Controversial Rabbi Calls 311 and Saves Himself from Prosecution Again!

Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):

Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.

Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.

At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:

311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).

Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.

311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.

Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!

311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?

Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!

(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?

Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!

The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:

"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.

Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.

While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."

Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.

Der Admou"r Set to Solve Kosher Meat Crisis

The Admou"r meCreedmoor, through his communally owned shechita enterprise "Maachal Ben Drusoy", has stepped up to solve the present shortage of kosher meat.

As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).

Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.

Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.

OFFICIAL: Der Admou"r Endorses Obama

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has emerged from retirement to volunteer as the hymishe spokesman for the Obama campaign. As always, our favorite tin foil wrapped deluxe fruitcake has made a profound statement of endorsement for his preferred candidate:

"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."

The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.