Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver - part 2

With prosecution clearly impending, the Admou"r decided to convene all of his myriad multiple personalities for a meeting with Dr Khan. In the meantime, Jacinto Rodriguez was still busy searching for 200 more dollars worth of Uncle Sam's hard unearned money, as he had lost his last 100 dollars in a game of three card monte with the very same Dr Khan! (Of course, Dr Khan, in his august and hallowed capacity as a shill for the Admou"r, turned 80 of those 100 dollars over to his lord and master, der Admou"r bikvoidoi ibeatzamoisoi!).

The meeting, which was attended by two people who somehow managed to receive no fewer than eight thousand monthly Federal and State subsidy and entitlement cheques between them, was quite successful. It was decided that the Admou"r and his loyal partner would return the 100 dollars worth of food stamps to Jacinto, and even give him a broomstick, free of charge, in exchange for a rather small favor.

The Admou"r contacted the Disunion Bank of Schvitzerland a/k/a his private bank in Nauru so as to obtain forms which would allow the transfer of all of the substantial Shmoigerman/K'hal Sinas Chinom and Khan/Creedmoor Curried Goat and Psychiatric Services accounts to one Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, whose signature was duly recorded as three X's followed by a Z.

Then, the Admou"r contacted another of his most faithful Chassidim, Shabtai Olamnivrabishvili, the proprietor of Dollar Printing and Lamination of Rego Park, with an order for a passport and driver's licence in the name of Jacob K. Ferdganver.

When the documents were couriered over to Creedmoor and signed for by "Dr Pervy Khan," the Admou"r invited Rodriguez into his cheder yichud and gave him a broomstick, and 100 dollars worth of forged food stamps which had arrived in the packet from the printer. He then asked Rodriguez, a functional illiterate, to make 3 x's and a z on the signature lines of a number of bank transfer orders and contracts.

Rodriguez could not contain his glee: "Rabbi gimme hooooooorseeyy! Rabbi gimme hoorssseey! Now I back in Mexico beeg horse theef and thees time I no pay for horse neether. Ride 'em cowboy! Me no buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeettttt!"

The Admou"r replied with a brocho: "May you live a very long time so you can ride dayn fertselach all day long where du darfst geyen! From now on, your name is no longer Jacinto Rodriguez! It is Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver! Af Yiddish dat means Jeck da horse theef! You should be proud from your genayves!"

Jacinto was so thankful that he took the Admou'r's Commerce Bank handout pen and wrote lines and lines of x's and z's on a roll of Creedmoorer klaf a/k/a Scottissue.

With that, and a call placed by Dr Pervez "Pervy" Khan to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the fate of Jacinto Rodriguez, soon to be the Rosh Koilel of the Federal Koilel of Leavenworth, was sealed.....

Part 3 coming all too soon!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Creedmoor Profiles No.2 - Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver - 967 Years of Tshuva - Part 1

As we prepare for the final release of the Admou"r meCreedmoor (who is now stuck in the cargo hold of an Ariana Afghanistan Airlines plane, but more about that shortly), we must take some time to remember those who made Creedmoor what it is today.

So, here is the story of a great tzaddik, Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, who has the distinct demerit to have been sentenced to 967 years in a rather secure Federal Koilel, where he has taken it upon himself to do tshuva for many, many generations yet unborn.

The judge had never seen anything like it. A Chassidic rebbe, dressed rather unusually in a garbage bag and a tinfoil hat, jumping around and dancing while singing verses from Psalms - in the midst of a sentencing hearing...................

The saga started in 2002, when a renegade former Chassid and fugitive by the name of Sholam Weiss was sentenced to 845 years in Federal prison for gross fraud, after having been extradited from Austria. The Admou"r meCreedmoor was not going to let anyone who was not a Creedmoorer Chossid have the honour of being the recipient of the longest prison sentence ever meted out to a Jew in the United States . In addition, he himself was at the edge of receiving a similar sentence in Federal koilel, as a moiser, or perhaps a non-bent and halfway competent psychiatrist, had notified authorities regarding the Admou"r's many insurance and entitlement scams.

