Moshe Aryeh Friedman's First Day of Seminary

BS"D

Bnois Soro d'Antverpen really was nothing more than a finishing school, a place where the most traditional of the Chassidic girls of Antwerpen enrolled while waiting for a shidduch. Rare was the girl who even bothered finishing the entire year's curriculum, and many were the lechaims and vorts to which its beloved principal, Rebbetzin Soro Goldman, was invited.

The school was not named for its principal, but it might as well have been, as the two were inseparable. Rebbetzin Goldman knew or remembered every girl who ever set foot in her seminary, going back over forty years to when she took over as principal after a career of teaching girls that began in a D.P. camp in Germany.

She most certainly did not remember having a Masha Esther Friedman who was supposed to enroll in the middle of the "academic" year, and she was shocked to see this name penciled into her list of students, and in an odd handwriting at that. She did not even have to ask her assistant or any of her teachers if they had altered the roster, as she was an expert at recognizing handwriting, and this scribbled name was completely alien to her in appearance.

Suddenly, a man with a squeaky voice piped up in broken Flemish: "Mrs. Goldman, I want to enroll in your seminary." She replied: Reb Yid, today is not Peerim, so unless you are here to enroll your daughter,  I can't help you. She then turned around, only to quickly recognize the very scourge of frime Antwerpen, the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman, dressed in a shpitzel and housecoat.

"Rabbi Friedman, I know who you are. I would welcome your daughter and give her another chance in life, so I don't know why you disguised yourself to see me. You could have sent your wife, or come as you are. I don't turn anyone away."

This was very true. She certainly never turned anyone away for inability to pay tuition, and while the school was for the most haimish of the haimish, she was not averse to accepting girls from broken homes, Russian and Israeli immigrant girls, or others who did not fit her school's mold. However, the principal was not prepared for what came next:

"No, I am wanting to enter your school, and the law says that I can. So, where is the first morning class held today?"

"Rabbi Friedman, this is a private school. The only place I can keep you is in the janitor's bathroom downstairs, if you need to rest for a few minutes."

"Thank you! Tell me, the janitor he has maybe a wrench, a pliers, whatever? I open the pipes, flood your school, you get a new campus!"

Meanwhile, Tamar Moshashvili was approaching the office. Tamar was one of those girls whom the Rebbetzin accepted out of sympathy. Her father was in prison for robbing jewelry stores, and her mother begged with the principal to accept her and teach her to live a better life.

She screamed in disgust: "FRIEDMAN! The little rat who went to Iran? My father's friends know all about you, what are you doing here?"

"Tamar, calm down! How do you recognize him anyway, I asked you not to talk about TV and video and newspapers here, and I know you don't daven at K'hal Chassidim, so you never saw him there!"

"Mrs. Goldman, everyone knows Friedman. He's a scum sewer rat and the sun off the beach. Do you need help from my uncle to take care of him? I'll call him right now!"

She pulled out her smartphone, which had resided in the window of a local electronics store until a week ago, when her brother disabled the store alarm, removed the phone and a few lesser model smartphones from their abode after breaking the display with a hammer, and gave it to her as a birthday gift.

"Tamar, that phone is NOT ALLOWED here! Please, I want to give you a chance, but we have rules here."

Before Tamar, who stood a good head taller than Moshe Aryeh Friedman, knew it, Friedman was trying in vain to pull the phone out of her hands.

"See," the diminutive man said, "I can be a good tznius patrol officer for your hylige school!"

"Rabbi Friedman, you are lucky Tamar doesn't take out a knife and cut you like an apple for my Shabbos kigel, and this time she'd be right!" Let me take you to the janitor's room, so you can cool down before you leave here. The wrenches and pliers are locked up...and she whispered to herself...you should be too!" "Tamar, you can leave that phone here. I don't know what it is or how to use it, but my daughter Rochele's husband Yankel Feldstein from the electronics store near the train station can teach me."

Tamar shivered with fright upon realizing that her principal knew where her brother had obtained the phone, and Friedman was about to shiver with cold as he was wearing nothing but a flimsy house coat as he was escorted to the frigid basement of the building by Rebbetzin Goldman.
----
To be continued tomorrow, the first day of the new year of welfare distribution.

