Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Yahrtzeit Is Tomorrow!


The 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is tomorrow, April 1, 2009.

The date commemorates the day on which the committment order was signed for David Schmoigerman, stating that he was to be confined to the Creedmoor Psychiatric Institution in perpetuity.

As for the year, the Admou"r considers 1948 to have been "der yohr ven der Yiddishe folk hot gepeygert" (the year the Jewish people "croaked") as it was of course the year in which the Zionist entity was founded.

Also, while the Admou"r was committed in 1995, he needed to backdate several deeds to 1948 in order to claim ownership of the D-ward abandoned buildings in which he resides and where his Chassidus is headquartered.

Therefore, tomorrow, April 1 (78676 Av 3, 5708) is celebrated as the 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r, as the day Creedmoorer Chassidus was revealed is most certainly a yahrtzeit for the rest of Klal Yisroel.

And of course, der Admou"r has much planned for tomorrow; a report will be posted no later than Friday of this week (which will be the last Creedmoor post until after Pesach).

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing!


The Admou"r's Latest Directive:

Mivtza Sreyfo: Kashering Homes, Offices, and Warehouses for Pesach by Burning Away the Tuma of Tzioinis!

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing! As we prepare to make sure that we are not redeemed this Pesach, we must increase in our zealotry regarding Pesach cleaning and burn down not only our own homes but also those of our neighbors!

The tuma of Zionism is affecting not only your hyliger selves but also the selves and the inner essences of your neighbors, whether they are hymish, modernish, tzioinish, frei or shkootzish. But you, who follow in the way of the only real truth, must be the one who profits from ridding the world of the horrible tuma of tzioinis by burning down the house which is affected just as homes affected with tzoraas bayis were burned down in the times of the first golus in Sinai.

Remember that it is ossur for you to tolerate tuma in your midst, regardless of whether the tomai property is yours or not. For it is said "Bishvili Nivra HaOilam". Bishvili means not only for me, but for my path, meaning that it is upon you to show everyone by force that only your path is correct. And bishvili is also the ikar of the surname of the official printer of cash and insurance policies and food-shtempelach, which is Hakolbishvili.

This year, Haham Mashiach Hakolbishvili will be appointed the special gabbai for the "Mivtza Not One Home May be Left Standing." He will distribute a maximum of three barrels of guaranteed Saudi crude, completely unrefined as per the drachim of Creedmoor, to each family which undertakes to burn down at least a block of housing on each side of its own dwelling in time to celebrate the Festival of the Egel HaZahav on 12334 Av 5708.

He will also consult with each volunteer to determine how to best insure the homes on each block in question to the benefit of the burner (10% share of proceeds), himself (135% share of proceeds) and the Admou"r's hyliger moisdos (678% share of proceeds). A Creedmoor psychiatrist will be on hand to make sure each participant is diagnosed as a pyromaniac and therefore not subject to anything except recognition of his tendencies as a legitimate form of multicultural creative expression.

The Admou"r says: "All that is left to ensure that we remain in golus for ten more generations is to burn down as much of the world as possible. And whoever burns more, may he be praised, may his block be razed, and may his korban egel hazahav be braised!"

They're reading Creedmoor in Ponivezh!!


Yes, we have a reader from Ponivezh.....

Panevezys, Panevezio Apskritis arrived on "Creedmoorer Chassidus

Panevezys in Lithuania is the original Ponivetch :)....shame on anyone who thought that the Ponivezh Yeshiva lets their talmidim go online and read Creedmoor.....

Newsflash: Phantom Chassidic School Scores Tops on Standardized Tests


(Bubbamaases Press Service)

The "Pesha veResha" and "Schmoigerwoman Beis Yachne" school systems, which belong to a controversial self appointed Chassidic rabbi whose congregation is registered to abandoned buildings on the campus of a noted psychiatric institution, have placed first in New York State and countrywide standardized tests.

What is especially noteworthy is that the school does not teach secular subjects such as mathematics and civics, and even more striking is that the school boasts thirty two quintillion students.

But our reporters discovered the usual host of irregularities that seem to accompany this self appointed Grand Rabbi, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, in all of his dealings with State and Federal agencies.

For instance, we noticed that questions on the "Stenderd Test far Achivement" included:

1) What is the greatest accomplishment of the Great Society of Lyndon Baines Johnson:

Answer: By him it became for us easy to get welfare and food-stemps.

2) What is the leading cause of serious injury among teenagers?

Answer: It is when a girl is going out badly dress or a boy is playing with daughters of the Rebbe or the Rosh Yeshiva and our Modesty Squad is beating them in a pulp.

3) What were the causes of the Spanish Inquisition?

The hitherto peaceful and tolerant Muslim rulers of Spain decided to expel the Zionists from their midst after Herzl's Altneuland came out in Spanish.

Needless to say, only correct answers were submitted and every "Schmoigerstudent" scored a perfect 100% on all tests ostensibly taken.

Apparently, this is part of an attempt by Rabbi Schmoigerman to obtain government funding for his most probably nonexistent school network by taking advantage of the new American spirit of multiculturalism in order to define his own standards. 

