Saturday, August 20, 2005

New Creedmoor Coming Motzoei Shabbos - meanwhile here's something else to enjoy

The sordid history of a not too well respected kasher le'mehadrin product :):

Just why is the only, or at least the major, brand of Cholov Yisroel ice cream so substandard in terms of taste, texture and appearance? The answer will surprise everyone - it is not ice cream or cholov yisroel at all!First of all, a little background - Klein's is not a Jewish owned firm at all! The "Chassidim" who own Klein's are Gambiner Chassidim - followers of a certain Sicilian admou"r who landed on these shores sometime after World War 2 when he was probably rewarded with a Green Card in exchange for assisting Allied forces in re-establishing order after the defeat of Benny Mussolini.As is well known, the Gambiner Chassidim have extended their evil tentacles throughout dairy production and distribution in the New York area - and when real Polish, Hungarian and Ukrainian Chassidim arrived en masse after World War 2 and the Communist takeover of Hungary in 1956, they smelled an opportunity in providing these refugees with the food products that their standard of religious observance demanded.Therefore, an entrepreneur by the name of Vito Stronzone purchased an ice cream parlor on the Lower East Side al pi minhag chassidei Gambino - he simply walked in and explained to the Greek proprietor, Mr Themistocles (Tommy) Malakapoulous, that if a sale was not forthcoming, he would simply arrange for Mr Malakapoulous to be buried in a cement casket in an unknown and hard to locate spot in the depths of his beloved Aegean Sea. Mr Malakopoulous, himself an upstanding citizen who had amassed many apartment buildings in New York City through profits from various forms of gaming and other illicit entertainment that he laundered via his ice cream parlor, was only too willing to deal, and the next day, the ice cream parlor was relabeled "Klein's Kolov Isreal Ice Cream."Why Klein's, you may ask? Well, you see, like all Gambiners, Don Vito Stronzone was a real ba'al chessed. He hired 2 dwarves to run his new venture, and since his Jewish lawyer informed him that Klein means small in Yiddish, he even named it in their honour. And he was so honourable in the way he treated them - you see, all production was literally carried out underground so that the unwitting customers would not see the real contents of what they were ingesting. As the basement was rather shallow, and also needed to be used for storage of certain former business partners of Don Vito, only dwarves could fit into the production facilities. And the wages he paid them were also rather dwarfish - five counterfeit dollars a day, paid every third week, in arrears. Never mind the working conditions - I will spare our more squeamish readers the details of same.Now, as for the method of production. Every day, a shipment of brightly coloured sponges was delivered to the Klein's ice cream shop. In the dank, stinking basement, the two dwarves would heat the sponges, and puff up the resulting molten mixture with compressed air from a tire pump. A small amount of rancid milk was mixed in so that the certifying rabbi, a blind dupe who wore a clerical collar and was the rov of K'Hal Adas Our Lady of Palermo, could at least say it was a dairy product al pi halacha. It was then quickly transferred to the freezer, where it took on a texture similar to, well, frozen sponges. The Cholov Yisroel consumers of the time were only too happy to have any sort of frozen dessert for their KAH burgeoning families full of young children, and there was hardly any knowledge of American kosher symbols among them, so that the official looking seal of the certifying rabbi was acceptable to them at the time.Of course, given the Gambiner involvement in distribution and lack of tolerance for competitors, the products were muscled into the freezer cases of every little kosher grocery that cropped up on the Lower East Side and later in Williamsburgh and Boro Park. Nowadays, the dwarves are no longer employed there - the successors of Don Vito (who himself was discovered in a rather large freezer in the meat packing district one spring day, and who was actually mourned by many a frum Yid for his contribution to kosher food production) still hire dwarves, but these dwarves have a new job - sitting inside ATM machines and producing reams of three and seven dollar bills on order every time cards marked "Banco di Sicilia" are inserted into these machines, mostly located in social clubs in Bensonhurst and Ozone Park. Meanwhile, the parlor has been supplanted by a large factory located not far from the Gambiner kehilla in Bensonhurst, and the process has been automated so that larger quantities can be made to satisfy growing demand. Since the Gambiner tradition of not allowing competition, and insisting on very strict control of distribution so that kashrus is observed even during the trucking process, is still very much in effect, we are still eating frozen extruded cellulose, mixed in with a bit of milk, and disguised as ice cream.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Controversial Chassidic Group Opens New Rabbinical Court

Queens (BSP): The "Congregation of Meaningless Hatred of the Faithful of Creedmoor" is probably one of the most extreme and isolationist ultra-Orthodox communities in New York, if not in the entire world. Now, the controversial rabbi of this community, which is esconced in the pastoral fields of the abandoned sections of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, and which has recently been beset by a number of suspicious fires, has decided to set up a rabbinical court for the judgment and sentencing of capital cases via the Four Methods of Execution - stoning, burning, beheading and strangulation.

The new court will be called the "Arba Misois Beis Din d'Creedmoor" -"Four Methods of Execution Rabbinical Court of Creedmoor."

