Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction

Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.

No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.

Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.

Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.

All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.

So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.

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