Friday, July 21, 2006

The Creedmoor FAQ Is Here!

Frequently Asked Questions about Creedmoor (and a Guide to Creedmoor Personalities):

1) Who or what is the Admou"r meCreedmoor?

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is one of the three star talmidim of Moshe Hirsch sheyirfash (he should have a speedy recovery), Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Disarray. The other two are Hasan Nasrkaka and Mahmoud Ahmadijendeh. Known on Usenet as David Goldman (until his virtual death on Apr 27 2004), Dovid Schmoigerman practices an odd form of Chassidus that combines a takeoff on Breslov hisbodedus (walking around Queens wearing boxer shorts three sizes too big and yelling "Shygetz Aross" at the top of his lungs), Neturei Karta fanaticism (according to the Admou"r, the Chmelnitzki pogroms of 1648 were a direct result of the proclamation of the Jewish state in 1948), and a very liberal interpretation of "loi signoiv," in which theft from Zionists, including the American government, is considered a mitzvah rather than an aveira.

2) What is the Admou"r meCreedmoor's real position on the State of Israel?

The answer is very simple - he is milking the State for all it is worth. The Admou"r has purchased a number of defunct plants throughout Israel, and assumed their payrolls. Since these plants are defunct, he uses the names of the dismissed workers, changes a letter or two, adds a few dependents, and draws unemployment and national insurance benefits for each one. All but the most corrupt and suborned Israeli bureaucrats wonder how a nation of six or seven million souls can be paying benefits to three hundred million employees of a mysterious non profit headquartered in an independent republic that shares an address with a series of run-down and closed wings of a New York State psychiatric facility located in Queens.

3) When and how did the Admou"r become an Admou"r?

Apparently, he earned his smicha the hard way - by sending 1000 empty packages of Bloom's Chewing Gum to a Post Office Box in Monroe, New York. An unidentified prankster in Monroe waited until Purim to send "Grand Rabbi Dovid Shmoigerman Shlit"a" a blank certificate showing rabbinical ordination from a defunct Cholov Yisroel dairy plant in Szarkonoszvary, Hungary.

4) What are some of the major institutions in Creedmoor?

Former Use: Children's Therapeutic Pool Present Use: Mikveh
Former Use: Basket Weaving Room Present Use: Beis Medrash Govoha
Former Use: Broom Closet Present Use: Armory for Tznius Patrols
Former Use: Toilet Present Use: Aroin Koidesh
Former Use: Computer Room Present Use: Food Stamp Printing Press
Former Use: Padded Cell Present Use: Admou"r's Yichud Room
Former Use: Cafeteria Present Use: Mehadreck Mart
Former Use: Hot Water Tank Present Use: Kerosene Storage
Former Use: Gardens and Field Present Use: Jewish Children's Misois and Malkois Museum
Former Use: Chapel Present Use: Mosque for Visiting Dignitaries

5) What is the Admou"r's Real Psychiatric Diagnosis?

Kleptomaniac and sociopath. The only reason he is voluntarily committed to Creedmoor is that he cannot face charges of grand theft, fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, and impersonation of Sholam Weiss if judged insane. In addition, if judged sane, he could face penalties as severe as election to the US Senate. His recent declaration of "The Independent Republic of the Anti-Zionist Federation of Multiple Personalities of Creedmoor" was a final and successful attempt to avoid persecution. His registry of the Sckemegegi Indian Tribe was a final and successful attempt to keep US welfare subsidies flowing into his pockets.

6) How many Creedmoor Chassidim are there?

In reality? None. The Admou"r has no living Chassidim. Creedmoor psychiatrists and janitorial staff sometimes serve as willing or unwilling shills in the Admou"r's various schemes and scams. The only other physical resident of a Creedmoor community is the Admou"r's latest Rebbetzin, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall, who resides in a state of hallucinogenic semi-consciousness at the Creedmoor West Coast Alcatraz location.

7) How many Creedmoor Chassidim show on the annals of the Chassidus?

