Sunday, December 16, 2007

From the Future Creedmoorer Archives - "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta-man" Chanukah 5776

*Yes, I am back for one post, which I am posting today rather than on Nitel Nacht as I do not know where I will be on that august, or is it December, night*

Dr Michael Weinberg left Borough Park just after Shacharis, even though his flight back to Eretz Yisroel was scheduled to take off at 11:30 PM. For Dr Weinberg had been the Medical Director of the one and only Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital many years hence, and he was curious to see what had happened in the fifteen years since he moved to Yerushalayim to open a drug rehabilitation center.

He drove his rental Jeep Grand Cherokee, the same car he had driven when he resided in Monsey, so familiar to him even if this incarnation of his erstwhile vehicle was so much more advanced and computerized than the last one he had driven, along the familiar roads that connected Brooklyn with Queens. As was his custom every time he returned to the United States for a visit, he stopped off at one of the few stores he missed, Home Depot, to purchase some 220 volt rechargeable tools, for as the son of a successful building contractor, the doctor was born with a drill in his hand and still enjoyed maintaining his own home and office.

When he reached Creedmoor, his first stop after checking in with security was not the medical lounge or the new director's office. With the exception of a Dr Eugene Khaitman, Russian born and like Dr Weinberg himself Ivy League trained and now treating the imagined neuroses of the wives of the nouveau riche tycoons of his native S Petersburg, the hospital had been in the slippery, slimy hands of a succession of incompetent and corrupt graduates of butcher training institutes in Kolkat (formerly Calcutta), Chennai (formerly Madras), and Kabul (formerly the semi-paved capital of a semblance of a semi-inhabitable country). Never mind that our dear doctor does not speak a word of Hindi or Pashtun; he really had no interest in even smelling the non kosher curry which replaced the corned beef that was once served in his former office.

Instead, he headed straight for the infamous D-ward, also known as Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, where according to the last set of US welfare records, EU disability payments, and yes, Zionist entity Bituah Leumi handouts, ninety-three trillion patients resided in a ward designed for perhaps two dozen of the worst incurables known to the medical profession before the advent of Thorazine and its successors such as Haldol and Geodon. For this ward was the domain of the Admou'r meCreedmoor, who managed to convince bureaucracies across the world that every one of his imagined multiple personalities was a real person, eligible for welfare. And every so once in a while, he forged discharge records for a couple of trillion of his charges, assigned them to vacant buildings that were heavily insured, and produced documents showing the buildings had suffered severe fire or water damage.

Dr Weinberg expected to hear the familiar sounds of the Admou"r's off tune and off key and off the wall rendition of the famous Neturei Karta nigun "Hashem Hee Malyknee," for the doctor's planned short sojourn in Home Depot turned into a major shopping expedition that would send the doctor's luggage far into overweight territory. That meant that he had arrived at 3:45 PM, which was early Shacharis in Creedmoor.

Instead the doctor was treated to a rather raucous song that sounded vaguely familiar to him: "Pilgrim State if I forget you, let me use a hammer to bang in a screw...." Needless to say, such lyrics were a total insult and affront to the highly mechanically inclined doctor, and he wondered where in the world they were coming from. A second later, he met the source, wrapped in an orange plastic bag and soiled in all his glory: "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta Man!"

"Yechi, mon, yechi da melech da Halle Berry, ah mean Hayley Solass.." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" shouted Dr Weinberg, who knew full well from his years of experience with drug addicts that the once popular reggae singer would finish that last word with four letters which themselves form a word that means a void or a deep depression and is prefaced by "black" when it refers to an astronomical phenomenon or a losing investment.

"Hey, mon, dis real Chassid spirituality really turns me on! I left your lower worlds a long time ago when I was still kinda popular kauze I done had myself a habit taller than I is and dem Jews just didn't pay no more. So you know I ended myself up in Rikers and met the source of all spiritual expansion, mon, da Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe!"