So, an opportunity quickly presented itself in the name and wraithlike figure of one Jacinto Rodriguez, the sordid details of whose birth and childhood in Jalisco, Mexico we will spare our faithful readers, as such information is best omitted from a fine, frum family publication like the Creedmoor Chronicles/Vochedige Velt-barimte Pashkvilke. Suffice it to say that years of malnutrition had made their mark upon this gentleman, who may have been on the payroll as a janitor but could also have been a patient whose occupational therapy included sweeping the hallowed halls of D-ward with a rickety old straw broom that matched his rickety appearance and even more rickety intellectual prowess.

One day, the Admou"r was strolling through the premises of his hyliger beis medrash when he spotted Rodriguez holding his broom between his legs, riding it as if it were a horse. Rodriguez cried out "In Mexico I horse thief! Ride 'em cowboy. No buuuuuuullllllllllssssssshhhhhhhheeet! Me Jacinto el ladron y no soy cabron."

The Admou"r told Jacinto in equally broken Yingspanglish: "Di bist a ladron? Di host gelt? Give me por favor drei tolar oder eppes some foodstemp and I give you benedicion! I make your horsey live forever and be real big horse and I big rabbi so I no make no hooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrsesheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

It was clear that Jacinto had a bit of a comprehension problem where Creedmoorer Yiddish was concerned, for he attempted to hit the Admou"r with the broom, and said broom immediately surrendered its dusty soul to the creator of dust bunnies, leaving Jacinto bereft of his gallant steed. Now, Jacinto began to cry: "Heyzooos, Maria y todos los santos, mi caballo dead, no more cowboy, just beeeeeg buuuuuuuuullllllsheeeeeeeeeet rabbi!"

Now, the Admou"r proved just what a ba'al midois Sdoim he truly was, is and continues to be. He quickly offered the moaning, wailing Jacinto a new steed (obtained from a nearby utility closet and marked "Property of the New York State Department of Demental Health" - for a month's ration of food stamps! To make sure that the dilapidated little Mexican understood, the equally dilapidated Admou"r held out his hyliger thumb and rubbed it against his fingers, and then stretched out his hand and said: "Gimme food stamp, cowboy!"

Jacinto could produce only fifty dollars worth of food stamps, so that the Admou"r separated the horse's head from its torso, or more correctly the broom's head from the stick, and gave the mighty steed's head to his latest customer. He then told Jacinto: "Tomorrow you bring me tzvai hinnert dinero and I give you horsey. You no bring and you get horseyshhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeetttttt!"

The stunned Jacinto headed off into the sunset, clutching his new mount's head like a security blanket as he set off to find two hundred dollars worth of Federal entitlement money. In the meantime, the Admou"r was stunned by the arrival of a Federal document of another sort - a notice of investigation for massive welfare, section 8, and Medicaid fraud - addressed to Dr Pervez Muktadar Khan, the latest in a string of psychiatrists who were on the payroll of the hyliger Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor for the purpose of receiving various and sundry undeserved multiple benefits payments on behalf of the hyliger Admou"r himself.

So, the Admou"r quickly realized that he had to attend to matters far more pressing than cheating a decrepit little Mexican janitor out of a month's worth of food stamps. After all, Khan was as big a tzaddik as the Admou"r himself, and since Khan could easily turn state's evidence in exchange for deportation, the Admou"r realized he might exchange his present rabbinic titles for that of "Rosh Koilel of the Hyliger Leavenworth Koilel" for many, many years.....

Tam venishlam Part 1 - Part 2 coming soon!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Admou"r is back in Creedmoor!

Read about his exciting escape from Kennedy Airport Homeland Security Detention Center tomorrow!

Yes, the Admou"r and his Cretinous Creedmoor Constellation are back by popular demand - and as they say, be careful what you ask for because you might just get it!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Has Creedmoor Run its Course?

Well, the Admou"r was indeed released yesterday, just in time for the yahrtzeit of his Rebbe, the Tzoirer Hokodosh of Ramallah YMS. But does anyone care to read about Creedmoor anymore, or has it run its course? Please let me know!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Der Admou"r's Becher is On Ebay!!


