Sunday, July 31, 2005

Gite Nayes - Creedmoor Home (Wrecking) Center Opens Today

Be'ezras hashish yisborach and thanks largely to this blog, the number of yidden who are interested in being mekayem the mitzvah of biur machsan ve'mifal (burning of warehouses and factories) in time for 9 Av has grown to the point that we cannot stock enough accelerants, solvents, and defective electrical equipment in MehaDreckMart. So, we are proud to announce the opening of:

Your one stop shop for pure Arab crude based petroleum distillates, in liquid, solid and gel form, all kasher lemehadrin and guaranteed free of tumos haTzionis. We also feature UL uncertified heaters and stoves from slave labor factories in China and Pakistan, as well as defective fuses and underpowered circuit breakers. All are priced at least 250% above properly manufactured substitutes!
Yecharev Baischo is operated by the legendary insurance adjuster Groinem Nishtgeferlachman, who will assist you in claiming all possible insurance and compensation from public and private sources as well as providing you with the best advice and instructions regarding biur. Our staff of incompetent pyrotechnicians will make sure YOU don't get burnt when your warehouse goes up in flames!
Guarantee: If you end up in Federal or State koilel after burning your property with our products, A SHALIACH OF THE ADMOU"R WILL LEARN WITH YOU EVERY DAY IN THE CAN!
So, come and see Reb Groinem today! Your warehouse might regret it, but you won't! For the months of Tammuz, Av and Elul, we offer ONE FREE QUART OF SAUDI KEROSENE with every gallon purchased! The more you buy, the more you save!
Call Groinem NOW at 1-888-GEB-RENT! Yecharev Baischo is located in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, between Chaim's Hymishe Talking Fish Store and MehaDreckMart.

Creedmoor Profiles No.1 - Haham Rahamim Loyashar

From time to time, we will be presenting profiles of our Creedmoor personalities; our rabbonim, our supporters, our baalei batim, our noshim tzidkaniois, and all other of our multiple personalities. We begin with the fascinating story of Haham Rahamim Loyashar:

Harav Rahamim Elyashar is a true tzaddik. Few would dream that this compact, trim, polite man, a ba'al tshuva who is related to one of the oldest Jewish families in Yerushalayim, dares to visit some of Israel's toughest prisons on a daily basis. Shattah, the Ramle complex, Kfar Yona - all are on the rav's daily route depending on what part of the country he is located in on any given day. Over the past ten years, the rav, who is usually under no illusions of being able to save every single prisoner, has been able to bring the light of Torah to some of the darkest Jewish neshamos known to our people. But, to be sure, there have been failures. And no failure was greater, or more exasperating, than a young forger, drug dealer, procurer, automobile thief, bank fraudster, illegal gambling parlor operator, and all around "tzaddik" by the name of Shabtai Kahiashvili. Or at least that is what all involved in his many legal cases believe his name to be - for Shabtai has more identity cards and passports than the good Rav Elyashar has hairs in his long, full beard.

Rav Elyashar had learned early on to avoid those prisoners who used his program to lighten their sentences or to obtain special privileges - with one exception - the master con artist Shabtai Kahiashvili. "King Shabtai of Shattah" managed to obtain no fewer than five pairs of tefillin from the rav - all of which he dismembered so that he could fill the batim with hashish, heroin and cocaine. He then sold the special "Kabbalistic tefillin" to other prisoners in exchange for cash, guns and more drugs. But rest assured that our dear Shabtai did not desecrate the parchments - he wrapped them in cellophane and hung them on his cellbloc door as a "Kabbalistic Mezuzah." To be sure, he did sell two or three of the klafim to a gullible attorney who took over his case, but the tables turned and Shabtai ended up with six more months tacked on to his series of twenty year sentences.

Finally, Shabtai decided it was time to escape. So, he simply had his cousin in Tel Aviv print a new identity card - under the name Rav Rahamim Elyashar, but with his own picture in place of that of the rav. Now, it must be remembered that in Israel, there is a sizeable anti-religious left wing population which is opposed to initiatives such as that of Rav Elyashar. Many of these leftists are to be found in the Israeli judiciary.

Sure enough, Shabtai Kahiashvili appealed his many cases, and all were scheduled to be heard by the queen of the leftist judges, the sonah torah ve'tzoreret hayehudim Ayelet Piccolocazzia. One could imagine how this Izevel's hideously unattractive face lit up with glee when Kahiashvili claimed he was actually Rav Elyashar and that he was running spurious tshuva programs as an inmate! This meant an arrest warrant for the real Rav Elyashar, who was beside himself with worry - he never imagined that such a thing would happen to him.

Enter Moshiko Levy, a young former offender who is now a student in a kollel in Be'er Sheva, thanks to the intervention of Rav Elyashar. Moshiko, a former cheque forger, still maintains some contacts with people of his former ilk, and one of these came up with an ingenious scheme. He prepared a new forged identity card in the name "Rahamim Alav LOYASHAR" and affixed a picture of Kahiashvili to the new card. Then, he bribed a corrupt court officer to take the forged Elyashar card and destroy it, replacing it with the Loyashar card.

Even Judge Piccolocazzia had to laugh, as it now appeared that Kahiashvili was one of the stupidest convicts to ever grace the Israeli prison system. LOYASHAR? Dishonest? She ordered the cancellation of the arrest warrant for the rav, who continues to do Hashem's work in Israeli prisons to this very day, although he refuses to involve himself with forgers unless his former student, Moshiko, vets them first.

Now, how did the nonexistent Rahamim Alav Loyashar end up in an unofficial ward of Creedmoor? For this, we must follow the path of the forged identity card even further.

Like so many anti-religious leftists, Judge Piccolocazzia is idealistic up to her pocketbook. A fan of fancy jewelry and watches, which she affords thanks to bribes from criminals, corrupt developers and the like, she often shops at a little hovel in Mea Shearim known as "Yankev's Duty Free." Yankev was not always known as Yankev - he was once known as Kobo Michaeli, ne Yaakov Michalshvili in Tbilisi. And of course, Yankev is what one would call a fence. Now that he is a member of the Moshe Hirsch Neturei Creedmoor sect (which he joined upon his release from Yeshivat Maasiyahu), he has been told that fencing is a mitzvah as it takes profits from the evil Zionist government. He also has a heter to sell fake Rolexes at prices just below airport duty free - especially to his favorite customer - Ayelet Piccolocazzia!