Part 1 - The Grand Chanike Extravaganza

BS"D

The Admou"r knew he had only the slightest chance of blowing even a tiny hole in the Brooklyn Bridge with his planned Rabbeini Reiven Goldberg a/k/a Rube Goldberg nuclear pyrotechnics demonstration. He was not even surprised or disappointed that the bottle of "Ruhollah Islamic Super-Atomic Pistachio Scented Baby-Soft Plutonium Liquid" fuel concentrate brought to him by an Iranian U.N. envoy was adulterated.

Once he saw an invoice for "50% off" signed by "Mashiah Kamsanzadeh," he knew that the Mossad had its tentacles in the whole Bushehr operation, and therefore the fuel was obviously adulterated. Still, he paid the Iranian envoy his agreed price of $30,000, in unmarked three, five, seven, and nine food stamp notes as well as a couple of expired EBT cards.

The Admou"r set out to Downtown Brooklyn by way of Boro Park, where he knew he could raid a couple of wedding halls for unused alcohol gel fuel. He was trailed by a truck that included two rubber dinghies, three rubber duckies, seven styrofoam boards, and seven pickle barrels. He also had a large supply of homemade slivovitz (as an independent country, Creedmoor could operate all the distilleries it wanted, especially because the Admou"r had a habit of distilling vodka and gin from wood and other methanol-generating solids), and some kokosh cake laced with hashish. This was to be handed out to passersby who would certainly want to join his excursion to the columns under the Brooklyn Bridge rather than watch the same old boring Chabad menorah lighting that took place every year in downtown Brooklyn.

He also had a sign made with the following message: "K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Invites You to a Grand Menorah Lighting In Memory of the Zionist Entity and In Honor of the New President of North Korea, Kim Limp Duck." The sign would be hung from the Brooklyn Bridge, only because its creator could not be hanged from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finally, the Admou"r would beat those Lubavitcher tzioinim at their own game. He would khap their audience straight out from under them and take a dozen or so unwitting young Jewish families who were expecting to watch a boring ceremony at the Brooklyn docks on a cruise up the river that they would never forget. They would always remember how much better his kokosh cake was than the stale donuts and dubious latkes that issued forth from Crown Heights to spread a light far weaker than that of Doovid'l Schmoigerman, about whom it was said "Your fire will burn until the last uninsured building in the world is no longer standing!"

(Grand finale tomorrow)

Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene

BS"D Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene. Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes. Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims. The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend. We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.

Shifcha Magazine: A New Women's Magazine

BS"D

N'shei Creedmoor-East under the direction of Rebbetzin Izevel-Tzoiah-Yachne Schmoigerman is proud to launch the first issue of Shifcha Magazine - the new magazine for the new Jewish woman.

Articles include:

"Supporting Your Husband in Federal Koilel - Don't Leave it All to Fetter Shmeel!"

"Raising Children who were Thrown in Washing Machines as Babies" - special interview with Rebbetzin Dwek, mother of Solomon Dwrek, and Mrs. Weiss, mother of Yisroel Dovid Weiss.

"The Beauty of a Burqa and the Comfort of a Chador - The New Beged Isha from Farkokta Fashions."

"Making the Most of Your Federal Entitlement Benefits."

"Recipe Corner: Using a Suspicious Fire to Grill Meats and Poultry."

"Teaching Your Sons What to Look For When They're on Mishmeres haTznius Duty."

"Raising the Ultimate Menivel or Cholere"

"Eshes Chayil of the Month: Casey Anthony"

"Beauty Secrets from Helen Thomas and Hanan Ashrawi"

"Teaching Your Children to Enjoy and Participate In Machloikes."

"A Summer Wildlife Safari to Circle Square and New Joel."

The magazine is available at:

Byle's Burqas - Ramat Beit Shimush and Jewland Branches

Federal Koilel Store - Williamsburgh, Double Park and Jewland

Schnorred Shaitlach - Otisville

Byse Esav d'Creedmoor

and from your local mosque or al-Qaeda front operation.

