The Creedmoor Recovery Plan

BS"D

Well, thanks to partial Creedmoorism, that is to say, voting so you can get as much as you can from Fetter Shmeel, the United States will soon be a Creedmoorish, food-stamps nation. However, only real, unadulterated Creedmoorism, the part that includes burning down buildings for fun and profit, will restore America to its former glory.

The plan is very simple: Elect the Admou"r meCreedmoor to the Presidency in 2016. He will have enough deceased voters to cover all 57 states in any case.

He will then:

Evacuate every single unnecessary Federal building in the United States.

Insure said buildings for $25,000 per square foot, along with the entire US wild polar bear population for $10,000,000 per pound of weight, with several foreign insurers such as Generali, AXA and Allianz.

Use contained methods to safely set every last evacuated building alight, along with any aging Federally supported infrastructure and any vacant Federally mortgaged homes. Remove all polar bears from oil-rich lands and sell them under the table to zoos and nature parks.

Use the energy generated from the fires to provide as much power as possible without dependence on foreign energy. Start drilling for oil immediately as soon as the last polar bear is gone and the last check for the last Nanook comes in.

Successfully claim enough money in insurance payments to balance the US budget.

Get tenders from the few remaining American engineering and building firms that will hire American workers off the welfare rolls as well as drones on the Federal payroll and those whose jobs depended on Federal grants. If that means someone with a Ph.D. in Gender Studies or Self-Gratification Engineering digging ditches, so be it.

Allow investors, including those now in Otisville only because they tried to outsmart Fetter Shmeel or did not pay prohibitive taxes, as well as only those foreign investors who are not connected to Islam and are willing to move to the US and create businesses in the US, to acquire former Federal lands for $1 per acre, provided that whatever they develop there will contribute to the local and national economy.

Reduce the Federal personal income tax rate to 15% and the corporate tax rate to 5%.

Print food stamps only to pay the salaries of a cadre of about a million drones who hold down public-sector make-work jobs (including Congressmen and Senators) and for the terminally lazy, so it will be a shame to go on food stamps once again. Those food stamps will be good only at a chain of deep discount stores called Dome of the Schlock, which will be filled with cheap imported goods that last only from paycheck to paycheck, and owned by the Admou'r as a concession to his national service.

In one year after his election, America will be a great power again. Otherwise, the whole country will be shopping with food stamps over at Dome of the Schlock, except that the chain will probably have a Chinese name or be part of an Indian conglomerate.

Prelude: The Great Chanike Extravaganza

BS"D

"Rabbi, somethin' don't look right here?" Sergeant James O'Malley of the Downtown Brooklyn branch of New York's Bravest told the FDNY Jewish Chaplain, who happened to be visiting the firehouse for Chanukah.

The rabbi could hardly contain his laughter. While Chabad-Lubavitch often requested fire permits for menorahs in the downtown area, their applications were submitted in a manner far more professional than this atrocity, which scrambled the letters of Lubavitch and added hyphens to suggest love for a female dog. Besides, the whole idea of "Chabad-Lubavitch of the Bridges and Tunnels," even if spelled properly, seemed quite absurd. The rest of the application was equally as absurd, as it was a permit to set off hazardous pyrotechnics under the Brooklyn Bridge in honor of the sixth night of Chanukah.

"Jim," the rabbi laughed, "that application is either a very sick prank or the work of some fanatics in Williamsburgh who want to discredit our friends at Chabad.....but really, this is the work of a certifiable EDP. The Willy crew is a bunch of meshuggeners, but this is really....," the rabbi's voice trailed off..."it has to be the work of a real crank..."

"Umm, Rabbi, this baby is pre-approved.........who has that kind of connections with the brass in New York? This is a disaster waiting to happen. He wants to screw concrete beams onto the bridge and burn barrels of kerosene under it or something like that."

The rabbi, who once led a congregation in Queens, said: "Whoever it is belongs in Creedmoor! This is either a prank or multiculturalism gone astray...can I see the application?"

One look at the seal on the application showed just where the applicant indeed not only belonged, but also resided: "Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of Unadulterated Baseless Hatred of the Independent Anti-Zionist Torah Republic of Creedmoor."

"Jim, this is a joke. File it away somewhere. If some nut from Creedmoor really wants to paddle out to the Brooklyn Bridge with a rowboat, towing a raft of concrete beams, he's not going to get too far!"