Grand Rabbi David Shmoigerman, known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has recently received a delivery consisting of boulders, lead, a smelting device, a number of swords, and over 1000 linear yards of strong rope. As the Creedmoor community is staunchly opposed to the existence of Israel, has little need for the existence of Judaism, and is indifferent to the existence of Jews per se, it insists on the importation of all religious articles from the Palestinian territories, Malaysia, Syria or Iran. Therefore, the lead and smelting device were imported from Iran, as were the swords, which are of a special sharp model used for beheading, as opposed to the standard model Iranian sword which is used for amputation of hands. The rope arrived from Malaysia, and the boulders are "certified for use in the glorious Intifadah" by the late Sheikh Ahmed Yassin of Hamas.

According to Ramzi ibn al-Kalb al-Majnouny, owner of Uncle Osama's Quick Destruction Supplies of Paterson, New Jersey, the freight forwarder and import agent who handles Creedmoor's rather large monthly shipments: "I only wish he would import bomb making material ya habibi alhamdullah kous uhtak al-Yahud, because then I could take wallak 10 per cent off the top and he'd never know - imagine what I could do with that!"

In the meantime, Grand Rabbi Shmoigerman has sent the following press release regarding his new rabbinical court:

"It is clear that we are so much better off as hyliger Creedmoorer Chassidim in golus rather than chas vesholom in the Zionist entity under the leadership of the worst of the Zionist leaders, the King Moshiach. But, we as ba'alay avyros - as sinners - long for the days when the Four Methods of Execution - in our dialect of Yiddish we pronounce them skiing, surfing, hanging and hurting - were meted out. Since there is no Sanhedrin, we have come to the realisation that we can carry out these punishments as we wish. Just let anyone enter these grounds to check on our eligibility for SSI, and he will be judged and sentenced to whichever 2 of the 4 methods are available on any given day of the week."

A noted rabbi whom we interviewed regarding this court stated unequivocally that it has no basis whatsoever in Jewish law, and that Rabbi David Schmoigerman has been excommunicated by most mainstream Jewish scholars and communities.

Rabbi Schmoigerman replied: "Let him say that to my face. We'll burn him, stone him, hang him and then cut off his sorry head." A psychiatrist listening to the conversation arrived on the scene with a large syringe, the contents of which he injected into the Grand Rabbi's arm. At that point, any further comments made by the Grand Rabbi were unintelligible........

The "Porkois Oyl" Seminary - Creedmoorer Seminary for Post High School Girls

Be'ezras hashish yisburech, we have had an unparalleled number of applications for our new yeshiva. We immediately realised that its graduates would need a source of appropriate shidduch material. Therefore, we are pleased to announce the opening of the new "Porkois Oyl Seminary - Rebbetzin Nafke Zaine Feketeszar Campus"

When Rebbetzin Nafke Zaine Feketeszar was stricken from the welfare, section 8, and SSI rolls last Thursday after a long and arduous investigation which not even the Admou"r could prevent, her husband asked what could be done in her virtual memory. The Admou"r came up with a quick answer - as always, he produced title deeds saying that the C-ward swimming pool and gym, which was abandoned at the beginning of this year, was registered to "K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirma d'Va'ad Chassidei Creedmoor ho'Olami," which meant that it could be used for "educational and worship purposes."

And this is the beginning of our dream. Our seminary has been founded in order to prepare girls from all communities, girls who exhibit characteristics that may make them unwelcome at other seminaries, but which we at Creedmoor value more than ever, for a life as the n'shei chayil of our Yeshiva graduates or even as the n'shei chayil of other Seminary girls and their teachers. B'nois Avyro welcomes girls who have been expelled from one or more seminaries for licentiousness, promiscuity, drug abuse, failure to attend, etc, as well as girls who are considered by their present communities as being of the geder known as "yenta," "yachne," or "cholerye."

Our classes will be conducted at our new campus, and we feature field trips to 42nd Street and various small women's prayer groups in Brooklyn for intensive instruction in that which will please a graduate or kollel yungermann from our yeshiva or Federal koillel.

In addition, the steady diet of starchy foods and chozzerfleisch sausages that we will feed to the girls will ensure that they live up to the nickname under which we want our Porkois Oyl girls to be known - namely, Porkers.

If your daughter fits into any of these categories, contact Rebbetzin Zeresh Moisershteyn via the Creedmoor Moisdois main switchboard at 1-888-MIS-HIGE.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Great 9 Av Celebration in Creedmoor

Of course, golus began with the burning of the beis hamikdash. Therefore, Creedmoor celebrated the beginnings of golus by burning yet another facility - the Admou'r's residence! Yes - the Admou"r, assisted by his able and trusty favourite entertainer and title agent Abishnormal Farschimeltbrot, transferred the entire Building A complex of D-ward from the State of New York to himself for the sum of one dollar and five WIC cards. Farschimeltbrot's connections in the corridors of power (mainly Sing Sing) meant that the transfer was recorded with lightning speed, and then the famous Hymie Ganvetberger - Hymie the Hymisher Fire Adjuster - of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor forged a NYS insurance broker's licence so as to be able to write a dozen or so "Creedmoor" policies - that is, policies which stipulate payment in the event of vandalism by a mentally ill person or persons. A month's payment was wired to each of the companies by means of a series of fraudulent credit card transactions - and the festivals could begin.

