Saturday, November 20, 2010

Creedmoor is gone - but I have reappeared


Those who read the Tzioinish loshon of the apikorus, koifer and all around rooshe Ben-Yehuda of not so blessed memory are invited to meet the Israeli "Sefardi" version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaRav (im atzmo veim kulam) Itzhak Arnona (pronounced Ahr-NOOO-naah). Rav Arnona is an expert in all things Gehennom and he can get even the biggest rosho out of there...if the price is right. And of course, Creedmoor fans will recognize the fundraising methods of this great haham balailot as being very similar to that of their favorite retired Admou"r.

So, donate 10 shekels to Rav Arnona now and get a 100 shekel tax receipt at (in case anyone is wondering about the spelling, that is how you write Gehennom in Frenkish, I mean French and I took it because the usual spelling was taken already).

Creedmoor is gone - but I have reappeared


Those who read the Tzioinish loshon of the apikorus, koifer and all around rooshe Ben-Yehuda of not so blessed memory are invited to meet the Israeli "Sefardi" version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaRav (im atzmo veim kulam) Itzhak Arnona (pronounced Ahr-NOOO-naah). Rav Arnona is an expert in all things Gehennom and he can get even the biggest rosho out of there...if the price is right. And of course, Creedmoor fans will recognize the fundraising methods of this great haham balailot as being very similar to that of their favorite retired Admou"r.

So, donate 10 shekels to Rav Arnona now and get a 100 shekel tax receipt at (in case anyone is wondering about the spelling, that is how you write Gehennom in Frenkish, I mean French and I took it because the usual spelling was taken already).

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The End of a Long Run: Farewell


Creedmoor has come to an end. I had fun writing it and it had a long, if somewhat quiet, run, but it is time to call it a day.

I am busier now than ever before, and the spark is just gone. Perhaps I will return to underground satire with new topics and new characters, but the Admou"r and his Chassidim now live on only in the archives - and in the vacant halls of D-ward in Creedmoor.

Farewell, all - and remember that it is better to live in darkness than to burn your own heavily insured warehouse down for light!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Return of Freeky Freedy


This time, it is not MAF, or any other member of the Ku Klutz Kartel, who has been bestowed with the moniker Freeky Freedy. In fact, this Freeky Freedy is not even haimish, not by a longshot.

Instead, our latest Creedmoor born and bred stain on the Friedman surname is actually a multiple personality of the Admou"r who spews his anti-Israel tomfoolery on the editorial pages of a major newspaper - and that paper has no idea it is paying its renowned Putzwhancker Prize winning commentator's salary right to Creedmoor.

The story begins when the Admou"r meCreedmoor realized he had to get his message of destruction of the Zionist entity and promotion of entitlement programs out to a wider audience.

One summer day, a follower happened to bring him a phony pre-war Hungarian welfare card in the name of Friedmann Tamasz. The card was issued in 1911 to a disabled veteran by that name who had fought with the troops of Attila the Hun, and with a birthdate somewhere around 396 CE it followed that the good soldier Friedmann was approximately a millenium and a half old at the time the card was issued back around the end of the 19th century EOS (Era of Shkootzim).

Such a card was perfect for the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and he immediately signed ancient and fictitious Tamasz bacsi up for a few rounds of welfare, Medicare, Medicaid and retroactive aid from the Hungarian government.

At the same time, the Admou"r's one somewhat intelligent follower, a college student who had fallen under the spell of much Arab propaganda, had brought a ream of anti-Israel articles and papers to his Admou"r for a brooche.

The Admou"r seized the papers, and asked the student for the address of the New York Times. Once he found the address, he duly submitted a few of the papers under the name "Tamasz Friedmann," with a note that he, Dovid Schmoigerman, was Friedmann's literary agent.

Of course, the NYT, which prints any sort of anti-Israel claptrap, was very pleased. And little by little, the Admou"r sent the rest of the papers. He kept the flow going by asking his talmid and Chossid to write a new one every week, claiming it would be printed in the English language edition of Der Shygetz, knowing that his student would never know that such a derisive name is given to the New York Times by many a Creedmoorer Chossid who confuses it with this very august online publication that you are now reading.

Tamasz Friedmann's name was anglicized to Tom Friedman, and all the rest is history.

And all of the cheques being sent to "Tamasz Friedmann" are being cashed by..."Schmoigerman Literary Consultants" every week, to this very day.

(NB: The gentleman whose photograph appears in the NYT under the name "Tom Friedman" is actually illegal Mexican alien Pedro "Mustache Pete" Pendejez, a now deceased dealer in marijuana from Tijuana).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Va'ani zois berisi oisam...the Admou"r is confirmed insane for another year


The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.

But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.

He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.

Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.

And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:

"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."

Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.

And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.

Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."

Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.

And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:

"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"

And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"

So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

The Admou"r's Abode


We will be back on Sunday when we will present the life and times of the Manganeser Rov, the mysterious guest who actually hails back to the Manganeser Chassidishe hoif of Szarkonosvary, with the name given because of the family's attempt to pass off worthless rock from the outcrop that isolates Szarkonosvary from civliization as valuable manganese which was necessary in what was then the fledgling Hungarian dry cell industry. We will also bring you the results of the Admou'r's yearly mental exam, during which he enshrined himself in Creedmoor for another year by....administering the Talmudic death penalty of sreyfa (immolation by means of molten lead)to....a life sized rubber duckie!

For now, here is a link to the Admou"r's Creedmoor, real pictures of the abandoned sections of the old hospital where only phantom welfare personalities could possibly reside.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mysterious "Manganeser Rov" Makes Sudden Appearance at Sukkos Kappoores Shuk in Creedmoor


We have just received word that a great self proclaimed tzaddik, clearly chief among the eighty (pay) tzaddikim who are so exalted and extinguished that only they know of their own tzidkus, and who calls himself the "Manganeser Rov" (apparently because of his illicit dealings in Albanian manganese ore or perhaps because he touts manganese as an alternative either to lithium or tin foil hats for being able to maintain a diagnosis of criminal insanity) was seen dressed as a chicken with a lulav in his beak at yesterday's grand Creedmoorer Sukkos Kappoores Shuk. The chicken's feathers were painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, and it was accompanied by the Rov's gabbai, Shelimiel Gezelberger, who held up a sign stating that the proceeds of any of the sheva minim bnei Noiach that were purchased from "Khal Adas Manganese" would sponsor the next "Kishke Flotilla" to Gaza which is scheduled to leave from the former Domino Sugar docks in Williamsburgh on vov d'Chol Hamoied Sukkos.

As the kappoores shuk, which is mamash a kappooreh, a kappooreh, a kappooreh, continues throughout all the 12 days of Sukkos in Creedmoor or until the last insured sukkah has been summarily set alight and visited by Hymie the Hymishe Insurance Adjuster, we hope to have more about the Manganeser Rov during (tzioinish) Chol Hamoed.

Rumors that this spectacle was simply an advertisement for a 419 or Ponzi scheme involving manganese could not be confirmed, but when scams and Creedmoor are mentioned in the same sentence, such rumors certainly cannot be denied.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Creedmoor Will be Back Before Sukkos


Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".

He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.

In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.

Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Der Admou"r is Recruiting Internet Trolls


1) Who is the biggest Jewish rosho in history?

a) Karl Marx

b) Burech Lebovitz

c) Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin

2) What is the greatest cause of kids going off the derech?

a) The temptations of the outside world

b) Molestation

c) Kids being forced to drink cholov yisroel and miss out on M and M's

3) What is the greatest threat to Yiddishkeit today?

a) Intermarriage

b) Modernity

c) Chabad, Aish, Ohr Somayach


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Creedmoorer to Speak at Simcha Hall Dedication


While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.

The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.

It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.

In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"

And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.

Creedmoor Forever - just not now!


Creedmoor will be back, most probably Chol Hamoed Sukkos.

The Admou"r is presently in a self induced coma in order to be able to claim further mental damage that exacerbates his acute multiple personality syndrome.

This will allow him to colonize most of the solar system and claim welfare from various space exploration bodies as well as double or triple his present figure of 150 quintillion welfare and disability recipients throughout the world.

