Sunday, November 01, 2009

Breaking News: Creedmoorer Soifer Found Floating in Aegean Sea


The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.

Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.

Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.

However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.

Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.

Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.

So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.

However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.

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