Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall considers herself fortunate indeed to have found a new employer who is just as committed as she is to diversity and social change, to say nothing of anti-globalization and anti-imperialism - namely the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. Of course the Admou"r was committed to certain facilities as well, but this hardly bothered Lilac Blossom, as she was ready to share in the voluntary and fictitious incarceration of her new spiritual high guru.
Like all good self appointed socially revolting activists, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall was actually born Jewish! Apparently, the family name in Europe had been Flomschafter, as the family business had something to do with sales of defective plums. So, her socially conscious and physically often unconscious (due to heavy use of LSD) mother had changed the surname to Prunepit, and McCall was simply the name of a fellow social revoltary who had possibly fathered Lilac Blossom's daughter, Peach Stone.
In fact, Miss "Most Pure Gift of the Holiest Earth Mother Peach Stone Cannabis Leaf Prunepit Blossoming Tulip Patchouli Sewer Garden Peyote McCall - Jamal - Nkogongko - X" was taken from her mother as an infant due to impossibly high levels of 2,4,D, a common garden herbicide, in her blood. When social workers and doctors alike interviewed her regarding the presence of what is commonly known as Weed-B-Gon in her bloodstream, she answered: "There was like a destructive imperialist paternal spiritual weed growing in my belly that threatened the purity and tenderness of my little baby who is a part of our pure and much loved Earth Mother, so I drank a cup of Weed-B-Gon along with my daily joint every morning!" Needless to say, such an answer was just what Social Services needed to confiscate little Peach Stone, who, in true InSane Francisco style, was placed with a family of illegal migrant workers from Rio Basura, Mexico, and was eventually deported to Mexico as her adoptive parents could not possibly convince the authorities as to the veracity of the highly unlikely story of the origins of their little girl, which could only be true in progressive, open-minded InSanE Francisco and nearby Most High Berkeley.
So, when the Admou"r took over Alcatraz, her former job as tour guide was upgraded to that of: "Rebbetzin, West Coast Division, Disjointed Association of Progressive Communities of Creedmoor."
And the new Rebbetzin was amazed by the cultural diversity of the members of her new community, especially as her constant use of peyote and lysergic acid diethylamide rendered her impervious to the fact that she and the Admou"r were the only physical inhabitants of Alcatraz Island.
"Look, Lilak Blossem, who I heve here! Mkabele, Hernandez, O'Reilly, Cohen, Longtree, Roundleg, Van Der Gutter, Stronzetti (you know, like Sekko end Ventzetti), Kovalski, Vegner, Schlokhendler, Vargas, Ferdganver...det's my fight against der Zionist Imperialist Regime fin Americhke!" Never mind that each surname was attached to eleven hundred different first names, and that these were duly submitted to every possible state and federal entitlement program - Lilac Blossom could not help but be impressed that an old fashioned rabbi, dressed in black garbage bags and a tin foil hat, led such an amazingly diverse community!
"End now ve're gonna go far der big time! We gonna konker to Guantenemo end get rid from the Zionist imperialist regime and get free health care end welfare far all der prizonners!" Of course in Creedmoor parlance, this simply meant hacking the computers at Gitmo, so as to obtain a new batch of surnames to place on applications for the three things on which Creedmoor stands - welfare (fraud), section 8 (fraud) and disability (fraud). But Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall could hardly hide her excitement:
"When do we start, holy Rabbi?" she asked. "First, I want you should sing det song about Guantanamo - you know, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just One Ton Mierda, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just one ton mierda..." "Oooh - that is so spiritual! Mierda is Spanish for organic fertilizer, you know, and that is the lifestream of Mother Earth..." "Yes, det's right - mit dreck you fertilize a Bush, oichet a Shrub!" "Ohhh...holy leader, lifeblood of my entire being, I thank you every day that I am alive.."
And of course the Admou"r was so thankful to his new Rebbetzin that he promptly signed both of her surnames up on his new randomizer program, so that welfare and similar cheques would now be issued to Latonya Spirochete Prunepit, Latrine McCall, Lilac Blossom Wercberger, Prunepit Fekete, and who knows what other permutations of the honored surname Prunepit-McCall and the floral honorific that preceded it.
"Now, I make to you levitate and you imagine det you is in Gitmo. I want you should keep singink One Ton Mierda": said the Admou'r as he hoisted Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom onto her own petard using a crane and winch stolen from the InSanE Francisco Parks Department. "Dis is a crane what I liberated from der imperialist Parkink Department, you know, so it is a thing of much holiness! When you up there, I want you should take your spetzialer meditzin, NOT der veed killer, but der psikedelikatessen blotter paper stuff, and keep sayink numbers!"
"Anything to get rid of the Zionist Imperialist Bushwhack Occupation Forces at Guantanamo, my holy leader"
"OK, up, up in der erd, I mean de air - you go. Now keep sayink numbers!"
A barrage of nonsense began to be heard from the now airborne Rebbetzin, while her husband and master clicked on some magic keys on his brand new Zionist Occupationalist Dell laptop, equipped with the latest in identity theft software from Russia and Nigeria.
"Ve did to it! Now I want you should come down and do a little typink so we finish der job!"
"But I am so disappointed! You know it is discrimination and not politically correct for a man to ask a woman to do typing!"
"Yes, I understend from dis. But I am not spellink too good and my hends is tiret. Wait, you know, I ken do dis:"
And the Admou"r hacked into the US DoD system at Guantanamo, adding Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall and eleven children as dependents of each prisoner incarcerated there, ten times over. Meanwhile, in Creedmoor East Coast, his latest loyal gabbai, Dr Wakshmad Tattimurthy, read each computer file, printed it out, and couriered it to his moles in various welfare offices.
The conquest of Guantanamo was complete, and not a single shot was fired. For her valor in this effort, Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall received 100 pounds of "Super Mehadrin Magic" dried mushrooms, under the strict supervision of the Chevras Narronim d'Creedmoor. And under her bed of straw and feathers was a whole yard of her favorite blotter paper, lovingly emblazoned, in calligraphic style, with the initials L-S-D.
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