Rabbi Schmoigerman, in his usual obvious and blatant style, has found and exploited a loophole in the law which allowed him or his employees to write their own standardized tests and to evaluate them accordingly. Terabytes upon terabytes of computer data, containing perfect answers to standardized tests by students whose names represent every ethnic group known to man, have been sent to the education authorities of all 50 states as well as to the US Department of Education.

And Grand Rabbi Schmoigerman, protected as he is by his status of permanent insanity and the recognition of his independent community by Iran, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, The Islands of Microcephalus, and the EU, admits all - and remains free and unprosecuted.

Rabbi Schmoigerman: "Listen, I look and I say, why not I have yet tried get fundink from Department fin Education? I gets fin all the other departments and meantimes I is havink in my school system a kvintillion of hyliger neshummes (souls) fin alle chugim, chassidish, litvish, sfardish, misnagdish, yeshivish, rebbish, katolisch, protestantish, hinduish, paganish end all der anderer..i mean, look in what else school sistem you iz findink a talmid named Rajesh Werczberger oder Bylie Worthington? Even myne Rebbetzin in Elketraz what has helped me write up der Englisch far'n dese tests is name Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall - Schmoigervomen because we iz multiculturel end diversified - yes we is diversified now fraudink every single possible source fin income..."

It is expected that under the No Child Will Be Smacked in the Left Side of his or her Behind program, the Schmoigerstudents will indeed qualify for financial aid thanks to these standardized test questions and answers.

However, with the Obama administration busy printing money for its planned bailout, there may not be enough ink and paper available to print the additonal currency needed for the Schmoigerman programs.

Therefore, Rabbi Schmoigerman has submitted his students' test results to the EU, and, thanks to the answer to 3) above, to Saudi Arabia's Department of Finance of World Islamic Terrorism in the hope that his gender segregated schools, which require Islamic dress for girls and Islamic morals for boys, will be considered madrassas and subsidized accordingly.

A Creedmoorer is Born after a Near Death Experience


Shmuel Goldstein, now registered with the welfare as Shmeel Gold, Samuel Goldstein, Sammy Goldman, Sammy Golder, Sammy Gonzalez and yes, Samir Ghanekar among other names, relates the amazing story of how he became a Creedmoorer Chossid after a near death experience:

Until that fateful day, I was a typical Flatbush schnook. I have an accounting degree and was working for a mortgage company, doing my job, going to shiur every day, learning Daf Yomi, and leading a quiet, respectable life in all ways. And I was happy, but that was only because until I became a Creedmoorer I did not know that the essence of life and happiness is gezel, mirma and doing everything I can do to make sure we stay in this wonderful Golus that has so many benefits, Federal, State and municipal.

Shabbos Zochor. My friend Yankel sponsored a huge kiddush. I made kiddush with regular wine and had a regular lechaim, and then I began eating the kishke.

I didn't know that Yankel, whom I thought got rich in real estate and investments, was actually a secret Creedmoorer. If I knew that I would have asked him about Creedmoor long ago because I was getting bored and tired of my plain, unexciting life and knew there had to be more out there.

But Yankel gave me a special piece of Creedmoorer kishke, which is left outside for two weeks to ferment before it is thrown into the cholent. The fermented kishke was too much for me, and I passed out.

Someone who didn't know any better called Hatzoloh, and while they were wasting their time reviving me from what was really just a deep sleep, I started to see visions.

First, I saw Gan Eden. What a boring place! It was like Flatbush and my boring shtible. Everyone was sitting quietly and learning gemoro getting ready to come back to Earth with Moshiach. Mealtimes were orderly and the food was good but not great; nothing like this great kishke I had just eaten.

Then I saw Gehennom. Now, that was my style! It reminded me of any good kiddush or simcha here; everyone talking loshon horo, trading investment tips instead of learning even though the sforim were open, and lots of interesting people hanging around.

Right there and then I knew I was just a schnook and a sucker for working and living what the shkootzim in my old shul called an ehrlicher life.

And after that, the fun started. I saw visions of my uncle olov hasholom, he was a multimillionaire even though he did two four year terms for tax evasion and insurance scams. He told me: "Me they called everything I did a chilul Hashem, but what a life I had! Everything! My Rivky had a new shaitel every week and she still has plenty that I left her and my kids married into the best families! You? What do you have? Your kids will marry the same kind as you are; square, just spinning your wheels, getting no respect, barely getting an aliya every year when I sat in mizrach even in prison shul!" He disappeared, and I was transported back in time to the sad days after World War 1, where only one man had any money in my town...

He was my zaide, Feivel Zanvil, a Chelmisher Chossid who everyone called Der Oisvorf because he ran all kinds of black market deals with schoire that no one else could get in those lean times.  And he told me in tzebruchener Aynglish that he learned in Gehennom: "Look from me! Kyner hed gelt in dose days. Oisvorf they call to me? But when they needed money, the schleppers, to who did they cry? To me, der Oisvorf! And oy I gib dem gelt tzi 100% interest, 150% ribbis, put on the line der houses. A gemach I should give them, the loserlach? Dey geven der oisvorfen in ich bin geven a gresser gvir! Zay nisht kyne sucker!"

Finally, I saw my daughter's wedding. She's a good girl and pretty too, but because I have no yichus and not much money I was worried for her that I couldn't find her a guy who would sit all day and play with his PDA in kollel while she worked and still managed to buy expensive clothing and shoes..