For those who really wish to say the Admou"r's prakim (pay, tzaddik and 151-613) as a segula to help him create more personalities, his name for passages from the Koran and the Bagit Gitty is Dovid Azazel ben Pesha ve'Resha.

In the meantime, please do whatever you can to prolong this golus and contribute to the redemption of forged food stamps and triple coupons.

On behalf of the Admou"r meCreedmoor,

Sharia Dayan Imam Pandit Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (Yisroel Dovid Scheiss), Creedmoorer Masjid of Monsey

Koskesholislam Ismail Nour as-Sabih (Yisroel Meir Hirsch), Ras ul-Madrassa, Creedmoorer Madrassa Ohel Hagar of Al-Quds as-Sharif.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Controversial Chassidic Leader Claims Responsibility for Ahmadinejad Attack


Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the self proclaimed leader of the self recognized "Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Other Unfortunate Occurences of Creedmoor", otherwise known as K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, is no stranger to suspected insurance fraud.

This time, however, the money trail stretches all the way to Iran, where the self-ordained rabbi is implicated in the recent attempt on the lamentable life of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Schmoigerman, who is known for his anti-Zionist views just as much as he is known for his successful and unprosecutable acts of gross fraud and theft,

Sunday, August 01, 2010

World Court Expected to Decide Sdom Insurance Lawsuit in Admou"r's Favor


We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.

It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".

More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Twin Cities and Their New Rebbe


When one thinks of the Twin Cities today, chances are (s)he (as the politically correct West Coast Rebbetzin of Creedmoor-Alcatraz has asked us to write) has Minneapolis-S Paul, Missouri in mind.

Yet, while one of those Missourible cities has indeed inflicted a Failed Creedmoorer upon us, when a true and unfailed Creedmoorer speaks of the Twin Cities (s)h(it)e (which includes all the genders registered on welfare by the Admou"r) is referring to the pair of remote villages where Kalman Schmoigerman, the great great grandfather of the Admou"r, who indeed is still alive aged 243 according to Medicare records, established the first Hungarian antecedent of Creedmoorer Chassidus.

Those villages, not found on any map but still reporting a huge number of suspicious fires and floods to this very day, are apparently nestled in a rocky and hilly outcrop on the border between Hungary and what is now Albania.

They are called Szarkonosvary and Arschvary, or in Yiddish, Schvartzyohr and Ossvorf. And if one were to compare them to an earlier set of two cities in the nether reaches of Eretz Yisroel, which are now best known as the source of the active ingredient in the Ahava cosmetics which many a Creedmoorer boycotts, namely Sodom and Gomorrah, one would be forgiven for noticing the many similarities.

Szarkonosvary and Arschvary were founded by the notorious Vandals, and indeed when Kalman Schmoigerman placed a white flag on the abandoned fortress of Szarkonosvary, vandalism was very much in evidence.

The fortress was practically uninhabitable, except for a few rooms which were permeated with a strong smell of fermented plums. Those rooms were the abode of Szarkoszlas (Sar-kos-lash), the Count of Szarkonosvary, who was bestowed by the newly arrived pidgin Yiddish speaker with the noble name of Schvartzawolf.

Now, Schvartzawolf was in no way even remotely Jewish, regardless of the name which his soon to be lord of the manor had chosen for him.

He was a descendant of some Vandal chieftain or another. Once a semi-successful plum farmer, the alcohol soaked local noble now eked out a living brewing a pathetically primitive, but quite strong, liquor from a few rotten plums, some ketchup which somehow arrived in the town from local Gypsy traders, and just about any other available material, be it wood shavings, paper, topsoil, or three day old moldy bread.

The entrepreneurial Schmoigerman immediately saw the commercial potential of this highly toxic beverage. Not entirely devoid of knowledge when it came to intoxicational chemistry, he knew that it probably contained enough methanol to render anyone who consumed it temporarily blind.

And that meant that Schmoigerman could open a kretschma, or inn and tavern, similar to the one he had operated in his former abode somewhere in Carpathia.

In this new house of deceit, he could sell glasses and bottles full of this evil potion at a very high profit margin, as its effects would render its consumers unable to realize how much they were spending. Then he would simply have the reprehensible little Schvartzawolf rob the guests of his inn of every last bit of their possessions and relieve them of their steeds or other four legged forms of transportation. Finally, he would then have his new vassal carry his customers outside the town limits while they remained blind under the influence of the evil Schvartzawolf Slivovitz.

When they awoke, Schmoigerman planned to appear as their savior and provide them with a luxurious horse and buggy to transport them to their home villages. Once back in the guest's home village, the driver of said conveyance would demand a huge ransom in order to allow his passenger to disembark safe and sound.

Now, the question was - how could Kalman Schmoigerman get travelers to visit this isolated and foreboding little village and allow him to build yet another successful enterprise.

And the idea was not long in coming. He would convert Schvartzawolf to Judaism right then and there, teach him a few words of Yiddish, and send him out to the Jewish villages in the area to announce that the abandoned towns of Schvartzawolf and Oisvorf were now the holy court of the great and exalted tzaddik, the Szarkonosvary Rov, who of course was none other than Kalman Schmoigerman himself.

A conversion ceremony, consisting of a bris done in a fashion that would qualify as animal abuse if it had been performed on a four legged beast instead of the bestial Schvartzawolf, was performed, with Schvartzawolf repeating the words: "Harei ani meshuabad lecha Kvod Malchis HaRov HaGaon Kalman Schmoigerman, kedas Moloch veAzazel".

As far as the new Rebbe was concerned, he now had a fully Jewish gabbai, a sadistic little fool who would be more than content with five per cent of the daily take of the new Chassidus, paid to him in liquid currency, namely slivovitz of a quality one step above the poison he would proffer to all who paid him for a brocho or eytzo, and in semi-hard currency, namely the infamous kokosh cake which the Schmoigerman family had been producing since the days of their first inn in Sodom of old.

And that very night, Schvartzawolf went out on his three legged donkey to the nearby shtetlach to announce the arrival of a great tzaddik, a descendant of the Motzi Shem Ra of Shteinkopf.

With the literacy rate as abysymal as it was in that time and place, most of the locals truly believed there was such a tzaddik as this supposed ancestor of the newly self ordained Grand Rebbe Kalman Schmoigerman.

And the famous adage "There is a sucker born every minute" would soon be proven in the twin cities of Szarkonosvary and Arschvary.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Toldois Creedmoor: "They shoot horses, don't they" The Kerosener Rov (final installment)


(Note: pending transfer the prior installments of this series are to be found on

Kalman Schmoigerman had signed up just about every Jewish resident of the Kazimiersz - deGeneratzky lands for his then novel and now discredited tontine investment program, in which the last man left standing would inherit the entire sum of all funds paid in by all other participants. According to the proper operation of such a scheme, the proceeds were meant to be invested for the benefit of all participants, so that while the final beneficiary might have ended up with the lion's share, all who were involved would benefit from the dividends of prudent investments.

But honesty and any member of the de Menuval-Menuvalov-Schmoigerman clan had no connection with one another, and Kalman Schmoigerman was determined to cash in on every last kopek that his fellow Jews had invested in his tontine.

This was accomplished in a rather novel manner. As many of the townspeople, Jewish and otherwise, were illiterate in Russian and Ukrainian, Schmoigerman simply changed the name of the beneficiary on each deed from the specified name to the name of the purchaser's horse. If he did not know the name of the specific horse, he simply wrote "Ferd", which was one of the more pleasant of his own nicknames in cheder, in sloppy, hastily scribbled Cyrillic characters.

So, for instance, a policy bought for young Getzel Goldman, the son of a local grandee, as a Bar Mitzvah gift instead read "Ferd Goldman," as there was no way that Schmoigerman, who was rather corpulent and also had a price on his head, could normally outlive a lad of 13.

And of course, within a week or so of the completion of the subscription to the "Gantz Mazel Tontine," there was a strange epidemic of a horse pestilence, in which just about every householder in the area woke up to find at least one of his horses dead with several pistol bullet holes in its head.