Dr Weinberg did not even have to go through the trouble of finding the latest Patel psychiatrist in Creedmoor so that he could use his emeritus status at the hospital to obtain and read this new patient's chart. First of all, as a major Jewish music fan and amateur chazzan himself, he knew exactly whose stench was defiling his dalet amos (and realized how happy he was that he never let his children listen to the recordings of this performer in his heyday), and as an avid reader of the "haimishe" press, he was all too familiar with the latest star of the rather tame scandal pages of said press, namely "Gugunbosso Masriach Ben Doodoo Motokeke Adambobo", the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, a scam artist and unlicensed pharmaceutical retailer and wholesaler born and raised in the now largely Ethiopian slums of Be'er Sheva who now resides nine of every twelve months each year in a custom built duplex cell within the confines of Rikers Island, as he knows exactly in which qualities and quantities to peddle his wares so as never to land more than a 270 day Class C Felony sentence. While incarcerated, this miscreant mashpia enriches his burgeoning coffers by selling various psychedelic pharmaceuticals to prisoners, guards and staff alike, all under the supervision of a warden whose own habit renders him oblivious to the goings on among his charges, and whose political connections render him undismissable until such time as his substance abuse causes his body to malfunction at the same level as his three remaining brain cells.

Since New York was back in the hands of the looney left, the three strikes rule was unheard of outside Yankee Stadium, so the Reggae Rebbe was able not only to spend three months of every year peddling poison in his beloved Bushwick, but also to spearhead, or is it spearchuck, a major new religious movement. This new Chassidus was based on some Ethiopian cult which in turn gave rise to rasta, combined with Dimona/Chicago Black Hebrew drug and food fetish theology, and just plain greed. Having learned from Israeli criminals who put on black yarmulkes during their trials and got away with reduced sentences, he pronounced himself a rabbi, and showed an ordination certificate from a yeshiva that just happened to share an address with a notorious Russian pork restaurant in Be'er Sheva.

And one day, a Chassidic reggae performer, who was nearing the end of his fifteen minutes of fame and found it difficult not to use substances that he had used in his pre-Chassidic past (especially as he had now exhausted and moved on from fifteen different versions of Chassidus, from Chabad to Tosh to yes, Creedmoor), ended up arrested and sent to Rikers for pre-trial detention after he consumed said substances on the rickety stage of a Harlem dive.

Once in Rikers, he met his new spiritual guide and mentor (or perhaps misguide and dementor) the one and only Reggae Rebbe. The Rebbe welcomed his new Chossid in his typical way - with free samples of substances that would mean that the new Chossid could easily spend nine whole months with his Rebbe - and that is what happened especially as the Rebbe had several judges in his (brown and yellow) spotted loincloth pocket.

But the spiritual high which his new Rebbe purveyed would have a disastrous effect on the performer, whose few remaining neurons were misfiring as often as the pistons of the 1967 Volvo that Dr Weinberg had rescued from an Israeli dump and was intending to renovate for over a year now until his wife, like himself a physician from a wealthy home, put down her Manolo Blahnik clad foot and insisted that he either finish with the car or fill it with gunpowder and ship it off to some chain smoking mechanic in Ramallah (Dr Chana Doueck Weinberg was a Syrian Jew who did not exactly have much use for Muslims, even if neither she nor her husband, Agudah voters to the core, cared much for the State of Israel that they nevertheless supported with tax money and much volunteer medical work). That meant that he could not be held in a correctional facility, but instead, as it was said he rapped on the way to his new home: "Da Jah say my fate to be Rebbe Pilgrim State!"

Yes, the performer, now named Misyovon by the frum physician who evaluated him, was on his way to Pilgrim State, an institution to which even Creedmoor and G-building pale in comparison. As the Admou'r's antics were well known by now, and Misyovon had confessed to being a Creedmoorer Chossid for three weeks four years hence, Creedmoor was supposed to be off limits for Misyovon.

But Pilgrim State was slated for closure, and its three remaining patients under the age of 90 were summarily and sub-intelligently sent to the now fully decayed, dilapidated and decadent Creedmoor facility.

And that is why Dr Weinberg, stymied in his attempt to visit the Admou"r who spends Chanikeh in his warmer Alcatraz abode, was serenaded with: "From the forest itself come da ganja which I lack cause dem Jews dey done stabbed me in da back. Took dem years to see through my reggae act chop em down chop em down chop em down chop em down..."