Meanwhile, in the D-ward Kever Komplex, deep in the bowels of the abandoned D-ward building that Dovid Schmoigerman called home, the fax machine whirred with confirmations of insurance policies, not only for a certain bridge that spans Brooklyn and Manhattan, but also for cancellation of a major public event due to force-majeure. All policies were payable by January 1, as they were guaranteed by the hard currency reserves of the Creedmoor republic, so the Admou"r did not even have to cash in any food-shtemplach at 60 cents on the dollar to get proof of coverage.

The Admou"r was getting ready for a real blast, and one way or the other, the insurance industry would be blasted to the point that only a bailout could rescue it.

All 150 Quintillion Souls Lost During Irene!

BS"D We recently received confirmation that the 150 quintillion souls who resided nowhere else but on the Admou"r's computer server were all lost when said server became waterlogged during Tropical Storm Irene. Life insurance adjusters are debating which policies need to be paid, and it is expected that the Obama administration, the EU and the Saudis will bail out any firms that do have to pay out as a result of the complete annihilation of the Creedmoorer community.

The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.

Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"

World Court Expected to Decide Sdom Insurance Lawsuit in Admou"r's Favor

BS"D

We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.

It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".

More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.

Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto Last Night..The Former Planet Is In Flames!

BS"D

The hyliger Creedmoorer Stargazer, a long term inmate at Creedmoor C-ward who is considered a Chossid of the Admou"r's for insurance and disability purposes, could not believe what he saw as his mind became more scrambled than usual from the rapid and rabid signals he was receiving using his trusty vintage 1968 tin foil hat.

Next to him stood his trusty psychiatrist, Dr Ramachandran Krishnabakri Patel, who frantically tried to send signals to Pluto using his vintage 2009 Blackberry, registered to the "Creedmoorer Chassidic Hindu Friendship Society" and paid for with his part of the proceeds of several disability scams. The doctor's question was quite simple: "My wife burned the vindaloo again and what is more she add phenyle to the lassa and I throw up bad. Can I divorce please from her?"

Finally, the Admou"r replied: "The former planet is in flames and you ask me about vindaloo and lassa? No, don't divorce her you stupid cow worshipper! Send her to Mrs Fygie Shah's Kosher Indian Cooking School in Gujarat on my private jet and let her learn to cook there for three months. When she's there she can take care of some paperwork for us..."

Of course, the Admou"r does not operate a kosher cooking school in Gujarat, but he had been searching for a shill to be able to pull off a series of humanitarian aid and dwelling renewal scams in earthquake prone Gujarat, and his Indian chossid's cow of a wife certainly fit the bill just as she fit her triple plus size extra large tinfoil sari which she wore when she applied for disability and turned over 80% to her guru, none other than Pandit David Schmoigerman.

As for the stargazer, what he was seeing and hearing was the result of the Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto, in which a tikkun was performed to make up for the fact that the Chashmonoim actually had enough oil to last eight days, but did not use it to set even a single insured property alight!

That was more than compensated for using a string of very opaque transactions, in which the entirety of Boro Park, Williamsburgh, Monsey, Monroe and Deseret, Utah, were insured to the Admou"r but somehow located on the former Pluto known as a planet. And the proceeds were amazing; after all an entire former planet insured with countless private and public insurers would be enough to satiate the greed of 151 quintillion Creedmoorers for generations....
(more coming soon)..

Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!

BS"D

The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!

Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne

A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.

Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....

"In A One Room Office" Parody of Journeys

BS"D

In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"

In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone

And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he

But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die

When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight

And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail

That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan

No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.

Special Opening Ceremony of New Creedmoorer-Oisvorfer Shul

BS"D

Yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor landed in Flatbush on a tinfoil and Lego spaceship from Pluto to speak at the chanikas vesryfis habayis of the new Kehillas Koidesh Byse Esov d'Arsvary (Osvorfer or Oisvorfer) Shil on Avenue M corner of Avenue Z:

"It is with great pleasure that I accept the honor of lighting the first tzioinish flag here in this hyliger shil that recreates the avyrois of the Arsvary shil of old. It was in hyliger Arsvary that our yeshive bochurim from Szarkonosvary would find the greatest pleasures of the flesh, from pool halls to dancing girls to of course, esev hasodeh, from which the name Esov is taken.

And it is especially warming to my heart and my bank account that my dearest alternate personality, Rabbynee Mechel Osvorfer, Rabbi Mechel Menivel Schlockgesheftman, will be the arva d'rabbonon for this great and exalted shil, which will indeed live up to its name by providing a safe and fiery atmosphere in which our youth can enjoy esev hasodeh in pipes imported from the hyliger anti-Zionist mokom koidesh of Syria, and for which they can pay in food stamps, thereby avoiding all contact with the timusdige currency of the Gantze Soton, the United States fin Americhke.