Once Schmoigerman was certain that all of the horses belonging to all of his investors were killed, he sent out letters of condolence in Yiddish, with a short sentence in Russian at the bottom, in very small print indeed, informing the unfortunate former horse owner that he had now been removed from the "Gantz Mazel Tontine" for the policy was issued in the name of his now deceased steed or steeds.

The confused townspeople were too preoccupied with obtaining new horses to realize that the one man who had a single living equine, Kalman Schmoigerman, had rode on that horse all the way to Szarkonozvary, Hungary, which was a good 100 kilometers away from their town.

It was to Szarkonosvary that Kalman Schmoigerman had spirited his family, who awaited him in the castle which he had bought through a sleight of hand gambling transaction the moment he had collected enough tontine funds to want to secret away in the form of gold coins amidst the ruins of the famous Vandal fortresses of Szarkonosvary.

The Hungarian village was in fact founded by the Vandals, and it was a rocky outcrop of a village similar to that where the Montres-de Menubal clan of Spain had originated.

Of course, Kalman Schmoigerman chose it as the new location of the Schmoigerman criminal dynasty because Szarkonosvary was known for the same degree of moral turpitude as the city from whence the family had sprung at the very beginnings of its history of fraud, deception, theft and deceit. That city was of course Sodom.

And now, the misbegotten and foreboding little village had welcomed a new resident who would teach the rather dull-witted and petty Vandal descendants who populated the town and eked out a living by robbing travelers and the like, how to commit fraud on an international scale. Of course, the way these rather pathetic Szarkonosvarians would learn how to commit large scale fraud would be by serving as victims of the village's new self appointed Viscount, Av Arba Misois Beis Din, kashrus supervisor and tax collector, Kalman Schmoigerman.

The first sign of the arrival of this skewed moral compass was the appearance of a little stall in the central market marked with a simple sign reading "Kalman Schmoigerman Kokosh Cake Bakery. Kasher LeMafreya under the Strictest Supervision of the Szarkonosvary Kashrus Council." Little did the villagers know that this innocent looking yeast cake sold by Kalman and his family would be their undoing."

We are unable to access the Creedmoor archives until after 9 Av when Creedmoorer sfira, which begins on 5 Iyar, ends. We look forward to sharing with you as much of the history and present news of the Creedmoorer kehillas and their antecedents which we can fabricate when we return.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" Yeshiva Sued for Discrimination


The Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is the flagship institution of the largely phantom Creedmoorer educational network, which exists largely to prove that its 48 quintillion or so students are all special needs children who are in need of special services and equipment from all 50 states, the EU and the UNHCR.

However, the "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is special in that it takes only students whose parents never, ever worked in their lives and have committed at least seven felonies in at least three jurisdictions.

A young man called Seamus Abdulkarim Oved, whose surname is suspicious as it suggests "work" in the Zionist tongue, attempted to enroll in "Mishkon Areilim" but was unable to provide documentation of his parents' police records.

Of course, in Creedmoor, this is but a formality as all records are generated by the Hakolbishvili brothers "Print-A-Buck" printing press, also known as the Royal Mint of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, depending on what opportunity for gross fraud presents itself.

But this was not enough for Mohammed Shmeel Abu-banat Ginzburg, who is only a six-time convicted felon, and a father of girls who in any case are not accepted into "Mishkon Areilim". He insisted on bringing the Admou"r meCreedmoor himself, who is the registered dean and warden of the institution of higher deception, to Federal court, which in this case means the Beis Din of the Federal Koilel Yingerleit and Alumni of Otisville. Said Beis Din is also located somewhere in the phantasmic nether reaches of the Creedmoor plumbing system.

The Federal court ruled that Ginzburg himself would be able to attend Mishkon Areilim under the Federal Koilel Mezuyonim program if he managed to commit another felony. As for Oved, a quick check of the records and a bit of sleight of hand were combined to find him a set of felonious adoptive parents. All rejoiced when eighteen new SSI applications were sent to Washington DC with a note: "Remember, from tiny ACORNS many votes do grow".

And at the end of the beis din proceedings, all parties gathered in an empty shell of a slum building in the Bronx to burn the Zionist flag in celebration of yet another sheaf of insurance cheques that would soon accompany the new SSI benefits.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Creedmoor Got a Facelift


Thanks to the new Google template layout designer, I gave Creedmoor a quick facelift (much easier than giving Helen Thomas or Tali Fhima much needed facelifts but you gotta start somewhere)!

Please let me know what you think. I might change some colors on Sunday when I post again.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Helen Thomas Asked to Edit New Anti-Zionist Jewish Women's Magazine


Newsbrief: Disgraced Hearst calumnist Helen Thomas has been offered a position as editor in chief of "Daasan Kalois - Di Machshefa" - a new women's publication hitherto edited by Leona Helmsley who was finally pronounced dead after her identiy was used unsuccessfully to apply for several credit cards and loans.

The publication is owned by "The Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor", a splinter group within the larger "Anti-Zionist Congregation of Baseless Hatred and Other Unpleasantries of Creedmoor" that was set up when the original congregation became too large to register as one tax exempt organization. As it is run by the notorious Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, it is known for its extreme anti-Zionism and indeed attempts to send flotillas to Gaza, each of which has ended in very profitable disaster when the highly insured inflatable rafts and rowboats sank only yards from where they set sail.

Since the Admou"r only pays in currency which he himself prints, and Thomas would fabricate anything to get into print, analysts believe that the two will indeed be able to cooperate and that Thomas will indeed accept the position which Schmoigerman has offered.

Nevertheless, there is no word yet as to whether Thomas will join the Creedmoorer publication, which carries with it the need to fabricate stories regarding Zionist atrocities while maintaining a viewpoint acceptable to followers of Osama bin Laden. In fact, "Daasan Kalois - Di Machshefa" is also very widely read in the Islamic world, as its beauty advice for burqa and chador wearers is extremely popular.

Regardless of whether or not she accepts the editorship, Helen Thomas has indeed graciously agreed to pose wearing an orange plastic burqa designed by the extremely talented wife of the Admou"r, Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, whose beauty is said to rival that of Miss Thomas herself.

More as details become available.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Admou"r demands emergency welfare for an infinite number of microbes!


As reported earlier, the Obama Administration has expressed interest in the proposal by Schmoigerman Environmentally Noxious Associates, Inc, a mysterious firm operated by the even more mysterious Creedmoorer Chassidic Community, to unleash several tons of a rancid Hungarian Jewish delicacy which the firm claims contains oil eating bacteria. The firm has guaranteed that this substance will indeed neutralize the BP oil spill and clean the waters that have been affected by it.

The food, known as galle, has apparently been sitting in the Schmoigerman chassidic compound on the grounds of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center for over one year, as it was made for a flag burning ceremony which the controversial community had held in several vacant warehouses on the 61st anniversary of the founding of the State of Israel.

Since the galle has been stored without refrigeration, an infinite number of microbes have colonized it; these range from fungi to bacteria to other organisms which, like many in the Obama administration, have but one barely functioning cell.

However, the price of the proposal is set at one emergency welfare grant, equal to one month's rent in a warehoused apartment being used as an emergency shelter, for EACH microbe.

An Obama administration spokesperson has made it clear that the government is indeed amenable to the proposal, so long as each microbe then promises to vote Democratic in the November 2010 elections and then vote for Obama in 2012.

Friday, June 04, 2010

URGENT update: "Galle" from CSS Moishe Hirsch wreck contains oil eating bacteria


We have just received the following information from the Creedmoorer Department of Economically and Environmentally Noxious Activities (Machon haKilkul vehaTiruf she al ydei Khal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin):

The galle which nearly spilled due to Zionist sabotage and was indeed rescued by a brave member of our Shomrei Bituach patrol was not headed to Gaza. It was and is instead intended to be used for the cleanup of the BP oil spill. As the galle was made no later than last Yom ha'Atzamois, it is confirmed rancid and therefore rich in destructive bacteria that destroy oil spills the way they destroy everyone who touches the galle at Shabbos kiddush.

A special arrangement is being made between the government of Obamistan and the Arba Misois Beis Din of Creedmoor to allow for proper reimbursement of the Admou"r for his many tons of noxious and all consuming bacteria. More on Sunday after the tzioinish Shabbos!

