Thursday, August 27, 2009

Mysterious Creedmoor Clergyman Issues Statement on Ted Kennedy


"The CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church - mourns the very timely and much delayed passing of Senator Edward Kennedy, alcoholic, cheater, hit and run driver and all around good man. We must mention in passing wind his contributions which allow us to receive the welfare and other programs upon which we depend. May he enjoy the eternal rest that awaits him in the deepest fires of infernity!"

This cryptic statement was issued by "Father David O'Schmoiger of the CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church", a hitherto unknown organization sharing a PO Box address with the various organizations and congregations run by the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.

The establishment of a church in the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor can point to only one possibility - an attempt to further defraud the Federal Government of the United States of America by some type of attempt at an interfaith program that would be subsidized by welfare or similar Federal payments.

A review of the 150 quintillion soul and singular body membership of the original Creedmoor congregation does show a number of members of Irish origin, including one gentleman by the name of Abd ul-Wahid O'Shaugnessy, and his wife, Faige Chaye Malone O'Shaugnessy. Apparently, Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to separate those entities who bear surnames that are associated with the Roman Church into a new set of phantom organizations so as to obtain even more funding.

However, with the late Edward Kennedy having assumed long overdue room temperature, it is not known which Senator will be able to assist Schmoigerman in his latest quest to obtain extended subsidies and grants.

We can only surmise that Schmoigerman, most of whose followers voted for the present Presidential administration, is about to call in yet more favors from either the President or other politicians who swept into office rather than ended up sweeping floors thanks to Schmoigerman's sweeping endorsement and clean sweep of phantom votes on their behalf.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ultra-Wide Circulation Chassidic Newspaper Paralyzed by Circulation Audit


"They have been auditing my circulation for weeks now, and what have they found? Gornisht! The air here circulates, my blood circulates, and my stories circulate to all one hundred and fifty quintillion Chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor!"

Such is the plaintive protest of Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, known along with his newspaper as Der Shygetz, and the definitive chronicler of the exploits of his community, which are so fancifully fraught with fraud that many claim them to be fictional.

"It all started when that little moiser rat frenk Solly Drek showed up here and tried to get me to launder money from his counterfeit bag business. He offered me a check, I threw it in my washing machine, forgot to hit the On button and of course he could cash it. But his bag, that was a different story. He gives me a bag marked Guchi, spelled just like that, G-U-C-H-I. I ask the Admou"r, is that how you spell it and he says no, the designer is eppes an Ingarisher and nisht a frenk like Drek or even a Galitzianer like you, and we spell it G-U-C-S-I so that bag is as fake as a seventeen food stamp bill! This too I throw in the washing machine, add some dollar store Chinese laundry detergent that the Admou"r's gabbai bought with his EBT card, press the ON button and this supposed leather bag disintegrates. Drek the rat frenk moiser is wearing a wire, and he goes and tells the Feds that I laundered the money. Yeah, I threw a check in the washing machine and nothing happened. But I throw his fake bag in the washing machine and it disintegrates worse than a dried out lulav from three years ago Sukkos that Schmoigerman's Sforim Store sells to the eco-freaks this year for 400 dollars as a recycled lulav! So Drek goes to the Feds, and they can't get me on money laundering so they come here and audit my circulation all day!"

The focus of the circulation audit is on the internet version of Der Shygetz, known as the Creedmoor Chronicles. Investigators and other disappointed fans claim it abruptly ceased publication after unmasking the rather drekish sources of the Drek family fortune, and are pressing After-Hours-Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher to resume publication of the Creedmoor Chronicles immediately.

Says Pashkvilkemacher: "They want me to publish again the Chronicles, they should stop auditing me and let me be. I'm only on vacation now because the Admou"r G-d rest his brain is in Alcatraz for the summer and when he is there he gets on such a spiritual and acidical high that he doesn't tell me what is going on for weeks on end! Of course I know Drek's uncle is a shtick drek, but that I know because my sister Chaye Behyme who's on food stamps herself ever since she couldn't get insurance to pay for the 2000 dollar fake Prada tichel her dry cleaner ruined, went there to buy clothing once and she tells me he sells baking powder in the parking lot and all the customers hang out back there and smoke it.

So get out of my circulation, leave me alone for another week or so and I'll be back! As it says in the famous "Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah" petek that the Admou"r got from the hyliger Motzi Shem Ra: "Myne insurance flamm will burn until the very end of time!"

In other words, Creedmoor Forever, and I'll be back soon :). Sorry for the extended break but I should be back next week with the final disposal of Solomon Drek, the wannabe moiser of Creedmoor.

Here is a preview: "You want kidneys in a Prada bag! Here you go, and you can even have a full pound of my new all beef halal Frenks thrown in!" And with that, the Admou"r handed Solomon Drek a fake Prada bag, containing three pounds of kidney beans, two packages of hot dogs of dubious kashrus which were stamped with expiration dates well before the end of the last decade, and a recipe for 'Sholam Weiss Jailhouse Franks and Beans'. Drek, who immediately understood the import of the Admou"r's rather unusual and out of season shalach munes, ran from Creedmoor as fast as his corpulent little legs would carry him..................."

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Will update again as soon as I can


Sorry for the delay.

My mind just isn't on Creedmoor right now as I am busy with my business sites and the semi-business which is a series of E-novels and short stories for the frum community.

I haven't abandoned Creedmoor and do intend to update as soon as I find some time to think out the rest of the Drek plot and put it into words.

See you soon!

Monday, August 03, 2009

Preview - Solomon Drek, the Singing Canary of Creedmoor


Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.

After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.

Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.

Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.

Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.

And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.

They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"

Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.

Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.

Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.

That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.

And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.

Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....

More coming later this week...

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Update Delayed


Creedmoor will be updated later this week and then I will return to my once a week on Sunday schedule.

I apologize for the delay; still catching up from a computer crash last week and from 9 Av.