At 8.45 PM, certified Iraqi crude aged 10 years (The Admou"r's Special Reserve) was poured over the entire first floor of Building A. Then, the Admou"r recited Asher Yatzar and sang the Neturei Karta fight song, and Mendy Klynesmuk lit a match and threw it into the building. The smell of melting polystyrene padding was sickening, but nevertheless, joyous dances and singing of "Ashrynee, Ashrynee, Ashrynee, Sheonu Reshoim" continued throughout the night as cakes made from Creedmoor flour (plaster from Ramallah) were passed to all bystanders including psychiatrists and fire marshals.

Then, the Admou"r had a special yechidis with Hymie the Hymisher Fire Adjuster, Groinem Nishtgeferlachman the solvents dealer, Yankel Schnellgezel, the renowned expediter, and three fire marshals - 3 hours later he emerged from his office in Building B of D-ward with all necessary documents. A special nigun "Zai Gebensched NYFD" was composed by Reb Abishnormal Farschimeltbrodt and presented by Chozzer (Chazzan Roshe) Lipman Schmaltzherring, both of whom were eidim for the insurance documents.

The highlight of the ceremony came when the Admou"r asked Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar to read the Megillas 9 Av - that is to say, the insurance papers. All present danced and clapped their hands when the Haham got to the amounts of each policy - ten million dollars, twelve million dollars, fifteen million dollars, twenty million dollars...up to the total of ONE HUNDRED MILLION dollars!

While other press organs are calling this the fraud of the century, the Admou"r referred to it as "Inzerer Nitzochoin" - the victory of Creedmoorer Chassidim over the Zionist insurance companies.

For the time being, the Admou"r will be receiving guests in the third shower stall of the Kiryas Naye Creedmoor beis medrash, also known as the former Creedmoor occupational therapy or basket weaving center.

A New Creedmoorer Yeshiva

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is pleased to announce the opening of "Yeshivas Creedmoor for Ba'alay Avyros."

Here is an excerpt from the dedication of the Nishtazoygutnick Campus of the Yeshiva, which took place yesterday as part of the general Golus Day celebrations:

The Admou"r sheyirfa"sh (sheyihye lo refuah sheleima):

"We will attract all of the biggest problem cases from every yeshiva in the US, Canada, Europe and the Zionist entity - the ones who are not satisfied with achieving the status of naval birshus hatorah, but rather those who have the courage to commit the greatest avyros on a regular basis - gezel, genayve, gilui arayos - we will take only talmidim with the worst midos and encourage them to develop these midois for the benefit of the klal. After all, tzibur = tzaddikim, beinoinim vereshoim. Not everyone can be a tzaddik; most are beinoinim - but EVERYONE can be a rosho. And our reshoim, our talmidim, our koilel yingerleit, will show the way. We will fill the cells of Sing Sing, the exercise yards of Dannemora, the showers of Leavenworth, the golf courses of Lompoc, with our Creedmoorer yeshiva graduates; we will make sure that the tzibur is guaranteed a supply of reshoim for the next fifty generations, chas vesholom we should be redeemed from this great Golus before then!

No longer will Belz, or Lubavitch, or Ger, or Satmar, or Zichron someone or other yeshivo get the credit for the reshoei amecho. Instead, we Creedmoorer Chassidim will beam with pride when the headlines scream: "Creedmoorer yeshiva graduate is convicted of gross fraud." Even if our talmidim remain faithful to the wrong and misguided minhagim of their fathers, yes, even if they remain Zionists or Agidists, we will claim them as our own, for they have studied in the dalet amois hatuma d'Creedmoor, and the chatzrois of Thoraziniya. We, Creedmoor, were given the hyliger task of supplying the reshoim of the tzibur, and we will go forth with that task until we are one thousand per cent sure we have created enough of a chilul hashem to fully and completely prevent the arrival of Moshiach and the end of this Golus."

The great tzaddik Sholam Weiss, who is presently dedicating eight lifetimes and then some to tshuva, has endorsed our hyliger yeshiva by donating the contents of his secret bank account in Switzerland to our cause. However, his agent, Mohammed someone or other, has asked for an advance fee of 10000 (thurtee thowzend) dollars in order to transfer the account to us. We therefore ask all friends of Creedmoor, all who want to be sure that the tzibur remains a tzibbur by ensuring a supply of reshoim, to donate one or more SSI cheques to the Yeshiva Fund in order that we can pay this advance fee.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Creedmoor Returns Tomorrow Night

Look out for all-new Creedmoor posts tomorrow night Moscow time, beginning with a report of the 9 Av "Aschalta de'Golusa" celebrations and also including great news about the new Creedmoorer yeshiva.

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Last One For Now - see everyone on 11 Av :)

Recent - from

The Secret of the Petek (told by the Admou"r meCreedmoor and recorded verbatim by myself, Reb Getzel Pashkvilkemacher):

Young David was wandering aimlessly through Jerusalem as he had been wandering aimlessly through life - he had tried kibbutzim and many yeshivos as well, not finding a fit in either the secular or religious world. One day, he wandered into a study in a small hovel in Mea Shearim, where he encountered a black hatted, bearded rabbi in intimate conversation with a rather unpleasant looking man in a kaffiyeh and khakis.