"CSS Moishe Hirsch" sinks: substance best left unidentified nearly spills out near beach


An environmental disaster of British Petroleum dimensions was narrowly averted when the "CSS Moishe Hirsch," a 400 foot inflatable raft filled with provisions intended for delivery to Gaza, sank off the coast of Brooklyn. This raft was one of a second flotilla sent out by a mysterious Chassidic rebbe from Queens who had failed in his earlier attempt to send 16 rafts to Gaza for insurance purposes.

The raft, which instead of being inflated with air was inflated in insurable value and filled with a noxious and malodorous substance known as "galle," was found at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean a few feet from Brighton Beach by "Boris", a local resident who, among other ventures, is said to be an insurance adjuster specializing in maritime disasters.

"Boris", whose Social Security records show that he was 132 years old at the time of the explosion of the Chernobyl power plant near where he resided at the time and who subsequently emigrated to the United States, is supposedly totally disabled as a result of the blast. However, he managed to valiantly and singlehandedly rescue the 400 foot, 11 ton "CSS Moishe Hirsch" and thereby prevent the noxious "galle" from polluting the water.

When our Russian affairs reporter attempted to speak to Boris in Russian, he replied "you want dat ship should gay kocken affn yam mit all der galle? leave from me alone please"!

It is believed that "Boris" may be the mysterious Rebbe himself, and another business card which he carried advertised his services as an environmental cleanup expert. It is further rumored that after his brave escapade in saving the CSS "Moishe Hirsch" and billing the City of New York "thirty finf million foodshtempelach" for his services, that he is headed to tackle the BP spill as well so as to give the Obama administration a reason to print yet more "foodshtempelach".

Monday, May 31, 2010

Confirmed: Three Rafts Sunk off Atlantic Coast


The Creedmoorer community mourns the loss of over 300,000 of its members, whose very existence has been confirmed by the Department of Health and Human Services of the Great Satan and by the European Union Department for the Support of International Terror, after the rafts on which they were traveling to Gaza were sunk by a pleasure craft three miles from Jones Beach.

The CSS "Moldy Kokosh Cake", the CSS "Putrid Galle" and the CSS "Rancid Herring" were confirmed sunk today with all passengers presumed lost. Insurance adjusters have arrived on the scene and are attempting to recover remains so that the organization which sent out the flotilla on behalf of its Saudi and Iranian handlers can be compensated for the immense loss of its finest multiple personalities.

Cleanup costs are expected to rival that of a large family Memorial Day picnic; the cost to the insurance companies involved is expected to be so high that Congress will be compelled to provide them with bailout funds if they are not acquired outright by Saudi interests.

Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has declared today Memorial Day as well, and is hosting a picnic and bonfire in memory of the casualties. The bonfire includes the burning of a Zionist flag in an empty warehouse complex perhaps 1000 yards from Jones Beach, and last used for storing "Magefa Pareve Petroleum Schmaltz", a product made from Saudi crude to fulfill the strict dietary regulations of Creedmoorer chassidim. It is also a known accelerant that has been found on the premises of many vacant properties insured to the Schmoigerman family and its various charitable organizations.

Fourteen rafts are still at large and are expected to sink within the hour as each one is loaded with nearly 1000 pounds of counterfeiting supplies. Insurance adjusters are remaining in the area until the sinking has been completed.

Creedmoor Sends "Freedom Flotilla" to Fight Zionist Entity


It has been confirmed that another "Freedom Flotilla" is on its way to Gaza. Seventeen inflatable rafts, each one stuffed with phony EBT cards as well as dies and printing material to manufacture US dollar bills in "custom denominations" are being floated from Jones Beach to Gaza, with no fewer than 100,000 multiple personalities of the Admou"r on board each raft. The cards are meant for the brave fighters of Hamas sleeper cells who can print the bills and use the card numbers for purchases in Arab groceries from Brooklyn to Dearborn.

Our sources confirm that the rafts, like the scam behind them, are not seaworthy and are expected to be picked up by passing garbage barges.

However, we have confirmed that each multiple personality has already been issued a New York City death certificate to match the name on its raft of life insurance policies, all payable to "The Schmoigerman Fund for the Increase of Baseless Hatred and the Destruction of the Zionist Entity Speedily and In Our Time".

In addition, a brochure is now being printed which implores "rachmoonim bnei rachmoonim" to donate to the yesoimim and almanois of these brave "marbitzei haTzioinim" who gave their lives to fight the tzionishe koifrim in the medine. The brochure will be distributed throughout haimishe Brooklyn by "Scheiss and Dreck Distribution" a branch of the Monsey Islamic Coalition of Saddle River Road.

It is believed that the EU will be the main donor to this cause, followed by Saudi Arabia, Iran, and now Turkey.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

We will be back


We have not forgotten you and we will be back sometime later in the summer when the Admou"r returns from his latest vacation to some very secluded and hot location.

Monday, May 17, 2010


"On these days of mourning and destruction, we lament the giving of the Torah to the Tzioinish koifrim, who violate all that is sacred to us as Chassidim of Creedmoor by living according to its commandments.

Six days of work are expressly forbidden, as work is a Tzioinish concept. It is recumbent upon us to cash welfare cheques seven days a week, at no less than seventy cents on the dollar!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Admou"r is Fasting on Shavuos!!!


In protest at the giving of the Torah, which the Admou"r views as a subversive Zionist document, Creedmoor and its affiliates will be fasting for two days while the tzioinim are celebrating matan Torah.

More tomorrow as the Admou"r's lunacy develops even further.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

CONFIRMED: Bin Laden is in Creedmoor!


The production staff of Good Morning America often fields and dismisses unusual calls, but they were shocked to receive a call from a woman who identified herself as "Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN" and who claimed being located in Alcatraz.

The call transcript is as follows:

LBPMS: "Bin Laden is not in Washington DC. He is in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, in the D-ward, and he's been there since 1984."

Operator: "Could you please repeat this? And what is your name and where are you calling from?"

LBPMS: My name is Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN and I am the holy Rebbetzin of the Holiest of Holies, the Sweetest of the Sweet, the Highest Expense Account of the Highest Expense Account, the Grand Rabbi of 150 Quintillion Souls, Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman of Creedmoor. I am his West Coast Rebbetzin and I process his donations from around the world.."

Operator: And where are you calling from?

LBPMS: Alcatraz, the Holy Land of our Community, which we have liberated from the forces of capitalist greed which sully the environment daily.

Operator: And where do you say Bin Laden is?

LBPMS: He is with my husband in Creedmoor. I just received eight donations for "Osama Moskowitz Bin Laden" from New York, New Jersey, Tennessee, South Carolina, Wyoming, Connecticut, Idaho and Quebec on his behalf via Electronic Transfer.

Operator: Thank you but I don't understand...

And at this point, his East Coast Rebbetzin cut in:

"Tell that Greek guy and that ugly Iranian that Bin Laden davens in my husband's shul and my husband takes his welfare cheques and cashes them for him as a favor.."

Operator: Please stay on the line. Help is on its way....

And with that, a social worker arrived at both Rebbetzins' residences and, after deciding that each one clearly needed extra assistance, 150000 emergency benefits transfers were made to each of the 100 or so personalities registered under each Rebbetzin's social security number (which exactly matched that of a certain Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman).

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

In Mourning: Schmoigerman Sits Motionless on Lawn; Tears Welfare Cheques


We have been informed by our usual spurious and fictitious sources that our beloved and benighted Admou"r, Dovid Schmoigerman, is in a state of deep depression L"A as a result of the much belated passing of his teacher, Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar "Nutter Kartel" in Al-Qods.

The Admou"r has been spotted wearing a completely intact yellow garbage bag as he sits on the front lawn of his D-ward yeshiva and shil complex, listlessly tearing welfare cheques that he would normally cash for 60 cents on the dollar with one of his Pakistani hawala transfer agents in Midwood.

The cheques are invariably made out to deceased or incarcerated recipients and are dated as far back as 1976, which can only be expected as the Schmoigerman multi quintillion soul welfare enterprise has been funded via EBT and not cheque for the last decade or so.

