Monday, December 31, 2012

Moshe Aryeh Friedman's First Day of Seminary


Bnois Soro d'Antverpen really was nothing more than a finishing school, a place where the most traditional of the Chassidic girls of Antwerpen enrolled while waiting for a shidduch. Rare was the girl who even bothered finishing the entire year's curriculum, and many were the lechaims and vorts to which its beloved principal, Rebbetzin Soro Goldman, was invited.

The school was not named for its principal, but it might as well have been, as the two were inseparable. Rebbetzin Goldman knew or remembered every girl who ever set foot in her seminary, going back over forty years to when she took over as principal after a career of teaching girls that began in a D.P. camp in Germany.

She most certainly did not remember having a Masha Esther Friedman who was supposed to enroll in the middle of the "academic" year, and she was shocked to see this name penciled into her list of students, and in an odd handwriting at that. She did not even have to ask her assistant or any of her teachers if they had altered the roster, as she was an expert at recognizing handwriting, and this scribbled name was completely alien to her in appearance.

Suddenly, a man with a squeaky voice piped up in broken Flemish: "Mrs. Goldman, I want to enroll in your seminary." She replied: Reb Yid, today is not Peerim, so unless you are here to enroll your daughter,  I can't help you. She then turned around, only to quickly recognize the very scourge of frime Antwerpen, the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman, dressed in a shpitzel and housecoat.

"Rabbi Friedman, I know who you are. I would welcome your daughter and give her another chance in life, so I don't know why you disguised yourself to see me. You could have sent your wife, or come as you are. I don't turn anyone away."

This was very true. She certainly never turned anyone away for inability to pay tuition, and while the school was for the most haimish of the haimish, she was not averse to accepting girls from broken homes, Russian and Israeli immigrant girls, or others who did not fit her school's mold. However, the principal was not prepared for what came next:

"No, I am wanting to enter your school, and the law says that I can. So, where is the first morning class held today?"

"Rabbi Friedman, this is a private school. The only place I can keep you is in the janitor's bathroom downstairs, if you need to rest for a few minutes."

"Thank you! Tell me, the janitor he has maybe a wrench, a pliers, whatever? I open the pipes, flood your school, you get a new campus!"

Meanwhile, Tamar Moshashvili was approaching the office. Tamar was one of those girls whom the Rebbetzin accepted out of sympathy. Her father was in prison for robbing jewelry stores, and her mother begged with the principal to accept her and teach her to live a better life.

She screamed in disgust: "FRIEDMAN! The little rat who went to Iran? My father's friends know all about you, what are you doing here?"

"Tamar, calm down! How do you recognize him anyway, I asked you not to talk about TV and video and newspapers here, and I know you don't daven at K'hal Chassidim, so you never saw him there!"

"Mrs. Goldman, everyone knows Friedman. He's a scum sewer rat and the sun off the beach. Do you need help from my uncle to take care of him? I'll call him right now!"

She pulled out her smartphone, which had resided in the window of a local electronics store until a week ago, when her brother disabled the store alarm, removed the phone and a few lesser model smartphones from their abode after breaking the display with a hammer, and gave it to her as a birthday gift.

"Tamar, that phone is NOT ALLOWED here! Please, I want to give you a chance, but we have rules here."

Before Tamar, who stood a good head taller than Moshe Aryeh Friedman, knew it, Friedman was trying in vain to pull the phone out of her hands.

"See," the diminutive man said, "I can be a good tznius patrol officer for your hylige school!"

"Rabbi Friedman, you are lucky Tamar doesn't take out a knife and cut you like an apple for my Shabbos kigel, and this time she'd be right!" Let me take you to the janitor's room, so you can cool down before you leave here. The wrenches and pliers are locked up...and she whispered to should be too!" "Tamar, you can leave that phone here. I don't know what it is or how to use it, but my daughter Rochele's husband Yankel Feldstein from the electronics store near the train station can teach me."

Tamar shivered with fright upon realizing that her principal knew where her brother had obtained the phone, and Friedman was about to shiver with cold as he was wearing nothing but a flimsy house coat as he was escorted to the frigid basement of the building by Rebbetzin Goldman.
To be continued tomorrow, the first day of the new year of welfare distribution.

Fweeky Fweedy is back - and so is Creedmoor



Moshe Aryeh (Fweeky Fweedy) Friedman, the pesky, minuscule crawling insect who put the -twerp in Antwerp, is back in the news. He styles himself the Rosa Parks of the frimme velt, having successfully used civil courts to force a girls' school in Antwerp to register his sons. Rumors that he himself has donned a sheitel so he could enter seminary are now being investigated. (At present, we only know that the Bnois Sooreh Laundry and Cooking Academy reports the mysterious appearance of an extra student named Masha Friedman in its student records, with tuition fully paid.)

When Friedman is back, so is Creedmoor. We hope to have an entirely fictional interview with the one and only Fweeky Fweedy, as well as news from the Admou"r's luxurious new underground kever and residence, tomorrow.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Creedmoor Recovery Plan


Well, thanks to partial Creedmoorism, that is to say, voting so you can get as much as you can from Fetter Shmeel, the United States will soon be a Creedmoorish, food-stamps nation. However, only real, unadulterated Creedmoorism, the part that includes burning down buildings for fun and profit, will restore America to its former glory.

The plan is very simple: Elect the Admou"r meCreedmoor to the Presidency in 2016. He will have enough deceased voters to cover all 57 states in any case.

He will then:

Evacuate every single unnecessary Federal building in the United States.

Insure said buildings for $25,000 per square foot, along with the entire US wild polar bear population for $10,000,000 per pound of weight, with several foreign insurers such as Generali, AXA and Allianz.