Dr Michael Weinberg, whose purchases at Home Depot included a large cordless circular saw that could easily be recharged using the flickering 110 volt current at Creedmoor just as easily as the 220 volts that powered his large home in Har Nof, was seriously tempted to "chop down" Misyovon using said saw. But knowing full well that such an act would be ossur al pi halacha and might land HIM a berth near the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, he simply walked out to his rented vehicle as he sang to himself: "He did it all for GELT, some quick and easy GELT, now he's singing nonsense in a dunce cap made of FELT!"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

"A Shabbos in Creedmoor" - song parody

Music: A Shabbos in Mezhbizh

The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor

Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor

A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The rest fin der (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Kvestiyonaire

4) From velcher yeshivos or seminaries heve you lernt or expelled geven?

a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel

b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven

c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).

5) From who is your father havink smicha?

a) Satmar

b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin

c) Reb Sholam Weiss

6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day

a) Not worth from thinking about

b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar

c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.

7) To what music you are listenink?

a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa

b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich

c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!

8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?

a) Nyne

b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele

c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in ""

Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.

You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.

You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.

You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare

You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.

Urgent Request!

Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:

We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.

So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The All New (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Questionnaire

Dis kvestiyenayre iz multiple choice. Now, I know dat by unz, multiple means meny, like, you know, multiple velfare eplikayshenz, but dis time it means you are to make ONE choice from der list far each question:

1) From what color is your tablecloth?

a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.

b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.

c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!

2) What is doing dyne tatte?

a) Er iz a roov in a shil.

b) Er iz a meshilich

c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.

3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?

a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein

b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach

c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)

(more to come tomorrow)

Thursday, August 02, 2007

The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form!

Yes, here it is. The form that everyone from Williamsburgh to Monsey to New Joel to Square Circle has been waiting for. The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form! Velfare, Sectzhen Acht, Medikaid, Disability, SSI, HEAP, all in one easy to chap form, written af Hymish of course:

1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).

2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).

3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?

4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?

5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)

6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):

____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer

7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer

8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________

9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________

10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?

11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?

12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?

13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).

Monday, July 23, 2007

Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av

For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.

Or, you can join us and


Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!

For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Der Admou"r's A Con - Lyrics!

They went down to the welfare office
To get a check
And one tried to get more
Because he was
A shtick dreck

Der Admou"r fin Creedmoor
That is his name
Welfare fraud and scamming
That is his game
Two thousand years in prison he deserves!

Con, con, the Admou"r's a con
He gets enough welfare
For a thousand men
And then he has the chutzpah
To apply again
That ganif should sit for years and years! (repeat)

He burns down houses that he doesn't even own
Forges signatures to get a low cost loan
Signs up phantom patients for oxygen and chairs
Sells the stuff at whatever the market will bear!
And even launders money for Syria and Iran!


But we all love the Admou"r anyway
From him we sometimes get a dollar a day
We sign our names on papers
That we can't read
To get the Admou"r money
That he doesn't need
He's stolen enough for thirteen centuries!


Now everyone says that I have stolen this song
And I'll tell you something, they really aren't wrong
But my version is so silly
That no one cares
And all I made was a food stamp and a half!


Loosely based on Dschingis Khan, 1979 Eurovision entry by German band of the same name, and Yidden, Yidden, by Mordechai Ben David. I will split one euro-cent lengthwise and send it to each creator upon request.


Among the myriad dupes, shills, fellow travelers and phantom multiple personalities who reside in D-ward is a rather odd fellow who calls himself Rubin, in homage to the mediocre boxer and accomplished violent felon (sextuple murderer, according to some sources) Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. Since the Admou"r is so very enamored of felons, he summarily converted Rubin to Creedmoorer Chassidus, using an WMA to mp3 converter and a catalytic converter along with his standard 110 to 220 volt converter.

For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.

Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.

And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.

In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.

And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."

Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.

In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.

But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!

Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction

Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.

No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.

Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.

Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.

All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.

So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Nancy Pelosi to Visit Iran - Only Der Shygetz Knows Why!


Der Shygetz has learned that the reason for Nancy Pelosi's trip to Iran is connected with her upcoming marriage. What we now need to verify is whether she will join the Ahmadinejad harem, which now consists of three wives, twenty sheep, and one billy goat, or whether she will be given as a gift to the illustrious Moshe Aryeh Friedcircuits*, who is apparently close to divorcing his wife Leah, but who is also married to Fatima and Farida Friedcircuits, both of whom were born to a Muslim qadi and his sister in Ramallah.