David thought to himself: "Here is what I have been looking for all my life. The warmth, the true love, between Yaakov and Esav that had been so diluted by hatred. And I am fed up with Israel in any case - all I ever get to see is the Russian Compound, which is where they put me every time they catch me peeping into schoolyards.."

With elation, David entered the study and observed the holiness of the yechidus, nay, the yichud, between the two men, who would both have a great deal of influence upon him. They paused for a moment upon noticing dissheveled David, who was wearing nary but boxer shorts, two sizes too big.Both of the older men thought - here is the man who will continue our ideology into the next generation!

So, they stopped their intimacy, and the keffiyeh wearer left the room.The black hatted rabbi revealed himself in all his splendor to young David, and passed him a handwritten note. "Dovid'l, my son, you must always keep this note with you, between your boxer shorts and your waist - "vehoyu letotafois bein einecho!" "What does it say?" asked David, whose Hebrew was nonexistent at the time.Repeat after me, said the rabbi: "SHYEGETZ AROYS!"

This is the phrase upon which rests the foundations of our shared goals in this world - to be the shlichim of the Samach Mem, to always spread strife among Jews, to call for the destruction of innocent Yidden who do not agree with us. For here in Jerusalem as in so much of the world, there are those who preach ahavas Yisrael and constantly perform acts of chessed- and this is what will bring the Moshiach. Once he arrives, men like you, and me, and my friend who was just in here for yechidus - I mean yichud, will be no longer. But if we work together to spread sinos chinom, Moshiach will never come and we will flourish....

"The man in the keffiyeh was none other than the tzorer who passed away recently in a military hospital in France. The rabbi was Moshe Hirsch, Cheremer Rov and sonei Yisroel of our generation. And Dovid'l is none other than myself, Kvod Kodsho veYeabed Zichro, Admou"r meCreedmoor....

(The entire congregation rose in shock, to pass wind.)

A newer one from

The Va'ad ho'Ir of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor is pleased to announce the availability of one hundred new housing units in our thickly padded development. These cramped one bedroom dwellings are available at a subsidised monthly rental to those who agree to meet our criteria for dwelling in our hyliger kohol, as follows:

1) All residents must sign a ksav hispasrus to Kvoid Kedeishas Addledaynee, Moronaynee veRabidaynee of Creedmoor, and must agree to give 30% of all income as maymid to the Rebbe Zechusoi Yogain Olov.

2) All residents must adhere to Creedmoor standards of kashrus. Since we do not have the knowledge necessary to accept any edible food products, only styrofoam, cardboard and pork rinds may be served in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor homes.

3) All residents MUST obtain a Section 8 rent subsidy, which is turned over to the Va'ad Ho'Ir along with full rent. A 20% refund will be given on all section 8 payments within 6 months of receipt.

4) Our kohol is one of cooperation and volunteerism. To this end, we have several volunteer projects, all of which must be undertaken by all residents.

They include:

Mishmar Avonim - throwing of stones at cars which wish to enter our shtodt without permission.

Children are urged to participate in the Mishmar Shygetz Aroys, which warns passersby that they are not welcome in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor unless on official business or coming to be mevaker cholei nefashos the Admou"r.

Mishmeres Tzniis - making sure that all women and girls over the age of three are wearing burqas AT ALL TIMES when living in or even visiting our community.

G'mach Burqa - Our women are mandatorily encouraged to participate in sewing extra burqas for chassune guests, women who come to shop at stores run by our licenced jewelry and electronics fences, etc.

Va'ad Sreyfo - Assists our businessmen in setting places of business or merchandise ablaze; makes sure that the Wankapoo Fire Department issues reports as WE see fit, to the praise and glory of our Admou"r. ONLY approved solvents may be used for this purpose; the Gabboim of the Kohol are the ONLY source for "shemen mischas koidesh" a/k/a acetone and toluene produced under the strict hashgocho protis of the Arba Misos Beis Din d'Creedmoor Kashrus Division.

5) All children must be educated in the Creedmoor Sinos Chinom Yeshiva System or the Beis Izevel girls' school and seminary. Sending a child to learn in another community is grounds for expulsion from Kiryas Naye Creedmoor.

6) When a Bas Creedmoor reaches the age of 16, she must be presented to the Admou"r. If the Admou"r sees fit, he will bentsch the Bas Creedmoor and welcome her to yechidus, which in other kehillos is mistakenly defined as yichud.

7) All who daven in our shil shul must recite "Shygetz Aroys" seven times after each davening. Failure to do so more than once a month is grounds for malkos. Malkos more than 10 times in any given year is grounds for a kish in tuches. A kish in tuches more than twice in any given year is grounds for membership in the Beis Feygele remedial shiurim network.

8) Rabbi Groinem Shepsilshafter is the ONLY candidate for Mayor of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. Anyone attempting to run against him will be ejected from our kohol. He has the right to decide who will be running with him as the ONLY candidates for Va'ad Ho'ir/Village Council.