I now light the first tzioinish flag in honor of those of my Chassidim who are now living with mesiris nefesh in Otisville and Fort Dix, for the crimes of daring to resist the evil and iniquitous tax and legal system of the criminal tzionish regime which runs the Gantze Soton fin Americhke. I will first fill the tzioinish flag with a large amount of the esev hasodeh, which I have ensured is from our beloved friends in Venezuela and not from Americhkan or other tzioinish growers, and I ask all to inhale the fumes of the gitte sryfoh along with me as we elevate the much reviled Esov, hated only for his opposition to that tzioini Yankel who was his brother in flesh but who was not even fit to lick his heel, to the highest, highest highs!"

With that, the Admou"r, assisted by his loyal and very elevated Alcatrazer Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerwoman, filled a paper tzionish flag with much esev hasodeh, and each one smoked one end. Then, they passed the great combination of Esov and tzionis around, requesting donations of finf tolar for each puff. Finally, when the flag and its contents were consumed, the Admou"r dedicated the shil with a true sryfos habayis, in which he soaked several tzionish flags with kerosene and threw them on top of the new aroin (consisting of a PlayStation console and television screen). As the crowd ran out, Reb Mechel called the new gabbai of the shil, recently appointed fire marshal Gitman Sryferman, to pronounce it a "gitte sryfo" for insurance purposes.

The ceremony concluded with the arrival of a special minyan of insurance company representatives, each of whom received the tolars collected at the chanikas habayis tish that of course were well smoked with the smoke of esev hasodeh. Each representative was given a gift of even more esev hasodeh wrapped in a small flag as soon as he signed off on the proper insurance reports.

The Admou"r and his Rebbetzin then boarded their spacecraft once again for Pluto, where the Admou"r will soon be revealing the rest of his yichus breef as well as his yellow and brown Jockey briefs at the continuation of his hyliger Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka.

Michael Jackson, Mourned and Insured by Creedmoor

BS"D

Posthumous ticket sales are a new sideline for the Admou"r meCreedmoor, but not one he was about to pass up when he heard of the untimely (but perfectly timed as far as the Admou"r was concerned) death of Michael Jackson.

The Admou"r could have cared less about Jackson's musical talent or lack thereof; what attracted him to the singing star was that concerts for his tickets had already been sold and that insurance companies were reimbursing those who lost out because of the singer's demise.

Actually, the Admou"r's erstwhile shaliach, Shmeel Aniloiboiteachboi, had had contacts with Michael Jackson when he was employed by the Admou"r in a failed TV venture called ShekerSearch, in which Aniloiboiteachboi would search out the most obvious and egregious examples of sheker in the world and try to prove that they were really paragons of emes. The venture failed when Aniloiboiteachboi wanted cash rather than food stamps for his participation on the show, and duly embezzled same from advertisers and the Admou"r alike. That was the end of his shlichus, and today he stands on an inverted vegetable crate a few yards from the main gate of Creedmoor and babbles on and on with pseudointellectual attempts to connect Creedmoorer Chassidus to everything and anything in show business and personal relationships.

Nevertheless, this tenuous connection with Jackson was enough for the Admou"r to be able to organize "The First Posthumous Michael Jackson Gala Concert" in Azazel Stadium, Gehennom.

Of course such a stadium existed only for the benefit of his usual cohort of suborned insurance adjusters and incompetent insurance underwriters.

And his network had no problem showing that ten million tickets had been sold for the concert, scheduled for August 32, 2009 and canceled because Jackson had inadvertently been sprayed with acetone by an incompetent embalmer. Since acetone dissolves the plastic resins that had been the dominant component in the performer's enhanced body and face, that meant that in essence Jackson had dissolved and disappeared, making it impossible for any concert to be held in the heat of Gehennom in August where whatever little bit remained would definitely melt.

Results: Ten million tickets at an average price of 300 dollars per ticket, plus promotion costs of thirty two million Gehennom shkolim, exchangeable at the rate of four food stamps to the shekel, were reimbursed by a confederation of worldwide insurance firms to "Schmoigerman Productions, Limited Liability and Unlimited Fraud Company", registered in the Admou"r's own independent republic.

Schmoigerman Receives Insurance Payout After Nuclear Explosion!

BS"D

Newsflash (IPRNA - Iranian Pistachio Republic News Agency)

It has been confirmed that the Iranian nuclear weapons program, now assisted by the building arm of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor, has inadvertently detonated a thirty four megaton nuclear device on the planet Jupiter.