It is believed that Schmoigerman will claim back welfare and SSI for these departed and depraved ones, as well as attempt to collect additional SSI and prescriptions for saleable prescription anti-depressants to treat his own hopelessly depressed 150 quintillion personalities, who are all moaning to one another and crying over the departure to the subterranean hot springs of the one and only Moussa as-Sabih, better known as Moishe Hirsch, former Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Authority and confidante of the late Yasser Arafat YMS.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

"A Gitte Sryfe far Lag B'Oimer" -


"While we at Creedmoor do not celebrate the tzionish holiday of Lag BeOimer, and we consider Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai a tzioni because he did not surrender to the Romans or better yet visit Rome, we do accept that today is an auspicious day for a gitte sryfe because you can always blame the fire on the Zionists.

We recommend that you purchase property in the vicinity of a shul, yeshiva or other tzionish moisad today, using the hyliger method of the flip where you put down a deposit so you can sell the worthless property on to a real sucker.

You then transfer the entity to some phoney religious corporation such as "The Community of Strife and Baseless Hatred of The Budapest Subway System May It Be Rebuilt in Our Days" and make sure to buy insurance for your now tax exempt property.

Then, burn one Zionist flag soaked in kerosene per square meter (we DO NOT use yards as this is a Zionist measurement and the only yards we care about are old scrapyards and shipyards that we can set to blazes) in the shell of the property and document the fire.

Now that your property is a house of worship, you simply claim that you burned it down as part of a religious ceremony, namely burning the tzioinish flag on Lag BeOimer in solidarity with the Palestinians and Neturei Karta who are oppressed minorities.

Finally, not only should you claim insurance but you should apply for a bailout from the great friend of the oppressed minorities, Rabbynee Barack Hussein Obama. To get this, show how many low income tenants you had living on the property (remember every rat counts as 2 mice and every mouse as 10 roaches) and how much you are doing for diversity in Brooklyn or Queens or wherever your property was located.

Then, promise me, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, 90% and ACORN 120%. This is a guaranteed segile to avoid prosecution.."

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Long Creedmoorer Sefira Break


I am extremely busy with very non-Creedmoor work and find it hard to come up with much material now. I start themes and then have no time or inclination to return because my days are B"H occupied with well, more legitimate pursuits.

However, Creedmoor has become a sort of underground fixture of the frum Web and I have no intention of closing. Instead, I will maintain a reduced schedule from now until after the Three Weeks (which is of course the Creedmoorer sefira period, starting last night with Sreyfa shebeSreyfo), when I am sure I will have new material and will want to return.

Remember to count the Creedmoorer Sefira until the evening of 10 Av!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"Anoichi Yang Ying Roifecho" - A Month of Medical Scams in Creedmoor


The Tzionish month of Iyar is particularly accursed in Creedmoor as that is the month of the founding of the Tzioinish Entity.

But the Admou"r does agree that the month is connected to refieh (not to be confused with Rafiach where he has a couple of hashish fields) and it is in Iyar that he and his Chassidim are examined by the famous Chinese equine proctological acupuncturist Yang Ying.

And the diagnoses and treatments are a corrupt physician's dream, especially when it is very questionable as to whether the physician is not the same person as the most corrupt and indeed the only actual physical patient whom he treats.

Come back on Sunday to share in the medical discoveries of Dr Yang Ying, Certified Insurance Related Practitioner and Form Forger, wanted in three countries across two continents for gross malpractice and medical fraud, yet very hard to find since like most of the Creedmoor staff whose names appear on Medicaid, Medicare, disability, SSI and private insurance forms on Creedmoor, he seems to exist only on the welfare rolls.

Zait gezint!

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Admou"r: We count Sfira from 5 Iyar to 9 Av


The Admou"r meCreedmoor crawled out from the ruins of the rows of abandoned buildings in Washington D.C. which he burned to celebrate the passage of the ObamaCare bill and made the following proclamation:

"It has been our minhag, always spelled backward, to count Sfiras haOimer during the period from Yom HaAtzamois on 5 Iyar until the Feast of the Beginning of Our Golus on 9 Av. During this period, it is meritorious to burn Zionist flags both in garbage cans belonging to the Zionist entity and in buildings which are abandoned except for insurance purposes. When reciting the sfira, one recites the number corresponding to the day, and the Creedmoor sfiros of skila, sryfo, hereg, henek, koreys as follows, skila shebeskilo, sryfo shebeskilo etc etc etc. In addition, if one is burning an insured building he should recite the names of all policyholders on the insurance records as well as all the insurance companies which underwrite the policy - for instance Schmendrick Wurstberger, Chaye Behyme Wurstburger, Koirach Wurstburger Trust, Generali, Allstate, AIG, Lloyd's, State Farm.

Only by mourning the rise of the Zionist entity through the purification of fire can we maintain this Golus that is now even kinder to us since we of Creedmoor will be eligible for even more benefits under ObamaCare."

Friday, April 02, 2010

Lecha Doidi Creedmoor Style - With Apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine


My apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine for turning the original song (YW) and the great English version, based on a real story (BL) into a parody (and of course to Rav Shlomo Alkabetz ZYA), but this is no holds barred Creedmoor where everything goes.

Unsolicited Recommendation: if you don't have the Werdyger and Levine albums get them NOW while you can still listen: "Bayis Neemon beYisroel" and "Touched by a Niggun"

In a Federal courtroom on a morning so gray
The bored jury counted down to the day
That the judge would sentence Shmeel for arson again
And send him off to prison for a good five to ten

But in a corner sat the guilty man
Doing anything to avoid a spell in the can
Suddenly words so familiar to the judge
Shmeel began to mercilessly fudge

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

In a tune that all wish had remained unheard
Screeched and screamed Shmeel the future jailbird
As candles flickered in his dark holding cell
But this was Tuesday, not Friday, he had to be unwell

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"What was he doing singing Lecha Doidi
In a coarse, raucous tune that irritated me
On a Tuesday morning in Manhattan, New York
For a Jewish judge who proudly ate pork?"

Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The charge was arson, for at least the third time
On the Three Strikes Law he could do life for his crime
But Shmeel der Brenner was determined you see
To convince the judge that he was totally cray-zee

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The judge heard the words, and suffered through the tune
He wondered if last night there had been a full moon
In any case Shmeel was nuts as he could see
Only a nut started Tuesday with Lecho Doidi

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The judge said these words that gladdened Shmeel's heart:
"I happen to be Jewish, though I don't look the part
And when I went to camp years and years ago
We sang Lecha Doidi on Friday night you know!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"The sentencing guidelines in your case are clear
You are criminally insane, away you go for a year
To Creedmoor, dear Creedmoor, to a padded cell
And after that you will surely be well!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

So off to Creedmoor went Shmeel with glee
Still in his bathrobe singing Lecho Doidi
They escorted him off to a clean padded cell
And told him they would let him out when he's well

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

And that first Shabbos, just before Friday night,
The brand new psychiatrist recoiled in fright
Shmeel the Firebug lit candles with glee
And the cell caught fire as he sang Lecho Doidi

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"Doctor, dear Doctor, I meant no harm
But collecting on this one is a real charm
I put fire insurance on this rubber room too
Now let me go home and I'll share it with you!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

But this time the scheme came to a bad end
The shrink was a Muslim and by no means a friend
Shmeel was sent away to a koilel run by the Feds
And they stopped his pills when he was caught selling the meds!

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

And Dr Mohammed Khan collected every cent
On the policy for the cell that was zer shtark farbrent
But when the police caught on to his game
To Karachi he was deported, his head bent in shame

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

Sunday, March 28, 2010

We'll Be Back After Pesach


I won't be around much if at all during Pesach, so unless I do find a chance to move the Toldois posts here as I wanted to, there will be no updates or changes until the end of (our, not Creedmoorer) Pesach 5770.

We certainly will be back with coverage of any and all Creedmoor activities which took place while the rest of Klal Yisroel was celebrating yetzias Mitzrayim and the Creedmoorimlach were reveling in the knowledge that "ilu hoyo shom, loi hoyo nigal".

A kasher un freilichen Pesach, and remember that the Pesach hotel they send you to for overzealous kashering of insured property really isn't all that luxurious!

Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher and the staff of Der Shygetz and Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Admou"r's Tzioinish Pysach Directives


11 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431
Creedmoor Beis Medrash, Pluto, Furthest Reaches of Golus May It Be Prolonged Until the End of Days!

"It pains me in an unfathomable way to hear that hyliger Yiddelach who walk in the hyliger flickering one watt light bulb of chassidis Creedmoor, even to the point that they recite "Shiksa Arann" repeatedly when walking the hyliger beaches of that most hyliger part of the Zionist Entity, namely Tel Baruch, are still observing the tzioinish yom tov of Pysach, which is against all that generations of our hyliger manhigim, going back to Koirach, Doson veAbiram and before that to the Chassidim of Sdoim veAmoira, may they be speedily rebuilt and just as speedily reburned for insurance, stood for and never sat down for.

While it is permissible for Yidden who are "naki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis" to sell matzois and other provisions to Tzioinim at inflated prices and to accept food stamps for same, it is NOT permitted to become a part of their idolatrous sedorim and other celebrations! We must remember that our goal is to return to the state of avdus in Mitzrayim, and never, ever, to live in the tzioinish entity!

Therefore, this year I am requesting that NO gitte sryfos take place on Monday 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431, which corresponds to the time when tzioinim koifrim will be burning their chometz, which of course we eat every day of their holiday which to us has the same disgusting and kefiradige insignificance as Yom haAtzamois (Youm an-Nakba).

Our gabboim and insurance adjusters will NOT be available on 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar under ANY circumstances and in fact our messira squad, those holiest of the holy who are moiser every nefesh and moiser every neshomo who does not share in the take with them, will be reporting every suspicious fire in all five boros and Rockland County so that the appropriate authorities arrest all who are taking part in the barbaric and wasteful ceremonies of the tzioinish chometz sryfos.

And we remind all that the yahrtzeit festival of April 1 will be postponed this year until April 10 so that it does not coincide chas vesholom with the tzionish pysach."

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"Aish Sameach - Byse Loozer" The New BT Yeshive of Creedmoor


"Aish Sameach" (The Joyous Fire) is of course the title of one of the greatest sforim ever written, a guide to the proper and efficient burning of insured property that is attributed to the hyliger elter zyde of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaGoon Kalman Elozor (known as Kalman Loozer) Schmoigerman of Shady Acres, an 132 year old goises who is mysteriously listed as residing in "Shady Acres and Shadier Deals Rest Home," one of the many nursing homes and psychiatric convalescent centers which receive Medicare and Medicaid subsidy transfers that land in the Admou"r's many offshore bank accounts on behalf of patients who have serious medical issues that affect their very existence and therefore make it very difficult to prove same.

Now, you can learn the only true derech in Yiddishkeit, that of self proclaimed kanoius, and sinas chinam in the guise of true devotion to the Torah of our three Avois (Koirach, Doson and Abirom). If you cannot adjust to life in the real world, are going through a temporary crisis that you want to turn into a permanent disaster, or are a teenager looking to shock your parents while living a lifestyle that is minimally socially acceptable, Aish Sameach - Byse Looser is the place for you!

Our courses include:

"Proving to Your Friends and Parents That They Are Koifrim Whom You Need Not Respect"

"How Torah Codes Predict the Destruction of Reform and Conservative Judaism Along With the Zionist Entity in 2015"

"Parnosso Training 1: An Introduction to Schnorring"

"Parnosso Training 2: Federal Benefits Programs; Parnosso While Learning for A Life Without Productive Work"

"Parnosso Training 3: Dina deMalchusa Dina Does Not Count for Anyone who Is Not One of Ours: How to defraud the government, consumers and business partners for fun and profit and sending your children to our yeshivas"

"The Fallacy of Ahavas Yisroel: Why You Must Curse Anyone Who Does Not Agree With Our Derech to a Misse Mashine and Worse!"

"Stories that Teach Yiros Shamayim: Hear first hand how those who had a chance to do tshive our way but did not are suffering in this world and in the depths of Gehennom!"

"Athletic Instruction: Improving Your Rock Throwing Techniques: Who cares if you were last to be picked for softball games! We will turn you into the Babe Ruth of Shabbos demonstrations in no time!"

After a mere month of our intense course work, you will be out on the streets of Boro Park making sure people repent-or else!

Admission is free of charge to anyone who can obtain a Pell Grant and makes a committment to three years of fundraising for our Yeshiva.

Extracurricular activities include: Fundraising, Rock Throwing, Running from Police, Hiding from Pell Grant Inspectors, and More!

Start your journey to true fanaticism and the real kanois that is so lacking in our generation! We guarantee that you will develop BT Syndrome within a month or we will take back your Pell Grant!

Why be a plain loser when you can learn at Byse Loozer?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Toldois Creedmoor: The Schmoigerman Chassune


(I will move the rest of the Toldois blog posts back here as well and close the Toldois blog when I do. This follows from the last Toldois blog post about Kalman Schmoiger who became the first schmoiger to bear the Schmoigerman surname).

Now a wealthy man in Ruthenian terms thanks to his army recruitment schemes, and at the very ground floor of his soon to be famous tontine investment scheme, the time had come for Kalman Schmoigerman to marry.

To be sure, there was no girl in Ruthenia who would even so much as look at Kalman Schmoigerman, despite his great wealth.

Years of inbreeding going back to the times of isolation of the deMenubal clan in cliffbound Montetres had produced a specimen as revolting as he was reprehensible. Kalman Schmoigerman was said to be the prototype for anti-Semitic cartoons, as he was cursed with a beaklike nose, a pinched face, a bent back, rounded shoulders, and a stature considered short even for the time and place of his birth. His beady eyes, black as vultures, rounded out the picture of a man who looked on the outside exactly as he was on the inside.

So who was he to marry?

The answer came from nearby Nagyszar, a village located on the Hungarian side of the regional border. Her name was Schprintza Schvartz, but she was actually named for a common ancestor of both chosson and kalla, namely Senzasperanza de Menuval. And her original name was Swarcsmuk, for she was a descendant of the successful and ehrlich Yehuda der Schmuckler, a jeweler from the Rhineland who had settled in Hungary and unknowingly married a de Menubal, who had been adopted from her dysfunctional family by a childless couple who raised her as would befit the daughter of a renowned talmid chochom and his wealthy wife.

Therefore, his wife Rochel was indeed a pleasant, kind and gentle woman who seemed to have escaped the curse of her Sodomite ancestors.

However, the Swarcsmuk name and dynasty came to be because Shmarya, known as Schmendrik, who one of her four sons with this jeweler, reverted to de Menuval type.

At the time of the passing of their father, the four sons were supposed to have received equal shares of the inheritance, for Yehuda der Schmuckler, a talmid chochom and baal chesed who never expected to live as long as he did, had given the bechor, Nissan, his double portion years ago, and Reb Nissan subsequently left Hungary to establish himself in London.

However, the other two brothers faced ruin, for the reprobate Schmendrik attempted to obtain the bulk of the fortune by summoning them to the beis din of Szarkonosvary and Arszvary, an unrecognized institution which served two very remote and isolated towns known for their ignorance. The dayan, Koirach Wercberger, who was probably an ancestor of Ku Klutz Karta - Manchester stalwart and excomunicatee Ahron Cohen, was as incompetent as he was corrupt and after receiving a handful of counterfeit crowns from the litigant, he decided the case as follows:

Nissan, the oldest - all white jewels
Shmarya Schmendrik, the litigant - all black jewels
Moishe, the largest in size - all large jewels
Chaim Yankel, the smallest in size - all small jewels

The other two brothers in Hungary, as well as Nissan in London, simply equitably combined and then redivided that which they were awarded and went about with their lives as ehrlicher Yidden. Indeed, many Hungarian Jews could be descended from them, for they took the names Weisz, Grosz and Klein respectively in a comical reference to the comical beis din case when forced to take surnames. (Other sources say that a corrupt bureaucrat tried to solicit a bribe from the two brothers who remained in Hungary, and when neither one was willing to play along, he assigned the name Grosz to the diminutive Chaim Yankel and the name Klein to Moishe, a veritable mountain of a man, albeit as decent and honest as he was huge and strong.)