And at that wedding, the mesader kiddushin came to me and said: "Gib a kik, Shmeel, mach a signature on all dese forms and dis chassine is paid for. Your mechitin wouldn't want it no other way..."

He was wearing a garbage bag and a tin foil shtreimel and of course I knew who it was - der hyliger Admou"r meCreedmoor!

So when the Hatzoloh ambulance took me to Maimonides, I told the doctors I wanted to be transferred to Creedmoor after Shabbos because I knew this was a psychological reaction and my doctor was affiliated there.

What I didn't know was that borich Hashish the Admou"r had a couple of Chassidim among the Indian and Russian doctors and staff at Maimo. As soon as I mentioned Creedmoor, the nurse said that I would need evaluation by Dr Hirsch Lybe Patel.

As soon as I heard that I knew full well it was a code because I had a chavrisa in kollel whose name was Hirsch Lybe Patel according to his EBT card and I knew he was in touch with the Creedmoorer because otherwise he'd never qualify for food stamps.

Dr Patel turned out to be a real, live Indian with the letters EBT written in certifiably fake Hindi script on his forehead. His pockets were bulging with cash and cards...

He told me: "Goldstein, you crazy man, good crazy man. We get you out of here into Dr Schmoigerman's service in Creedmoor tonight. For now rest and after your Shabbat I take your information so Schmoigerman begin to help you. He great doctor and also very special rabbi. You are having new diagnosis, personalities up your side and out the other. Schmoigerman see you tonight and start your registering, I am meaning your treatment, as soon as he can..."

And that night, I got to Creedmoor and began a new life. Never mind that no official welfare or section 8 office is open Saturday nights; the Admou"r gave me seven brand new EBT cards and had me sign up every one of my new names for Section 8, SSI and welfare. He even welcomed me specially by registering a half a dozen unfinished condo towers in Florida to each name - and he showed me how to take out an insurance policy on each one while he passed on the names of the most bent fire adjusters in all of Florida.

On Monday, I was ready for release with an outpatient diagnosis that let me visit the Admou"r whenever he was in D-ward.

Today I am facing 50 counts of welfare fraud....and I pleaded guilty...................on someone else's name that I got from the Admou'r's collection of death certificates. My trial was already canceled on the basis of insanity AND being deceased.

And my daughter Sara Chaya is engaged to the son of a major Rosh Yeshiva; I've already set her up with the welfare and section 8 so she can support him while he learns in the Kollel for Advanced White Collar Offenders! The chassune will be in a new hall that we built using Section 8 money; it is as if we are renting it as apartments for each guest with the Section 8 vouchers on assumed names and then after the chassune we'll get evicted for nonpayment so we get emergency welfare for ALL 1000 guests who were kicked out! Three weeks later we'll burn it down and buy Sara Chaya and her husband a big house on Ocean Parkway that we'll burn down again in a year so we can build it even bigger!

Life iz zer git! S'iz shyne a Creedmoorer tzi zyne!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

SICK STUFF: The Creedmoorer Tznius Play - The Short Life and Even Shorter Limbs of Shprintzy Landau


(Warning: This is sick, sick stuff and not for the faint of heart. However, as this is Creedmoor, any comments complaining about it will be mercilessly pilloried).

Yachnes and Choleryes Auxiliary of K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and Byse Pritza High School Senior Class Third Repeat Present:

The Short Life and Even Shorter Limbs of Shprintzy Landau.

45667 Av 5708/Ramadan 768, 1401
Atlantic Avenue Islamic Center
Sheikh Ahmed Yassin Memorial Hall
Brooklyn, New York, Zionist Occupied States of Americhke
Tickets: 45 - 950 food stamps. Sponsored seats 2000, 5000, and 10000 Section 8 Vouchers.

Izevel Schmendrickberger as Shprintzy
Vashti Krechtzhandler as The Principal

Shprintzy is a rather rebellious, yet popular, 10th grade student in a well known "hymish" girls' school. Not one to conform with tznius rules, she is known for wearing short sleeves and short skirts at simchas as well as for making her uniform skirt hem so high that she has been sent home on several occasions.

One day, she is stricken with a horrible infection that causes her to lose her arms and legs, so that, as her well respected principal announces to the class: "Mydlach, for once I want you should know that your friend Shprintzy is dressed tznius."

The girls, knowing full well what happened to Shprintzy, not only are scared into keeping tznius forever but also shun poor Shprintzy, and her parents disown her because she is bad for shidduchim.

Shprintzy, ever the rebel, returns to school anyway in a sleeveless vest and the most absurdly short skirt imaginable. The infection returns, causing her six months of agony on a respirator until she dies, unmourned, and is buried in a very remote part of her community's cemetery.

Here is the hit song that will appear on a special disk for women only:

Music: The Locomotion which of course is kashered and uplifted by any Creedmoorer lyrics written to it!

Words specially written for the play by the Admou"r himself who will appear at the end to inspect all clothing worn by guests and will give brochos and aytzis accordingly!

Shprintzy Landau's doing a brand new dance now
Come on Shprintzy, do the Amputation
You see where it leads your tznius violation?
Come on Shprintzy, do the Amputation
Your sleeves and your skirt at last they fit
Because your limbs are down to the last little bit
So come on, come on, do the Amputation with me!

