Monday, August 29, 2011
Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene
BS"D
Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene.
Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes.
Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims.
The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend.
We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.
Monday, August 15, 2011
A pohr vetter fin nuch a sponser...
BS"D
We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!
--------------------------
Do you want to make more money than you ever imagined without an honest hour's work?
Do you want people to worship the ground you walk on as they literally throw money at your feet, into your hands and into every bank account you can open in the US, Eretz-Yisrool and Schvitzerlant?
All you have to do is...
Become A Chassidishe Rebbe!
And we offer you all the secrets to opening your own rebbistive in less than 90 days!
Our "I want to be a Rebbe" kit includes:
A coupon good for 50% off your choice of colored bekeshe made for you by our expert Hong Kong tailors.
A shtramel made from a schvantz that doesn't come up to the kind of schvantz who will make you rich when word spreads of your special brooches.
A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.
Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.
A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.
And most importantly of all...an E-book full of kabbalistic secrets handed down by your ancestors that you can customize and print to show you really wrote a sefer!
If you buy today, we'll even throw in:
A list of available basements in Boro Park, Flatbush and Williamsburg.
A guide to establishing a tax-exempt not for profit company that still lets you keep all your kvittel gelt and back up your claim of supporting thousands of "orimer leit."
A book of verifiable stories of the great miracles your ancestors were responsible for, all the way back to the mabil!
and..
A real ilan yoichsin (family tree) showing that your ancestors were rabbonim going back at least to the time of Homon haRosho!
Testimonials:
"Reb Shmilke Otisviller didn't sound too good. So I bought this kit and I finds myneself a little village in Romania called Kabanos. Now I am Der Kabanoszer Roov and I am taking twenty, thirty, fifty cigarettes for a brooche at every melave malke. Even the shygetz guards are paying me in real cash because they know I can use my accounts to cover for some of the stuff they sell in here!"
Shmeel Paskudny, Otisville, NY
"I try to come here from Israel and sell brachot like real mekubal with hood on my head. The shiknoozi, they say I Ku Klux Klan, I no-good frenk, I not real. So I buy this kit, ya'allah, I find out there is town in Hungary called Schlockdorf and I get a nice new silver robe and fur hat and learn to mumble a few words in Yiddish to everyone who comes to my old auto body shop. Now I'm the Admou"r meSchlockdorf and my picture is up in every shawarma place and car service in Brooklyn, and I sell my picture 20 dollars a 5 by 7 just paper and even 5000 dollars in a silver plated frame with money going to Schlockdorfer Mesivta Rabbenu Bar-Minan Chai!"
Rahamim Azzebaly Cohen, Flatbush
How much do you think such a package is worth? If you say $2000, you are not even close. It is worth millions of tax-free dollars! But we'll sell it to you in 12 easy installments of $120 each, and we'll even daven for you at the kever of the first Geshtorbener Rebbe in Shtorberg, on the border between Poland and Norway!
Get it now before there are no more towns in Europe left for you to claim and we end up having to substitute a post office box in Morocco!
We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!
--------------------------
Do you want to make more money than you ever imagined without an honest hour's work?
Do you want people to worship the ground you walk on as they literally throw money at your feet, into your hands and into every bank account you can open in the US, Eretz-Yisrool and Schvitzerlant?
All you have to do is...
Become A Chassidishe Rebbe!
And we offer you all the secrets to opening your own rebbistive in less than 90 days!
Our "I want to be a Rebbe" kit includes:
A coupon good for 50% off your choice of colored bekeshe made for you by our expert Hong Kong tailors.
A shtramel made from a schvantz that doesn't come up to the kind of schvantz who will make you rich when word spreads of your special brooches.
A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.
Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.
A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.
And most importantly of all...an E-book full of kabbalistic secrets handed down by your ancestors that you can customize and print to show you really wrote a sefer!
If you buy today, we'll even throw in:
A list of available basements in Boro Park, Flatbush and Williamsburg.
A guide to establishing a tax-exempt not for profit company that still lets you keep all your kvittel gelt and back up your claim of supporting thousands of "orimer leit."
A book of verifiable stories of the great miracles your ancestors were responsible for, all the way back to the mabil!
and..
A real ilan yoichsin (family tree) showing that your ancestors were rabbonim going back at least to the time of Homon haRosho!
Testimonials:
"Reb Shmilke Otisviller didn't sound too good. So I bought this kit and I finds myneself a little village in Romania called Kabanos. Now I am Der Kabanoszer Roov and I am taking twenty, thirty, fifty cigarettes for a brooche at every melave malke. Even the shygetz guards are paying me in real cash because they know I can use my accounts to cover for some of the stuff they sell in here!"
Shmeel Paskudny, Otisville, NY
"I try to come here from Israel and sell brachot like real mekubal with hood on my head. The shiknoozi, they say I Ku Klux Klan, I no-good frenk, I not real. So I buy this kit, ya'allah, I find out there is town in Hungary called Schlockdorf and I get a nice new silver robe and fur hat and learn to mumble a few words in Yiddish to everyone who comes to my old auto body shop. Now I'm the Admou"r meSchlockdorf and my picture is up in every shawarma place and car service in Brooklyn, and I sell my picture 20 dollars a 5 by 7 just paper and even 5000 dollars in a silver plated frame with money going to Schlockdorfer Mesivta Rabbenu Bar-Minan Chai!"
Rahamim Azzebaly Cohen, Flatbush
How much do you think such a package is worth? If you say $2000, you are not even close. It is worth millions of tax-free dollars! But we'll sell it to you in 12 easy installments of $120 each, and we'll even daven for you at the kever of the first Geshtorbener Rebbe in Shtorberg, on the border between Poland and Norway!
Get it now before there are no more towns in Europe left for you to claim and we end up having to substitute a post office box in Morocco!
Thursday, August 04, 2011
More News Briefs
BS"D
We have just learned the following:
1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.
2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.
Giant update coming after 9 Av.
We have just learned the following:
1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.
2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.
Giant update coming after 9 Av.
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