89638947984651695849846548947895489886945620 in Creedmoor, an additional 8645198475615654945648979495642189459894 in Alcatraz, a recently added 789465168470184981489717978154549847917798781819717891 in Guantanamo Bay, and three hundred million in the Zionist Entity.

8) That adds up to a number which is far greater than the population of the entire world.

So what? They are all getting welfare, section 8, and disability and many are listed as beneficiaries of property and life insurance policies. And since Creedmoor is devoted to the destruction of the State of Israel, the UN and EU recognize the population figures as justified and verified for the purposes of granting additional aid under their joint "Aid to Corrupt Entities Which Oppose The Existence of the Zionist Entity" (ACEWOTEZE) program.

More to come before Rosh Chodesh Av: Leading Virtual Personalities of Creedmoor (Updated)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Creedmoor Conquers Guantanamo Bay!

Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall considers herself fortunate indeed to have found a new employer who is just as committed as she is to diversity and social change, to say nothing of anti-globalization and anti-imperialism - namely the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. Of course the Admou"r was committed to certain facilities as well, but this hardly bothered Lilac Blossom, as she was ready to share in the voluntary and fictitious incarceration of her new spiritual high guru.

Like all good self appointed socially revolting activists, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall was actually born Jewish! Apparently, the family name in Europe had been Flomschafter, as the family business had something to do with sales of defective plums. So, her socially conscious and physically often unconscious (due to heavy use of LSD) mother had changed the surname to Prunepit, and McCall was simply the name of a fellow social revoltary who had possibly fathered Lilac Blossom's daughter, Peach Stone.

In fact, Miss "Most Pure Gift of the Holiest Earth Mother Peach Stone Cannabis Leaf Prunepit Blossoming Tulip Patchouli Sewer Garden Peyote McCall - Jamal - Nkogongko - X" was taken from her mother as an infant due to impossibly high levels of 2,4,D, a common garden herbicide, in her blood. When social workers and doctors alike interviewed her regarding the presence of what is commonly known as Weed-B-Gon in her bloodstream, she answered: "There was like a destructive imperialist paternal spiritual weed growing in my belly that threatened the purity and tenderness of my little baby who is a part of our pure and much loved Earth Mother, so I drank a cup of Weed-B-Gon along with my daily joint every morning!" Needless to say, such an answer was just what Social Services needed to confiscate little Peach Stone, who, in true InSane Francisco style, was placed with a family of illegal migrant workers from Rio Basura, Mexico, and was eventually deported to Mexico as her adoptive parents could not possibly convince the authorities as to the veracity of the highly unlikely story of the origins of their little girl, which could only be true in progressive, open-minded InSanE Francisco and nearby Most High Berkeley.

So, when the Admou"r took over Alcatraz, her former job as tour guide was upgraded to that of: "Rebbetzin, West Coast Division, Disjointed Association of Progressive Communities of Creedmoor."

And the new Rebbetzin was amazed by the cultural diversity of the members of her new community, especially as her constant use of peyote and lysergic acid diethylamide rendered her impervious to the fact that she and the Admou"r were the only physical inhabitants of Alcatraz Island.

"Look, Lilak Blossem, who I heve here! Mkabele, Hernandez, O'Reilly, Cohen, Longtree, Roundleg, Van Der Gutter, Stronzetti (you know, like Sekko end Ventzetti), Kovalski, Vegner, Schlokhendler, Vargas, Ferdganver...det's my fight against der Zionist Imperialist Regime fin Americhke!" Never mind that each surname was attached to eleven hundred different first names, and that these were duly submitted to every possible state and federal entitlement program - Lilac Blossom could not help but be impressed that an old fashioned rabbi, dressed in black garbage bags and a tin foil hat, led such an amazingly diverse community!