Price: 3 EBT units or 5 foodshtempelach

Mysterious "Manganeser Rov" Makes Sudden Appearance at Sukkos Kappoores Shuk in Creedmoor

BS"D

We have just received word that a great self proclaimed tzaddik, clearly chief among the eighty (pay) tzaddikim who are so exalted and extinguished that only they know of their own tzidkus, and who calls himself the "Manganeser Rov" (apparently because of his illicit dealings in Albanian manganese ore or perhaps because he touts manganese as an alternative either to lithium or tin foil hats for being able to maintain a diagnosis of criminal insanity) was seen dressed as a chicken with a lulav in his beak at yesterday's grand Creedmoorer Sukkos Kappoores Shuk. The chicken's feathers were painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, and it was accompanied by the Rov's gabbai, Shelimiel Gezelberger, who held up a sign stating that the proceeds of any of the sheva minim bnei Noiach that were purchased from "Khal Adas Manganese" would sponsor the next "Kishke Flotilla" to Gaza which is scheduled to leave from the former Domino Sugar docks in Williamsburgh on vov d'Chol Hamoied Sukkos.

As the kappoores shuk, which is mamash a kappooreh, a kappooreh, a kappooreh, continues throughout all the 12 days of Sukkos in Creedmoor or until the last insured sukkah has been summarily set alight and visited by Hymie the Hymishe Insurance Adjuster, we hope to have more about the Manganeser Rov during (tzioinish) Chol Hamoed.

Rumors that this spectacle was simply an advertisement for a 419 or Ponzi scheme involving manganese could not be confirmed, but when scams and Creedmoor are mentioned in the same sentence, such rumors certainly cannot be denied.

World Court Expected to Decide Sdom Insurance Lawsuit in Admou"r's Favor

BS"D

We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.

It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".

More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.

Another sponsor message: "Ecumenical Tefillin Center"

BS"D

Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:

1) Poshutim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.

Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.

Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.

2) Poshutim Mehudarim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.

Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.

Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!

3) Super Mehadrin

Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.

Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.

Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.

All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.

Prices:

Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Endorsed by:

Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden

Testimonials:

"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.

"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.

Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.

Schmoigerman Confirmed as Nobel Economics Prize Winner

BS"D

No one is sure of his actual name, for his surname comes from the abbreviation for three rather pejorative Hebrew words meaning fool, "lowlife" and coarse of spirit. And he resides in the vacant part of a well known New York City psychiatric hospital, his 150 quintillion followers clearly a product of his deluded imagination.

Meet Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, fraudster extraordinaire and recipient of the 2009 Nobel Prize for Economics. Never mind that his own existence is a subject of much doubt; he has fraudulently masterminded the granting of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama as well as the granting of the economics prize to his own very self.

Yet, there are many who would argue that anyone who can successfully register 150 quintillion souls for various and sundry entitlement programs throughout the world, claim huge daily insurance payouts on burned properties which do not show on any maps, and maintain both a diagnosis of clinical insanity and his own independent country, is clearly worthy of some prize for economics.

After all, Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who admits in his authorized biography that he received higher rabbinical ordination by sending boxtops of kosher cereal to what probably was a prank offer orchestrated either by himself or a co-conspirator, has essentially created his own economy, in which his welfare and subsidy cheques as well as his insurance payouts are used to finance yet more fraud.

For instance, according to forged corporate records in the "Annals of the Great and Exalted Republic of Schmoigermania", one of the four or five registered names of the Rabbi's political entity which is located on the grounds of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman or his affiliated congregations own controlling shares in most every major insurer throughout the world. This of course enables him to pay out policies on his own properties that do not seem to exist, although it is said that he inspires a few real world followers to commit acts of arson in order to profit from properties that have lost value due to the economic downturn.

Then, there is the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, which issues foodstamps in very odd denominations, bearing only a slight resemblance to authentic United States issued food stamps and accepted only by a strange cabal of grocers who seem to have ties to the rump "Neturei Karta" (Ku Klutz Kartel) of Monsey, New York and Manchester, UK. These grocers purchase the Schmoigermanic stamps from the Bank at a price somewhere between ten and fifteen cents on the dollar to return to customers who insist on change in cash for food stamp purchases (illegal) and then accept the stamps along with 138% of the purchase price in actual stamps for purchases of prepared food, household chemicals (especially kerosene) and other items that are not sold legally in exchange for food stamps.

And when the Admou"r runs out of food stamps to fund more and more audacious fraud projects, including, for instance, the sale of defective or expended American and European medical equipment to Fourth, Fifth and Sixth world nations (it is believed there is a Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman Street in Mogadishu, Somalia, so named by a grateful warlord who was able to use the Schmoigerman fraud machine to launder money in Schmoigerman's certified Maytag and Siemens washing machines), he simply prints more and more, and trades it for the sovereignty of his country by allowing holders of American, EU and especially Iranian currency to invest in "Schmoigermania" by purchasing "Hyliger Dreck Bonds" which boast an annual interest rate of 1600% paid out in of course Schmoigerman bucks.

