Va'ani zois berisi oisam...the Admou"r is confirmed insane for another year

BS"D

The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.

But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.

He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.

Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.

And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:

"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."

Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.

And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.

Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."

Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.

And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:

"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"

And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"

So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.

"The Cashorcharger Rebbe": Schmoigerman aged 12-14

BS"D

We received this letter from Rabbi Y.L.G, who was Dovid Schmoigerman's teacher in yeshiva ktana (translated from Yiddish):

"Thank you for your constant updates about my most memorable talmid, Dovid Schmoigerman. He was 12 when I had the distinct displeasure of having to teach him basic Mishna and Chumash as well as basic semi-human midois.

You would probably be thrilled to know that Dovid began his career as an admou"r when he was in my class. He came to yeshiva every day wearing a bekeshe and shtreimel 3 sizes too big for him, and at lunch he would terrorize younger talmidim into giving him their lunches and snacks so that he could sell them back to his victims at 5 times the price paid. If he did not receive the money, he would harass the parents and tell them that their son was affected by some klala or another and that paying him $50 would be the best way to make sure their sons were not thrown out of yeshiva for having this klala.

He would then ask for another $150 for a brocho, and at the end of the transaction, to which some scared parents actually did agree, he would ask "kesh or charge". (Apparently he had a deal with a local shop to allow him to get cash in exchange for credit card numbers which the shop would bill and then abuse. Schmoigerman received up to 40% of the take from the abuse of the numbers as well).

Thus, he became known as the Cashorcharger Rebbe. 

Little did his Chassidim know that their Rebbe was 12 years old and wore high heeled women's shoes, hidden by his overly long bekeshe, in order to look as if he was of adult size and height.

From what I remember the scam lasted until he was 14 or so and discovered such pleasures as used jewelry swindles, sale of stolen merchandise, and the bedrock of his Rebbeschaft today, welfare and Medicaid fraud. He was expelled from yeshiva ktana in any case after about 6 months of his shtick and managed to forge papers showing that he still was a talmid in our yeshiva while he spent most of his days doing his Rebbe shtick."

The Yahrtzeit Is Tomorrow!

BS"D

The 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is tomorrow, April 1, 2009.

The date commemorates the day on which the committment order was signed for David Schmoigerman, stating that he was to be confined to the Creedmoor Psychiatric Institution in perpetuity.

As for the year, the Admou"r considers 1948 to have been "der yohr ven der Yiddishe folk hot gepeygert" (the year the Jewish people "croaked") as it was of course the year in which the Zionist entity was founded.

Also, while the Admou"r was committed in 1995, he needed to backdate several deeds to 1948 in order to claim ownership of the D-ward abandoned buildings in which he resides and where his Chassidus is headquartered.

Therefore, tomorrow, April 1 (78676 Av 3, 5708) is celebrated as the 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r, as the day Creedmoorer Chassidus was revealed is most certainly a yahrtzeit for the rest of Klal Yisroel.

And of course, der Admou"r has much planned for tomorrow; a report will be posted no later than Friday of this week (which will be the last Creedmoor post until after Pesach).

Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av

For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.

Or, you can join us and

BURN BABY BURN

Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!

For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!

Rubin-Has-No-Life

Among the myriad dupes, shills, fellow travelers and phantom multiple personalities who reside in D-ward is a rather odd fellow who calls himself Rubin, in homage to the mediocre boxer and accomplished violent felon (sextuple murderer, according to some sources) Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. Since the Admou"r is so very enamored of felons, he summarily converted Rubin to Creedmoorer Chassidus, using an WMA to mp3 converter and a catalytic converter along with his standard 110 to 220 volt converter.

For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.

Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.

And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.

In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.

And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."

Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.

In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.

But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!

Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.

Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction

Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.

No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.

Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.

Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.

All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.

So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.