And who can fail to be moved straight to the exit when she hears Shprintzy's lament, set to original music by the one and only Mrs Vilda-Chaye Menivelman:

Short but sweet, short but sweet
I have no hands, I have no feet

Where are my friends?
I have seen not one!
Why is it 
That they all have gone?
Gone like my limbs
Where once I had four
I now have none

Short but sweet, short but sweet
I have no hands, I have no feet

I thought it would be so neat
To wear clothing that is short but sweet
But now I have no hands, no arms and no feet
I cry in sadness, I cry in defeat

Short but sweet, short but sweet
I have no hands, I have no feet

This play has been presented in many girls' schools throughout Iran and Afghanistan and has truly had wondrous results:

"My Farida was letting her burqa slip time and time again in madrassa and she distracting boys who were concentrating on their terrorism and hatred studies. Her brother, my only son, my Omar Abdulla Mohammed, the pride of my life, who became a shahid when he tried to throw himself under a car in Kabul because my cousin the livery cab driver in Brooklyn taught him how to fake accidents, wanted to throw hot acid on Farida to teach her a lesson. I say no, no, we go to this Jewish play and we see even Jewish people get punished by Allah for sloppy dress. She change fast when she see scenes of Shprintzy in intensive care no arm no legs just stump and chest like failed suicide bomber." (Jamilla Talibani, Ferdabad, Afghanistan).

"I make this play now every year in Farsi for my 11th grade class where average student is 34 year old. Ayatollah Khomeini very very proud he look on from heaven and see me doing play even though it from infidel Jews especial because we really use chain saw and take limbs off girl we find in street not dress right." (Shahnaz Mohammadi, Principal, Khomeini High School for the Remediation of Repeat Violations of the Proper Islamic Dress and Moral Code, Shiraz, Iran).

"Dis iz zer a git play azoy vi when the mydlach see it dey is think the play is so sick joke det tznius also must be funny and iz wantink to come to myne varehouse end buy der short stuff which is wearink Shprintzy. Even I am sponserink it in myne own tochterl's a school in Monsey end in der semitery far teachers oichet azoy vi I ken sell myne summer stuff far de shikslach and de modernishe oichet far inzerer in mitten vinter! 

I sell now to Byse Yakov, Byse Fygie, Byse Rivke, Byse Frime, Byse Kisse mydlach 10 time as many short skirt and short sleeve as I do tzurik. Tenk you Rebbetzin Schmoigerman and Mrs. Minevelman far dis great play!" (Solomon Feketeszar, Fekete's Super Mehadrin Girls and Ladies' Fashion and School Uniformlach, Monsey)


I promise no more sick stuff like this..............or do I?????

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes - Part 1 - the 10 Sfiros


With the Kabbalah craze in full swing, how can the Admou"r meCreedmoor not get in on the action? The answer is - of course he is in on the action - with his famous program "The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes".

And it begins with his very novel definition of the 10 Sfiros, or, as he translates them, noxious emissions:

The Head Sfira:

Makas Bechoiros. Makas Bechoiros is akin to the head, as it controls all of the other 9 sfiros. It is particularly praiseworthy to let the sfira of Makas Bechoirois lead you into finding the proper way to handle your money - the reference is to either hitting first or getting hit first which in turn means being among the original investors in a Ponzi scheme.

Sfira #2:

Skila. Skila represents violent and destructive emotions. These should be channeled not into investment decisions but into the fight against tzioinis, chessed and ehrlichkeit that is the essence of a Creedmoorer Chossid.

Sfira #3

Sreyfa. Sreyfa represents burning, and the significance of burning to one who follows in the distortions and darkness of Chassidus Creedmoor should be well known already. One who looks to the sfira of Sreyfa to make investment decisions tends to put down deposits and insurance premiums on vacant buildings.

Sfira #4

Onan. Onan represents non productive wasting of resources. The sfira of Onan is extremely negative and should never be taken into account when dealing with resources belonging to anyone other than the government or the Zionist entity. However, welfare records going back to the time of the avois show that the Schmoigerman rebbeim are registered as descendants of Onan so that even this sfira can be elevated by wasting resources that are not your own anyway.

Sfira #5

Izevel. Izevel represents the folly of allowing one's wife to lead him. This means that whatever profits which result from an illegal transaction will be spent on jewelry, plastic surgery, shoes and other useless items whereas the investor who follows the sfira of Izevel will be soundly blamed when his illegal scams go wrong even though plenty of money is hidden in his Izevel's name.

Sfira #6

Mitzrayim. Mitzrayim represents meitzorim, and this in turn means either honest work or a prison sentence. The Admou"r explains that while he is indeed a second son who would have been left behind in Mitzrayim, today's golus is golus Edom and it is praiseworthy to be left behind as otherwise one would be a tzioini who worships the tryfe state. Therefore, Mitzrayim representing scams that are either so easy to detect that prison is to be expected, as well as honest work, is to be avoided.

Sfira #7

Gezel. Gezel is the most admirable sfira according to Kabbalas Malkos Creedmoor. This is because gezel represents the transfer of gashmius from those who are affected with the klipas of civilization and hard work to those who resist same. Gezel investments are those in which all benefit except the mark, but the mark is nisht fin inzerer so it hardly matters. And if the mark is the government of any democracy except Iran, then harei ze meshubuch.

