Thursday, December 29, 2011

Update: Chanike Report on Sunday


We have just received word that the Admou"r was so impressed with the potential insurance proceeds from his Chanike extravaganza that he intends to light twelve candles on Sunday as he retells the story of his greatest insurance scam ever.

In addition, we are trying to confirm that the Admou"r did indeed endorse Ron Paul or whether he has actually been serving as Ron Paul's top secret foreign policy adviser during the recent weeks of campaigning.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Urgent Chanike Update from Creedmoor


We have been informed that the revelers who somehow were diverted from a Chabad menorah lighting ceremony to the Creedmoor Chanike Extravaganza on Motzoei Shabbos are just returning now from what turned out to be a very entertaining luxury cruise.

All we are aware of at present is that the Admou"r will manage to receive a large insurance payment, and that his success was due to hiring Berish (Bozo) and Zerach (Zero) Wercberger, a pair of clowns, as well as "Shygetz Aross Bacsi," a Creedmoorer children's entertainer. Entertainment for the ladies' section on this mehadrin cruise was apparently provided by Behyme the Tzigane Queen, whose most benighted family hails from the superbly benighted ancestral village of the Admou"r, namely Szarkonosvary, Hungary.

We also understand that the Admou"r and his Creedmoor Cretin Crew ensnared an unwitting South African bochur and two French girls who inadvertently led others to believe that the cruise was a Chabad event. Finally, we have been informed that the Admou"r was able to hijack a luxury river boat by promising Green Cards to its crew of illegal aliens.

More later in the week, when we have full reports on the overnight luxury cruise and a full analysis of the damage done to the world's leading insurance firms.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Part 1 - The Grand Chanike Extravaganza


The Admou"r knew he had only the slightest chance of blowing even a tiny hole in the Brooklyn Bridge with his planned Rabbeini Reiven Goldberg a/k/a Rube Goldberg nuclear pyrotechnics demonstration. He was not even surprised or disappointed that the bottle of "Ruhollah Islamic Super-Atomic Pistachio Scented Baby-Soft Plutonium Liquid" fuel concentrate brought to him by an Iranian U.N. envoy was adulterated.

Once he saw an invoice for "50% off" signed by "Mashiah Kamsanzadeh," he knew that the Mossad had its tentacles in the whole Bushehr operation, and therefore the fuel was obviously adulterated. Still, he paid the Iranian envoy his agreed price of $30,000, in unmarked three, five, seven, and nine food stamp notes as well as a couple of expired EBT cards.

The Admou"r set out to Downtown Brooklyn by way of Boro Park, where he knew he could raid a couple of wedding halls for unused alcohol gel fuel. He was trailed by a truck that included two rubber dinghies, three rubber duckies, seven styrofoam boards, and seven pickle barrels. He also had a large supply of homemade slivovitz (as an independent country, Creedmoor could operate all the distilleries it wanted, especially because the Admou"r had a habit of distilling vodka and gin from wood and other methanol-generating solids), and some kokosh cake laced with hashish. This was to be handed out to passersby who would certainly want to join his excursion to the columns under the Brooklyn Bridge rather than watch the same old boring Chabad menorah lighting that took place every year in downtown Brooklyn.

He also had a sign made with the following message: "K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Invites You to a Grand Menorah Lighting In Memory of the Zionist Entity and In Honor of the New President of North Korea, Kim Limp Duck." The sign would be hung from the Brooklyn Bridge, only because its creator could not be hanged from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finally, the Admou"r would beat those Lubavitcher tzioinim at their own game. He would khap their audience straight out from under them and take a dozen or so unwitting young Jewish families who were expecting to watch a boring ceremony at the Brooklyn docks on a cruise up the river that they would never forget. They would always remember how much better his kokosh cake was than the stale donuts and dubious latkes that issued forth from Crown Heights to spread a light far weaker than that of Doovid'l Schmoigerman, about whom it was said "Your fire will burn until the last uninsured building in the world is no longer standing!"

(Grand finale tomorrow)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Prelude: The Great Chanike Extravaganza


"Rabbi, somethin' don't look right here?" Sergeant James O'Malley of the Downtown Brooklyn branch of New York's Bravest told the FDNY Jewish Chaplain, who happened to be visiting the firehouse for Chanukah.

The rabbi could hardly contain his laughter. While Chabad-Lubavitch often requested fire permits for menorahs in the downtown area, their applications were submitted in a manner far more professional than this atrocity, which scrambled the letters of Lubavitch and added hyphens to suggest love for a female dog. Besides, the whole idea of "Chabad-Lubavitch of the Bridges and Tunnels," even if spelled properly, seemed quite absurd. The rest of the application was equally as absurd, as it was a permit to set off hazardous pyrotechnics under the Brooklyn Bridge in honor of the sixth night of Chanukah.

"Jim," the rabbi laughed, "that application is either a very sick prank or the work of some fanatics in Williamsburgh who want to discredit our friends at Chabad.....but really, this is the work of a certifiable EDP. The Willy crew is a bunch of meshuggeners, but this is really....," the rabbi's voice trailed off..."it has to be the work of a real crank..."

"Umm, Rabbi, this baby is pre-approved.........who has that kind of connections with the brass in New York? This is a disaster waiting to happen. He wants to screw concrete beams onto the bridge and burn barrels of kerosene under it or something like that."

The rabbi, who once led a congregation in Queens, said: "Whoever it is belongs in Creedmoor! This is either a prank or multiculturalism gone astray...can I see the application?"

