Monday, August 03, 2009

Preview - Solomon Drek, the Singing Canary of Creedmoor


Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.

After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.

Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.

Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.

Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.

And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.

They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"

Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.

Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.

Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.

That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.

And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.

Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....

More coming later this week...

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