Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mysterious "Manganeser Rov" Makes Sudden Appearance at Sukkos Kappoores Shuk in Creedmoor


We have just received word that a great self proclaimed tzaddik, clearly chief among the eighty (pay) tzaddikim who are so exalted and extinguished that only they know of their own tzidkus, and who calls himself the "Manganeser Rov" (apparently because of his illicit dealings in Albanian manganese ore or perhaps because he touts manganese as an alternative either to lithium or tin foil hats for being able to maintain a diagnosis of criminal insanity) was seen dressed as a chicken with a lulav in his beak at yesterday's grand Creedmoorer Sukkos Kappoores Shuk. The chicken's feathers were painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, and it was accompanied by the Rov's gabbai, Shelimiel Gezelberger, who held up a sign stating that the proceeds of any of the sheva minim bnei Noiach that were purchased from "Khal Adas Manganese" would sponsor the next "Kishke Flotilla" to Gaza which is scheduled to leave from the former Domino Sugar docks in Williamsburgh on vov d'Chol Hamoied Sukkos.

As the kappoores shuk, which is mamash a kappooreh, a kappooreh, a kappooreh, continues throughout all the 12 days of Sukkos in Creedmoor or until the last insured sukkah has been summarily set alight and visited by Hymie the Hymishe Insurance Adjuster, we hope to have more about the Manganeser Rov during (tzioinish) Chol Hamoed.

Rumors that this spectacle was simply an advertisement for a 419 or Ponzi scheme involving manganese could not be confirmed, but when scams and Creedmoor are mentioned in the same sentence, such rumors certainly cannot be denied.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Creedmoor Will be Back Before Sukkos


Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".

He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.

In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.

Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.