Creedmoorer Leader Sets Exchange Rate for Food Stamp

BS"D

A coalition of retailers which accept the US Food Stamp as legal tender for the purchase of items that are excluded from the Food Stamp program has asked a controversial Queens rabbi to set a unified food stamp exchange rate.

Gimpel Grosz, proprietor of "Eeew, It's Grosz" Hardware and Furnishings, who accepts food stamps for "alle zachen" at varying rates, and his cousin Shmilu Fekete, whose "Fekete Hymish Bakery" sells mostly prepared goods that are not covered by the program, approached the rabbi, David Schmoigerman, after an argument as to whether a food stamp is worth seventy-five cents or eighty cents.

Schmoigerman adjudicated the dispute by referring to his famed work of Jewish law "Sur MeYoisher" in which he had set the exchange rate of the food stamp to equal the price of three square inches of kokosh cake, a common food item that is not covered by the food stamp program.

Since the price for a three square inch piece of kokosh cake varies from 65 cents to $1.50, Rabbi Schmoigerman instead set an exchange rate of 85 cents to the food stamp with the stipulation that he receive 10 cents on each food stamp as a fee for deciding the case.

The feuding cousins agreed to this rate and accepted upon themselves the task of collecting the 10 cent commission from all participating merchants.

Said merchants will display a "Gezel Plimbe", a seal stating that they operate in flagrant violation of US government laws regarding the food stamp program. 

The "gezel plimbe" is meant to frighten inspectors into believing that any attempt at enforcing those laws will be met with a "Chaptzem! Shygetz Aross! Shecht'em in a brooche" response from all participating merchants once a signal is sent out that an inspector has entered a participatings store.

So far, 100 leading retailers in Williamsburgh, Boro Park, Monsey and Monroe have joined the program.  

Emergency Kashrus Psak and New Calendar System from Der Admou"r

BS"D

"It is totally, utterly and very strictly forbidden to walk in the ways of the goyim and the Tzioinim in any way, shape or form!  Work and honest business dealings are considered chukas hagoyim al pi tabaat the extinguished and unsalted writings of my hyliger ancestors and all other gedoilim who cling to the walls of the kisse hakavoid and can be removed only through heavy scrubbing and brushing.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim that any food product, even those which are certified 'naki mekoil chashas timas haTzioinis' such as the Saudi Arabian petroleum kishke and Malaysian rubber cholent potatoes sold under our affiliated brand name Maachal Ben Drusoy, is considered tryfe and nevyle when purchased for cash earned according to legal means as defined by the justice system and society of the Tzioinim or the Tzioinish and Tumadige Republic of Americhke or its Canadian satellite. 

As of today 5539 Av 5708*/641 Ramadan 1329, even our chain of Bais Chaval tourist centers which welcome tourists in the manner of Sdoim of old are instructed not to serve any food for Tuesday Shabbos dinners and Thursday cholent lunches if this food must be obtained with cash which is earned through any means other than scamming, and we once again remind the shluchim of Beis Chaval that they must uphold the standards of Creedmoor in every way no matter how far they are located from Byse Chayosynee and what planetary system governs the jurisdiction in which they are located.

I instruct those who walk in the remaining half watt of Chassidis Creedmor ve'shaar marin bishin to eat only that which is known to have been purchased with fraudulent welfare benefits, even if it means foregoing those Creedmoorer products which are available in remote communities where one risks confiscation of forged welfare benefits and similar instruments of trade which are among those accepted under this edict, and those who are machmir to purchase all foodstuffs with counterfeit currency are especially praiseworthy (ubaal goial nefesh yachmir)!"

* In addition, as of today we count the date from the establishment of the Tzioinish medina which is redefined as 9 Av 5708, and since there can be no simcha after the establishment of the medine there is no month other than Av in the Naye Creedmoorer Luach. In addition out of respect for our Islamic brethren in the cause of destroying the Tzioinish entity it is praiseworthy to use a date in Ramadan as well.

We must rely on the same hallowed and arbitrary means of calculating the exact day as we use when calculating the amount of welfare benefits accruing to each personality al pi the sefer Kaballah "Azazel HaMalach" of the Admou"r haKoidesh of Leavenworth ZYL"A, so that it matters little what day in Av it is, only that all dates have four digits or more in Av 5708 when the sun stopped shining over Tel Baruch and the land stopped giving its bounty..............

-Admou'r Dovid Schmoigerman, Great Light of the Nation Allied in Deceit and Gross Theft (Ha'am misyacheid bemirma vegezel), Grand Rabbi of the Disjointed Community of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor and All Branches Thereof Throughout All Galaxies In Which Welfare and Disabilty Benefits Are Granted and Where Fire Insurance Policies May Be Issued.

Signed this day of 898676 Av 5708/3245 Ramadan 1409. 

Urgent Request!

Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:

We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.

So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.

Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av

For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.

Or, you can join us and

BURN BABY BURN

Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!

For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!