Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Der Admou"r is Recruiting Internet Trolls


1) Who is the biggest Jewish rosho in history?

a) Karl Marx

b) Burech Lebovitz

c) Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin

2) What is the greatest cause of kids going off the derech?

a) The temptations of the outside world

b) Molestation

c) Kids being forced to drink cholov yisroel and miss out on M and M's

3) What is the greatest threat to Yiddishkeit today?

a) Intermarriage

b) Modernity

c) Chabad, Aish, Ohr Somayach


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Creedmoorer to Speak at Simcha Hall Dedication


While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.

The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.

It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.

In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"

And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.

Creedmoor Forever - just not now!


Creedmoor will be back, most probably Chol Hamoed Sukkos.

The Admou"r is presently in a self induced coma in order to be able to claim further mental damage that exacerbates his acute multiple personality syndrome.

This will allow him to colonize most of the solar system and claim welfare from various space exploration bodies as well as double or triple his present figure of 150 quintillion welfare and disability recipients throughout the world.

For those who really wish to say the Admou"r's prakim (pay, tzaddik and 151-613) as a segula to help him create more personalities, his name for passages from the Koran and the Bagit Gitty is Dovid Azazel ben Pesha ve'Resha.

In the meantime, please do whatever you can to prolong this golus and contribute to the redemption of forged food stamps and triple coupons.

On behalf of the Admou"r meCreedmoor,

Sharia Dayan Imam Pandit Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (Yisroel Dovid Scheiss), Creedmoorer Masjid of Monsey

Koskesholislam Ismail Nour as-Sabih (Yisroel Meir Hirsch), Ras ul-Madrassa, Creedmoorer Madrassa Ohel Hagar of Al-Quds as-Sharif.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Controversial Chassidic Leader Claims Responsibility for Ahmadinejad Attack


Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the self proclaimed leader of the self recognized "Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Other Unfortunate Occurences of Creedmoor", otherwise known as K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, is no stranger to suspected insurance fraud.

This time, however, the money trail stretches all the way to Iran, where the self-ordained rabbi is implicated in the recent attempt on the lamentable life of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Schmoigerman, who is known for his anti-Zionist views just as much as he is known for his successful and unprosecutable acts of gross fraud and theft,

Sunday, August 01, 2010

World Court Expected to Decide Sdom Insurance Lawsuit in Admou"r's Favor


We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.

It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".

More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.