Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ultra-Wide Circulation Chassidic Newspaper Paralyzed by Circulation Audit


"They have been auditing my circulation for weeks now, and what have they found? Gornisht! The air here circulates, my blood circulates, and my stories circulate to all one hundred and fifty quintillion Chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor!"

Such is the plaintive protest of Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, known along with his newspaper as Der Shygetz, and the definitive chronicler of the exploits of his community, which are so fancifully fraught with fraud that many claim them to be fictional.

"It all started when that little moiser rat frenk Solly Drek showed up here and tried to get me to launder money from his counterfeit bag business. He offered me a check, I threw it in my washing machine, forgot to hit the On button and of course he could cash it. But his bag, that was a different story. He gives me a bag marked Guchi, spelled just like that, G-U-C-H-I. I ask the Admou"r, is that how you spell it and he says no, the designer is eppes an Ingarisher and nisht a frenk like Drek or even a Galitzianer like you, and we spell it G-U-C-S-I so that bag is as fake as a seventeen food stamp bill! This too I throw in the washing machine, add some dollar store Chinese laundry detergent that the Admou"r's gabbai bought with his EBT card, press the ON button and this supposed leather bag disintegrates. Drek the rat frenk moiser is wearing a wire, and he goes and tells the Feds that I laundered the money. Yeah, I threw a check in the washing machine and nothing happened. But I throw his fake bag in the washing machine and it disintegrates worse than a dried out lulav from three years ago Sukkos that Schmoigerman's Sforim Store sells to the eco-freaks this year for 400 dollars as a recycled lulav! So Drek goes to the Feds, and they can't get me on money laundering so they come here and audit my circulation all day!"

The focus of the circulation audit is on the internet version of Der Shygetz, known as the Creedmoor Chronicles. Investigators and other disappointed fans claim it abruptly ceased publication after unmasking the rather drekish sources of the Drek family fortune, and are pressing After-Hours-Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher to resume publication of the Creedmoor Chronicles immediately.

Says Pashkvilkemacher: "They want me to publish again the Chronicles, they should stop auditing me and let me be. I'm only on vacation now because the Admou"r G-d rest his brain is in Alcatraz for the summer and when he is there he gets on such a spiritual and acidical high that he doesn't tell me what is going on for weeks on end! Of course I know Drek's uncle is a shtick drek, but that I know because my sister Chaye Behyme who's on food stamps herself ever since she couldn't get insurance to pay for the 2000 dollar fake Prada tichel her dry cleaner ruined, went there to buy clothing once and she tells me he sells baking powder in the parking lot and all the customers hang out back there and smoke it.

So get out of my circulation, leave me alone for another week or so and I'll be back! As it says in the famous "Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah" petek that the Admou"r got from the hyliger Motzi Shem Ra: "Myne insurance flamm will burn until the very end of time!"

In other words, Creedmoor Forever, and I'll be back soon :). Sorry for the extended break but I should be back next week with the final disposal of Solomon Drek, the wannabe moiser of Creedmoor.

Here is a preview: "You want kidneys in a Prada bag! Here you go, and you can even have a full pound of my new all beef halal Frenks thrown in!" And with that, the Admou"r handed Solomon Drek a fake Prada bag, containing three pounds of kidney beans, two packages of hot dogs of dubious kashrus which were stamped with expiration dates well before the end of the last decade, and a recipe for 'Sholam Weiss Jailhouse Franks and Beans'. Drek, who immediately understood the import of the Admou"r's rather unusual and out of season shalach munes, ran from Creedmoor as fast as his corpulent little legs would carry him..................."

1 comment:

Der Shygetz said...


Incidentally the Admou"r is suing Google for discrimination. He entered "Get Lost" in the new Google Translate for Yiddish and got

באַקומען פאַרפאַלן (Bakumen Farfal'n)

Of course he translates Get Lost! as Shygetz Aross, so he is suing for discrimination against Ingarischer kanoim, who are of course a persecuted minority!