But this time, Ayelet Piccolocazzia was coming to sell - a fake teudat zehut under the name of Rahamim Loyashar! We know, however, that Yankev is not stupid enough to pay for such a work of art - instead, he simply "took it for appraisal." Laughing his head off, he knew that there was only one place to send such a find - Creedmoor. He duly mailed the card with a request for a brocho to the Admou"r me Creedmoor...and now the fun really began.

The Admou"r sent the card on to his cousins, bent immigration attorneys by the names of Melvin and Burton Shmoigerman. He asked that Rahamim Alav Loyashar receive a green card, and all possible welfare benefits - and of course he paid his cousin in forged food stamps. Then, he registered an empty room in D-ward as "Frenkel's Shul (yes -talk about chutzpah!) - the Sephardic Beit Midrash of Creedmoor! Bingo! Property tax rebates and parsonage!"

And for seven years running, no one has cared to inspect this shul, which is registered in an abandoned basement bathroom in D-ward. And, thanks to the cooperation of a bent Indian psychiatrist on the Creedmoor staff (a Sikh, Budhu Singh Ramachandran, who has now taken to wearing a Creedmoorer turban a/k/a tin foil hat himself), the benefits for this great haham keep piling in every year!

MehaDreckMart - This Week's Specials

Prepare for the Feast of 9 Av, Rishus Tzmichas Golusaynee - with Mashke and New Clothing from MehaDreckMart!

Glen Creedmoor Rare Old Single Barrel Whisky - 10 Years Old - Distilled from Iraqi Crude Obtained Via the Oil for Food Programme - 98 Octane, Lead Free!! 99 food stamps/750 mls. NOTE: This is a limited edition of 100 bottles! Get yours fast!

Glen Creedmoor Der Admou"r's Blend - 7 Years Old - Distilled from a mixture of Iraqi, Saudi and Kuwaiti Crude - 95 Octane, Leaded. 35 food stamps/1 liter

Frozen Cat Fillets - Cleaned and Skinned Under Our Mehadrin Supervision - 8 food stamps/pound.

Men's Saran Wrap Tush Bekeshers - Small, Medium, Large, Extra Large, Jumbo Super - all plastics made from Arab crude in Egyptian and Syrian factories - 50 food stamps.

Women's Tin Foil Yom Tov Dresses - LEYLOI CHASHASH TUMAS TZIOINIS! - imported from Afghanistan in Burqa Style - 30 food stamps - available in all sizes!

Men's Tin Foil Shtreimlach - made in Creedmoor with Egyptian tin foil from the Ahmed ibn al-Khinzeer factory, owned by a member of the Muslim Brotherhood - 25 food stamps!

All specials valid from 32 Tammuz - 10 Av.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

The Inner Meaning of Section 8 al'pi (tabaat) ha'Admour:

A quick drash that was just sent to me via SMS by the Admou"r:

What is the inner meaning of the Section 8 payments that are so important to us as Creedmoorer chassidim?

The number 8 has the gematriya of ches. Achaynee ha-Frenkim pronounce ches as chet. And what is Creedmoorer chassidus based on if not chet? Yiras chet - yira through chet! And what means section? Pilug? And what means pilug? Machloikes - another of the amidim of our Creedmoorer emino. By taking section 8 payments that are not coming to us, we fulfill our goal - chet - and we then bring about the great day which we so fear - yitamu chatoim min ho'aretz ve'reshoim ad einom! And now we go even further - i'beavid reshooooim rino - our great nigun - yes, by being reshoooooim and peygering, we will allow our survivors to ivdi es hashem besimche....

(At this point, staff psychiatrist Dr Chakaparkoon Pramkahnshanda, a former elephant veterinarian from Chiang Mai, Thailand, fired a tranquiliser dart toward the Admou"r's porcelain kisse hakavod, and our hyliger Admou"r passed out....)

Keep in mind that the Admou"r is under heavy sedation; this may help you understand his drashois.

Rabbi Yukel Shpritzvasser of Aluvas Yishmoel d'Backwater Shil Shul announces the opening of a new site for teenagers who wish to discuss and exacerbate their problems with hashkafah, parents, school, camp etc as well as to develop even more complexes:

Opening 33 Tammuz 5765 ha'bo olynee ke'klaloh
Rabbi Shpritzvasser will now present his site, in his own words:
"In my work at Aluvas Yishmoel, the Stinking Creek Shul of Creedmoor, I meet many teens who have questions that they just cannot answer without thinking. But most teens do not know how to think; they need to be taught to think in the Creedmoorer Derech, which was handed down to Moishe Ferdganver at Mount Sinai Hospital psych ward and is therefore Toyre meSinai, from which we cannot deviate statistically or sexually or in any other way.
My site is intended for teens who cannot think for themselves, and who need someone who really cannot think straight in order to think for them. I do not want to encourage creativity or debate. Sure, there are 70 ponim latoirah, but with the exception of mine - Creedmoorer derech - they are all tuchesdike ponimlach. So, I want to make sure that teens, and especially teen girls who are really vulnerable, do not ever stray from our derech. That is why I will censor any and all views that do not agree with mine, and when no one supports me, I will log in myself as Rivki, or Chani, or Raizy, and post my own deos under another name. Now, teenagers will see that being Creedmoor is cool - Creedmoor is the best way to keep teenagers from leaving Yiddishkeit because once a teenager sees that her peers are moving toward Creedmoor, she will follow them like sheep. Never mind that inzere nashim tzidkoniis are called Izevel, Tzoiah, Yenta, Machla, Zaineh - I log in using Zionist girls' names so as to confuse the Yetzer Horo.
Also, I hope to make some money doing shidduchim - for every shidduch I make on the site, I will sign both the chosson and kallah up for SSI and Section 8 and have the cheques sent to me. This is the beauty of the Creedmoorer derech - chesed shel gnyveh.
Finally, I want to invite all teens and all with IQ's in the teen range to my shul, which overlooks the beautiful sewage disposal creek in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. We will be having Shabbatonim and other entertainment every Friday night."
Thank you, Rabbi Schpritzvasser. Also, we understand that you have quite a yichis to be proud of. Can you tell us about your hyliger ancestors?
"Certainly. My great uncle was Rabbynee Zimri Krechtzman, the man who was known as "the shaliach of the Yetzer Horo in Bangkok" for all that he did there when he ran a heroin trading operation in Thailand. My grandfather is Rabbi Shlemiel Brechschafter, the Tzaddik fin Chelm, who resides in a padded cell somewhere in the Zionist entity because of his views. I learned with both of them, and am especially influenced by my great-uncle, who used to call me every day from Bangkok to make sure I was doing enough avyrois..."