If the average reader does not understand this, he need look only to the economy in the United States of America, whose President just won a Nobel Peace Prize thanks to the efforts of Schmoigerman affiliated judges "50 Cent", Beyonce Knowles, Michael Moore, and Perez Hilton. The United States under the Hussein Obama administration simply prints money to fund the purchase of defunct automobile firms, as well as to bail out insurance companies. This in turn devalues its currency, real estate and other investment vehicles so that Chinese investors, as well as Arabs who expensively feed American appetites for petroleum, are able to purchase the country's strategic assets for pennies on the devalued dollar.

The main difference is that Schmoigerman seems to have no tangible assets whatsoever except holdings in a small kokosh cake bakery located in the basement of a Rockland County Chassidic enclave. Then again, said "Kalman's Kushin Tuches Kokosh Kake Fabrik" is held free and clear by its investors. American assets are mortgaged to the hilt as the US digs itself further and further into debt.

So, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, who turns phantom assets into real money, and maintains both a sovereign nation and a vehicle for obtaining welfare from most of the free world, received the Nobel Prize for Economics.

And Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama, who turns real assets into real liabilities, compromises the economic sovereignty of the United States and turns it into a vehicle for cheap sale to the highest bidder from the not so free world, received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sukkos and Preparations for Sukkos In Creedmoor

BS"D

This year, the procedures for Sukkos in Creedmoor are as follows:

Sale of 10 day insurance policies to cover sukkahs will begin today, 56790 Menachem Av 5708 according to the Creedmoorer calendar.

This year, we are pleased to offer mehudar insurance policies from our very own insurance policy groves in Palermo, Sicily. These policies cover fire and all other forms of damage and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman as the main beneficiary. All other insurance policies are considered posul this year, especially those issued by any insurance company which is tainted by the timas hatzioinis.

In addition, your choice of dalet minim (representing the arba misois byse din to which we are zoiche) will be available at specially elevated prices. This year we offer either a stone-matchbook-knife-rope set for 6789 food shtempelach, or a stone-lighter-sword-bungee cord set for 9876 food shtempelach. Our take out food department will operate as usual during the sale of dalet minim, and this year we proudly offer polystyrene resin based galle, from polystyrene plants harvested in Eretz Hakoidesh Iran. In addition, those of our nshei chayil who need a new burqa for the chag may be taken advantage of by our Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and her staff of custom tin foil burqa weavers, who will custom fit burqas and charge accordingly. Remember that this year, we do not allow any woman to visit Creedmoor unless she covers her eye slits, so please be prepared to replace your burqa at the entrance to the Creedmoor Sukkos Expo if it does not meet the new higher standards of the Creedmoor Chumra Club.

Sale of kerosene will begin only on Tzioinish Simchas Torah so that the kerosene need not be stored over the period during which the sukkah is standing for insurance inspection. Our kerosene this year is from the Iranian state petroleum corporation and is certified noki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis by Kvoid Kedishas Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani himself. We also have a supply of aged Malaysian kerosene under the hashgacha of Rabbi Dr Mahathir Mohammed but this is available only to those who can prove they have burned down at least 1000 sukkahs over the past 10 years.

Finally, our Bulvanim volunteers are available for both construction and destruction of all fully insured sukkahs. They are graciously offering sukkah construction services for only 1000 food shtempelach this year, payable over a 12 month period in equal installments of 150 shtempelach.

We end by reminding all who have the demerit of participating in the Creedmoorer sukkah festivities to please construct the sukkah walls with Tzioinish flags that are defaced with a swastika. By doing this, you will be mekayem the mitzvah of burning both swastikas and Tzioinish flags, as well as showing solidarity with the true inhabitants of the Land of Israel, may it never be restored to us until we are able to witness the final redemption of our WIC cheques for tin foil shtreimlach and fake Prada tichlach.

Der Admou"r Replies to a Tzioinish Meme

BS"D

fin Chassidsavoda.blogspot.com a tzioinish kefire blog:

Rule number one: Read the rules.
Rule number two: Write one superpower you would like to have and what you would do with it.
Rule number three: Write why you chose that superpower over everything else.
Rule number four: Tag and link 7 people and write why you think they will have an interesting meme.
Rule number five: Fix your broken links.