9) All Yiddish spoken must be pronounced in the manner of the strictest Kanoi communities, and davening in our 2 main shil shuls follows this pronunciation. is a good introduction to Creedmoor pronunciation; however we pronounce Hashem as HaShame because our goal is to be a bisha veklima lekoil hodoiros!Those who really want to daven like a pushtak ars shawarma vendor in the Tahana Hamerkazit may do so within the confines of the Frenkel DeLuxe Sefardi Synagogue, under the leadership of Haham Haldol Rahamim Loyashar and boasting a porcelain water cooled aron koidesh, donated by Dweck for Abidun Kiddie Shops and its owner, Jackie "Dreckface" Dweck.

10) Anyone who really wants to live in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor is AUTOMATICALLY eligible for SSI, because only someone who is zeyr shtark meshigge will be accepted into our kohol.

Rabbi Groinem Shepsilshafter, Mayor, Kiryas Naye Creedmoor

Yaisef Kesef Ganvetman, Member of Village Council

Dosan Toitboim, Member of Village Council

Benzaine Stagnantwater, President of the Board fin Gresser Gvirim fin Kiryas Naye Creedmoor

Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar, Haham Haldol of Creedmoor and Liaison for Government Entitlement Programs.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

2002 :Pesach in Creedmoor (Purim Sheini)

"All of clal yisroel who walk in the light of the flickering low wattage bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor are to drink four litres of wine to celebrate the four punishments of the Beis Din, which will be meted out to the evil Zionists at the time of redemption of my food stamps. I warn all of clal yisroel that Thorazine is an evil Zionist plot, and must be avoided. Only foods, including bread and ham, which are certified kasher lepurim sheini by the CRC (Creedmoor Rabbinical Council - not the Satmar or Chicago CRC) may be eaten during the feast. A special Haggadah written by Moshe Hirsch will be recited, of which an excerpt follows:

Go and learn what the evil Zionists did to our forefathers, for it is written; And on the day when my Thorazine ran out, I went down to the Kupat Holim and they refused to renew my prescription. So I screamed that Zionism is the root of all evil, and my voice was heard by Yasser Arafat, who elevated me to Minister of Jewish Affairs in his cabinet. And I bless my disciple the Admou"r meCreedmoor and all others who heed the voice of the tzorer hayehudim and all other voices that they may hear, and refuse to wear anything other than the shtreimel of tin foil as long as the evil Zionists continue to defile Uganda...."

Signed and sealed, Addledeinu Moroneinu veRabideinu Melech Hamasriach Shlita of Creedmoor, Erev Rov of Thorazina and the surrounding Risperidonian communities, and Av Beis Din d'Arba Misos Beis Din veMalkos. Zechuso yagen lo aleinu...

And another one from Usenet - Yom Ha'Atzmaut in Creedmoor

Drs Ranjit Singh and Prasad Patel were just plain out of luck. Dr Michael Weinberg, the Admour me'Creedmoor's private physician, is in Israel this week, as both he and his wife have strong ties to Israel, and visit the Jewish State every year at Yom Haatzmaut.

Therefore, when the Admou"r asked for permission to use the dayroom to "observe a Jewish day of mourning," the two natives of Calcutta who were entrusted with the care of the Admou"r gave their permission without even thinking twice. (Had Weinberg been there, he would have of course denied the Admou"r dayroom privileges for the entire week.) As you will see, they later regretted their decision.

Yom Haatzmaut at Kehillas Creedmoor began with the blowing of the shofar in memory of "the Jewish souls who were destroyed by the evil Zionists." A special baal tokea, Shmiel*, better known and classified as "Shlemiel," was brought in from Inzerheim, a residence for the developmentally disabled in Monroe, NY. (He is employed as a clown who cheers up the unfortunate patients in Inzerheim with his antics; even they ridicule him. They do not realize that it is only overcrowding and lack of funds that keep their favorite comedian out of Creedmoor.)

While Shmiel blew on his plastic shofar, Goldman read aloud the names of various Zionist leaders, and followed each one with the Yiddish words "Er is tiff, tiff in drerd" (He is deep, deep in hell). Warren Losey led the Creedmoorer Choir with a musical response, delivered rectally, after each "er is ..." A special verse was recited in honor of Golda Meir; "Di Tsionishe Zoinah shtippt mit Ben-Zoinan oichet in drerd..zeyre tiff tiff." After this verse, Losey disrobed and relieved himself on the floor, as did Elvis and Napoleon.

Then, all of the Chassidim joined their Admou"r in donning sackcloth and ashes. In this case, plastic garbage bags were used, and the ashes, prepared by Losey over the past month, were rather brown in color and had a very distinctive odor. All present placed the ashes on their heads, and cut holes in the top of the garbage bags so as to be able to wear them.

Maariv began with the recitation of the Yom Haatzmaut prayer "Kush Mayn Tuches." In this prayer, composed and recited by the Admou"r himself, the Chassidim dress up as Zionists of old (as if Zionists ever wore garbage bags), and at the recitation of the words "Un Alle Tsionisten Ken Kushen Mayn Tuches (after the names of the Israeli political parties)," they besiege their rebbe's posterior en masse! The Admou"r surprised his congregation by cancelling the rest of the Maariv service, saying that the mockery of Zionism is equal to the holiest of prayers!! He did, however, say the Kedusha (at Maariv when it is usually not said), in a rather unusual version. He described how the angels told Hashem.....Evil, Evil, Evil is Zionism...Zionism is the evil of all evils.