Thursday, July 28, 2005

"Gimpel and the Marvelous Misois Machine" - New Children's Video from Creedmoor

Rabbi Schmendrik'l Tziglschafter, Principal of the Ahavas Neorim Cheder of Creedmoor, is well known for his "Gimpel and Genendel" series, starring two of his children. Now, he brings us a video starring his son alone (his daughter is now 12 and has begun her studies at Beis Prutza d'Creedmoor).

The video tells us how Gimpel visits his Rebbe, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who shows him how to build an automatic arba misois beis din machine.

Here are some excerpts from Part 1 - The Skila Seesaw.

Admou"r (played by Chazzan Lipman Schmaltzherring as the Admou"r is tone deaf due to the side effects of Thorazine and electroshock):

"When you see chilul shabbos throw those stones
First flip them off the cliff and break their bones"


But how do I do that, K'void ho'Admou"r?


Well, that is why we have the Special Skila Seesaw! You see, you put a rock in the back of your tatty's pickup truck, and then place a board on top!


But you are not supposed to touch a truck on Shabbos!


Ah, but you see, you are not 13 yet. And anyway, if you grow up to be a good Creedmoorer bochur, then when you really are 13, you will become a shoiteh! And a shoiteh can do whatever he wants on Shabbos!


Can the Admou"r give me a brocho that I will become a shoiteh when I grow up?


When you were born, I already gave your parents a brocho "that your son Gimpel should grow to be a Shmoiger - Shoite, Moiser, Gass Ruach - and since they are shoitim, you will probably also become a shoiteh!


Ooo..thank you, Admou"r! I am so happy to be a Creedmoor yingele:


I'm so happy to be a Creedmoor boy
Because every other Yid is really a goy
Since I was three I shout Shygetz Aroys
And I'll do it with pride, in a great loud voice!


Gimpel, that was great! You really bring nachas to me and to your parents who raise you to be a good Creedmoorer Chossid and chilul shamayim! Now I will teach you how to use the Skila Seesaw!

All you do is - when you see someone not keeping Shabbos the way we do - or wearing clothes that we don't wear - you ask them to get on the pickup truck for a chance to win a big prize! Then, you tell them to sit on one end of the Special Skila Seesaw and when they do, you push down on the high end and watch them fly into the air and fall down hard! If there is a cliff nearby, that is the best!

When they fall down, then you take stones and throw them until the guy peygers! Isn't that fun?


Oh, yes! This is really so much fun! I cannot wait to join the Shygetz Aroys Shabbos Patrol!


Congratulations! You are now General Gimpel of the Tzivos ha-Shygetz!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Disengagement Controversy Highlights Succession Battle in Creedmoor

A controversy regarding the planned Creedmoor Disengagement - that is, the sale of D-ward and Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - has pitted two factions of Creedmoorer Chassidim against each other.

The two factions, one of which favours Rabbi Henek Schmoigerman, the son of the present Admou"r meCreedmoor, and the other of which supports Rabbi Tzig'l Stalewater, who is married to Rebbetzin Skila, a daughter of the present Admou"r, are fiercely battling each other in anticipation of the day when Rabbi Dovid'l Shmoigerman, who has been under heavy sedation for over ten years due to a number of offenses which he committed while out on furlough, will finally have his dosages of medication reduced, thereby rendering him coherent, which would in turn make him ineligible to lead the Creedmoorer community.

The Creedmoorer community is said to be the largest recipient of government entitlement programs in the entire United States, with each Creedmoorer Chassid receiving a minimum of three sets of disability, Medicare, food stamp, SSI, and other benefits. These benefits are then signed over to the community, which in turn provides for its individual members.

If the New York State Commission on Mental Health decides to sell the long abandoned D-ward and "Kiryas Naye Creedmoor" complexes and land to private developers, the Chassidim could conceivably be relocated to the far more cramped and tightly supervised C-ward. If that were the case, an audit would be conducted, and it could well lead to suspension of welfare benefits for some of the multiple personalities who now receive steep subsidies.

Therefore, the Henek faction, known as the Chayavei Henek, opposes this disengagement. On the other hand, Rabbi Stalewater and his followers, known as the Issurei Skila after the name of their Rebbetzin, support this move, for they see it as an opportunity to purchase the buildings and grounds themselves, using the proceeds from their entitlement grants.

As always, when Creedmoor is involved, there are discrepancies regarding various supposed facts. First and foremost is that Rabbi Henek Shmoigerman and Rabbi Tzig'l Stalewater have the exact same birth dates - 45 May 1965 - 81 Adar 5725. Then there is the question as to whether anyone has ever seen either of these two rabbis:

Rabbi Lipman Schmaltzherring, cantor of the Creedmoorer synagogue and owner of a fish store: " Look, you want I should learn you something? I haven't seen nothing from henek and from skila - this is all about GELT - you have this fight, and then in the end our Admou"r will wake up and put all of the properties in his name anyway. One of the fish in my store told me everything, and I knew it was really the rebbe's father speaking to me."

Dr Koo Sum Ak, staff psychiatrist, Creedmoor Psychiatric Center: "Well, you know, I look upside, I look downside and I not seeing no one in D-ward besides one skinny little man with orange garbage bag and tin foil hat. But he such nice man - he give me every month a box cigars so I not say nothing how many people really in D-ward."

In the meantime, disengagement opponents, led by Rabbi Henek, have called upon their supporters to wear clear plastic garbage bags over their bodies, and nothing else, so that all and sundry can see that they should remain wards of the State.

MehaDreckMart - the Creedmoorer Supermarket!

Be'ezras hashish yisborach, we announce the following specials for July 25, 2005 - July 35, 2005 at the one and only MehaDreck Mart, formerly Mehadrin Dreck Mart, under the strict supervision of the Creedmoorer Rabbinical Council © and the Arba Misos Beis Din d'Creedmoor:

All products are free of tumas tzioinis except as noted.

1) Styrofoam Peanuts a/k/a Creedmoorer Popcorn - made with certified Saudi petrochemicals - parve - 5 food stamps/pound.

2) Clorodrex Bleach - made specially for Creedmoor MehaDreck Mart by Farid Mohammed al-Ahabel and Sons Chemical Factory, Ramallah, Palestine may it be rebuilt speedily and in our days - kasher lemehadrin for kiddush and havdalah - 10 food stamps/gallon.

3) NEW! Nivul-B-Gon Soap Pops for Kids! Lime and raspberry flavours - prepared under personal supervision of the Admou"r in our padded kitchens! Kid using nivul peh? Give him a pop! Just 8 food stamps/box of 12.

4) No Dong Park Hintele Steaks - imported from North Korea and schechted by Creedmoorer shochtim! 15 food stamps/pound.

