Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Return of Freeky Freedy


This time, it is not MAF, or any other member of the Ku Klutz Kartel, who has been bestowed with the moniker Freeky Freedy. In fact, this Freeky Freedy is not even haimish, not by a longshot.

Instead, our latest Creedmoor born and bred stain on the Friedman surname is actually a multiple personality of the Admou"r who spews his anti-Israel tomfoolery on the editorial pages of a major newspaper - and that paper has no idea it is paying its renowned Putzwhancker Prize winning commentator's salary right to Creedmoor.

The story begins when the Admou"r meCreedmoor realized he had to get his message of destruction of the Zionist entity and promotion of entitlement programs out to a wider audience.

One summer day, a follower happened to bring him a phony pre-war Hungarian welfare card in the name of Friedmann Tamasz. The card was issued in 1911 to a disabled veteran by that name who had fought with the troops of Attila the Hun, and with a birthdate somewhere around 396 CE it followed that the good soldier Friedmann was approximately a millenium and a half old at the time the card was issued back around the end of the 19th century EOS (Era of Shkootzim).

Such a card was perfect for the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and he immediately signed ancient and fictitious Tamasz bacsi up for a few rounds of welfare, Medicare, Medicaid and retroactive aid from the Hungarian government.

At the same time, the Admou"r's one somewhat intelligent follower, a college student who had fallen under the spell of much Arab propaganda, had brought a ream of anti-Israel articles and papers to his Admou"r for a brooche.

The Admou"r seized the papers, and asked the student for the address of the New York Times. Once he found the address, he duly submitted a few of the papers under the name "Tamasz Friedmann," with a note that he, Dovid Schmoigerman, was Friedmann's literary agent.

Of course, the NYT, which prints any sort of anti-Israel claptrap, was very pleased. And little by little, the Admou"r sent the rest of the papers. He kept the flow going by asking his talmid and Chossid to write a new one every week, claiming it would be printed in the English language edition of Der Shygetz, knowing that his student would never know that such a derisive name is given to the New York Times by many a Creedmoorer Chossid who confuses it with this very august online publication that you are now reading.

Tamasz Friedmann's name was anglicized to Tom Friedman, and all the rest is history.

And all of the cheques being sent to "Tamasz Friedmann" are being cashed by..."Schmoigerman Literary Consultants" every week, to this very day.

(NB: The gentleman whose photograph appears in the NYT under the name "Tom Friedman" is actually illegal Mexican alien Pedro "Mustache Pete" Pendejez, a now deceased dealer in marijuana from Tijuana).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Va'ani zois berisi oisam...the Admou"r is confirmed insane for another year


The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.

But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.

He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.

Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.

And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:

"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."

Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.

And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.

Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."

Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.

And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:

"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"

And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"

So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

The Admou"r's Abode


We will be back on Sunday when we will present the life and times of the Manganeser Rov, the mysterious guest who actually hails back to the Manganeser Chassidishe hoif of Szarkonosvary, with the name given because of the family's attempt to pass off worthless rock from the outcrop that isolates Szarkonosvary from civliization as valuable manganese which was necessary in what was then the fledgling Hungarian dry cell industry. We will also bring you the results of the Admou'r's yearly mental exam, during which he enshrined himself in Creedmoor for another year by....administering the Talmudic death penalty of sreyfa (immolation by means of molten lead)to....a life sized rubber duckie!

For now, here is a link to the Admou"r's Creedmoor, real pictures of the abandoned sections of the old hospital where only phantom welfare personalities could possibly reside.