Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Gimpel Fort Tzi der Welfare - A Creedmoorer Outwits the Bureaucracy

As it is long since time that these days turn into ymei mishte vesimcha, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the chassidim of the heiliger Rizhiner, who goofed off on 9 Av so that the Rizhiner asked that Hashem take back the day since his Chassidim did not know how to respect it.

So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:

GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"

Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!

----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----

GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!

Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!

GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!

Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!

GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!

Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!

GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!

Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?

GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.

Clerk: How you spell dat?

GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R

Clerl; OK I got dat!

GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.

Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!

GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!

GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: OK you decide man!

GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!

Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!

GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.

Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!

GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!

Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!

GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!

Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!

GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!

Clerk: Dat be cool!

Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.

He returns to the office:

GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?

Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!

Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.

Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!

Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!


Anonymous said...

Shh, you're giving away too many secrets.

Der Shygetz said...


It'z OK - marbeh bewelfare, marbeh be2000 tolar shytlach end det keepz goink der hymisher ekonomy!