BS"D
If this yukel falls for this one then he is the dumbest accumulation of cells that has inhabited the earth since the extinction of the dodo bird!
LS"D
Dear Mr Wantan:
I would be very delighted to assist you with every form of moral, financial and athletic support necessary for the mutual success of our transaction. I am a graduate of the Madoff Institute of Financial Defalcations and as such am one of the few licenced financial defalcators who is able to assist you in this most defalcatory and unsavoury transaction.
However, since it is clear to me that you are of the famous Wantan family which has bestowed its gift of Wantan soup to the world, and particularly to Chinese restaurants, I would appreciate your sending me, post haste, your paternal grandmother's recipe for same.
Sincerely,
Grand Rabbi Pandit Guru Dawood Singh Azazel Schmoigerman
Sing Sing Chinese Food Importers
Ossining, New York
-----Original Message-----
From: Chang Wantan [mailto:inpexcorporation@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:40 AM
Subject: Legal Representative Postion
Dear Sir/Madam,
It is a pleasure to write to you in respect of our company, TEIKOKU OIL &
GAS CO., LTD(INPEX CORPORATION). We are experts in the sales of raw materials.
We export into the Canada/America/parts of Europe. We are searching for representatives
who can help us establish a medium of getting our funds from our costumers
Update. Even 419 scammer stupidity has its limits. Mr Chang Wantan did not reply and of course at least one E-mail address of his bounced. Oh, well.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Finally: The source of the concept "Pay Tzaddik"
BS"D
In between krechtzen and eating the famous Creedmoorer cholent on Pluto (hint hint: it is usually sold in Korea and China), the Admou"r finally explained the concept of "Pay Tzaddik" as follows:
"In earlier generations before tzioinis, before Avrohom Avini came along and separated us from the worship of wood and stone, only thirty six tzaddikim were necessary to support the entire world. Today, we need twice that number, which is seventy-two. However, nothing is more hylig today than Section 8, which when added to seventy-two, equals eighty, gematriya pay. So to be among the pay tzaddikim, the eighty tzaddikim who are so holy no one else recognizes their holiness, one must proclaim that he is a tzaddik, and receive seventy-two section 8 vouchers."
The Admou"r then krechtzed 80 times, filling the Beis Medrash Toire veSkila dePluto with a smell that put the smell of the fires of Sdoim to shame.
In between krechtzen and eating the famous Creedmoorer cholent on Pluto (hint hint: it is usually sold in Korea and China), the Admou"r finally explained the concept of "Pay Tzaddik" as follows:
"In earlier generations before tzioinis, before Avrohom Avini came along and separated us from the worship of wood and stone, only thirty six tzaddikim were necessary to support the entire world. Today, we need twice that number, which is seventy-two. However, nothing is more hylig today than Section 8, which when added to seventy-two, equals eighty, gematriya pay. So to be among the pay tzaddikim, the eighty tzaddikim who are so holy no one else recognizes their holiness, one must proclaim that he is a tzaddik, and receive seventy-two section 8 vouchers."
The Admou"r then krechtzed 80 times, filling the Beis Medrash Toire veSkila dePluto with a smell that put the smell of the fires of Sdoim to shame.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Yichis Breef Returns - El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia
BS"D
The eldest son of Don Hayim Vital, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, brought the reputation of the de Menubal family to new lows with a whole host of schemes and scams which took advantage of the least fortunate of the population of the entire Spanish Empire.
Indeed, his infamous "Flores de Toracina" scam was known as far afield as what is now Tangier, Morocco and was then part of Spanish Andalucia.
First of all, El Rey Samuel Gronem was the first Jew in the Spanish empire to take on a non-Jewish and non-Arabic name. Somewhere, he had heard the name Geronimo, and decided that he would have a better chance of having his new medical discovery accepted if he added this name to his own, because at the time it was an unusual name. However, in Jewish pronunciation, it was truncated to Gronem (note: this is NOT a correct etymology for the name Shmuel Groinem and applies only to descendants of the de Menubal family, most of whom only exist on the section 8, welfare, Medicaid and SSI rolls and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman or one of his wives as their legal guardian).
And El Rey Samuel Gronem, who indeed was recognized by himself and his handful of loyal subjects as the king of Toracinia after the passing of his extinguished father, also claimed to be a skilled physician, in the tradition of many Jews of the region.
But this self appointed king and physician was actually an expert in bloodletting not of the medical variety but of the financial sort. And his fortune was based on the "discovery" of an interesting species of flower growing in the precincts of Toracinia. It was yellow and of no particular beauty, but its real interest to the budding pharmaceutical tycoon was its reproductive form, in which it sprouted a ball of puffy white seeds that would disperse with the wind and eventually grow into yellow flowers before reaching the puffball stage.
If you guessed that the "Flores de Toracinia" were but common dandelions, you would be one hundred and fifty per cent correct, one hundred and fifty per cent being the wholesale markup which was charged by the "Compania Santa de Flores de Toracinia" - the "Holy Company of the Flowers of Toracinia" for packages of either the dried or fresh flowers or the white, puffy seeds.