5) Goldfish and Vaseline Salad - "Hymie's Hymish Talking" brand - all Vaseline is made from Saudi petroleum in Khan Yunis and Tul Karem! All goldfish guaranteed to have shouted "Shygetz Aroys" before giving up their nefashos habehamiois. Just 4 food stamps/pound.

Delivery throughout Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, Avyroh Park Gardens, D-ward and Kew Gardens Hills. Call 1-888-MES-HIGE for delivery. Our store is located in the third abandoned building on the right, opposite the Naye Creedmoor Beis Medrash and Massage Parlor and next to Hymie's Hymish Talking Fish Market.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

A Capella Concert to Benefit Moisdois Creedmoor

While Creedmoorers do not observe the ban on music during the Three Weeks, during which we who walk in the four watt flickering light bulb that is Chassidus Creedmoor actually celebrate the beginning of golus with fireworks and striptease every night until the Feast of 9 Av, we understand that those who are not yet Creedmoorers do observe this ban. So, we are pleased to present:

33 Tammuz 2005 (34.07.2005) at 8 PM Sharpton
Reb Lipman Schmaltzherring
Fryed Out Avremel
Abishnormal Farschimmeltbrodt
and the one and only
Menivil ben Zimri (MBZ)
About the performers:
Reb Lipman Schmaltzherring is the Chazzer of K'hal Sinos Chinom d'Creedmoor - Creedmoorer Shil Shul. "Every time I hear him, I want that they should return mayn GELT! His singing is A KAPPOOOORE!" (City Slicker Yitzi magazine)
Fryed Out Avremel has been performing in prisons and asylums since his own parents had him committed to Bellevue at the age of three.
"Mi ze haidiot haze? Ma hu shar bichlal? Le mi et mi? D'haynu, kontzertim hem mi'lizok urefuah shleimo kroiva lavo." (Kfar Chaval magazine)
Abishnormal Farschimmeltbrodt is the latest Creedmoorer star! He is noted for taking songs from outside the Creedmoorer velt and making them © Creedmoor Rabbinical Counci Kosher by re-recording them in Creedmoorer pronunciation.
"M'na raglecho me'shirosov!" (Yated Ne'elam)
Menivil ben Zimri is the son of the late Chelmisher chozzer Zimri Vantzenschlepper. He has been frightening audiences with his performances for over 25 years, and is now fortunately no longer able to screech out high notes. "Someday, our scars and our wounds will disappear. A real singer will descend. In the meantime, from this singer I don't need a thing!" (The Jewish Pressure)
As always, ticket prices will be determined by the weight of the guests - 30 Euro per pound of body weight. Receipts for up to four hundred per cent of the ticket price are provided upon request!
This concert is not to be missed and is recommended for those who are L"A profoundly deaf.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Dr. Acharoin Lechterschvantz - A Creedmoorer Dissident

While D-ward in Creedmoor has been abandoned since 1969 and is home only to unofficial patients such as the Admou"r meCreedmoor, C-ward was abandoned only in 1987 and is home to a patient who is in protective custody due to an incident in his prior home, D-ward.

Actually, the Gaon of C-ward, Dr. Acharoin Lechterschvantz, is a Zionist, albeit a leftist who some say is of more danger to Medinas Yisroel Rishis Tzmichas Golusaynee than a thousand Moshe Hirsches (the Admou"r is no danger to anything or anyone because he is maintained under heavy sedation). He is also quite the intellectual, and as such spends his considerable free time teaching all and sundry just how not to find a reason to accept the Torah on faith! In addition, his defence of leftist positions is much appreciated by his talmidim of the Peresite persuasion, who receive his scribblings every week via E-mail. Some of his dreckishe drashim are reproduced in the future journal of the palestinian state, presently known as Am ha-Aretz!

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is too obtuse to understand that Dr Lechterschvantz is actually his GREATEST ally, and therefore forced the good Doctor off of D-ward by hitting him over the head with a talking fish which shouted Shygetz Aroys!

In the good Doctor's defence, it must be pointed out that he does not receive anything other than the SSI to which he is entitled. However, what is not known is whether the Shabak or other parties in the Zionist entity finance his rather extensive library of English literature and secular philosophy, all reprinted on soft toilet paper as per Creedmoor regulations.

New Creedmoor Housing Development

Are you tired of living in cramped, crowded Boro Park or Flatbush, but afraid to move to the suburbs because there is no machloikes and because it is harder to get subsidies?


is your new home!
Avyroh Park Gardens is located on a vacant swamp in prestigious Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. The peaceful setting is very unpleasant for the Admou"r and he has decided to build a new kehilla based on MACHLOIKES and funded by hyliger entitlement programs!
Homes in Avyroh Park Gardens are available only to those who can demonstrate an ability to obtain government grants as well as proof that they are deeply involved in a major machloikes or scandal in their former communities! For more information about this new and exciting kehilla, contact Ferdganver and Schlockhandler Developments (F and S) via E-mail

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Y'may Creedmoor - Creedmoorer Yomim Noroim - part 3

The only day which Creedmoorers mark according to the Zionist calendar is Tisha b'Av. While most of the rest of the Jewish world awaits Moshiach so that they can feast on this day, the Admou"r celebrates this date as Yoim Golus - the day on which Golus began and therefore the antithesis of Zionism.

To commemorate the destruction of the Zionist Beis Hamikdash, pigs are brought to the courtyard of the Kiryas Naye Creedmoor shul and slaughtered in ways that are best not described so that more sensitive readers will not be discomforted. All pigs would be chayavei skila as well for certain reasons having to do with gilui arayos (the Admou"r paskens that gilui arayos pertains only to lions - once again - Creedmoor does NOT adhere to Zionist spelling rules).

The Creedmoorer Tisha b'Av celebration is often attended by Messrs. Beck (Dreck), Weiss and Friedbrain of Neturei Creedmoor; all are qualified shochtei chozzerim as well as qualifying as chozzerim in general and therefore carry out the slaughter of the pigs in the shul yard.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Urgent - "Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne" is in critical condition.... she is about to be stricken from the welfare, Medicaid, SSI, social security, disability and Section 8 rolls! This terrible tragedy is a severe blow to our esteemed Admou"r, who will now have only 365824 phoney identities collecting as many as thirteen entitlement grants per identity! Apparently, Creedmoor psychiatrists have discovered that the "Rebbetzin" does not and never did exist, for it is known that the Admou"r has extremely little interest in the opposite gender.