A seudas yom ra was held. As is done before Tisha Be'Av, eggs were dipped into ashes. Again, the ashes were exceptionally brown and foul smelling. Nevertheless, all present ate the eggs However, only Losey was willing to recite a special kiddush over Clorox so as to "bleach Klal Yisroel of the sins of Zionism." Then, the Admou"r ordered his Chassidim to throw their daily dose of medications in a basin, as "it is better to be insane and not to know of the holiday of the evil Zionists." He also gave a horrendous drash in which he used gematriya to connect Yom Haatzmaut with the birth of Hitler YM"S due to the unfortunate coincidence of the two dates this year. Needless to say, his drash made no sense whatsoever.

As the Admou"r closed his tish with Yerushalayim shel ha-Tachat and the "New Hatikvah," Dr Ranjit Singh arrived at the prayer service. Realizing that he had been deceived, and nearly keeling over from the odor that was worse than any open sewer back in Calcutta, he sorted out everyone's medications, and ensured that each Chassid took a proper dose. As for Goldman, he was once again denied dayroom privileges for a month. Unfortunately, the computer-illiterate physician was unable to figure out how to block the Admou"r's internet privileges, and his request for technical assistance was lost in the bureaucracy. Therefore, the show on SCI and SCJ goes on as usual......

*Shmiel was a short-lived Usenet troll who claimed to be a Satmarer. Most likely, this was Goldman playing with another account.

Another golden oldie:

Also circa spring 1999: this one is edited as the Usenet original contained incorrect information regarding the relationship between NK and another community.

In translating and transcribing Reb Moshe Dreckschreiber's article in Panim Shevuros and Yated Ne'elam, I came across his background notes, which explain just how the Admou"r meCreedmoor ended up in this exalted facility, and how he came to establish a chassidic court there. With permission from Dreckschreiber and his publisher, the Chofetz Chaim Shoulzon, I present the following:

Rav Moshe Hirsch of Mea Shearim, a Brooklyn-born fanatic anti-Zionist, was feeling very alone one day. After all, when one is put in cherem even by Neturei Karta, one is indeed very much alone in this world. Sure enough, a half-baked young baal tshuva by the name of David Goldman knocked on his door, carrying a dog-eared copy of Vayoiel Moshe, which was missing at least a third of the pages.

Goldman, a student at the Shavu Banos yeshiva and house of entertainment
in Mea Shearim, had been sent to Hirsch after having been the only Jew to ever acheive the honor of being expelled from the Breslover community. This community, which is known for its acceptance of all Jews and its oftentimes offbeat nature, just could not find a place for a bochur who insisted on praying from his own siddur, which contained nothing but the words "Zionism is Heresy," albeit with a four letter word in place of heresy. Goldman later produced another version, with a four letter word preceding the word Zionism. Hirsch finally had someone who could appreciate his views.

Hirsch invited Goldman to live with him and to study with him. However, as time passed, even Hirsch lost patience with his young protege. Goldman retained some vestiges of Breslover practice; to wit hisbodedus, or running through the forests, crying out to God. However, Goldman inevitably performed hisbodedus by running through Jaffa Road in the middle of the day, clad only in underwear which was 3 sizes too big for him, yelling "The Zionist Heresy is Coming to an End" in Hebrew, English, Yiddish and Pig Latin. Many a time his mentor would have to visit the police station, where he was persona non grata and whose authority he did not recognize, to bail Goldman out. Another of Goldman's favorite escapades was to write anti-Zionist graffiti on every wall of every public bathroom in Jerusalem - men's and women's rooms alike. When Goldman attempted to enter the donkey's cage in the Tisch Zoo in Yerushalayim, clad only in a condom and with a paintbrush in his hand, poised to write the words "Zionists are A**es" on its posterior after apparently attempting to repeatedly engage in giluy arayos with the poor creature, enough was enough. (Incidentally, Goldman explained that incident by saying that the donkey represented Zionism, and he wanted to "F--k Zionism").

Hirsch, who refused to have his protege hospitalized in a "Zionist" mental institution in Israel, such as Kfar Shaul or Be'er Yaakov, put him on a plane to the US. There, he met a cousin of Moshe Hirsch's, who drove him from Kennedy Airport right to Long Island. On the way, his driver told him he was going to a place where a rabbi was needed; a rabbi who would instruct and build his community in the ways of fanaticism as exemplified by the phrase "Shaygets Aroys."

Hirsch had informed the driver that Goldman was to take the title of Admou"r of his new community, as it would rhyme quite nicely with the name of the place: Creedmoor. (At that
time, the Thoraziner Rov, Yehuda Silver, was the non-Chassidic rabbinical leader of the Creedmoor community; he welcomed the arrival of
the Admou"r by pelting him with stuffing from the pads in his cell and putting on a sound and light show with the electrodes of the electroshock machine. For this, the Rov was denied dayroom privileges for 6 days, and could not meet the Admou"r until Shabbos, when he was too heavily sedated to remember a thing. He subsequently disappeared; his whereabouts are unknown.)

