welfare? Take der phone book, put Leroy, den Reggie, den Lakeesha, den Broooche, den Yoiel, den Gimpel in front from every femily name end mach a metch mit your computer rekerds.."

(Little did Ms Shigella Johnson know that her benefactor wanted large supplies of oxygen so that he could "make a metch" on several unoccupied slum buildings in all 50 states, which somehow had deeds in the name of "Creedmoor Beneficient Society" for insurance purposes only.

"Hey, dat gonna take me a LONG time, man!"

"Det's OK. I doesn't need da oxygen far no patients nohow. Maybe you heve eppes a boyfriend who sells crack?"

"Mah son Leroy got himself 2 Cadillac Sclades an' a Land Cruiser. I doesn't know what he sell' but it be bad, man!"

"You got maybe his phone number? I ken buy him 2 more Sclades to drive around Leavenworth if he do from what I is esking!"

"Yeh, sure. Tell him to give his mama a hand!"

So the Admou"r meCreedmoor called Leroy Washington of Watts, Los Angeles, California, a San Quentin alumnus with a record that stretched far longer than his six foot seven inch body...

"So mama gonna give me oxygen and I throws it in yo' bildings! Dat'z kool."

"Yo, and den I farkoif dir a naye Sklade you can drive in der projects in Leavenworth!"

And the tale ended quite sadly for Leroy, who ended up trying to imitate an Islamic suicide terrorist by driving his car, loaded with oxygen tanks, into the Schmoigerman Manor Nursing Home in Watts. Leroy, as high as a kite on speed, managed only to severely injure himself and merit an arrest for attempted arson and destruction of city property. Meanwhile, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Anti-Zionist People's Republic of Creedmoor presented a bill for damage to his property to the UN and EU as well as to Generali, Axa, Aetna, Allstate and AIG.

Score: Schmoigerman 50 million - Washington 0.

And needless to say, Ms Shigella Johnson was summarily fired, and did not receive any compensation whatsoever from Schmoigerman's Fund.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Schedule for New Jewish Year

Due to other, more serious, committments, I will not have much time to blog here. Still, I will try to post at least once a month, and Creedmoor type material will appear from time to time on as "Not Quite the Frumspace News" or similar in Yiddish.

In the meantime, join me in a most definitely non-Creedmoor venture by checking out daily for inspiration and mutual financial success.