One: You write der rules in Englisch. I am readink only Hymisch and Ingarisch.

Two: Der superpower I am wantink is der ability tzi brennen all of the tzioinish medine to a crisp efter is gettink out all the people beck to Irak, to Ur-kasdim where we iz comink from anyway, mit a metch and just one gellon fin kerosine efter I am placink on it three hinnert insurance policies!

Three: From what I am wantink dis? Very simple. The tzioinish medine is responsible fin all of the tregideys fin mankind goink beck to der mabil but also inkludink der York messeker, Chmelnitzki, even der Armenian genocide. Iz always wantink everyone to do away mit der tzioinim and it iz clearly the foundink of the medine in 1948 det was responsible far all the tragediye goink beck to many years before it because it says in Avnye Skile that tzioinis this is tima that was created by the nachash hakadmoini and therefore has existed fin the beginnink of time. And alveys I am vant a very git return from myne investment so a gellen fin Iranischer kerosene mit Ahmadinejad's a hechsher is eppes drei tolar end insurence on the medine I ken make maybe far a few billion mit every company which I ken forge a policy.

Four: You want I should teg seven people? OK I teg:

Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Creedmoor

Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerPERSON - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Alcatraz

Haham Rahamim Loyashar, Haham BaLeylot of the Dreck for Abidun Frenkel Sephardic Center, Creedmoor

Reb Koppel Ferdganver, Rosh Koilel, Colorado Supermax Federal Koilel

I find three more when I open der velfare list again tonight by kriyas yam soof.

Rule number five: I am not havink no broken links. By mir all is rechts except when I tell myne Chassidim to vote for the links because we iz getting othervise cut fin der velfare.

Shygetz Aross to you too!

Boilish Krechtz: R' Yair Hoffman presents an interview with a real, live Creedmoorer!

BS"D



The video is from http://www.vosizneias.com/38055/ and an English translation can be found there as well. (Boilish speaks Tzioinish but no English which makes him suspect right there. I would think a real kanoi would speak Yiddish and English).

Yoilish (a desecration of the name of the heiliger Tzaddik Reb Yoilish ZYA in this case) Krauss is the self appointed kanoi in charge of the Yerushalayim demonstrations.

Please remember that the Admou"r meCreedmoor does NOT advocate destruction of property, EVEN if it is a Tzioinish dishrag-flag, EXCEPT for purposes of illicitly obtaining insurance and then being able to claim to the judge that you are a mentally incompetent pyromaniac.

Neither the Admou"r nor his purported creator endorse the actions of this "Yoil Boil ha-Niddois" and we wish him a swift and permanent cherem as he is clearly not insane, but rather corresponds to the resh in the acronym TziBuR (tzaddikim, beinoinim, you know the last one). Yetamu chatoim min haaretz, chatoim af loi choitim but I don't think anyone will miss this one if he has a little work accident the next time he and his cronies burn tires or garbage cans. Anyway, that posuk ends - vereshoim oid einom.

And if you see him on the street, it is a segula to yell "Shygetz Aross" three times so as to negate the influence of his tuma, which is 1000 times worse than tumas hatzioinis even in Creedmoor. Please check the Zionist law regarding animal abuse before throwing a brick or rock at him because it is not worth sitting in a tzioini jail for this farkokte vilde chaye. On the other hand, "Shygetz Aross" was invented specifically for this mutant.

Yoilish Krauss (Boilish Krechtz) is a clear candidate, along with Solomon Drek, for Menivel of the Year 5769, and again it would be no great tragedy for klal Yisroel if he does not quite make it into 5770 in one piece - or if he ends 5769 in so many pieces that even the true charedim leshem Hashem of ZAKA cannot find all of the shards and fragments of this fragment of a man so that he does not even merit kevura beYisroel.

The only positive thing I can find to say about this menivel is that with the former Freeky Freedy of Vienna supposedly out of the running because he has done tshive, Boilish Krechtz does the best job ever of parodying himself and his self defined kanoius every time he opens his foul trap. And unlike the one who was formerly referred to as Freeky Freedy, this menivel is dangerous and violent.

The Ku Klutz Kartel of the USA and Europe is just a clown show like this blog. This is unfortunately the real thing.

The Admou"r's Directives for the Last Days of 5769 Elul 18-20

BS"D

While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.

Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:

Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.

Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.

Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).

More coming on Elul 20..

Creedmoor Prepares for Day of Mourning

BS"D

5 Iyar, the day on which the Zionist State proclaimed independence, is the saddest day on the Creedmoorer calendar. 

At present the Admou"r and his 150 quintiliion chassidim are planning a display of fire, the likes of which the five boroughs and Rockland County have never seen before.

Sponsors include the Federal Government Superfund cleanup fund, Axa, Aetna, AIG (which acts a a sponsor thanks to a special Schmoigerman Loss Related Bailout Program), Fireman's Fund (Schmoigerman's favorite as thanks to his poor English he misunderstands the simple fact that a fireman is one who puts out fires), Generali, and many other insurance firms.

We understand that fires will be set simultaneously in as many as one million abandoned warehouses, railway yards, crack houses and similar eyesores throughout the world, using kerosene soaked Zionist flags as kindling. What is not certain is whether or not these properties exist on any official maps besides the ones generated by Schmoiger Surveying, Ltd, a shadowy title insurance firm with locations in Creedmoor and Alcatraz.

In any event, look out for special coverage of the 5 Iyar festivities as well as halachic guidelines for hosting a sreyfas hadegel celebration in your shul or home.

The Yahrtzeit Is Tomorrow!

BS"D

The 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is tomorrow, April 1, 2009.

The date commemorates the day on which the committment order was signed for David Schmoigerman, stating that he was to be confined to the Creedmoor Psychiatric Institution in perpetuity.

As for the year, the Admou"r considers 1948 to have been "der yohr ven der Yiddishe folk hot gepeygert" (the year the Jewish people "croaked") as it was of course the year in which the Zionist entity was founded.

Also, while the Admou"r was committed in 1995, he needed to backdate several deeds to 1948 in order to claim ownership of the D-ward abandoned buildings in which he resides and where his Chassidus is headquartered.

Therefore, tomorrow, April 1 (78676 Av 3, 5708) is celebrated as the 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r, as the day Creedmoorer Chassidus was revealed is most certainly a yahrtzeit for the rest of Klal Yisroel.

And of course, der Admou"r has much planned for tomorrow; a report will be posted no later than Friday of this week (which will be the last Creedmoor post until after Pesach).

A Creedmoorer is Born after a Near Death Experience

BS"D

Shmuel Goldstein, now registered with the welfare as Shmeel Gold, Samuel Goldstein, Sammy Goldman, Sammy Golder, Sammy Gonzalez and yes, Samir Ghanekar among other names, relates the amazing story of how he became a Creedmoorer Chossid after a near death experience:

Until that fateful day, I was a typical Flatbush schnook. I have an accounting degree and was working for a mortgage company, doing my job, going to shiur every day, learning Daf Yomi, and leading a quiet, respectable life in all ways. And I was happy, but that was only because until I became a Creedmoorer I did not know that the essence of life and happiness is gezel, mirma and doing everything I can do to make sure we stay in this wonderful Golus that has so many benefits, Federal, State and municipal.

Shabbos Zochor. My friend Yankel sponsored a huge kiddush. I made kiddush with regular wine and had a regular lechaim, and then I began eating the kishke.

I didn't know that Yankel, whom I thought got rich in real estate and investments, was actually a secret Creedmoorer. If I knew that I would have asked him about Creedmoor long ago because I was getting bored and tired of my plain, unexciting life and knew there had to be more out there.

But Yankel gave me a special piece of Creedmoorer kishke, which is left outside for two weeks to ferment before it is thrown into the cholent. The fermented kishke was too much for me, and I passed out.

Someone who didn't know any better called Hatzoloh, and while they were wasting their time reviving me from what was really just a deep sleep, I started to see visions.

First, I saw Gan Eden. What a boring place! It was like Flatbush and my boring shtible. Everyone was sitting quietly and learning gemoro getting ready to come back to Earth with Moshiach. Mealtimes were orderly and the food was good but not great; nothing like this great kishke I had just eaten.

Then I saw Gehennom. Now, that was my style! It reminded me of any good kiddush or simcha here; everyone talking loshon horo, trading investment tips instead of learning even though the sforim were open, and lots of interesting people hanging around.

Right there and then I knew I was just a schnook and a sucker for working and living what the shkootzim in my old shul called an ehrlicher life.