*Given the many well known and respected personages in the Jewish community who bear Moshe Aryeh's birth surname, and the fact that his family does not agree with his activities, we will from now on refer to him only by the Creedmoor Farsi version of his surname, which, we have learned, was legally bestowed upon him by Dr Weinberg of Creedmoor (more to come on this next week once we have the full information regarding Pelosi).

Monday, April 02, 2007

Life Imitates Art - The Beck/NK residence is burning!

The Neturei Karta USA headquarters (NB: the correct name for these punks is Ku Klux Karta) at 102 Saddle River Road, Monsey, NY, is burning. Arson is suspected; the building's inhabitants, the desteemed and extingushed Beck (Dreck) couple, Imam and Sheikha Moussa Bashir Beck (Dreck) are conveniently spending Pesach in London (with one or more of their lacklusterous offspring, who indeed make up the rotten apple core of the so-called NK in England).

I smell Creedmoor. Once arson is confirmed, I will give this blessed event the coverage it deserves.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Creedmoorer Matzo Prices for 2007

Creedmoor MehaDreck Grocery and the Creedmoor Polymer Refinery and Matzo Bakery are proud to announce the following prices for Shmura Matzo Neki Mekoil Chashash Tzioinis this year:

Plywood Rounds from Cuban Grapefruit Trees (Mehadrin fin der Mehadrin) - 950 foodshtempelach der fint or 12000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a kilogram.

Pressed Sawdust Squares from Malaysian Hardwoods (Acceptable Bedieved for Those what Kennot Digest Plywood) - 825 foodshtempelach der 12 ountze fint oder 11000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a Kilogram

Super Yoshon Wheat Flour Rounds (far koifrim who ektually make der Tzioni brooches hamoitzi on matzo) - 65 foodshtempelach der 10 ountze fint oder 10000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forintlach far a Kilogram. Super Yoshon is meanink vus der flour iz geven in a demp warehouse far at least tzein yohr before der Admou'r got aross der flour far bakink end of course gebrent der warehouse far insurance.

If dis yohr der Admou"r again is kenselling Pesach, we are very sorry but if you come tzi inz far a refund we tell you like alveys: "Shaygetz Aross". You keep tryink end inzerer Creedmoor Honer Guards Tznius Patrol zig tzi dir "Shecht'im Ooon a Broooche!"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Friedmans and Werdyger Announce Baby Leasing Plan

The now divorced parents of Moshe Aryeh Friedman have long been trying to come up with a way of preventing another tragedy like their misbegotten son from inflicting itself upon the Jewish community. And Mendy Werdyger of Aderet Music has been quite successful in attracting ridicule for his new scheme of leasing music albums rather than selling them, in a harebrained attempt at putting a damper on the very real problem of copying albums.

So, the Friedmans, both jointly and separately, have joined with Werdyger, as well as leading obstetricians and hospitals which service the haimishe community, to put together a baby leasing plan which would allow for parents to break leases on defective offspring of the Moshe Aryeh Friedman variety.

However, given the confession of the cleaning lady who was responsible for the brain dislocation that makes Moshe Aryeh Friedman what he is today, we wonder how a leasing scheme can prevent future Freaky Freedies.

Depending on just where Yehuda Meshi Zahav of Zaka fame supposedly socked little Moshe Aryeh, there just might be a chance of preventing any more Friedman offspring from the Moshe Aryeh line, but given that even those who reject evolution agree that acquired traits are not inherited, damage to Moishele's reproductive capability would only benefit the Austrian government which would then be able to cap welfare benefits to Freaky Freedy at his present family size.

We will have more on this when the Friedmans and Werdyger return from their meeting with the one and only rabbinical authority who will agree to give his imprimatur to such a scheme, namely the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Newsflash: Cleaning Lady Confesses

Danuta Gowniska is a pathetic, misbegotten excuse for a woman. The ugly, stunted and generally miserable daughter of Polish collaborators from the village of Osiołek (not far from a well known center of Jewish life), she claimed that she had helped to save Jews during World War 2 (and promised to vote Democrat once naturalized), which landed her a coveted visa to the United States and a ticket out of Communist Poland. Like many of her ilk, she worked cleaning homes in the Williamsburgh and Boro Park sections of Brooklyn, where she was often treated like what she really is not - namely a decent human being. And unlike many of her ilk, her lies were discovered and she was sent straight back to Poland after about 20 years in the United States.