One look at the seal on the application showed just where the applicant indeed not only belonged, but also resided: "Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of Unadulterated Baseless Hatred of the Independent Anti-Zionist Torah Republic of Creedmoor."

"Jim, this is a joke. File it away somewhere. If some nut from Creedmoor really wants to paddle out to the Brooklyn Bridge with a rowboat, towing a raft of concrete beams, he's not going to get too far!"

Meanwhile, in the D-ward Kever Komplex, deep in the bowels of the abandoned D-ward building that Dovid Schmoigerman called home, the fax machine whirred with confirmations of insurance policies, not only for a certain bridge that spans Brooklyn and Manhattan, but also for cancellation of a major public event due to force-majeure. All policies were payable by January 1, as they were guaranteed by the hard currency reserves of the Creedmoor republic, so the Admou"r did not even have to cash in any food-shtemplach at 60 cents on the dollar to get proof of coverage.

The Admou"r was getting ready for a real blast, and one way or the other, the insurance industry would be blasted to the point that only a bailout could rescue it.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Noch a por vetter fin nuch a naye sponsor


As we prepare for the return of the Admou"r, we welcome a new sponsor to the Creedmoor Chronicles/Der Shygetz/Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashvilke:

Beruriah's Burqa Covers

Named in honor of our brave leader, who is in tzioinish captivity for her dedication to tznius and her warm, close relationship with her children, our tinfoil Burqa Covers ensure the absolute highest level of tznius by deflecting rays of tima from tzionish satellites as well as from Mars and Jupiter!

You are never alone when you walk even the most holy streets of Monsey and Monroe, for space aliens are watching you and looking for ways to penetrate your iron-clad tzniusdike klader. That's why you need a burqa-deckel from Beruriah's Burqa Covers. Our tinfoil covers block the transmission and reception of all extraterrestrial rays, and prevent space aliens from penetrating your tzniusdike burqelach even if they're sending signals out of transmitters located light-years away from Mea Shrotzim and Ramat Beit Shimush Beis. (Residents of Monsey are advised to wear two covers or our special Double Strength Deckel to prevent the CIA and the Tripartite Commission, as well as any characters involved with the tzioinish Airmont Shil, from using their top-secret radio frequencies to not only compromise your tznius but also to extract your innermost thoughts and turn them into looshen horo.)

Our burqa decklach are made from 100% certified non-Zionist Malaysian, Indonesian or Saudi tinfoil. We have ultra-mehadrin Iranian and Afghan tinfoil available for custom-made covers upon request. We also have insulated decklach with aluminum foil facing and fiberglass stuffing so you can take advantage of the sun's rays to cure your half-baked condition. You can even place a kigel between your deckel and your birqa hood and cook it in a half hour while sitting outside, all the while knowing that you can safely spend a half an hour outside without worrying about space aliens penetrating your burqa.

The hyliger dayanim of the Arba Misois Beis Din/Machon leKrisois veMisois of Creedmoor have paskened that even a hyliger Pas Yisrooel who wears a tinfoil burqa of less than three layers of thickness must also wear a cover over her head.

All covers come in an attractive conical shape, so you can show the world you really are committed to tznius and to making sure that even extra-terrestrial enemies of our modest ways of life cannot disturb your dedication to the highest level of modesty.

We accept Jordanian dinars and Iranian toman in our Mea Shrotzim boutique on Rechov Moishe Hirsch in Batei Sikrikim, and Amerikanischer EBT and food stamp cards in our Ramat Beit Shimush Beis factory showroom. Our Monsey agent is Mrs. Cholere Machshefovitz, tel 845-SHI-KTSA.

If you purchase more than one burqa deckel before the end of the Islamic year, we will give you a free electronic male repellent device, which emits a bloodcurdling scream and a rotten egg scent as soon as any male of three years of age or older comes within your dalet amois. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Greatest Chanike Extravaganza: Prelude: The Magic Fuel from Iran


Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.

The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:

Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...

which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:

פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...

Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד

This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.

"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"

This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.

"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."

"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"

Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be  סקרוד  over quite royally.

After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.

Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.

He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi. 

However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of  סקרוד  nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.

The Admou"r Returns on Sunday for a Public Chanike Extravaganza


The Admou"r is so desperate for the funds he needs to create another few hundred quintillion personalities that he will awaken from his deep disability insurance-mandated sleep to host a Chanike Extravaganza, a public menorah lighting of a sort that will put the tzioinim at Chabad to shame........and that even Solomon Dwrek and Bernie Madoff will praise for the sheer scale of its depravity.

Yes, Creedmoor is back with a bang.......or is it a series of seismic the Admou"r prepares for his public menorah lighting in a venue that no one possibly dreamed the Admou"r ever owned, even if he did produce enough documents of sale that the insurance companies issued him a few thousand sheets of policies to cover its imminent and ultimate destruction at the hands of a rather artfully designed menorah that burns rocket fuel made specially for it by the chemists who are now busy preparing missile fuel for the launch of the Iranian nuclear research satellite program.

Star Wars meets Creedmoor on Sunday, as the Admou"r hatches a plan to celebrate the tzioinish holiday of Chanike in special style, especially because it coincides with nitel, a custom that he and his Chassidim are makpid on every day of the year.

Will the earth survive the Admou"r's stellar display of Chanike pyrotechnics? The question is - will Lloyd's of London survive the Admou"r's next ream of insurance claims without a bailout from the Saudi royal family, the Chinese development bank, and George Tzuris?