Use contained methods to safely set every last evacuated building alight, along with any aging Federally supported infrastructure and any vacant Federally mortgaged homes. Remove all polar bears from oil-rich lands and sell them under the table to zoos and nature parks.

Use the energy generated from the fires to provide as much power as possible without dependence on foreign energy. Start drilling for oil immediately as soon as the last polar bear is gone and the last check for the last Nanook comes in.

Successfully claim enough money in insurance payments to balance the US budget.

Get tenders from the few remaining American engineering and building firms that will hire American workers off the welfare rolls as well as drones on the Federal payroll and those whose jobs depended on Federal grants. If that means someone with a Ph.D. in Gender Studies or Self-Gratification Engineering digging ditches, so be it.

Allow investors, including those now in Otisville only because they tried to outsmart Fetter Shmeel or did not pay prohibitive taxes, as well as only those foreign investors who are not connected to Islam and are willing to move to the US and create businesses in the US, to acquire former Federal lands for $1 per acre, provided that whatever they develop there will contribute to the local and national economy.

Reduce the Federal personal income tax rate to 15% and the corporate tax rate to 5%.

Print food stamps only to pay the salaries of a cadre of about a million drones who hold down public-sector make-work jobs (including Congressmen and Senators) and for the terminally lazy, so it will be a shame to go on food stamps once again. Those food stamps will be good only at a chain of deep discount stores called Dome of the Schlock, which will be filled with cheap imported goods that last only from paycheck to paycheck, and owned by the Admou'r as a concession to his national service.

In one year after his election, America will be a great power again. Otherwise, the whole country will be shopping with food stamps over at Dome of the Schlock, except that the chain will probably have a Chinese name or be part of an Indian conglomerate.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It's Time to Say Goodbye


Yes, I know I have threatened to close Creedmoor many, many times in the past.

But this is it. It's over after a long enough run.

I am out of time and out of material. As you can see, I have not posted anything new in a while or finished off themes that I started back around Chanukah. I just can't keep up anymore; I've moved on as we all must at some point.

I cannot in good faith monetize this as it is not exactly something I want to share with too wide an audience. Every time I spend time writing here, I am taking valuable time away from work that does provide me with an income.

All of that would be fine if I still could come up with good new material that I enjoy writing. However, this is just no longer where it's at for me. I've lost my spark; there are no buildings left to ignite and the crimes that are being exposed in our world these days are just not funny - there is just no way anyone normal can laugh at abuse and molestation.

It's hard to say goodbye on Rosh Chodesh Adar of all days, but I am afraid Creedmoor has run its course. I was working on a Hebrew version with a different theme and cultural background, but that takes me twice as much time as this, and I don't have that kind of time.

I would like to release a Creedmoor audio album in time for Purim 5773. If I do cut an album I will do it professionally in a studio and make it available as a free or very low-priced download.

So, farewell and a freilichen Peerim. I do not think I will take the blog down; my real name does not appear on it so it does not affect SEO for anything else I may have planned online.

-Getzel Paskudnej-Pashkvilkemacher and the crew at Der Shygetz.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Admou'r gets CO for 240 Quintillion Souls in a 2400 sq. ft. basement



The Admou"r's construction company, Creedmoor Demolitions and Insurance Adjustment, has finally finished construction on the Ramat Beis Tznius complex outside Ramallah.

He has received a Certificate of Occupancy from the Palestinian Disarray and the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, allowing for the resettlement of 240 quintillion (240,000,000,000,000,000) people, 120 quintillion male and 120 quintillion female, in a 240 square meter (2400 square foot) basement space that is fully divided in the center by a steel mechitza with a barbed wire coating.

This can only mean one thing. The Admou"r and corrupt "Palestinian" officials are about to perpetrate gross fraud against the UNHCR, which is  of course a gross fraud perpetrated by the Arabs against the world.

More to come soon.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Update: The Admou"r is Still Underground


The Admou"r is still inspecting the underground women's passageways of his new "Ramat Beis Tznius" development in suburban Ramallah to make sure that the standard of tznius is indeed bullet-proof.

Since the Admou"r loves doing everything underground, we expect him back up after Shabbos so we can finally update our Chanike and Ramat Beis Tznius news.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Update: Ramas Beis Tznius


The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!

Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides  for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!

More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Creedmoor Smicha Certificates Confiscated from Dollar Stores


"He no good Joo. No good Joo. Take all my Joo paper away!"

So cried Lim Bok Choy, an illegal alien from Fukien province in China who runs "Dreck for a Dollar," a dollar store in Kew Gardens Hills, Queens.

"No good rabbi say paper no good. He say you have to learn many year for that and I can't sell it. Other rabbi very nice man very big wearing orange vest he sign and tell me to sell even three for a dollar!"

The papers in question are rabbinical ordination certificates signed by the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. He has been supplying them to several dollar stores in Jewish areas throughout the tri-state area, limiting their distribution to non-Jewish and non-English speaking store owners.

This morning, volunteers from a shadowy organization called "Association for the Protection of the Integrity of Our Neighborhoods," confiscated several reams of these worthless certificates from stores throughout Brooklyn and Queens.

A spokesman for the association stated: "You can get certificates like this for yourself, your son, or your son-in-law by donating major money to a real yeshiva. We do not want the value of our certificates to be cheapened by these clear fakes that are issued by an impostor who has no connection to any known community or rabbinical organization."

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Update: Admou"r is AWOL but will be back soon


We believe that the Admou"r flew from the Brooklyn Bridge to Ramat Beit Shimush this evening in order to encourage his fellow self-appointed kanoim and to open his new ultra-kanoi, 1000% gender-segregated development "Biouv Patuach" tomorrow morning.

We will have the full account of the 12th Light of Chanike extravaganza this week, as well as a special audio from my colleague, Shmeel Paskudney, on how to be a real kanoi...................