Thursday, February 14, 2013

Will Moshe Aryeh Friedman Be the Next Pope?


The staff of Der Shygetz/The Creedmoor Chronicles is busy fabricating and investigating rumors regarding the imminent confirmation of the appointment of Moshe Aryeh Friedman to the papacy. His candidacy was endorsed by a mysterious Cardinal Davide Stronzetto de Menuvallo, who somehow turned the Vatican into an EU member state and registered it as having over forty million unemployed and disabled residents. Cardinal de Menuvallo, who claims to represent the Archdiocese of Acqua di Candeggina in Sardinia, was spotted wearing a red macaw-feather shtreimel-like headdress and little else while disrobing and performing exotic dances in front of the Vatican with EU observers observing the scene.

It is believed Friedman will take the name Pope Malediction the First, and that he and the mysterious cardinal will extend Vatican rule to the tzioinish medine. It is also believed that a bissel tryfe gelt, perhaps a few trillion Euros, might be all it takes to remove the new pope and his protector.

We await more news regarding this most auspicious and fictitious event as well as final information on where the Friedman children will be learning this Peerim zman. Will the Friedman clan be enrolled in a new Catholic school directed by the Pope himself, or will they begin classes in a new madrassa financed by food stamps?

We do know that Moshe Aryeh Friedman is presently holed up in the janitorial closet of the Bnos Soro Seminary in Antwerpen, which now bears a hand-lettered sign saying "Grand Yeshiva of Kehillas Sharia d'Antverp." Our reporters are trying to enter the closet at present but it barely has room even for one little noxious crawling insect from Williamsburgh.

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