However, records show that there indeed was a Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Creedmoorer; what is not clear is whether she was ever married to the Admou"r and whether she ever signed up for various welfare programs. A Heter Mea Rabbonim signed by 100 members of the Geltschvindler, Ganvetman, Schlanghacker, Tzudraytenberg, Ibberbottelman, Feketeszar and Loyashar rabbinical families shows that the Admou"r and the Rebbetzin may have divorced, and rumour has it that the former Rebbetzin now resides in Rockland County Psychiatric Center.

Regardless, we ask that all Creedmoorer Chassidim add in acts of sinos chinom, genaivo, mirma and the like so that the Rebbetzin will be maintained on the grant rolls, with all benefit accruing to the Admou"r.

Rabbi Zimri Shmendricknacker, Mazkir of the Admou"r meCreedmoor

Rebbetzin Yente Cholerye Klala Ferdganver, Chairwarmer, N'shei Creedmoor

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Y'may Creedmoor - Creedmoorer Yomim Noroim - part 2

December 25th:

Yahrtzeit of Onan ben Yehuda.

As is well known, the Admou"r is a direct descendant of Onan ben Yehuda through Zera Levatala, who was the daughter of Onan and was conceived through non natural means. Therefore, this fictitious yahrtzeit is celebrated by Creedmoor on the birthday of yet another fictional character who was supposedly conceived through non natural means...

This holiday is celebrated through hotzaas zera levatala, which, like m. zochor, is a cardinal mitzvah of Creedmoorer Chassidus. Therefore, and because of the lack of supervisory personnel, D-ward is closed to the public on December 25th.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

A New Creedmoorer Childrens' Song...

From the upcoming Yaldei Nambla d'Creedmoor album:

"Kish mir in Tuches" (Music - Chabad - Tachas Asher Kino l'Eilokav)

Don't kiss the front of me
I just don't trust you
Don't kiss the side of me
I'm not your type
Just stand in back of me
And kish mir in tuches
For you that would be
Just about right

Kish...mir in tuches
Kish...mir in tuches

Friday, July 15, 2005

Y'may Creedmoor - Creedmoor Yomim Noroim - part 1

Creedmoor does not use the Zionist calendar. Therefore, all Creedmoorer Yomim Noroim and Y'may Skilo are calculated according to the Calendar of the Shkootzim Ken Yirbi.

The most important Creedmoorer festival is the Yahrtzeit - the day on which the Admou"r was committed to Creedmoor to begin his rebbeschaft (as in schafting every government agency out there.) This coincides with Labor Day; the story of the Yahrtzeit is as follows:

Rabbi Dovid'l Creedmoor was not a US citizen when he was committed to Creedmoor. He was sent there by a sympathetic Hungarian Chassidic couple, whom we will call the Grunwalds, as a relative of theirs from the Zionist entity had realised that this wannabe ba'al tshuva from the Yukon Territory was non compos mentis [he claimed to be a Breslover, and he performed hisboidedus by running around Yerushalaim yelling "Shygetz Aroys" and "Down With Zionism (well, down with began with an F), while wearing a tinfoil hat and boxer shorts that were 3 sizes too big for his scrawny frame.] However, the director of Creedmoor could not admit him without a committment order, so that all that could be done was to sneak Dovid'l into Creedmoor's abandoned D-ward on a legal holiday - which was Labor Day.

The Yahrtzeit is a full Yom Nora - no work is done, welfare cheques etc are not cashed, and medication is not taken. The Admou"r often reveals himself in full splendor while fiering tush, as his Yahrtzeit bekesher consists of a garbage bag worn as a sheath around his chest and legs, with tinfoil covering his arms. The bag slips down during the recitation of Shygetz Aroys, and the kahal shouts: Yechi Halemach Hamasriach! It is a Creedmoorer minhag not to bathe from August 1 to the Yahrtzeit and for 10 days afterward; the smells of the tush are just exquisite.

The Deeper Meaning of Shygetz Aroys

From "Tzoias Creedmoor," the Admou"r's weekly Parsha sheet:

What is Shygetz Aroys? A segila? A slogan? A war cry? The answer is - it is the ESSENCE of Judaism! For we who do not use the Zionist spelling rules know that Shygetz Aroys and Shulchan Oruch begin with the same letters - Samach Hey for Shygetz and Shulchan and Aleph for Aroys and Oruch (it must be noted that we write Oruch aleph-vov-reish-kuf-hay al pi masoires avoisenu ha'amarotzim).

So, when one shouts Shygetz Aroys, one is keeping the entire Shulchan Oruch - for what is the Shulchan Oruch, what is halacha, if not a way of keeping the shkootzim far away from us????

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Further Addenda to the Latest Chyrem!

We hereby state that the recitation of ANY psukim or pirkei Tehillim which are sung by non-Kosher singers including:

Mordechai Ben Dovid
Avraham Fried (Fryed)
Ya'akov Shwekey (NOT to be confused with our Ne'im Zmirot Ishma'el Yossi Dreckey)
The Miami Boys Choir (NOT to be confused with our Nambla Boys Choir)
Isaac Honig
Shloime Daskal
Shimon Craimer
Lipa Schmeltzer (NOT to be confused with our hyliger Lipman Schmaltzherrink)
and many others not mentioned above

MAY NOT BE RECITED IN THE CREEDMOORER BEIS MEDRASH, OUTSIDE OF THE BEIS KISSE! It is stated in Avney Skilo 365.23 that once a pasuk has been used for tryfe purposes, it is tryfe and cannot be allowed into our Kedeishas Hakedeishois.

Since we do not wish to dedicate our valuable learning time to listening to such music in order to determine a list of psukim , we hereby proclaim the ENTIRE Sefer Tehillim OSSUR to the Creedmoorer kehilla.