Sfira #8

Mirma. Mirma is deceit and this is the basis for the positive sfiras of gezel and makas bechoirois. The Admou"r somehow connects makas bechoirois to the deceit of Lovon giving his older daughter Leah to Yaakov before Rochel the younger daughter, and since like Lovon HaArami the Admou"r "bikesh laakor et hakol" meaning in this case to destroy not only tzioinis but the whole world economy through his welfare scams and printing of bad money, he is a great admirer of Lovon.

Sfira #9

Pritzus. Without pritzus, the rock on which Chassidus Creedmoor stands, namely the Mishmeres haTznius could not exist. As far as investments are concerned, the Admour speaks of "poiretz geder", meaning that all investment scams must break through the boundaries of even plausible scams. The Admou"r no longer sets up a scam unless it will net him over three quintillion counterfeit Euros in profit, and these Euro must be in odd numbered two digit denominations so that no one mistakes them for Tzioini or otherwise legal Euros.

Sfira #10

Prikus Oyl. This is another key sfira in Chassidus Creedmoor, for the Admou"r connects the word prikus to the word pork (which the Admou"r accepts as kosher so long as the pigs were schechted by welfare recipients and/or using stolen circular saws, and are sold in packages that are at least 35% shortweight). And pork comes from the chozzer. an animal associated with greed and overstuffing. It is also an animal which has kosher feet but is of course not kosher - the epitome of the chitzoinius (externality or superficiality) to which the fanatic Creedmoorer is enjoined to strive. And finally, it represents pork barrel politics, which allows special interest groups, such as multiple welfare recipients who operate their own welfare printing houses, to obtain all sorts of benefits and exemptions from prosecution on the basis of their mental patient status. In short, the Admou"r instructs his Chassidim to be the ultimate porkers in every sense of the world - and a prikus oyl investment is one where there are no restrictions whatsoever to the greed of all participants.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Emergency Kashrus Psak and New Calendar System from Der Admou"r


"It is totally, utterly and very strictly forbidden to walk in the ways of the goyim and the Tzioinim in any way, shape or form!  Work and honest business dealings are considered chukas hagoyim al pi tabaat the extinguished and unsalted writings of my hyliger ancestors and all other gedoilim who cling to the walls of the kisse hakavoid and can be removed only through heavy scrubbing and brushing.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim that any food product, even those which are certified 'naki mekoil chashas timas haTzioinis' such as the Saudi Arabian petroleum kishke and Malaysian rubber cholent potatoes sold under our affiliated brand name Maachal Ben Drusoy, is considered tryfe and nevyle when purchased for cash earned according to legal means as defined by the justice system and society of the Tzioinim or the Tzioinish and Tumadige Republic of Americhke or its Canadian satellite. 

As of today 5539 Av 5708*/641 Ramadan 1329, even our chain of Bais Chaval tourist centers which welcome tourists in the manner of Sdoim of old are instructed not to serve any food for Tuesday Shabbos dinners and Thursday cholent lunches if this food must be obtained with cash which is earned through any means other than scamming, and we once again remind the shluchim of Beis Chaval that they must uphold the standards of Creedmoor in every way no matter how far they are located from Byse Chayosynee and what planetary system governs the jurisdiction in which they are located.

I instruct those who walk in the remaining half watt of Chassidis Creedmor ve'shaar marin bishin to eat only that which is known to have been purchased with fraudulent welfare benefits, even if it means foregoing those Creedmoorer products which are available in remote communities where one risks confiscation of forged welfare benefits and similar instruments of trade which are among those accepted under this edict, and those who are machmir to purchase all foodstuffs with counterfeit currency are especially praiseworthy (ubaal goial nefesh yachmir)!"

* In addition, as of today we count the date from the establishment of the Tzioinish medina which is redefined as 9 Av 5708, and since there can be no simcha after the establishment of the medine there is no month other than Av in the Naye Creedmoorer Luach. In addition out of respect for our Islamic brethren in the cause of destroying the Tzioinish entity it is praiseworthy to use a date in Ramadan as well.

We must rely on the same hallowed and arbitrary means of calculating the exact day as we use when calculating the amount of welfare benefits accruing to each personality al pi the sefer Kaballah "Azazel HaMalach" of the Admou"r haKoidesh of Leavenworth ZYL"A, so that it matters little what day in Av it is, only that all dates have four digits or more in Av 5708 when the sun stopped shining over Tel Baruch and the land stopped giving its bounty..............

-Admou'r Dovid Schmoigerman, Great Light of the Nation Allied in Deceit and Gross Theft (Ha'am misyacheid bemirma vegezel), Grand Rabbi of the Disjointed Community of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor and All Branches Thereof Throughout All Galaxies In Which Welfare and Disabilty Benefits Are Granted and Where Fire Insurance Policies May Be Issued.

Signed this day of 898676 Av 5708/3245 Ramadan 1409. 

Yechi Creedmoor Le'oilam Voed! - my first and only serious rant on this blog


I know that I have said many times that I am going to stop because I feel I have run out of material, but I have made a final decision to keep Creedmoor updated as best I can for the foreseeable future.

First of all, I would like to thank my fans, both those who admit to it and the many anonymous visitors from around the world for your support.

