Thursday, February 18, 2010

Please Comment: Should I Go Back to One Blog?


As you are probably aware, I am very erratic when it comes to updating Creedmoor. I am not a professional satirist, and because of the nature of this material I don't feel right monetizing this blog. Therefore, I do it in my (very) spare time and don't really have a plan or a system as to what I write or when.

Does anyone read the second blog (Toldois) or should I put the posts from there back up here and just write whatever I feel like writing whenever I have a chance, whether it is a new scam or a "yichus breef" (historical fiction and satire) post?

Please comment and let me know. You will be entered into a contest in which you can win four food stamps signed by the Admou"r himself and a coupon for "Porky Schmoiger's Kosher Pork Rinds" good at any shaitelmacher or shtreimel shop that accepts Czarist era EBT cards.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Finally: Ismail Daoud Weiss: Live and Uncut ( he an orel?)


Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Imam Weiss.

IDW: The title please is Ayatollah. I was elevated to Ayatollah last year when I was in Iran. I used some of my IranAir mileage points but it was worth it.

Did you get smicha the same way?

IDW: Nisht azoy. I got it as a gift one year, mit a shuluch munis package.

What? You got smicha in a shuluch munis package? That explains your great scholarship and wise hashkofos!

IDW: Yes. Someone sent by me a package, a basket from kokosh cake, wine, a few screws, a can from corn, and a letter that say I have smicha from Yeshivas Timtum haLyve d'Bohack.

Bohack? This must have been ages ago! Bohack is out of business for decades now!

Sure. I get this smicha, I am 14 years old geven. Ahmadinejad, Haniyeh, Moishe Beck, Friedman der koifer before he went off fin der derech, they are all recognizing it?

Recognizing it for what? A Purim prank?

No!! The only smicha given by Yeshiva Waldbaum iz yodin yodin! I bring it the next day to myne yeshive, write on the certificate yodin yodin and I am gettink three rabbis to sign it. You are thinking someone else's smicha is any different? Really I did lern a shtickel in a madrassa near Atlantic Evenue last year..

What did you learn?

I learn where is Gaza and det it isn't a part fin Iran, it's a part fin Palestine, that is once occupied by the tzioinim.

So why did you choose now to go?

You know, it is such a pity. We just wasn't getting no news. Friedman, der rooshe, he left us behind, den instead the biggest menivel becomes some frenk, some real shtick Dwek, and den comes Tropper der Litvak. We are always wantink to be ahead when it is coming to getting our names in der nayes far beink outrageous..

And what did you think of Gaza?

Such a nice place, such tzniusdige beaches, all the women so covered up, such a place for me and my four chavyrim to hang out. We make Shabbos by the beach hotel but the rebbetzins dey cook far inz.

So whose cholent did you eat?

Rebbetzin Haniye 1 and Rebbetzin Haniye 2, Gnendel and Byle, I am meanink Amal which is the Hamaser Rov's older wife and cousin and whatever is de name from the other one, it is so hard to remember, they is jealous one from the other and they contest with each other to make the best cholent de way myne 2 froien Gnendel and Byle do. So one is making with the sheep meat, and the other mit de goat, both they is schected by Ahron who is not seeink straight no more which is meaning it is far away from Tzioinis and derfar der beste shechita. I am liking much better Amal's cholent but the other wife she has on a nicer veil.

You have two wives?

No, I am meanink my wife and myne tochter who is still at home. For me a wife, a tochter, der zelber zach, they must to stay veiled, and to cook and clean and to make me even food I am wanting at drye a zyger so I can have myne telephone-chavrusa mitten myne chavrusa in Iran when it is there late mornink and he is gettink up.

Who is your chavrusa?

A great doctor, he is responsible far all the Sharia emputations, you know, cuttink off der hentelach fin der tzioinim ganovim dorten. I think what he is feedink the hentelach to der lybe in der zoo but maybe we eat det in the Persian cholent is servink us inzerer hosts too.

And what about the Iranian cholent? Was it Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad's cholent?

Well, you are knowink det until he do tshive to get attention again, Mahmoudele's second wife iz geven Moishe Aryeh, I mean Moussa Assad oder affn Farsish Moussa Aslan Freakman but he is not knowink how to cook so we are havink cholent from his wife Azam, which is not so good, full from beans and dat is no good because we are lettink off too much hot air and is not fill from it enough. Really it is tastink bed and maybe is really gemacht mit der hentelach dat is choppink off fin the ganovim. Probably is making det recipe Freakman and Azam is not knowink no better how to feed Ingarisher hymisher guests and she use it she not knowink what iz in her fridge, I mean her ice box, because she not read too good.

Actually Moussa Assad, he insulted so much Azam, Azam Farahi s'iz Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, she just farshtayt nisht det he such how you say, a flyweight, he kent eat no more den drye spoonfuls fin chulent. So efter det she is also findink out he is havink affair mit her husband, and you know, all Gehennim is breakink loose, so Moussa'le, so Friedman, det shygetz, det idyot, he is becomink a tzioini all because he is engry from Azam. So sexadige dis Azam, mit her bedsheet even to cover der aygeloch, so I am understendink why Moussa so disappointed, but tzi geven a tzioini, det mean he go to Gehennim all fin der life, all over a love-trienkle!

And what about kiddush?

..You are wantink to know who is making kiddish and mit vus? Mahmoud, he let Ahron make far allemen, but Ismail, he is motzi us all mit a gless benzine. He say det he verkink on a new kind fin benzine det hiz hyliger suicide bombers ken trinkn and den dey setz demselves off. I say I am wantink to try dis for myne side business arsonizink old varehoizen in Sprink Velley but he say no, you blow yourself up too mit dis.

Thank you Ayatollah Ismail Daoud; I think we have heard enough from you for a while. See you after your next visit to Terroristan and we'll give you all the attention you deserve once again.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Admour meCreedmoor: My padded incoherent republic is a nuclear state


Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.

Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.

While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.

Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.

This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.

The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.

Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Please check out our Toldois blog for important news


Indeed, the Admou'r meCreedmoor is descended from a profiteer who restored the glory of the destroyed Sdom and Amorah as best he could, from a little restaurant and inn which was located in the salty no-go zone that developed after Churban Sdom (which is mourned by Creedmoorer Chassidim in a special set of kinois that are recited on 5 Iyar along with the kinois for Yom Ha'Atzmaois.

We will be back with the latest Creedmoorer news as soon as we locate the Admou"r who is either buried in the air conditioned platinum vault of his deluxe kever or flying high with his Alcatraz Rebbetzin somewhere between Pluto and Jupiter as he files several death reports so as to claim "peyger'n gelt" also known as death benefits and term life insurance payoffs.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction


Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.

The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.

All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.

The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.

Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.

We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.

We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.

This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.

We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.