"End now ve're gonna go far der big time! We gonna konker to Guantenemo end get rid from the Zionist imperialist regime and get free health care end welfare far all der prizonners!" Of course in Creedmoor parlance, this simply meant hacking the computers at Gitmo, so as to obtain a new batch of surnames to place on applications for the three things on which Creedmoor stands - welfare (fraud), section 8 (fraud) and disability (fraud). But Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall could hardly hide her excitement:

"When do we start, holy Rabbi?" she asked. "First, I want you should sing det song about Guantanamo - you know, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just One Ton Mierda, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just one ton mierda..." "Oooh - that is so spiritual! Mierda is Spanish for organic fertilizer, you know, and that is the lifestream of Mother Earth..." "Yes, det's right - mit dreck you fertilize a Bush, oichet a Shrub!" "Ohhh...holy leader, lifeblood of my entire being, I thank you every day that I am alive.."

And of course the Admou"r was so thankful to his new Rebbetzin that he promptly signed both of her surnames up on his new randomizer program, so that welfare and similar cheques would now be issued to Latonya Spirochete Prunepit, Latrine McCall, Lilac Blossom Wercberger, Prunepit Fekete, and who knows what other permutations of the honored surname Prunepit-McCall and the floral honorific that preceded it.

"Now, I make to you levitate and you imagine det you is in Gitmo. I want you should keep singink One Ton Mierda": said the Admou'r as he hoisted Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom onto her own petard using a crane and winch stolen from the InSanE Francisco Parks Department. "Dis is a crane what I liberated from der imperialist Parkink Department, you know, so it is a thing of much holiness! When you up there, I want you should take your spetzialer meditzin, NOT der veed killer, but der psikedelikatessen blotter paper stuff, and keep sayink numbers!"

"Anything to get rid of the Zionist Imperialist Bushwhack Occupation Forces at Guantanamo, my holy leader"

"OK, up, up in der erd, I mean de air - you go. Now keep sayink numbers!"

A barrage of nonsense began to be heard from the now airborne Rebbetzin, while her husband and master clicked on some magic keys on his brand new Zionist Occupationalist Dell laptop, equipped with the latest in identity theft software from Russia and Nigeria.

"Ve did to it! Now I want you should come down and do a little typink so we finish der job!"

"But I am so disappointed! You know it is discrimination and not politically correct for a man to ask a woman to do typing!"

"Yes, I understend from dis. But I am not spellink too good and my hends is tiret. Wait, you know, I ken do dis:"

And the Admou"r hacked into the US DoD system at Guantanamo, adding Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall and eleven children as dependents of each prisoner incarcerated there, ten times over. Meanwhile, in Creedmoor East Coast, his latest loyal gabbai, Dr Wakshmad Tattimurthy, read each computer file, printed it out, and couriered it to his moles in various welfare offices.

The conquest of Guantanamo was complete, and not a single shot was fired. For her valor in this effort, Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall received 100 pounds of "Super Mehadrin Magic" dried mushrooms, under the strict supervision of the Chevras Narronim d'Creedmoor. And under her bed of straw and feathers was a whole yard of her favorite blotter paper, lovingly emblazoned, in calligraphic style, with the initials L-S-D.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Creedmoor Mourns Red Buttons

"Irving had a candy store business was so bad.
He asked his wife what to do and this is what she said.
Take a can of kerosene spill it on the floor.
Take a match give a scratch
NO MORE Candy Store !!"

Aaron Chwiat a/k/a Red Buttons, one of the many inspirations for Creedmoor. yehei zichro baruch.

The Admou"r is too busy with his planned Gitmo campaign to burn down a building or two in his memory.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Creedmoor Crackhead Special Forces Squads Invade Guantanamo Bay!

We have just been informed that Creedmoorer crackheaded special forces troops are attempting to invade and conquer Guantanamo Bay as they recently conquered Alcatraz.

It is well known that the Admou"r meCreedmoor believes that any attempt to sign convicts up for welfare and food stamps is a milchemes mitzvah which supersedes (the Zionist) Shabbos - however the earliest we will be able to update this blog is midnight motzoei shabbos EST.

Friday, July 07, 2006

New Address for Blog

While the old address will continue to work, we also have an easier to remember new address -

And watch out for a major update before 17 Tammuz - a full directory of major personalities and moisdois for both Creedmoor and "Adas Machloikes - K'hal Mishkav Zichroinois d'Alcatraz!"