However, my reason for remaining is not to please fans; it is because I feel that Creedmoor, as a satire of some very real problems in the community as well as a source for a few good laughs, fulfills a very real need.

On the one hand, the problems exaggerated and satirized in Creedmoor do exist. 

There most certainly is abuse of entitlement programs in our communities, and it is time that this stops especially with the present political and economic situation in the US. And there are, unfortunately, a small but loud and egregious minority of so called haimishe Yidden who think that violence and extreme actions are the proper way to respond to those who fall victim to the influence of modern society on our Torah way of life. 

But these people represent nothing and no one. As long as Hashem made us with a yetzer horo, these real life Creedmoorers, the Ponzi schemers, the welfare fraudsters who present Medicaid cards and EBT cards while wearing Prada tichlach, the Elchanan Bouzaglos, Elior Chens and Shlomo Helbranses, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, Monsey and London NK etc will exist and cause very real chilul Hashem.

Nevertheless, they and their antics are not a reflection on anything and are therefore best dealt with not by airing our dirty laundry out for everyone to see (because no matter what, our dirty laundry is better than their newly dry cleaned Armani suits and Versace dresses), but rather via satire.

Of course I push the envelope a bit, but what I write is really no different from some of Reb Yom Tov Ehrlich's lyrics from his songs that dealt with the encroachment of modern society on our world and how some were falling fast, or from the Gelt song which gave me so many ideas when I got started.

And it is very different from the ramblings of those who use the depraved depradations of a few real life Creedmoorers to write blogs in which they try to tear apart frum society while living on its fringes and reaping its benefits.

Most importantly, it is an answer to the few loud fools, and that is what they are, who use the existence and antics of the Creedmoorers to justify their selfish and ill advised decision to leave Judaism altogether. 

Sadly, I know this from experience - I was a victim of someone who is lower than a Creedmoorer in that his criminality does very real damage to Yidden which cannot be ridiculed, and it caused me to leave for far, far too long. 

Still, I myself was a direct victim - it is not as if I was busy reading about Shereshevsky, or the convicted warehouse burners of the J clan, or the abuse cases (which I cannot and will not satirize), and used that as an excuse to leave - I left in great sadness and disappointment and regret every moment of it. 

I can understand when a real abuse victim leaves Yiddishkeit and I believe that the tznius patrol types should use every means necessary to punish real abusers, including what is probably incorrectly defined as mesira, rather than directing their violent nature toward those who are struggling with modesty or family purity issues. But for every real abuse victim, there are twenty fakes who decided to leave and then make up an instance of abuse which is either exaggerated or never happened altogether.

But the Orthoskeptics (a new online term for grube yunger/maydlach) and the fryouts are just looking to be holier than thou and using the Creedmoorers as ammunition for their own egos and tayvas. Sorry, but lowering of tznius standards and expectations will not put an end to Elchanan Bouzaglo and company, nor is it a proper protest against it. Returning to the lax norms and standards of the  1950's (or as some people mistakenly define it, becoming more "modern") and seeing secular education as a value in itself and a source of moral instruction as opposed to a bedieved means for parnosso is no protection against becoming a Shereshevsky. 

Never mind that the writings of the likes of Voltaire and Nietzche which are part and parcel of secular higher education, are no better than Mein Kampf as a moral compass. In fact, some of the worst Wall Street fraudsters have advanced degrees; for every clown of a haimishe arsonist who perhaps causes 20,000$ in damage to an insurance company, there are 20 attorneys, accountants and securities dealers who cause real damage by stealing the hard earned money of victims who look to them for professional advice. 

I will not be surprised when an insider trading scandal is uncovered among self defined left wing MO, who bend all halachas when it suits them, claiming so nobly that they are more machmir regarding bein adam lechaveiro when in reality they are machmir only on tefillin dating and on using their law degrees and MBA's to make sure their scams are so complicated they never get caught..until now when in the wake of the Madoff scam the "Feds" are closing in on many suspected financial fraudsters. 

As for bein adam lechaveiro - when they land in the hospital (even for childbirth) they are the first ones who rely on the bikur cholim of Satmar whom they ridicule and despise, and when they travel they have no problem eating at a Chabad House as they disturb the shaliach's Shabbos by arguing David Berger's (may he have a refuah shelema) positions with him. They are but one step above the chiloni in EY (who truly knows no better) who gets a wheelchair from Yad Sarah and puts a Dros Kol Dos sticker on the back. 

And the worst criminals in the Jewish world are not the goofball arsonists and entitlement program scammers in Otisville. They are secular. Bernard Madoff. Ivan Boesky. Dennis Levine.

Yes, our worst is better than their best. 

That is because even though we have a yetzer horo, when it strikes we KNOW we are wrong and we do NOT admire those who are exposed as having fallen victim to the yetzer. (with the exception of dirty money going to tzedoko and buying respect, but often it is not known that the money is dirty until the very end and unless it is known there are issues of LH and MSR involved that are so complex that a top posek must be consulted regarding this).

Of course we should also know to get help before the yetzer leads to a chilul Hashem but sometimes the yetzer is just too strong. One who does not have Torah, or who tries to bend Torah chas vesholom worries only about being caught by the secular authorities or exposed by the community in which he lives because deep down, he does not believe. That is the case be these violations bein adam lamakom or bein adam lechaveiro.

