Monday, August 29, 2011

Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene

BS"D Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene. Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes. Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims. The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend. We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.

Monday, August 15, 2011

A pohr vetter fin nuch a sponser...


We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!

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A shtramel made from a schvantz that doesn't come up to the kind of schvantz who will make you rich when word spreads of your special brooches.

A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.

Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.

A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.

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Thursday, August 04, 2011

More News Briefs


We have just learned the following:

1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.

2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.

Giant update coming after 9 Av.