Now a toothless, alcoholic old crone, Gowniska summoned reporters from the local "Gazeta Prosiaszka Osiołeszka" so that she could share her secret - namely that in 1975 or 1976 she placed a baby named Moshe Aryeh Friedman in a washing machine and ran it at high speed. When she removed the baby, the centrifugal force of the machine had done horrendous damage - namely forcing cerebral material into the region near the sphincter muscle. This caused Moshe Aryeh Friedman to develop a disability known as acute cerebrofecal syndrome, which affects a number of politicians, Israeli judges, and movie celebrities.

Gowniska was sentenced to 1 month of vodka deprivation, which is expected to put a far too timely end to her miserable existence on this earth. However, Neturei Karta is expected to pay for her burial and for a headstone marked with the title "Chassida Umois Hagoilem". This is notwithstanding the fact that Gowniska looks more like a sewer rat than a stork.

This information was later corroborated by psychiatrists at Creedmoor - more information to follow in part 4.

Monday, February 12, 2007


The Moshe Aryeh Friedman depicted here is a fictional misrepresentation of the real Moshe Aryeh Friedman. Neither I nor any other satirist, amateur or professional, could accurately report the deprivations and depredations of Moshe Aryeh Friedman of Vienna, confidant of neo-Nazis, terror supporters, and Ahmadinejad and laughingstock of even the anti-Zionist Chassidish communities throughout the world.

Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet - part 3

As could be expected, Moshe Aryeh Friedman took little interest in his studies, and he was not a stellar student, to put it mildly. One of his rebbeim, who was also his neighbor, would often say "I wish we were back in the old days in Budapesht where I could give Moishele such a potch he'd remember me forever!"

On the other hand, the little pipsqueak of a boy was a true busybody, the male equivalent of a yente, or perhaps more accurately, of the yente's more malicious counterpart, the yachne. He would listen in to every conversation, whether in school or at Creedmoor. While he had little interest in what went on in school, he would not hesitate to turn in his fellow schoolboys when he overheard usually exaggerated tales of their boyish pranks. But when it came to Creedmoor, somehow he became a precocious child who understood conversations about treatment of psychiatric illness.

This, too, held little interest for him once he found out that he could not successfully set up much of a black market in psychotropic drugs without getting on the bad side of an Indian and Pakistani medical mafia that already controlled same in the rapidly declining mental facility. So, he injected himself into the offices of the social workers, who were charged with the all important task of obtaining benefits for their addled charges. In the offices of the directors, assistant directors, and associate directors to the assistant directors of the Affirmative Action riddled and woefully undercompetently overstaffed Department of Psychiatric Social Work, puny little Moishele learned about welfare, Section 8, SSI, Social Security Disability Payments, Veteran's Benefits and who knows what else.

In the meantime, while little Moishe Aryeh was forced to spend his afternoons in treatment in Creedmoor, his older sister, a kind and sweet young lady of 14, spent her free time helping truly developmentally disabled little girls in her community, which is known both for its chessed and for providing services to its least advantaged members. Malkele (name changed to protect the innocent) was already 2 heads taller than her ridiculous little brother, but that did not stop her from getting on her hands and knees and playing with unfortunate children as young as three years old. Malkele also had a large collection of stuffed animals, often given to her as presents by grateful parents, as well as a doll collection.

And Moshe Aryeh Friedman had a pair of scissors, a hammer, and a wrench, all purloined from the utility closet at Creedmoor, which was off limits to patients (he was also banned from access to the Friedman family cache of sharp objects, for obvious reasons).

One Sunday afternoon, while gentle, sweet Malkele accompanied a group of disabled children to a local park as was her usual routine on Sundays, her rancid, putrid, miserable rodent of a brother picked the lock to her room with his "gechapt" scissors, and began his ghastly work.

Sure enough, Malkele or her charges had named every doll and labeled each one with "her" very own name. So, Moshe Aryeh Friedman began his career as a scam artist by recording every one of the doll's names - typical Williamsburgh names like Esther, Blima, Yidis, Fyge, Byle, Gnendel, Ryzel - on a sheet of the only paper that he was allowed access to at home - namely asher yotzor papier. Then, he decided that the stuffed animals were male, so he named them in typical community fashion - Yoily, Gimpel, Getzel, Groinem, Shepsel, Yidel - and recorded their names as well. Of course they all shared his surname of Friedman as per this chronicle of woe.