And nowhere does it say that being "frum" means you will not do any aveirois. 

In some cases it means that because someone is on a high level, the yetzer hits even harder. If keeping kashrus to the "naki mekol chashash timas haTsionis" level of the Admou"r were a vaccine against welfare fraud, arson, theft or even murder, there would be no dinei mamonois and dinei nefashois in the Torah!! (or, as the Admou"r puts it - Yiddishkeit is nit nor gefilte fish un bagels and lox - s'iz skila, sreyfe, hereg, chenek in karays!)

OK enough is enough! This is not even remotely a serious blog or a place to discuss real issues. And since it is not a democracy either, I will announce right now that any comments defending the fryouts or the Orthoskeptics and their fouled thinking will be relentlessly Creedmoored in posts of their own.

I hope to update Creedmoor at least every Sunday; I still need to finish the Kabbalah of Investing post and to collect all my parody song lyrics and hope to do so this coming Sunday. I also need to see which posts I left unfinished and write the part 2's or part 3's of those that are worth finishing and I may clean the blog of those that can't be finished for whatever reason. 

I will probably wait until I have access to a recording studio to do any serious audio but if anyone wants a teaser audio of "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona", the EY/Sefardi version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor please contact me via my profile. Of course it will cost you 750 food shtempelach and a square meter of spiked kokosh cake but hey, it will probably become a collector's item...

In the meantime, see the next post for the latest psak of the Admou"r, just in time to make your Shabbos shopping a bit cheaper if more complicated ... again I promise NO MORE serious posts or rants here!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

EMERGENCY KASHRUS ALERT - Kapoyer's Chelmisher Bagel Holez


It has come to our attention that there has been a grave misuse of our © kashrus symbol by "Chelmisher Bakerei" of 1339 13th Avenue in Schnodderingham Park, Brooklyn, Zionist Occupied USA.

The product appears with a woefully unauthorized and counterfeit hechsher from "K'hal Anshei Gezel ve'Mirma d'Creedmoor". It is well known that our hyliger community is called "K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirmo d'Creedmoor" on all of the hyliger and exalted tax exemption and Federal funds documents which we have filed with the Zionist government and that there is no such entity as the one mentioned on said hechsher. In addition, the name of the kashrus certifier is given as "Dayan Groinem Dreckgeschefter". Dayan Dreckgeschefter zechusoi yogayn lo alynee is no longer alive, having passed away when his welfare and disability status was audited over three years ago. Finally, we do not certify bagel holes as that is a rather puny and unoriginal scam even if the manufacturer or distributor is attempting to have this product sold for food stamps.

Therefore, with the threat of "skila, sreyfa hereg vechenek beoilam haze vetzoiah roitachas le'oilam haba" we are asking the Chelmisher Bakerei to cease and desist from selling any products with any certification signs mentioning the word Creedmoor.

-In the exalted name and holiest of ghosts of the Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of the Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor:

Dayan Shelumiel - Koirach Schmatteschlepper, Av Beis Din and Av Beis HaSkila d'Kehillas Koidesh Creedmoor, may Hashem spare it His well deserved wrath

The Weekly Questionnaire from Cheder Pesha ve'Resha


Like most schools, Creedmoor's flagship chyder sends a weekly questionnaire to parents of its fortunate students. Here is an example of same, in the original Hymish:


Names vus is registered mit dem welfare (please to use as much space from which you need):

How many times is your son this week making fights with his brider in shvester?_________

How many times is usink your kid bad language tzi redn about der Tzioinim or anyone else from which not is agreeing Chassidis Creedmoor?____________

How many times your yingle has lifted from shops this week?____________

Your yingle has maybe done his part far "Mivtza Break Your Neighbor's Fenster, Bike, Arm or Leg if He Doesn't Dress or Daven Exactly as You Do?" Please tell what has he done!_____________________

When the social worker is gekimen in shteeb, how many brother and sister is telling her your yingle is havink? Is it more or less than what you shrabt on the welfare?__________

Your yingle has burnt something down this week? Yoh___ Nyne___

Is your yingle learnink bed words in Spenish and Aynglish so he ken start fights with the shkootzim? Please not to be afraid to write from what werds he lernt.____________

Did your yingle have a food fight at the last chassune, bar mitzvah, vort or Section 8 approval party he is attending?__________

How many times your yingle is burning the Tzioinish flag? Far grades 1-2 has he done it this week in a warehouse near the gas?_______

Did your yingle manage to koif a bicycle oder an mp3 player mit foodshtemps or did he just steal one?_________

Please to be dishonest in usual Creedmoor feshion; is gekimen a prize (a yichid mitt'n Rebb'n) for the kid who is havink the best answers yeder voch for the next 2 chodoshim.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Schmoigerman "Insurance Fraud Marathon" Dwarfs Madoff


(Compiled from reports from BSP, Baabamaases Press Agency, Hantariche International and just stam shtussim):

While the financial world still reels from the damage done by disgraced Ponzi scheme operator Bernard Madoff, our reporters have uncovered yet another scheme perpetrated by the perennial fraudster and self proclaimed Chassidic rebbe (and self-committed psychiatric patient), "Rabbi" David Schmoigerman.

