Monday, February 01, 2010

Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction


Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.

The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.

All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.

The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.

Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.

We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.

We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.

This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.

We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.

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