Soon enough, the new Admou"r attracted a following; not one, but three Moshe Rabbenus, two Moshiachs, four David ha-Melechs, a Shlomo or two, and Jewish and secular luminaries ranging from the Ramba"m to Einstein to Napoleon to Mussolini. He would attract them with his Creedmoorer nigunim, many of which he had written on the walls of Jerusalem rest rooms only months before. A favorite was "Yerushalayim shel ha-Tachat," which he would sing while accompanying himself with maracas made from half full bottles of Thorazine.
But no one would become more attached to the Admou"r than Warren Losey, about whom much has been said in the first article.

The Post that Started it All

(The original Admou"r meCreedmoor was a wannabe ba'al tshuva who trolled Usenet by posting out of context quotes from the Vayoiel Moishe and writings of other gedoilei Torah so as to prove that Zionism is the avi avos kol tuma. He even managed to twist the words of the Likutei Moharan to blast Zionism; never mind that Rabbi Nachman preceded the Zionist movement as we know it by many years. Israel Tekhelet (Warren Losey), who is mentioned here, is indeed a mental patient; he is a perennial Usenet troll who claims to be Moshiach. Indeed, Izzy, who is not Jewish but apparently would like to be, was sentenced to hospitalisation after trying to shoot Rabbi Shloime Twerski Z"L of Denver, who refused to convert Izzy as one cannot convert a shoiteh.)


Creedmoor! The name conjures up images of padded cells, rubber rooms, electroshock machines, psychotropic medications, and insane patients who are convinced that they are Napoleon or Elvis or King Tut.
Who would dream that this remote facility, nestled among the concrete subdivisions of Long Island is home to a flourishing Jewish community? Who would dream that in its most heavily guarded wing, in the pristine setting of a white padded cell, functions a Chassidic court that rivals that of Chelm? Well, Moshe Dreckschreiber of Panim Shevuros and Yated Neelam visited this great edifice and found just that - a Jewish community complete with its own Admou'r and Chassidim!
Room 209. A foreboding steel door, painted white, seals off the entrance to this room, designed for incurable patients. The whiteness and the soft padding are but a prelude to the kedusha inside. Herein dwells the Heiliger Erev Rov David Goldman Sheyirfa"sh (She yihiye lo refuah shelema), Kvod Ho'Admou"r me Creedmoor!!
The room is large and empty, except for a computer, with a connection to the Internet. A large metal pushka sits on the desk next to the computer. It is marked "For Fighting the Zionist Heresy via the Internet!" Alas, the pushka is filled - with medication discarded by the heiliger Admou"r. In the presence of a physician, Dreckschreiber examined the medication. It is Thorazine, the medication which gave Goldman the title of Thoraziner Rov. This rabbinical post had previously been held by a certain Yehuda Silver, who has since left Creedmoor. His whereabouts are unknown.
One sefer lies next to the Admou"r's bed. It is the Satmarer Rov's Vayoeil Moshe...missing about 3/4 of its pages. The doorbell rings, and the Admou"r's personal physician allows a visitor to enter. This is Goldman's most devoted chossid, Israel Tekhelet, whom Goldman calls Yisroel'ke Bloy.
Yisroel'ke and the Admou"r often argue about Zionism, for Yisroel'ke is a devout Zionist. This matters little, though, because Tekhelet is but one of the many personalities of a certain Warren Losey a/k/a Losey Wannamaker a/k/a JewMan5845 a/k/a Elohim 519. That is right - Elohim519. Losey, who need not worry about Zionism for he is not Jewish under any interpretation of the Law of Return (it was a pity that he was not born at Sears, whose very liberal Law of Return allows for the return of all defective merchandise no matter the reason), actually believes that he is not only the Moshiach, but God himself!!!! He is supported in his claim by none other than the heiliger Admou"r meCreedmoor, but for the fact that Ho Erev Rov Goldman cannot concede that God is a Zionist!
Losey has resided in Creedmoor on and off since the age of 12. He is now Creedmoor's senior research specimen, preserved so that the staff of Creedmoor can study incorrigible insanity. Losey's medication regimen consists of Thorazine, Compazine, Stelazine, and Porno Magazine; he takes only the last of these regularly. The amount of voltage produced by the Creedmoor electroshock equipment has done very little for Losey, and his therapies have been discontinued permanently. Losey spends much of his time in yechidus (which in this case most poskim would define as yichud) with the Admou"r. The Admou"r gives weekly divrei Torah on Radio Creedmoor, based on revelations which he has heard from Losey, and supplemented by his abridged version of Vayoel Moshe......

Friday, August 05, 2005

Urgent Appeal for the Rebuilding of the Creedmoorer Beis Medrash

Rochmonis cases bnei rochmonis cases! Last night, the fire that is our Admou"r sheyirfa"sh consumed his own hyliger Beis Medrash - Beis Medrash Sinos Chinom d'Creedmoor. While the premises were insured five times with five different companies, the proceeds of the policies are insufficient to rebuild the Beis Medrash according to our standards. The Admou"r always spoke of building a 100,000 square foot beis medrash made entirely of tin foil made by achynee B'nai Yishmoel and fully padded on the inside. It seemed as if we finally reached our goal, but Hymie the Hymisher Fire Adjuster needed to take a 50% commission in order to obtain the full proceeds of the policies for us. This leaves us with a mere 10,000,000 dollars to build our Beis Medrash!