And now, the mayhem began. Scissors amputated at least three limbs per doll and decapitated the stuffed animals. The hammer, rather large for Moshe Aryeh's undersized hands, wreaked havoc on the dolls' heads.

Presto! Moshe Aryeh Friedman now had a collection of injured and disabled dependents to claim for welfare and SSI, as well as a handful of deceased ones to claim for survivors' benefits. When asked to explain his actions to a visibly distraught Malkele and the unfortunate children to whom she so dearly served as a surrogate sister, the budding menivel explained: "Now your farshtinkene getschkes and shmatte vilde chayes are as retarded as the kids you take care of!"

Malkele could take no more; she was totally incapable of understanding her brother's utter lack of humanity. For five minutes, she cried inconsolably while she figured out what she could do. Her equally kindhearted older sister joined her in her tears; she was just as equally incapable of handling the situation and was amazed that her little brother, demented as he was known to be, could say and do such things. Not capable of doing what needed to be done, namely throwing the hammer at Moshe Aryeh and putting him out of his misery, both Friedman girls were beyond words. Finally, Malkele called the kollel where her father learned every Sunday and asked him to rush home.

When Rabbi Friedman saw the mess his son had made, he knew that Moshe Aryeh had to become a full time resident of Creedmoor as soon as possible despite his tender age. There was no sense punishing him for he was clearly beyond what any normal family could handle. But by the time he arrived, little Moishele was gone. His sisters were blinded by their tears and shock and saw nothing. For that matter, his father was not too interested in locating his depraved son, and as it turned out, he had no need to do so.

The wealthy aunt of a little girl whom Malkele took to the park every Sunday gratefully and generously replaced all of the toys which her brother had massacred. Fortunately, she was judged on her own great merits and was never associated with her brother's ways, so that beshaah toive umitzlachis she married a fine young man and today leads an exemplary life, and such is also the case with her older sister and all of the other Friedman siblings.

Moishele could have cared less about his father or his sisters. He was actually on his way back to Creedmoor, where one of the more corrupt associates to the assistants to the director of the associate directorship of the Department of Psychotic Anti-Social Work was ready and waiting to help him fill out forms for benefits for the no fewer than fifteen injured, disabled and deceased dependents of Moshe Aryeh and the late Malka Friedman. Yes, that is right. He actually claimed his very much alive sister was his deceased wife so that he could explain how he had fifteen dependents, ten hopelessly disabled and five conveniently deceased. A forged article about a tragic car accident was included in the application, and all was duly accepted by the overworked bureaucrats in Washington DC, Albany and City Hall.

And when the checks came in to "Rabbi Moshe Aryeh Friedman" at a PO Box not far from Creedmoor, Jose Hernandez, an illegal immigrant from Guatemala who occasionally pushed a mop across the corridors of power at Creedmoor, cashed them with an equally undocumented money transfer agency for one cent on the dollar. The rest of the loot was divided 80:20 between Moshe Aryeh Friedman and Mrs. Goosehonketta Jones-Whankingham, a native of some misbegotten island in the Caribbean whose title was "Assistant to the Associate of the Directorship of Benefits Management" at Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet - part 2

It is impossible for a child of ten years of age to be committed to Creedmoor. However, the Friedman parents and his many frustrated teachers, babysitters, and counselors needed a solution for little Moshe Aryeh, and fast.

So when Reb Velvel suggested Creedmoor, Moshe Aryeh's mother was only too happy to listen, and indeed she called the august institution to inquire as to whether there was a berth for her addled spawn.

While the answer was of course negative, it so happened that the medical director of Creedmoor at the time was Dr Michael Weinberg, an eminently overqualified heir to a building fortune, and himself a frum Yid of Hungarian origin with a very warm feeling toward Chassidus. So, Dr Weinberg agreed to accept Moshe Aryeh Friedman into a medical study aimed at assisting children with antisocial behavior patterns to somehow integrate into society.

