Sunday, March 26, 2006

950 "Patients" Die in Creedmoor in a Two Week Period

Doctors were alarmed at reports of the death of 950 patients in the Long Term Care section of Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital over the past two weeks. However, concern quickly turned to outrage as the deaths were traced to phantom patients created by Creedmoor's most notorious long term patient, self ordained Rabbi Dovid Goldman-Schmoigerman of the now vacant D-ward. Said patients were created by the "Admou"r meCreedmoor," who is recognized by the EU, North Korea, Cuba and Taliban controlled sections of Afghanistan as an independent head of state and is therefore immune to prosecution, in order to collect life insurance from as many as eleven international insurers.

Dr Cornelius Mee-fong Xia, the latest in a string of foreign born medical directors to disgrace the financially strapped and largely vacant hospital, was dismissed for his role in the "Admou"r meCreedmoor"'s latest scam - namely placing multiple life insurance policies on nonexistent patients, including at least three deceased members of the British royal family, and then declaring the patients dead so that his charitable foundation "Chessed Atzmai," could benefit from as much as eight million dollars in insurance benefits paid to the survivors of each patient.

At first, the Center for Disease Control was involved as Dr Xia reported 950 deaths in D-ward due to what he claimed was an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease. However, in reality, the disgraced physician was reporting "Regional Disease," which sounds like Legionnaire's Disease when said with an Oriental accent.

"Yes, I say they have regional disease. Whole region of hospital go sick and die. " Such was the intelligible portion of Dr Xia's response to Federal investigators who arrived on the scene. However, suspicions were aroused when it was clear that the ward was not meant to hold even one fifth of the 950 patients reported dead.

What was discovered was a man wearing an orange jumpsuit and a tin foil hat, frantically filling out insurance claims forms, each of which were passed on to Xia for verification. Names on these certificates included Elvis Presley, Diana Spencer and Mary, Queen of Scots.

"Well, at least now we can be sure Elvis is dead," said John Worthington, the Federal investigator who discovered the major discrepancies. "Pity there is no death penalty for gross fraud, because these two offenders certainly deserve it. Actually, though, who knows who they would send to the chair in their place, and how many insurance policies they have on him."

Dr Xia was paid 200 pounds of fine rice for his role in the scam, and faces deportation proceedings. Schmoigerman has apparently collected anywhere from three to eight million dollars per patient reported dead, and due to his US status as an incurably insane chief of a Native American tribe, and his UN approved status as the head of an independent anti-Zionist country, he is immune from prosecution.

However, he has apologized for his misdeeds and has made restitution to the insurance companies in question - using checks drawn and certified on his own central bank, which is not even recognized by the Brotherhood of Nigerian Advance Fee Scammers.

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