Chyrem of the Week - Jewish Music Banned by Admou"r

Rabbi Ferdel Luftmensch, Rosh Koilel of Koilel Mevakshei Kesef d'Creedmoor, announces the following:

In these dark days of Golus, which we who walk in the dim light of the flickering fir vatt lichtbulb that is Creedmoor Chassidis so much want to prolong, there is a certain type of music that is masquerading as Jewish Music, but that is emmesdike tryfe.
Such music stems from the lowest depths of civilisation; namely the desire to bring about the Redemption (NOT the redemption of forged food stamps, which is the goal of our hyliger community vesha'ar marin bishin)
We therefore place the following types of music in cherem:
1) Any song with words that express a yearning for Geula and Moshiach.
2) Any song which is upbeat or happy in any way.
3) Any song which refers to Yerushalayim or Tziyoin.
4) Any song which does not contain the phrase "Shygetz Aroys" or "Shiksa, Gy Avek, " or the word "Reshoim," with the exception of songs which call for the abolition of the Zionist Entity.
We hereby proclaim that the only Jewish music which meets with our approval is:
1) "Hashym Heee Malkaynee" (Neturei Karta anthem)
2) Ana bahra Israil (I Hate Israel) - Sha'aban Abdel Raheem (Egypt)
3) We will IY"H be producing an album of Creedmoorer niggunim called "Rinos Reshoim," and recorded by Reb Lipman Schmaltzherring, our esteemed Chazzer, along with the Creedmoorer Nambla Kinderlach Boys Choir, featuring guest soloists Avirom Ferdkopf and Chilul Schvantz.
May we never, ever be able to see the rebuilt Bais Hamikdash in our days, and may we continue to live our lives in the spirit of sinos chinom and rishus.
Rabbi Ferdel Luftmensch.
I hereby affix my approbation, and also my 30 years of probation, to the above:
Addledaynee, Moronaynee, veRabidaynee Dovid'l Creedmoorer

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

An Urgent Appeal

Rachmones cases bnai rachmones cases! Our hearts cry out with the plight of a choshuve family of 10 hyliger neshomos, all walking in the flickering 4 watt bulb that is the light of Chassidus Creedmoor. Last week, the grandmother of the head of the family, a choshuver avreich who learns all day while collecting every possible government grant, was disconnected from life support after four years of ptira. This means that the avreich's family can no longer collect Social Security, SSI, disability payments, Section 8, Senior Citizen Rent Increase Exemptions, kickbacks from doctors and medical supply firms, and many other sources of income that they were collecting for the year during which she was ill and the four years since she was niftr geven. This leaves the family practically destitute - their present subsidies cannot cover the 2000 dollar shytlach, payments on a Lexus and a Jaguar, trips to Kever Arafat in Ramallah, 150,000 dollar weddings, and other necessities of an average Creedmoorer family.

So, we, the undersigned, arvei d'rabbonon and peyos d'tzadikei of our generation, ask you, hard working freierlach, to empty your pockets and subsidise the lifestyle of an up and coming family of ba'alei aveiros and reshoim! Please give generously to:

Keren Shlimazzl
Room 98, D-ward
80-45 Winchester Boulevard
Queens Village, NY 11427
In the merit of this great chessed, may your family continue to collect welfare, SSI, disability, and section-8 for generations to come, misoich phony illnesses, faked disabilities, imagined poverty, and utter laziness.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor bekvoidoi ibeatzmoi
Rabbi Bilom Geldchapper, Av Beis Din, Arba Misois Beis Din d'Creedmoor
Rabbi Shelumiel Schmendrikovitz, Chairman, Chessed l'Koirach Fund of Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin
Rabbi Kalev Hunt Zilberschlepper, Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshiva veKoillel Rinos Reshoim d'Creedmoor

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Creedmoor Aveirois Campaign - Contest Winners

The Va'ad Mivtza Aveirois d'Creedmoor is proud to announce the winners of our Children's Aveiro Campaign Contest Winners:

First Place: Yichud with the Admou"r meCreedmoor:

Genendel Schlockhandler (bas Bilaam ve Tzoiah): Stole over 1000 dollars' worth of dresses from a store in Boro Park. Set the store alight after her father sold the owner a policy with Creedmoor as the beneficiary.

Second Place: 2 Yichud Sessions with the Admou"r meCreedmoor:

Chomor Ganevberger (bas Koirach ve Yachne Cholerye): Took his neighbour's Lexus for a joyride and crashed it into 2 old ladies, knocking over their shopping carts and causing 3500 dollars damage to the car.

Third Place: A year of Yichud Sessions with the Admou"r meCreedmoor

Yente Vashti Scheissfelder (bas Ahav A"H ve Zoine Klalla): Vandalized three non-Creedmoor shuls with the slogan "Shygetz Aroys" in Harlem graffiti artist style. Signed her work "Yoily" so that a member of another community would be blamed.

Details of the next Creedmoor Aveiro Campaign Contest will be announced here shortly. May we all be zoiche to do many, many aveirois and always promote sinos chinom so that the long and bitter golus will be prolonged and worsened.

Addledaynee, Moronaynee ve'Rabidaynee Dovid'l Creedmoorer

The Ferdganver Foundation, Sponsors of the Aveirois Contest

Rabbi Aharon Binyomin HaAgogi Hamanzon, Director, Beis ChaVaL

Rabbi Shelumiel Schlockhandler, Av Arba Misos Beis Din d'Creedmoor

Rabbi Akshan Schlepperman, Menahel, Mesivta Nambla Ahavas Ne'orim d'Creedmoor

An Interview with Aharon Binyomin HaAgogi Hamanzon - Menahel of the Beis ChaVaL of Creedmoor

Interview conducted by my associate Reb Getzel Shekerschreiber of Der Gelber Zhournal:

GS: Rabbi, what is the meaning of Beis Chaval?

ABHH: ChaVaL - Ches Veis Lamed - stands for Chamoirim Ve Leitzonim...

GS: Not the way I spell it doesn't - and I flunked spelling myself back in Sunday School

ABHH: Well, we are the kiruv branch of Chassidus Creedmoor, and we do not use Zionist spelling rules.

GS: Ah, yes - I just read that your Admou"r darshened that amaratzus is a middo toivo, and now I understand....

ABHH: Yes - I am completely ignorant of loshon keidesh, as well as of anything remotely resembling Toira. My shlichus is to mock a certain Rebbe who dedicated his life to bringing Moshiach...

GS: Why would you want to do that?

ABHH: We do not want Moshiach to come! Because if he does, not when, but if, because I am doing my best to make sure he does not come, ever, there will be no place for Creedmoorer Chassidus which is based on machloikes, sinos chinom, mirmo, and sheker...

GS: Yes, and you are a very great example of all of this.

ABHH: Thank you.

GS: So you take sichos of a very great Rebbe, and reprint them, claiming they were given over by "Melech HaMoshiach Shlit"a"?

ABHH: Exactly. I want to desecrate the memory of that Rebbe, and of everyone else who has the chutzpah to say that we should do everything possible to bring Moshiach....

GS: But you claim that there is a Melech HaMoshiach Shlit"a?

ABHH: Yes. I spotted him at a 7-11 outside Nashville last time I went to visit Graceland....

GS: Ah, yes. And why are you zoiche to such revelations?

ABHH: Because I have not taken my prescribed medications ever since my Admou"r smuggled me out of Creedmoor in a laundry wagon, and took my Medicare and Section 8 subsidy for himself...