And after that, the fun started. I saw visions of my uncle olov hasholom, he was a multimillionaire even though he did two four year terms for tax evasion and insurance scams. He told me: "Me they called everything I did a chilul Hashem, but what a life I had! Everything! My Rivky had a new shaitel every week and she still has plenty that I left her and my kids married into the best families! You? What do you have? Your kids will marry the same kind as you are; square, just spinning your wheels, getting no respect, barely getting an aliya every year when I sat in mizrach even in prison shul!" He disappeared, and I was transported back in time to the sad days after World War 1, where only one man had any money in my town...

He was my zaide, Feivel Zanvil, a Chelmisher Chossid who everyone called Der Oisvorf because he ran all kinds of black market deals with schoire that no one else could get in those lean times.  And he told me in tzebruchener Aynglish that he learned in Gehennom: "Look from me! Kyner hed gelt in dose days. Oisvorf they call to me? But when they needed money, the schleppers, to who did they cry? To me, der Oisvorf! And oy I gib dem gelt tzi 100% interest, 150% ribbis, put on the line der houses. A gemach I should give them, the loserlach? Dey geven der oisvorfen in ich bin geven a gresser gvir! Zay nisht kyne sucker!"

Finally, I saw my daughter's wedding. She's a good girl and pretty too, but because I have no yichus and not much money I was worried for her that I couldn't find her a guy who would sit all day and play with his PDA in kollel while she worked and still managed to buy expensive clothing and shoes..

And at that wedding, the mesader kiddushin came to me and said: "Gib a kik, Shmeel, mach a signature on all dese forms and dis chassine is paid for. Your mechitin wouldn't want it no other way..."

He was wearing a garbage bag and a tin foil shtreimel and of course I knew who it was - der hyliger Admou"r meCreedmoor!

So when the Hatzoloh ambulance took me to Maimonides, I told the doctors I wanted to be transferred to Creedmoor after Shabbos because I knew this was a psychological reaction and my doctor was affiliated there.

What I didn't know was that borich Hashish the Admou"r had a couple of Chassidim among the Indian and Russian doctors and staff at Maimo. As soon as I mentioned Creedmoor, the nurse said that I would need evaluation by Dr Hirsch Lybe Patel.

As soon as I heard that I knew full well it was a code because I had a chavrisa in kollel whose name was Hirsch Lybe Patel according to his EBT card and I knew he was in touch with the Creedmoorer because otherwise he'd never qualify for food stamps.

Dr Patel turned out to be a real, live Indian with the letters EBT written in certifiably fake Hindi script on his forehead. His pockets were bulging with cash and cards...

He told me: "Goldstein, you crazy man, good crazy man. We get you out of here into Dr Schmoigerman's service in Creedmoor tonight. For now rest and after your Shabbat I take your information so Schmoigerman begin to help you. He great doctor and also very special rabbi. You are having new diagnosis, personalities up your side and out the other. Schmoigerman see you tonight and start your registering, I am meaning your treatment, as soon as he can..."

And that night, I got to Creedmoor and began a new life. Never mind that no official welfare or section 8 office is open Saturday nights; the Admou"r gave me seven brand new EBT cards and had me sign up every one of my new names for Section 8, SSI and welfare. He even welcomed me specially by registering a half a dozen unfinished condo towers in Florida to each name - and he showed me how to take out an insurance policy on each one while he passed on the names of the most bent fire adjusters in all of Florida.

On Monday, I was ready for release with an outpatient diagnosis that let me visit the Admou"r whenever he was in D-ward.

Today I am facing 50 counts of welfare fraud....and I pleaded guilty...................on someone else's name that I got from the Admou'r's collection of death certificates. My trial was already canceled on the basis of insanity AND being deceased.

And my daughter Sara Chaya is engaged to the son of a major Rosh Yeshiva; I've already set her up with the welfare and section 8 so she can support him while he learns in the Kollel for Advanced White Collar Offenders! The chassune will be in a new hall that we built using Section 8 money; it is as if we are renting it as apartments for each guest with the Section 8 vouchers on assumed names and then after the chassune we'll get evicted for nonpayment so we get emergency welfare for ALL 1000 guests who were kicked out! Three weeks later we'll burn it down and buy Sara Chaya and her husband a big house on Ocean Parkway that we'll burn down again in a year so we can build it even bigger!

Life iz zer git! S'iz shyne a Creedmoorer tzi zyne!