I ask, what can you build for 10,800,000 dollars these days? We must immediately raise 10,000,000 more dollars to build the Worldwide Center for Delaying the Coming of the Moshiach, in its full glory according to the traditions of Creedmoor. The new Beis Medrash will feature walls of the purest tin foil, from factories in Ramallah, Khan Yunis, and Jeddah. Even the padding must be imported from Malaysia so that it is free of any chashash tumas Tziyoinis. Please be generous in supporting this unique institution of bitul Toyre, sinos chinom, loshon horo, verishis.

All contributions should be made to:

Creedmoorer Reconstruction Fund
c/o Rabbanit Myriam Abacha
Third Stand from the Right, Fourth Row
Lagos Central Meat Market
Lagos, Nigeria
or to account number 000012567756985 in Bank of Palestine, Ramallah, Palestinian Authority, Swift SUCK ERRR

Contributions may also be delivered to
Rabbi Jacob Ferdganver
Rosh Kollel
Leavenworth Federal Kollel
Leavenworth, Kentucky 56856.

In the merit of your generous contribution, may we never live to see the coming of Moshiach, and may we witness the rapid destruction of the Zionist entity and the building of a beis mikdash shekuloi tinfoil on top of the Petronas tower in Malaysia.

In the name of Addledaynee, Moronaynee veRabidaynee Dovid'l Schmoigerman Creedmoorer:

Rabbi Bilaam Dreckmacher, Head of Building Committee

Architect Naval Tzifallener, Chief Architect

Rabbi Shelumiel Shakrany, Financial Adviser

"The Most Brazen Act of Arson I Have Ever Seen!"

Controversial Rabbi Burns Down his Own Synagogue
by Isaac Weisbaer
Community Affairs Bureau Chief, BS Press

Last night at midnight, Rabbi David Shmoigerman, known to many as the "Admour meCreedmoor," called 911 to report a fire in his makeshift synagogue, located in D-ward, a group of abandoned buildings on the grounds of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Belle Harbor, Queens.

According to call transcripts, the call came in at 11.59 PM as follows:

Shmoigerman: "Tell me, s'iz nine-eleven? I just gebrent mayn shil!"

Operator: "This is emergency services. How may I help you?"

Shmoigerman: "Send please to me at D-ward in Creedmoor a fire marshal and two inspectors. I need please a report for mayn insurance, dat's Etna - A-E-T-N-A, in A-I-G, in oichet Allstet - A-L-L-S-T-A-T-E."

Operator: "Where is the fire located? We do not list any streets with the names you just gave us."

Shmoigerman: "In Creedmoor. The meshigge hoys"

Operator: "Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital? Are you a physician or health care worker?"

Shmoigerman: "Nayn: Ich bin fin D-ward a resident. D-ward towers - they zenen empty, behind the pond. I live dorten mit Klaynshmuk and Ferdganver they should live and be well!"

Operator: "We will handle this immediately"

Indeed, it was handled immediately. Medical teams from the official, operating wards of Creedmoor arrived in D-ward to investigate. The teams, led by Drs Ramesh Singh Budhu and Koo Sum Ak, knew the situation well. No sooner did they arrive than a call went out to the NYFD asking for a fire marshal to be dispatched to D-ward.

The marshal, James Benton, was shocked at what he saw: "The rabbi just thrusted a sheaf of insurance policies at me - one from Aetna, another from AIG, a third from Allstate, a fourth from Generali, and finally a fifth from Axa. He showed me that he was the beneficiary of all policies, and that they covered malicious arson by any person diagnosed as clinically insane. Of course, Shmoigerman is clinically insane - he lives in Creedmoor and walks around in garbage bags and tin foil. How could anyone write such a policy? This is the most brazen act of arson I have ever seen - the rabbi actually admitted that he burnt down the building to collect on his five policies. Never mind that he does not own a single one of the properties - but somehow he proved that he does. I had no choice but to fill out all the papers he asked for - he is covered because every single policy covers damage by mentally ill arsonists. Then he actually offered me 300 dollars and a box of cigars, and gave me a blessing that I should have children that convert and become his followers! This rabbi is something else - I have always had warm dealings with the Jewish people over in Kew Gardens Hills, but this rabbi is nothing like them! He has ten different names and fourteen different social security numbers - he's crazy like a fox. "

The Admou"r's long time psychiatrist, Dr Koo Sum Ak, commented: "Rabbi very nice man. He very crazy too. He take Thorazine go flush flush. He take Haldol go flush flush. He give me good cigar. He give me extra money when I need it. I certify he nutscase. He stays Creedmoor. We all happy."

Further investigation showed that Dr Ak received his medical diploma from the "Central Market Hall, Pyongyang, North Korea, Goat Division." He has been under Board of Health review for over 15 years, with no action whatsoever having been taken on his file.

Insurance experts expect that Rabbi Shmoigerman will indeed collect on his multiple policies, in full, but that he will not be able to obtain further coverage after the payout.