Der Admou"r unfortunately iz nisht aroysgeforn fun jail and now we sell his becher in oichet Kois shel Brocho on Ebay far'n his Legal Defense Fund! Bid now and bid high!!!

Friday, November 04, 2005

The Admou"r will be released Motzoei Shabbos

We have received word that the Admou"r will fier tush at the El Sayid A Nosair Chapel of the Homeland Security Federal Detention Center at Kennedy Airport this Shabbos, but that he has reached an agreement with the US Government which will secure his release chas vesholom.

More details as we fabricate them out of thin air!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Keeping Future Generations Free of Mitzvos - "Dor Reshoim"

As a response to her hyliger husband's continuing detention and with hope that his Section 8 and welfare cheques continue to arrive despite his declaration of independence from the USA, Mrs Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, a woman who is Izevel, a yachne, and veritably brimming with tzoiah from all her pores, is proud to present DOR RESHOIM!

Imagine the tragedy.

1) Rivky: The daughter of geshmake Federal koilel yungeleit is introduced to a young man who is so far from her family derech - he learns, davens, gives tzedoko, participates in community service without being sentenced to same by a judge...

2) Mendy: The son of the most prominent family in our community, and a young man who has the zechus to be inscribed on the welfare rolls of all fifty states as well as three Canadian provinces is redt to a young lady from a Chassidus that is known for such horrors as bikur choilim...and he marries her and leaves the derech, becoming a successful and ehrliche businessman....

That is why the Rebbetzin is proud to introduce the Dor Reshoim Matchmaking Screening Service! For a very small fee, payable in entitlement checks, we screen potential marriage partners to make sure that both sides have felony records and welfare profiles for at least as many generations as they have resided in the free world! Each participant will have his or her family's records broadcast all over town, in every mikve and even on the Net!

A success story: Yachne and Bilom come from fine State Koilel families, on opposite coasts. Yachne's great grandfather ran a black market in textiles between the 2 wars in Chelm, and her parents are on probation for tax evasion . Bilom's father and mother are serving 20 year sentences for gasoline tax fraud and money laundering. So, when their children came of age, the parents asked Dor Reshoim to check the records. And they matched - both families carry a fine heritage of fraud and parasitism. So, the chassuna was celebrated with one set of parents wearing handcuffs and the other wearing ankle bracelets - invy hagefen veinvy hagefen - or is it oy vay a ganif mit oy vay a gonif! And three months later, Yachne gave birth to a baby who is already signed up for SSI and welfare in 30 states!

So, if you do not want your child to chalila marry an ehrliche baal chesed, but you'd prefer a nishtgeferlache ba'al gayve vetayve, call Dor Reshoim now at 1-888-RESHOIM! Keep our families FREE of birth defects such as chesed, rachamim and ehrlichkeit!

Please Add in Avyros on Behalf of the Admou"r

From a request sent by the Admou"r from the Kennedy Airport detention cell in which he is now housed:

Myne tayerer soldiers in der fight against the tuma fin Tzioinis:

Almost a week I roast here mit Kolombianer drug dealers, Efriken stowavays in a Meksiken or two. End beck in Kridmor der Un A Broches in der Mit A Broches zenen in broigez in mach gantz milchome. You want this should end? I want you should make even more avyros den you usually do:

1) Random acts of hooliganism will bring about myne release. So I want det you should turn over a car, burn a house - nisht far insurance, far thrills. Remember dat it takes a karpenter to build a house, but any jackass can kick it down. Karpenter - is det a job for a Jewish boy? No - so better you should be a jeckess and kick down something dat some poor shmoiger builded.

2) Get involved in every machloikes in der velt. A fight in Vilyamsberg? Great - half of you take one side and half of you take der anderer side. And one of you stab both sides in the beck by pretending to do from one side and really being from der anderer.

3) Increase in the printing end sale from fake documents and fake currency end remember to kesh from it at least tventy sents from der Satan doller. The Great Satan is just a fake to begin with, end da more we make from him an ess de closer we get to the ultimate viktery of the hyliger klipa against such Tziyoini ideas fin ahavas yisroel, achdis, in bifrat we should never see no coming fin der Tziyoini leader der Moshiach.