Said explosion was carried out for insurance purposes, as the Creedmoorer Entity has produced title deeds to several abandoned warehouses located on Jupiter. All warehouses were heavily insured before the accident took place.

As insurance inspectors are not able to travel to nuclear irradiated sites on Jupiter, the payouts have been approved and payment has been made to the leader of the Creedmoorer Entity, Rabbi David Schmoigerman.

Rabbi Schmoigerman has guaranteed that our nuclear weapons can now be used to eradicate insured property throughout the realm of the Great Satan and the Zionist entity, and indeed throughout the solar system and all other galaxies. We salute the great and mighty deeds of our partner, who has made it possible for us to eradicate all enemies of Islam at a very great and mighty profit.

Creedmoor Prepares for Day of Mourning

BS"D

5 Iyar, the day on which the Zionist State proclaimed independence, is the saddest day on the Creedmoorer calendar. 

At present the Admou"r and his 150 quintiliion chassidim are planning a display of fire, the likes of which the five boroughs and Rockland County have never seen before.

Sponsors include the Federal Government Superfund cleanup fund, Axa, Aetna, AIG (which acts a a sponsor thanks to a special Schmoigerman Loss Related Bailout Program), Fireman's Fund (Schmoigerman's favorite as thanks to his poor English he misunderstands the simple fact that a fireman is one who puts out fires), Generali, and many other insurance firms.

We understand that fires will be set simultaneously in as many as one million abandoned warehouses, railway yards, crack houses and similar eyesores throughout the world, using kerosene soaked Zionist flags as kindling. What is not certain is whether or not these properties exist on any official maps besides the ones generated by Schmoiger Surveying, Ltd, a shadowy title insurance firm with locations in Creedmoor and Alcatraz.

In any event, look out for special coverage of the 5 Iyar festivities as well as halachic guidelines for hosting a sreyfas hadegel celebration in your shul or home.

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing!

BS"D

The Admou"r's Latest Directive:

Mivtza Sreyfo: Kashering Homes, Offices, and Warehouses for Pesach by Burning Away the Tuma of Tzioinis!

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing! As we prepare to make sure that we are not redeemed this Pesach, we must increase in our zealotry regarding Pesach cleaning and burn down not only our own homes but also those of our neighbors!

The tuma of Zionism is affecting not only your hyliger selves but also the selves and the inner essences of your neighbors, whether they are hymish, modernish, tzioinish, frei or shkootzish. But you, who follow in the way of the only real truth, must be the one who profits from ridding the world of the horrible tuma of tzioinis by burning down the house which is affected just as homes affected with tzoraas bayis were burned down in the times of the first golus in Sinai.

Remember that it is ossur for you to tolerate tuma in your midst, regardless of whether the tomai property is yours or not. For it is said "Bishvili Nivra HaOilam". Bishvili means not only for me, but for my path, meaning that it is upon you to show everyone by force that only your path is correct. And bishvili is also the ikar of the surname of the official printer of cash and insurance policies and food-shtempelach, which is Hakolbishvili.

This year, Haham Mashiach Hakolbishvili will be appointed the special gabbai for the "Mivtza Not One Home May be Left Standing." He will distribute a maximum of three barrels of guaranteed Saudi crude, completely unrefined as per the drachim of Creedmoor, to each family which undertakes to burn down at least a block of housing on each side of its own dwelling in time to celebrate the Festival of the Egel HaZahav on 12334 Av 5708.

He will also consult with each volunteer to determine how to best insure the homes on each block in question to the benefit of the burner (10% share of proceeds), himself (135% share of proceeds) and the Admou"r's hyliger moisdos (678% share of proceeds). A Creedmoor psychiatrist will be on hand to make sure each participant is diagnosed as a pyromaniac and therefore not subject to anything except recognition of his tendencies as a legitimate form of multicultural creative expression.

The Admou"r says: "All that is left to ensure that we remain in golus for ten more generations is to burn down as much of the world as possible. And whoever burns more, may he be praised, may his block be razed, and may his korban egel hazahav be braised!"

Schmoigerman "Insurance Fraud Marathon" Dwarfs Madoff

BS"D

(Compiled from reports from BSP, Baabamaases Press Agency, Hantariche International and just stam shtussim):

While the financial world still reels from the damage done by disgraced Ponzi scheme operator Bernard Madoff, our reporters have uncovered yet another scheme perpetrated by the perennial fraudster and self proclaimed Chassidic rebbe (and self-committed psychiatric patient), "Rabbi" David Schmoigerman.