But Shmarya Schmendrik boldly took the name of Swarcsmuk (pronounced Schvartzschmuck) because he was so proud at having received what he passed off, rightfully or wrongfully as priceless pieces of onyx and black pearls.

By then, the name Swarc or Schwarz had been bestowed on many a Jew in the region, and because Shmarya Swarcsmuk had developed a reputation as a complete reprobate who regularly dealt in counterfeit stone and metal along with stolen merchandise, those Schwartzes began to refer to him as Smuk (Schmuck) so as to make sure they were not assumed to be related to him.

Of course, a century or so later, with the first Jewish immigration to the United States, that innocent German word for jewel which had become associated with this most corrupt of men would in time enrich the American English lexicon as a somewhat risque word for a fool.

Kind, gentle Rochel, the wife of the late Yehuda der Schmuckler and mother of the four sons, could take no more after the absurd beis din case. After a month of hearing of Shmarya Schmendrick's shameful post litigation escapades, she knew her time had come. She also knew that she had to tell her story to her reprobate son, so that he knew from whence he had emerged.

She summoned Schmendrick to her bedside, and her son obeyed only because he knew he could relieve her of her valuables once she slipped into her final sleep.

And before she began her journey to Gan Eden, she told her son: "You are the continuation of the curse! You, how did I believe I would escape this! I was adopted by a talmid chochom and his rich wife, a childless couple who were told by the rov of my village to rescue me from my own parents who were always traveling and often in prison. Rumors were that I was a deMenubal but boruch Hashem even now I don't look like one, maybe my father wasn't who he was supposed to be, maybe my real mother was divorced, who knows anymore? My father's mother and father were cousins, because they were the grandchildren of that Yachne Shprintza Menivelman who everyone said was cursed, that her great-grandmother was Senz'Esperanza from Montetres, in Spain, from the de Menubals who ran the three card games and got thrown out of Spain for that long before the rest of the Yidden were. My son, when I saw what you did to your brothers, and how Hashem protected them as He protected Yaakov from his brother through His shaliach the Szarkonosvary Dayan, I know it is you who will be cursed forever, for bringing back the curse of Senz'Esperanza, of the Hopeless One. Listen to me! You must name your first daughter Shprintza and make sure she marries only another de Menuval. The de Menuvals are known in Ruthenia by our oldest and most accursed name that we got before korban bayis sheini, and they are called Shoiteh, Menivel, Gas Ruach, which is sometimes shortened to Schmoiger. Otherwise this curse will continue through you until the end of time! If you do that then the rest of your children will be saved and even Shprintza will live in great wealth that will pass through for generations!"

After her son agreed to follow her instructions (a given as it turns out because Shprintza did not grow up to be fit for anyone else besides a de Menuval - Schmoiger), Rochel, the wife of Yehuda der Schmuckler, fell into a coma that was followed a week later by her passing. And once her reprobate son cleaned her luxurious abode, his very childhood home, of every thing of value, he ran off on a stolen horse to send word to his brothers, who arrived in time to assure she would be properly buried and remembered for her life of good deeds rather than for her reprobate son. Hardly in need themselves, they were not surprised at all that nothing of value remained in the home but they did not have the desire to pursue their brother.

The gravestone under which she would rest listed Shmarya Schmendrik as having predeceased her on the day of the beis din case, which was in line with a cherem issued against him by several legitimate rabbonim. And Mamme Rochel was mourned throughout the land, with no mention made of Shmarya Schmendrik except by some who said, "She was not Rochel but Rivka, for she was such a fine lady but she had three Yaakovs and an Esav for sons."

And that fictitious date of death inscribed in stone would serve Shmarya Schmendrik's future son in law in good stead. After marrying Schmendrik's shrewish Shprintza in a ceremony held at one of the many Schmoigerman bawdy houses, and officiated by none other than the now completely senile Dayan of Szarkonosvary and Arsvary, Kalman Schmoigerman and his new eizer legamrei negdo Shprintza would mastermind the very first haimishe insurance fraud, the "Naye Karpatische Tontine" scheme.

Since it depended on the masterminds' ability to prove that participants had died before the expiration of the policies (today known as term life policies but with a rather odd payoff provision that meant the sum of the policy would end up with the last survivor), a funeral was duly held for what was billed to be the corpse of Shmarya Swarcsmuk, dredged up from sea after a terrible shipwreck.

In reality, Shmarya Swarcsmuk was simply, with the emphasis on simply because he had moved to Arsvary (known in Yiddish as Oisvorf) known under his more accurate epithet of Schmendrik Schmuck, and no Oisvorfer (later shortened to Oisvorf) was literate enough to read a gravestone in a far off village. But they and their Szarkonosvary neighbors were gullible enough to buy life insurance in its primitive tontine form from the "Karpatianer Tontine Gescheft".

As for the rest of the participants who were needed to predecease the Schmoigermans so as to enrich them, well, the title of the next installment of the Schmoigerman saga is:

"They Shoot Horses, Don't They"

(more coming by Sunday IYH)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Controversial Wakeup Alarm Flies by Night



This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.

"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"

"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"

"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!

Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.

Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.

The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.

FAQ: Ecumenical Tefillin


We are pleased to have received inquiries from madrassa students, psychiatric patients and prisoners from Waziristan to Michigan, and we are thankful to Rabbis Pashkvilkemacher and Schmoigerman for helping us answer the fine halachic points found on the questioners' heads:

1) Do you offer Hindu and Buddhist tefillin as well?

Sure. We offer a five in one set that includes a set of Hindu verses chosen by Shiv Sena activists in the tefillin shel regel smoili, and a picture of Buddha inside the tefillin shel regel yemini.

2) Do you sell spare retzuois?

Sure. However, the detonator retzuois for the shel rosh are usually single use only unless defective. If defective, we will provide new ones shipped direct to your place of detention or incarceration.

3) Whose hechsherim are available on the tefillin?

All tefillin are certified by the Rabbinical Board of Interfaith Understanding and Reconciliation, led by Sheikh Moussa al-Dib Beck, Pat Buchanan, and Mullah Omar. Actual verses are inspected by trained soifrim and explosives experts from Yeshiva veMidrassas Hamas veTaliban of Monsey, London and al-Qods as-Sharif.

4) Am I yotze mitzvas tefillin with only one shel yad?

If you ask that question, besser you should put on the shel rosh first and hit it hard, preferably in an open field or a very heavily insured warehouse in DUMBO.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Another sponsor message: "Ecumenical Tefillin Center"


Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:

1) Poshutim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.

Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.

Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.

2) Poshutim Mehudarim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.

Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.

Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!

3) Super Mehadrin

Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.

Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.

Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.

All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.


Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Endorsed by:

Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden


"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.

"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.

Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

More Talking Behemas: Perek Shiras Creedmoor part 2


And the amoeba sang: "Admou"r, your Chassidim do a better job than us when it comes to dancing on a pinhead, for they are truly as microscopic as a hundredth of a grain of sand, yet they all have names and get welfare, for so great are the deeds of our hyliger Admou"r!"

And the hippopotamus sang: "Admou"r, every time I look at your rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne, I sing shira to Hashem that there is at least one creature in this universe that is uglier and nastier than I am!"

And the Listeria bacterium sang: "Admou"r, thank you for selling so many of us in your new butcher shop!"

And the dodobird sang: "If you want America to go the way I did, re-elect Barack Obama in 2012"

And the jackass sang: "Hashem Hee Malkynee" way off tune in the streets of Teheran and the pathways of the Dehaishe refugee camp...

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Perek Shira Creedmoor Style


The Admou"r did not celebrate Purim last Sunday as he did not wish to offend Ahmadinejad, Ahron Cohen and others among his faithful Chassidim. Instead, he is beginning Purim today, which he probably thinks is Mardi Gras because in Creedmoor Sunday and Tuesday are both days when the Welfare Bank of Creedmoor is closed except for emergencies.