This meant that every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday after school, Moshe Aryeh Friedman would be taken to a padded cell in Creedmoor for a few hours, where Dr Weinberg and his team tried to figure out what could be done to turn Moshe into "half a mensch, or eppes nisht azoy a vilder ferd," as one of his enervated teachers put it so eloquently.

Of course, when dealing with one as addled as Moshe Aryeh Friedman, success is not a given. And the treatments were given no chance of success, so that in essence Creedmoor was simply an after school day care center for "Freaky Freedy," a nickname that even the staff used for their unwanted charge.

And Freeky lived up to his name. He especially enjoyed drawing Zionist flags on the padding of his cell, and then tearing up the padding while shouting "Death to Zionism! Zionism and Judaism are direct opposites! Down with Zionist murderers!" Then, there were his myriad scams which the undersized terror carried out among the underpaid and under-documented maintenance staff.

For instance, the simplest scam was the cigarette scam. Moshe Aryeh Friedman was only 11 years old when he began this game, but credulous Mexican and Honduran janitorial assistants lined up to pay him a mere 50 cents for a pack of cigarettes "straight fin der Indianer reservation in Vilyemsburgh!" Since Moshe had driven his long suffering father to chain smoking long ago, he had no trouble obtaining Marlboro packages, in which he placed one piece of paper wrapped around chopped up rubberbands. He then resealed the packages with scotch tape and distributed them to his dupes, with instructions to "plent der cigarette in der erd end you grow a cigarette tree in tzvye months!" Given the low level of sophistication among his customers, they eagerly believed him, and when the trees did not grow in two months, he simply sold each dupe a half bottle of hydrogen peroxide for another fifty cents and told them to water their plants with "heiliger vasser fin der Rebbe."

And this was trumped only by his first welfare scam, successfully completed before he reached his 12th birthday..(part 3 coming after Shabbos).

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet

Moshe Aryeh Friedman was born about 35 years ago to a respectable family in Brooklyn. But just as Yitzchak had a son named Esav, the Friedman parents never saw much nachas from their son Moshe Aryeh.

Short of stature and cursed with an idiotic facial expression, little Moshe Aryeh was the laughingstock of his class. So, he went out of his way to get attention by dedicating his cheider and mesivta career to one issue and one issue only - the destruction of Zionism.

As far back as first grade, the lad ran a creative scam in cahoots with a local grocer. Since he was tiny, he hardly needed to eat the snacks and food that his mother sent with him to school - and since he was dishonest as could be, he stole "nosherei" from his brothers and sisters as well. So, he would return his loot to the grocer, who ran his store as a front for various and nefarious activities ranging from slumlording to fencing, in exchange for something that was considered dangerous contraband in his school - namely, a Zionist flag.

Little "Freaky Freedy," as he was soon nicknamed, did not know that the grocer was just cutting paper Zionist flags out of old "Keren Kayemet" brochures while he sold the returned food at full price in his slovenly hole in the wall grocery. Nor did he care, for he had ammunition enough to pull off two more scams.

One was known as "Pin the Flag on the Teacher," in which Freaky would attach the flag to his teacher's lapel using a safety pin. The unwitting educator would, ideally, then go out into the street with a flag on his lapel, subjecting him to taunts of "Shygetz Aross," in his most definitely anti-Zionist community. Then, little Moshe Aryeh would follow, offering the teacher information as to who pinned the flag on his lapel in exchange for a dollar. Only once did this childish prank ever work, but the furious victim, Reb Velvel Weinberger, would exact a very harsh punishment on little Moshe Aryeh the second time he attempted the same prank. Then, there was "Glue the Flag to the Office Door," in which Freaky would glue the flag to the door of the principal's office, disappear, and then try to extort money from fellow students in exchange for not moisering them as the culprits. This was even less successful, as few feared the diminutive Friedman boy, to put it mildly.

But Reb Velvel was a very well read man by the standards of his isolated community, and he recognized Moshe Aryeh Friedman for what he was and is - a mentally ill, undisciplined sociopath. He was also a neighbor of the Friedmans, and one day soon after Moshe Aryeh's second attempt to turn him into a Zionist flagpole, he came to speak to Moshe Aryeh's parents about removing him from school, and indeed from the community.

When the Friedmans heard of a place called Creedmoor, in faraway Bellerose, Queens, they were only too happy to listen.

(part 2 coming soon)