GS: So where is the Beis ChaVaL?

ABHH: It is in the back of my van, where I sleep every time I am thrown out of a shul or beis medrash. Right now I park in front of the 7-11 in Graceland where I was zoiche to gilui El....

GS: Giluy Eliyahu? Or gilui arayis?

ABHH: Well, hmmm...take the E"l from Eliyahu, add a V (veis) for and, and take the is from arayis, and you've got it...

GS: You must be a great mekubal to come up with that...

ABHH: Yes - I am a mekubal - I know how to lekabel, lekabel, ve'lekabel....

GS: Thank you for your insights, and may you be zoiche to many such giluim....

ABHH: Thank you, and please do all you can to promote sinos chinom so that Moshiach will never come and my Admou"r can continue his malchis pesha ve'resha.

Al shloisha dvorim ha'oilam oimed...

The Creedmoorer darshans as follows:

Al shloisha dvorim ha'oilam oimed:

Al hatoira, al ha'avoida ve'al gemilus chasodim:

Toira: this is kanoius. We are the ONLY ones who have the correct derech - the derech of absolute fanaticism and pure, unadulterated sinos chinom!

Avoida: this is am'aratzus - only an am'ha'aretz is silly enough to work when he can live off of fraudulently obtained government assistance. While we do not work, we dedicate ourselves to being as lacking in knowledge in divrei toirah as those who do work are lacking in knowledge of how to siphon funds from the government, which brings us to:

Gemilus Chasodim: this means - getting the government to provide us with tzedoko funds. It is praiseworthy to receive at least three subsidy cheques per multiple personality, and I will say that whoever founds and maintains a fraudulent tax-exempt charity fund, and splits it 60-40 or better with me, the Menival ha-Doir, is called a pay tzaddik, a tzaddik who pays.

(This drosho was quite garbled according to those who were present; it was delivered after Dr Ramesh Patel forcibly removed the Admou"r from his D-ward beis medrash and took him to the main building for electroshock therapy and intravenous Haldol. This is necessary in order that the Admou"r can continue to bill Medicare three hundred and fifty times for various medical supplies - Patel receives a tsent'l for his assistance.)

The Very Depths of the Creedmoorer's Lomdus

2 shylas and the Creedmoorer' s psak:

1) Do we need to toivel tinfoil if we are going to wear it as opposed to using it for cooking?

Answer: YES. Chances are that the tinfoil was handled by someone who is affected at least by avak avi avos hatumos - and that is Zionism! For example, the supermarket owner could be supporting a Zionist charity, as could the distributor. In addition, we hold that the world press is controlled by Zionists. Certainly, the tinfoil was handled by someone who read a paper, listened to radio or watched TV (even at Creedmoor Super Mehadrin Mart, we cannot guarantee that this is the case as we do not yet have mateches yisroel tin foil. We hold that even the Satmar CRC are Zionists and we cannot yet find a suitable supplier). Therefore, all tinfoil is affected with tumas haTzioinus and must be toiveled in the kiddie pool in the former occupational therapy room in D-ward, which is the only Creedmoor certified mikveh. All tinfoil boxes must be burned, preferably al-pi minhag Creedmoor, which means in a well insured place of business that is saturated with solvents sold under the Creedmoorer hechsher.

2) What is your position on Rubashkin meat?

Answer: OSSUR, OSSUR, OSSUR! Rubashkin is an old Russian word for a shirtmaker or blousemaker. We do NOT wear such clothing as it is chukos hagoyim. We wear only garbage bags, tinfoil, and felt dunce caps (Creedmoorer shtreimlach). The Rubashkin family is therefore affected by the sins of their ancestors, and all of their products are TREYF. We accept only PURDUE chicken as it sounds similar to the French word PERDU, meaning lost. As we hold that the derech of Avraham Avinu is lost, we eat this meat as a statement that today's kashrus is in essence tarfus, and since no Creedmoorer is allowed near a sharp object, we eat certified treyf only.

NB: As soon as the Admou"r issued these piskei din, he was sent to electroshock therapy. See my next post for his post EST drash.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Fundraiser for Beit Midrash Sefaradi (Samach Mem) d'Creedmoor

Haham Rahamim Alav and Rabbanit Freha Prutza Loyashar invite all and sundry to:

Yossi Dreckey and Ois Simchos
Yossi Dreckey, the oldest son of our beloved supporter Jackie Dweck, is one of the greatest new voices in Jewish music. A talmid in our Beit Midrash Samach Mem (Sefaradi Majnoun), Yossi is noted for his ability to mimic JW singers of all persuasions as well as to inflict our traditions upon unwitting audiences. His CD "Dreckey 3" allowed his father to launder over 30,000 dollars in cash receipts from his clothing store in only five weeks!
Ois Simchos is the official Creedmoor wedding ensemble and will present a full program of Creedmoorer favourites including Skila, Sreyfo, Hereg veHenek Yavoi Olaynee and "Yavoi Hasatan me'Oimkei Gehennoim." We present this band for the benefit of any JW's who would like us to launder their ill-gotten gains through our concert.
The concert will be held on 31 Sivan (July 8 2005) at 11.30 PM in the Grand Padded Heichal of the Beit Midrash Samach Mem, Kiryat Creedmoor ha-Hadasha (Kiryas Naye Creedmoor al-pi tabaat ha-JW's), Creedmoor, Queens. Tickets are available at the door, and will be sold at the low, low price of 100 dollars per pound (12 ounces al pi minhag Kings Highway) of the body weight of each guest. As always, 300% of your donation is tax deductible as per the instructions of our Hahamim zechutam yagen aleihem.

The Aronim vs the Zalim - of Creedmoor

No, no one in Creedmoor cares at all about the struggle for the rebbistive in a certain large Hungarian community - this is another dispute altogether. To understand this latest machlokes in Creedmoor, it must be remembered that the Admou"r paskens that a certain type of conduct which I will refer to as m.zochor is a mitzvah on Shabbos, and is connected to "zachor es yom ha-Shabbos..."

However, m.zochor is not permitted according to the rules of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. On the other hand, D-ward and Kiryas Naye Creedmoor are abandoned property, so that it is not certain what rules pertain there, if any.

Hence the Aronim and the Zalim. The Aronim believe that m.zochor should be carried out quietly in the walk-in closets (aron in Hebrew) of D-ward, whereas the Zalim believe that it should be carried out berabim (in public) in the main hall (zal in Russian and some dialects of Yiddish) of the rather spacious Kiryas Naye Creedmoor yeshiva (apparently the former Creedmoor laundry).