Today, he has issued a new version of Perek Shira, in which selected animals sing quite loudly and off tune. Here are the first of the forty creepy, crawly creatures to sing the praises of the Admou"r as they illustrate how one must act toward the government and insurance companies to be a real Creedmoorer:

And the rat sings: "If you have too many of me they won't certify your buildings for Section 8 so better you should just give me and my friends names and Social Security numbers so you sign us all up for welfare too!"

And the cockroach sings: "Even when you burn down your buildings, we survive, and we'll survive after Ahmadinejad blows up the rest of you poor schnooks!"

And the termite sings: "Let us breed and eat in peace because enough of us around and you won't have to burn down the house for insurance because it will fall down on its own!"

And the dog sings: "Admou"r, I am so happy you don't rent your vacant stores out to Korean restaurants because I value my life but I need to remind you from time to time that even in Creedmoor I am treyf!"

And the pig sings: "With the kashrus the way it is at your glatt shlachthoizen, you might as well knock me over the head and serve me at your daughter's chassune!"

And the stool pigeon sings the song of Solomon (Dwek): "I'll moiser my own mother for a month off my sentence, and my grandfather in der kever I'll moiser oichet if you let me off with probation and a fine for my multimillion dollar Ponzi scam!"

(more later in the week as we get ready for Creedmoorer Purim on April 1)

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Adar ain't over yet...


so get ready for some new Creedmoor over the next week or so IYH!

The Admou"r apologizes for his recent absence as he has forged eleven hundred death certificates for his own very self in order to add twelve new waterbeds to his kever. He will indeed be back as soon as enough water is trucked in from Iran to fill the beds!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Please Comment: Should I Go Back to One Blog?


As you are probably aware, I am very erratic when it comes to updating Creedmoor. I am not a professional satirist, and because of the nature of this material I don't feel right monetizing this blog. Therefore, I do it in my (very) spare time and don't really have a plan or a system as to what I write or when.

Does anyone read the second blog (Toldois) or should I put the posts from there back up here and just write whatever I feel like writing whenever I have a chance, whether it is a new scam or a "yichus breef" (historical fiction and satire) post?

Please comment and let me know. You will be entered into a contest in which you can win four food stamps signed by the Admou"r himself and a coupon for "Porky Schmoiger's Kosher Pork Rinds" good at any shaitelmacher or shtreimel shop that accepts Czarist era EBT cards.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Finally: Ismail Daoud Weiss: Live and Uncut ( he an orel?)


Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Imam Weiss.

IDW: The title please is Ayatollah. I was elevated to Ayatollah last year when I was in Iran. I used some of my IranAir mileage points but it was worth it.

Did you get smicha the same way?

IDW: Nisht azoy. I got it as a gift one year, mit a shuluch munis package.

What? You got smicha in a shuluch munis package? That explains your great scholarship and wise hashkofos!

IDW: Yes. Someone sent by me a package, a basket from kokosh cake, wine, a few screws, a can from corn, and a letter that say I have smicha from Yeshivas Timtum haLyve d'Bohack.

Bohack? This must have been ages ago! Bohack is out of business for decades now!

Sure. I get this smicha, I am 14 years old geven. Ahmadinejad, Haniyeh, Moishe Beck, Friedman der koifer before he went off fin der derech, they are all recognizing it?

Recognizing it for what? A Purim prank?

No!! The only smicha given by Yeshiva Waldbaum iz yodin yodin! I bring it the next day to myne yeshive, write on the certificate yodin yodin and I am gettink three rabbis to sign it. You are thinking someone else's smicha is any different? Really I did lern a shtickel in a madrassa near Atlantic Evenue last year..

What did you learn?

I learn where is Gaza and det it isn't a part fin Iran, it's a part fin Palestine, that is once occupied by the tzioinim.

So why did you choose now to go?

You know, it is such a pity. We just wasn't getting no news. Friedman, der rooshe, he left us behind, den instead the biggest menivel becomes some frenk, some real shtick Dwek, and den comes Tropper der Litvak. We are always wantink to be ahead when it is coming to getting our names in der nayes far beink outrageous..

And what did you think of Gaza?

Such a nice place, such tzniusdige beaches, all the women so covered up, such a place for me and my four chavyrim to hang out. We make Shabbos by the beach hotel but the rebbetzins dey cook far inz.

So whose cholent did you eat?

Rebbetzin Haniye 1 and Rebbetzin Haniye 2, Gnendel and Byle, I am meanink Amal which is the Hamaser Rov's older wife and cousin and whatever is de name from the other one, it is so hard to remember, they is jealous one from the other and they contest with each other to make the best cholent de way myne 2 froien Gnendel and Byle do. So one is making with the sheep meat, and the other mit de goat, both they is schected by Ahron who is not seeink straight no more which is meaning it is far away from Tzioinis and derfar der beste shechita. I am liking much better Amal's cholent but the other wife she has on a nicer veil.

You have two wives?

No, I am meanink my wife and myne tochter who is still at home. For me a wife, a tochter, der zelber zach, they must to stay veiled, and to cook and clean and to make me even food I am wanting at drye a zyger so I can have myne telephone-chavrusa mitten myne chavrusa in Iran when it is there late mornink and he is gettink up.

Who is your chavrusa?

A great doctor, he is responsible far all the Sharia emputations, you know, cuttink off der hentelach fin der tzioinim ganovim dorten. I think what he is feedink the hentelach to der lybe in der zoo but maybe we eat det in the Persian cholent is servink us inzerer hosts too.

And what about the Iranian cholent? Was it Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad's cholent?

Well, you are knowink det until he do tshive to get attention again, Mahmoudele's second wife iz geven Moishe Aryeh, I mean Moussa Assad oder affn Farsish Moussa Aslan Freakman but he is not knowink how to cook so we are havink cholent from his wife Azam, which is not so good, full from beans and dat is no good because we are lettink off too much hot air and is not fill from it enough. Really it is tastink bed and maybe is really gemacht mit der hentelach dat is choppink off fin the ganovim. Probably is making det recipe Freakman and Azam is not knowink no better how to feed Ingarisher hymisher guests and she use it she not knowink what iz in her fridge, I mean her ice box, because she not read too good.

Actually Moussa Assad, he insulted so much Azam, Azam Farahi s'iz Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, she just farshtayt nisht det he such how you say, a flyweight, he kent eat no more den drye spoonfuls fin chulent. So efter det she is also findink out he is havink affair mit her husband, and you know, all Gehennim is breakink loose, so Moussa'le, so Friedman, det shygetz, det idyot, he is becomink a tzioini all because he is engry from Azam. So sexadige dis Azam, mit her bedsheet even to cover der aygeloch, so I am understendink why Moussa so disappointed, but tzi geven a tzioini, det mean he go to Gehennim all fin der life, all over a love-trienkle!

And what about kiddush?

..You are wantink to know who is making kiddish and mit vus? Mahmoud, he let Ahron make far allemen, but Ismail, he is motzi us all mit a gless benzine. He say det he verkink on a new kind fin benzine det hiz hyliger suicide bombers ken trinkn and den dey setz demselves off. I say I am wantink to try dis for myne side business arsonizink old varehoizen in Sprink Velley but he say no, you blow yourself up too mit dis.

Thank you Ayatollah Ismail Daoud; I think we have heard enough from you for a while. See you after your next visit to Terroristan and we'll give you all the attention you deserve once again.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Admour meCreedmoor: My padded incoherent republic is a nuclear state


Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.

Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.

While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.

Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.

This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.

The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.

Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Please check out our Toldois blog for important news


Indeed, the Admou'r meCreedmoor is descended from a profiteer who restored the glory of the destroyed Sdom and Amorah as best he could, from a little restaurant and inn which was located in the salty no-go zone that developed after Churban Sdom (which is mourned by Creedmoorer Chassidim in a special set of kinois that are recited on 5 Iyar along with the kinois for Yom Ha'Atzmaois.

We will be back with the latest Creedmoorer news as soon as we locate the Admou"r who is either buried in the air conditioned platinum vault of his deluxe kever or flying high with his Alcatraz Rebbetzin somewhere between Pluto and Jupiter as he files several death reports so as to claim "peyger'n gelt" also known as death benefits and term life insurance payoffs.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction


Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.

The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.

All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.

The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.

Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.

We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.

We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.

This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.

We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.