BS"D
While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.
The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.
It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.
In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"
And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.
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