Monday, March 04, 2013

Matzois Arzei HaLevanoin - FAQs


The response to our advertisement for Matzois Arzei HaLevanoin has been overwhelming. We are producing additional loads to meet demand.

We have received several questions which we would like to answer on behalf of our extinguished present and potential clientele:

1) Are these matzos eco-kosher?
  • Yes. We are very environmentally conscious. All of the cedars used to enrich our matzos were harvested using suicide bombers, whose remains were in turn processed into organic fertilizer. Their belts were processed into the glue that is used to keep these matzos together.
2) Why can't I get these matzos in a regular store?
  • These matzos are free of any taint of Zionism. They are sent by special courier to our authorized dealers, who are the only ones that handle the boxes until you buy them. We hope to have them available in major supermarkets throughout Teheran, as well as in the Natanz Nuclear World Mall, in time for Pesach.
3) What can I do with leftover Matzois Arzei haLevanoin?
  • They are useful for repairing large holes in wooden and sheetrock walls. You can even use them in place of sheet metal for repairing rusted or corroded car fenders. Of course, you can soak them with kerosene and mount a poorly wired electrical device on each one if you are facing foreclosure but still have a good insurance policy. No adjuster will ever believe you used matzos to mount a light switch, so you'll get away with your very own insurance adjustment.
4) Can you recommend a good seder wine to go with Matzois Arzei haLevanoin?
  • Certainly. Creedmoor will release a new wine just in time for Pesach. It is called Candeggina Bianca di Tutti Bianchi and it has a low alcohol content. This delicious Italian wine is under the supervision of the Beis Din Tzedek of the Vatican, and it will be released later this week when we confirm the choice of the Creedmoorer candidate for the papacy, the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman.
5) How many of these matzos do I have to eat to be yoitze the Seder?
  • Four, to symbolize the Arba Misois Beis Din. We keep the prices low so you'll be able to afford all the matzos you need, as well as any necessary medical treatment related to consumption of these matzos.
6) Are these matzois produced by workers who are treated properly?
  • Certainly. We want our workers to be part of the whole Pesach experience, so we treat them the way Paroi treated slaves. All of our workers are illegal aliens who cannot find employment elsewhere because the evil Zionist regime in the Domain of the Great Satan does not allow them to work. We give them an opportunity to serve as unpaid laborers for our matzos, which taste much like the bricks that Bnei Yisroel made in Mitzrayim. The mashgichim are quick to physically discipline any worker who makes so much as one mistake, and pay is docked routinely for the most minor infraction. This is how we keep our expenses down and our quality high. Our average worker is indebted to us for $8,000 for penalties as well as for assistance with immigration papers. We are proud to be the first factory outside of China to earn the "Sweatshop Seal," which is awarded only to those factories that truly get the most out of each of their workers.

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