Friday, June 04, 2010

"CSS Moishe Hirsch" sinks: substance best left unidentified nearly spills out near beach


An environmental disaster of British Petroleum dimensions was narrowly averted when the "CSS Moishe Hirsch," a 400 foot inflatable raft filled with provisions intended for delivery to Gaza, sank off the coast of Brooklyn. This raft was one of a second flotilla sent out by a mysterious Chassidic rebbe from Queens who had failed in his earlier attempt to send 16 rafts to Gaza for insurance purposes.

The raft, which instead of being inflated with air was inflated in insurable value and filled with a noxious and malodorous substance known as "galle," was found at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean a few feet from Brighton Beach by "Boris", a local resident who, among other ventures, is said to be an insurance adjuster specializing in maritime disasters.

"Boris", whose Social Security records show that he was 132 years old at the time of the explosion of the Chernobyl power plant near where he resided at the time and who subsequently emigrated to the United States, is supposedly totally disabled as a result of the blast. However, he managed to valiantly and singlehandedly rescue the 400 foot, 11 ton "CSS Moishe Hirsch" and thereby prevent the noxious "galle" from polluting the water.

When our Russian affairs reporter attempted to speak to Boris in Russian, he replied "you want dat ship should gay kocken affn yam mit all der galle? leave from me alone please"!

It is believed that "Boris" may be the mysterious Rebbe himself, and another business card which he carried advertised his services as an environmental cleanup expert. It is further rumored that after his brave escapade in saving the CSS "Moishe Hirsch" and billing the City of New York "thirty finf million foodshtempelach" for his services, that he is headed to tackle the BP spill as well so as to give the Obama administration a reason to print yet more "foodshtempelach".

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