Hence, the dispute was solved very easily. The Aronim are in control of D-ward, whereas the Zalim are to be found in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. As always, when Creedmoor is concerned, there is a strange aspect to the dispute - and in this case, it is that the Aronim and Zalim are the very same people - the Admou"r, Koirach Ferdganver and Mendy Klaynesmekel - and they change deos depending on what time of day it is and how many doses of medication they forget.

Apparently the only true Aroni was Yankev Ferdganver, who is now practicing m.zochor with his rov muvhak, Big Hank, in a two man beis medrash within the Federal Kollel system. His experiences in a walk-in closet with the Admou"r turned out to be fine preparation for the next 967 years of his life.

The Safari Rabbi - Rabbi Eizel Loebendreck - is in Chyrem, chamor

Creedmoorer Chassid and principal of the Mesivta Ahavas Ne'orim d'Creedmoor, Rabbi Eizel Loebendreck a/k/a The Safari Rabbi, has been placed in Chyrem, chamor by the Arba Misos Byes Din d'Creedmoor!

The rabbi, who ran a popular series of excursions to safari parks for Creedmoorer Chassidim who wished to learn to imitate animal behaviour, was placed in Chyrem for his book "The True Age of the Admou"r," in which he claimed that his Rebbe could not be a reincarnation of Koirach because his DNA corresponds to that of the Shmohawk Indian tribe of Upper New York State. In addition, Rabbi Loebendreck claimed that he himself is descended from Bilaam's donkey, which is not possible as if that were the case, he would also be related to the Admou"r and this is not so. Then again, maybe it is so - the Erev Rav never did keep accurate records.

Chyrem, chamor in the Creedmoorer community consists of being forced to march around the perimeter of the Creedmoor D-ward and Kiryas Naye Creedmoor complex holding at least one Creedmoorer Sefer Torah, which is available in pink, green, blue and white and wrapped in a package marked "Scottissue."

Creedmoorer sifrei torah are remarkable for their small size, soft parchment and lack of script - as well as the insistence that each sefer be comprised of 1000 sheets, "because 1000 sheets last longer than the Zionist entity!"

Welcome to the Website of the Creedmoorer "Kehillos"

Welcome to the official website of the Creedmoorer Kehillos - K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and K'hal Anshei (and I use the term very loosely!) Domim v'Mirmo d'Creedmoor. Both communities are under the leadership of Addledaynee, Moronaynee veRabidaynee "Reb Dovid'l Creedmoorer," the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and are located in the bowels of D-ward, a group of abandoned buildings on the premises of the ever shrinking Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Queens N.Y.

Needless to say, this site is based on satire and parody of some problems which unfortunately do exist in some or all frum communities. Basically, the ideology of Creedmoor is similar to that of today's rump Neturei Karta, the spiritual (nursing) home of gedoilim (the type which are best removed with Sano-bon, Lysol or Toilet Duck) such as Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Beck (Dreck) and Moishe Aryeh Friedman (Friedbrain). These names, as well as the name Sholam Weiss (a former Chossid who is now serving about 800 years in prison for fraud) are the only actual names which will appear in this blog; otherwise, it will deal strictly with the Creedmoor Chassidim themselves.

Creedmoor is NOT a parody of Satmar or any other legitimate Jewish community. It does draw inspiration from the present Neturei Karta as described above, but it is a parody only of those in any community who act according to the Creedmoorer derech - sinos chinom, machloikes, fanaticism, dishonesty and ignorance. If you read this and recognise anyone you know, do not complain to me. Instead, see to it that this person reads this blog as well so as to see how ludicrous his conduct really is.

The Va'ad haOilami d'Chassidei Creedmoor includes the following:

Yankev Ferdganver: presently sentenced to 976 years in "Federal Kollel" for various crimes including being overly machmir on biur chometz in his warehouse. Former Nosi of the Va'ad; now a sort of "demeritus" Nosi as he does not reside in Creedmoor.

Koirach Ferdganver: Brother of the above; also guilty of a large Lag b'Oimer fire in his textile enterprise, but was judged insane as he was wearing nothing but a small Israeli flag as a figleaf when he committed his crimes.

Yosef Kesef Nishtazoygutnick: Probably does not exist, but receives Section 8, SSI and other subsidies. Probably a virtual personality invented by the Admou"r as revenge against a certain formerly wealthy Australian entrepreneur who did not wish to fund Creedmoorer moisdos.

Benzaine Stalewater: Does not exist at all; also receives all possible government aid which is then signed over to the Admou"r. Here the reference is to a highly respected London property magnate who most definitely refused to contribute to the Creedmoorer cause.

Haham Rahamim Loyashar: Head of "Frenkel Shul," which is the Admou"r's derogatory term for the Sefardic minyan that meets in the basement of the Creedmoorer beis medrash. Receives contributions from Jackie Dweck, owner of a Harlem children's shop called "Dweck for Kids." The signator on the "Dweck" account is none other than Mrs Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Creedmoorer, the Rebbetzin of Creedmoor. Again, this points to a virtual personality invented for the purpose of receiving government aid.

Mendel Klaynsmekel a/k/a Morton Small: Recent committment to Creedmoor came about as a a result of the infamous Maspeth Lag b'Oimer Bonfire - more about this will be posted shortly (and is available in the archives). Sadly, Mendel exists; if one visits the Admou"r, he will also notice a small, thin man dressed in a tinfoil tish bekesher and cotton wool shtreimel, no matter the weather. This is Reb Mendel Klaynsmekel in all his glory.

Lipman Schmaltzherring: Proprietor of Chaim's Hymish Talking Fish Store as well as the Chazzan of the Creedmoorer Shul. Chaim's Hymish is located in "Kiryas Naye Creedmoor," a field of abandoned outhouses just outside D-ward. Lipman Schmaltzherring bears no resemblance whatsoever to a certain entertainer from Rockland County, NY. However, he does plagiarise said entertainer's music and lyrics (as well as those of Mordechai ben David and Avraham Fried) to create shvache shvachois regarding the arba misois beis din, welfare fraud, arson, extreme anti-Zionism and the phrase "Shygetz Aroys," which is a segula for Creedmoorer chassidim. Lipman probably does not exist either, but due to the extremely limited appeal of his performances and mp3's, he most certainly does receive SSI, social security, medicare, section 8 and disability payments. The stock at Chaim's Hymish seems to consist of one "Billy Bass" with a garbled Yiddish chip that shouts "Shygetz Aroys."

Those of the above who may actually exist make up the governing body of the Creedmoorer kehillos. All other kehilla members exist only on the rolls of various NYC, NYS and federal assistance programs.