The Schmoigerman "insurance fraud marathon", as investigators have termed it, consists of submitting falsified fire marshal reports for properties that do not seem to appear on any map or title search. With sums reaching into the quadrillions of dollars, the latest Schmoigerman scheme is on a far grander scale than that of Madoff - and the difference is that as a sovereign ruler of a strategic ally in the EU's struggle against Zionist domination, Schmoigerman can never be prosecuted in the EU. As far as the US is concerned, Schmoigerman is considered a permanently insane psychiatric patient who has been committed to a secure facility, which renders him immune from US prosecution as well.

In short, Rabbi David Schmoigerman is untouchable, despite even the unparalleled audacity of his most recent attempt to obtain immense sums of money through yet another series of fraudulent insurance transactions.

"There is no 3658 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn or 9874 Broadway in Manhattan! And there is no such street as 654th Road in ANY of the five boroughs!" stated an exasperated fire marshal who was asked by Schmoigerman to certify that 50, 56, and 97 story buildings located at each address respectively had met their demise in electrical fires.

Since no fire inspector would risk certifying any Schmoigerman building, the eternal schemer simply established a "Ministry of Fire and Flood Damage" of his rump "Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Other Unpleasant Happenings" and had his newly appointed "Minister", a psychiatrist named Bakri Patel (who is not listed as a licenced physician in New York State where he supposedly practices, leading investigators to suspect he is an illiterate goat farmer in a village in Gujarat, India where Schmoigerman has several phantom properties) certify the buildings as property of the independent entity that had indeed been damaged beyond repair.

Even more alarming is that some of the buildings are supposedly located in foreign countries and insured by underwriters that are not registered at any known location or properly licenced in any jurisdiction.

For instance, Rabbi Schmoigerman has claimed severe flood and mold damage at a building located on 65 bis Rue du Gros Choulentfresseur in Brussels, Belgium. Anyone with even a slight knowledge of Yiddish can recognize that such an address is a poorly conceived Frenchified version of a Yiddish phrase meaning a large or uncouth man who overindulges in a common Jewish Sabbath dish. But more frightening is that the building is insured by "Avadeh Insurance Group." Such an insurance firm is not registered anywhere, even offshore or as a syndicate. Other Schmoigerman insurors include "Welfareman's Fund," "State Pen Insurance," and "Allestzudrayt," with the largest exposure apparently placed on phantom firm "Assicurazioni Geneivetto SpA," registered at a toxic waste dumping ground in the Italian town of Reggio da Camorra.

It is apparent that Rabbi Schmoigerman has concocted a scheme whereby he claims damage to property, and then claims his insurance company has gone bankrupt or has misrepresented itself. In such a situation, he would be entitled to government and/or European Union compensation for lax regulations and/or regulator incompetence that has allowed these unlicenced insurers to collect years of premiums. Undoubtedly, the beloved Rabbi has forged receipts going back at least 20 years for each phantom property and insurer.

And who will pay for the Schmoigerman depredations?

We would normally say you, the taxpayer, but we suspect that Schmoigerman's fraud is on such a large level that trillions of dollars and Euros will have to be printed just to reimburse the self-appointed rabbi, whose claim of independence for his settlement of 90 quintillion rapidly reproducing and generously subsidized souls on the grounds of an abandoned psychiatric hospital is recognized by the EU, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.

The question is - who will print the necessary currency?

Schmoigerman's avarice knows no bounds, and if he is unable to obtain reparations from government bodies, he will clearly print dollars and euros himself, and as a sovereign of a sovereign nation, he is immune from prosecution.

However, in the past, Schmoigerman currency has either been issued under the name "fudshtemp" or has been printed in denominations such as 700 Euro and 895 dollar notes.

Therefore, it seems that this scam, which could not possibly net Schmoigerman any profit, is in reality a ploy to ensure that he remains a legally committed psychiatric patient and therefore exempt from prosecution for his myriad welfare and social benefits scams throughout the world.

It is time to make Schmoigerman understand that only the government can steal taxpayer money, and that those who compete with it must be subject to the ultimate penalty - community service in which they reveal and explain their tactics so as to instruct the governments of the world as to how to more efficiently steal from hard working citizens.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Purim ain't over yet...


Coming Soon...

1) The Kabbalah of Investment (Scams) - starting with the 10 sefiros al pi Kabbalas Creedmoor...

(posted - see above!)[2) Investigative Report: 99% of properties subject to insurance claims by self-proclaimed Chassidic rebbe cannot be located on standard maps....suspected fraud dwarfs that of Madoff..]

3) Lama, ma, ma, ma, nikra Creedmooriah...Creedmoor poems and song lyrics.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Der Admou"r Claims Reparations for Victims of Attila the Hun!


Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...

"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."

Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.

"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."

When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:

"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"

Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...

"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"

The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...

"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."

"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."

Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.

As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.

Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.

In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.

Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.

Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.

But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"

In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.

And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."

Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.

When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.

The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.

And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.

Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.

And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - Shiur by the Admou"r meCreedmoor


As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.

This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.

We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:

1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:

Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:

33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.

33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.

45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.

Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).

So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?

2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:

In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.

For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.

I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).

And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.

For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.

So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.

3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:

A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!

With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?

a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).

b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.

c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.

d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.

The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.