Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Creedmoor Puts Neturei Karta in Cherem

From now to eternity it should be known det der Neturei Karta, led by der reshoim Scheiss, drecque, Friedbrain, end kompany iz in zeyr a gresser chyrem! We of der K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Gezel veMirma Kiddush Club are alveyz very kareful to burn der Tzioini fleg only in kerosene soaked verehouses - dis way we are making big gelt every time ve iz burnink der fleg. Deze narronim iz burnink dem outside on der street end making fin demselves stoopid foolz.

Derfar, we put into CHYREM all of der members (24 1/2 at last count) from the so kallt Neturei Karta and we wish to dem dat dey do tshuve by burnink bildings instead from flegs. Dis is meanink dat we will no longer buy from der Ladies Auxiliary fin Neturei Karta no more hand sewn Zionist flegs; in fekt we make dem now fin paper imported fin Malayzia so dey burn faster.In addition, ve have kanseled our order of misspellt protest posters from dem and now we make our own sayink "Burnink Hevily Insured Bildinks iz a Mitzveh and Helps to End der Zionest Imperialist State!"

(Original is signed by no fewer than 89561564985913519685169965494951 multiple personalities, every single one of them recently registered for the British dole as well as for American welfare and yes, Zionist Bituah Leumi!)

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Der Admou"r is Wishink to All A Dreckisher Zionist New Year

"It is from me to take dis opportunity to wish all who is darkened by der Tzioinis and is still usink der Tzioini kelender a truly dreckish Tzioini new year. A shnas skila, sreyfo, hereg, chenek, malkos, kareis, knas, chyrem, nidui far all Tzioinim. Dis is not from us inzerer New Year - dis year we is selebratink Chinese - but still I am wishink to all from our Chassidim a yohr filt mit welfare, Section 8, disability, insurance payouts, SSI, Medikaid in alle gitte zachen!"

-Der Admou'r meCreedmoor.

Creedmoor will return after Tzom Gedaliah with full information on the Admou"r's exploits on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Meet Benzine Gross, Resident of Otisville Federal Kollel

This morning I visited Otisville Federal Kollel, a/k/a Glatt Kosher Club Fed. To read more, click on this link: http://www.frumspace.com/forums/index.php?s=&showtopic=3322&view=findpost&p=56646

Monday, September 11, 2006

Der Admou"r Offers Asylum to Bucky Phillips

Press Release: Creedmoor News Agency:

"Azoy vi ich bin der Rov fin der gresser asylum in shtodt New York, ich vil gibn asylum tzi der Amerikanisher hero Bucky Phillips! Bucky Phillips iz a soldat in der milchome aggenst der Zionishtisher government fin New York Stete in oichet fin Americhke.

This vay I ken gostrite far him a book af English in oichet af Hymish far'n der Artskroll crowd, end make a millyen dollers fin Barns end Noble un ten toizent food shtemps fin der Judaike stores in Brooklyn vus is sellink Inglish Judaike books det arent ritten half ez good from mine!"

Psychiatrist Budhu Gheekabob, who translated the press release from Hymish to Hindi, explained that occasionally der Admou"r really does take some medication so that he can continue to maintain his insane status. He confirmed that said medication is known as Everclear and is strong both in taste and in effect. He also confirmed that it is illegal in New York State, but that many of der Admou"r's multiple personalities reside in New Jersey, and they purchase it for him. He neither confirmed nor denied rumors that der Admou"r in turn resells it as Kois shel Shecht'em Oon A Brooche for 50 - 700 dollars a cup.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Shvache Meats was NEVER under Creedmoor certification

A rumor has been going around the underbelly of the Web stating that Shvache Meats of Monsey was actually a front for a Creedmoor moisad and was under Creedmoorer certification. This is fully incorrect.

Creedmoor certifies only pork loin, ostrich, and gefilte fish fried in lard. We would not go so low as to sell Zionist chicken as kosher. We are proud of doing everything we can to promote gezel vemirma, and we do so openly!

We in fact proclaim that Shvache Meats of Monsey, NY was and is a Zionist organization, and that its owner is thereby subject to the punishments befitting those who support the Zionist entity. He has a place waiting for him in the Ahavas Ne'arim boys choir of Creedmoor if one or more of the many people whom he cheated and gravely inconvenienced decide to render him able to sing with a very high pitched voice.

In other words, this meat mess is an example of what happens when the practices satirized in this blog get out of hand and affect the community as a whole. While everyone is tempted, and occasionally good people make bad decisions that may be illegal, there is a limit to what we can accept. When our communities tolerate dishonesty and chilul Hashem, this dishonesty comes back to haunt us both bein odom lemakoim and bein odom lachaveiroi.