The Schmoigerman "insurance fraud marathon", as investigators have termed it, consists of submitting falsified fire marshal reports for properties that do not seem to appear on any map or title search. With sums reaching into the quadrillions of dollars, the latest Schmoigerman scheme is on a far grander scale than that of Madoff - and the difference is that as a sovereign ruler of a strategic ally in the EU's struggle against Zionist domination, Schmoigerman can never be prosecuted in the EU. As far as the US is concerned, Schmoigerman is considered a permanently insane psychiatric patient who has been committed to a secure facility, which renders him immune from US prosecution as well.

In short, Rabbi David Schmoigerman is untouchable, despite even the unparalleled audacity of his most recent attempt to obtain immense sums of money through yet another series of fraudulent insurance transactions.

"There is no 3658 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn or 9874 Broadway in Manhattan! And there is no such street as 654th Road in ANY of the five boroughs!" stated an exasperated fire marshal who was asked by Schmoigerman to certify that 50, 56, and 97 story buildings located at each address respectively had met their demise in electrical fires.

Since no fire inspector would risk certifying any Schmoigerman building, the eternal schemer simply established a "Ministry of Fire and Flood Damage" of his rump "Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Other Unpleasant Happenings" and had his newly appointed "Minister", a psychiatrist named Bakri Patel (who is not listed as a licenced physician in New York State where he supposedly practices, leading investigators to suspect he is an illiterate goat farmer in a village in Gujarat, India where Schmoigerman has several phantom properties) certify the buildings as property of the independent entity that had indeed been damaged beyond repair.

Even more alarming is that some of the buildings are supposedly located in foreign countries and insured by underwriters that are not registered at any known location or properly licenced in any jurisdiction.

For instance, Rabbi Schmoigerman has claimed severe flood and mold damage at a building located on 65 bis Rue du Gros Choulentfresseur in Brussels, Belgium. Anyone with even a slight knowledge of Yiddish can recognize that such an address is a poorly conceived Frenchified version of a Yiddish phrase meaning a large or uncouth man who overindulges in a common Jewish Sabbath dish. But more frightening is that the building is insured by "Avadeh Insurance Group." Such an insurance firm is not registered anywhere, even offshore or as a syndicate. Other Schmoigerman insurors include "Welfareman's Fund," "State Pen Insurance," and "Allestzudrayt," with the largest exposure apparently placed on phantom firm "Assicurazioni Geneivetto SpA," registered at a toxic waste dumping ground in the Italian town of Reggio da Camorra.

It is apparent that Rabbi Schmoigerman has concocted a scheme whereby he claims damage to property, and then claims his insurance company has gone bankrupt or has misrepresented itself. In such a situation, he would be entitled to government and/or European Union compensation for lax regulations and/or regulator incompetence that has allowed these unlicenced insurers to collect years of premiums. Undoubtedly, the beloved Rabbi has forged receipts going back at least 20 years for each phantom property and insurer.

And who will pay for the Schmoigerman depredations?

We would normally say you, the taxpayer, but we suspect that Schmoigerman's fraud is on such a large level that trillions of dollars and Euros will have to be printed just to reimburse the self-appointed rabbi, whose claim of independence for his settlement of 90 quintillion rapidly reproducing and generously subsidized souls on the grounds of an abandoned psychiatric hospital is recognized by the EU, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.

The question is - who will print the necessary currency?

Schmoigerman's avarice knows no bounds, and if he is unable to obtain reparations from government bodies, he will clearly print dollars and euros himself, and as a sovereign of a sovereign nation, he is immune from prosecution.

However, in the past, Schmoigerman currency has either been issued under the name "fudshtemp" or has been printed in denominations such as 700 Euro and 895 dollar notes.

Therefore, it seems that this scam, which could not possibly net Schmoigerman any profit, is in reality a ploy to ensure that he remains a legally committed psychiatric patient and therefore exempt from prosecution for his myriad welfare and social benefits scams throughout the world.

It is time to make Schmoigerman understand that only the government can steal taxpayer money, and that those who compete with it must be subject to the ultimate penalty - community service in which they reveal and explain their tactics so as to instruct the governments of the world as to how to more efficiently steal from hard working citizens.

Controversial Rabbi Calls 311 and Saves Himself from Prosecution Again!

Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):

Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.

Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.

At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:

311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).

Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.

311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.

Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!

311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?

Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!

(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?

Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!

The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:

"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.

Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.

While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."

Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.

Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av

For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.

Or, you can join us and

BURN BABY BURN

Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!

For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!