And what were these seeds supposed to do for whoever ate or inhaled them? Well, the only people who could attest to their benefits were the "Locos de Toracinia," the insane folk who had been living in caves and mountain dugouts in the rocky, infertile region. Yet, the great pharmaceutical tycoon to be, the one and only El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, would transcribe their stories of visions of grandeur, of increased energy, of being great noblemen and kings, and claim that all of this was due to their ingestion of the Flores de Toracinia.
In short, the self appointed king and florid scammer claimed to be selling hallucinogens. But to those for whom hallucination did not appeal, he claimed that eating the seeds as opposed to inhaling them would produce a calming effect, even for rambunctious children and teenagers. Yes, this great medical discovery was the predecessor to Ritalin, in that it supposedly caused hallucinations in susceptible individuals while calming others.
And who would decide what category each customer belonged in and therefore what price he would pay? Why, of course, a veritable army of gullible salesmen who themselves had to pay an initial fee of hundreds of reals in authentic currency to buy their own stock.
Yes, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia was also the predecessor of Herbalife, Amway, and other MLM programs, both legitimate and in the case of its founder, completely spurious. Regardless of how many packages of Flores de Toracinia each "marco" (the first name used by the salesmen regardless of their actual name also became a term of derision for their customers and was the source of the term "mark" for a sucker who is recruited for a de Menubal type scam) sold, the "Compania Santa" would make a huge profit, for dandelions grow like weeds even in rocky Toracinia.
But the millions of reals in profit that came into the coffers of sovereign Toracinia, along with the profits from its debased currency that still was exchanged for actual gold at a ratio of 1:80, was not enough for its king.
He soon turned his greedy eyes toward a particularly weatherbeaten and unappetizing section of the Moorish fortress that had purportedly existed in Toracinia and was now a heap of rubble. The castle was still known as "Crede des Moros" - "The Faith of the Moors," and soon it would be put to use as a medical treatment facility of a type similar to a modern day facility in Queens, New York that bears a similar name.
In other words, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia would build an insane asylum amidst the ruins of his purported fortress. While the patients may have been insane, its founder's motive in building the new hospital was, as always, pure greed.
The eldest son of Don Hayim Vital, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, brought the reputation of the de Menubal family to new lows with a whole host of schemes and scams which took advantage of the least fortunate of the population of the entire Spanish Empire.
Indeed, his infamous "Flores de Toracina" scam was known as far afield as what is now Tangier, Morocco and was then part of Spanish Andalucia.
First of all, El Rey Samuel Gronem was the first Jew in the Spanish empire to take on a non-Jewish and non-Arabic name. Somewhere, he had heard the name Geronimo, and decided that he would have a better chance of having his new medical discovery accepted if he added this name to his own, because at the time it was an unusual name. However, in Jewish pronunciation, it was truncated to Gronem (note: this is NOT a correct etymology for the name Shmuel Groinem and applies only to descendants of the de Menubal family, most of whom only exist on the section 8, welfare, Medicaid and SSI rolls and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman or one of his wives as their legal guardian).
And El Rey Samuel Gronem, who indeed was recognized by himself and his handful of loyal subjects as the king of Toracinia after the passing of his extinguished father, also claimed to be a skilled physician, in the tradition of many Jews of the region.
But this self appointed king and physician was actually an expert in bloodletting not of the medical variety but of the financial sort. And his fortune was based on the "discovery" of an interesting species of flower growing in the precincts of Toracinia. It was yellow and of no particular beauty, but its real interest to the budding pharmaceutical tycoon was its reproductive form, in which it sprouted a ball of puffy white seeds that would disperse with the wind and eventually grow into yellow flowers before reaching the puffball stage.
If you guessed that the "Flores de Toracinia" were but common dandelions, you would be one hundred and fifty per cent correct, one hundred and fifty per cent being the wholesale markup which was charged by the "Compania Santa de Flores de Toracinia" - the "Holy Company of the Flowers of Toracinia" for packages of either the dried or fresh flowers or the white, puffy seeds.
And what were these seeds supposed to do for whoever ate or inhaled them? Well, the only people who could attest to their benefits were the "Locos de Toracinia," the insane folk who had been living in caves and mountain dugouts in the rocky, infertile region. Yet, the great pharmaceutical tycoon to be, the one and only El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, would transcribe their stories of visions of grandeur, of increased energy, of being great noblemen and kings, and claim that all of this was due to their ingestion of the Flores de Toracinia.
In short, the self appointed king and florid scammer claimed to be selling hallucinogens. But to those for whom hallucination did not appeal, he claimed that eating the seeds as opposed to inhaling them would produce a calming effect, even for rambunctious children and teenagers. Yes, this great medical discovery was the predecessor to Ritalin, in that it supposedly caused hallucinations in susceptible individuals while calming others.
And who would decide what category each customer belonged in and therefore what price he would pay? Why, of course, a veritable army of gullible salesmen who themselves had to pay an initial fee of hundreds of reals in authentic currency to buy their own stock.
Yes, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia was also the predecessor of Herbalife, Amway, and other MLM programs, both legitimate and in the case of its founder, completely spurious. Regardless of how many packages of Flores de Toracinia each "marco" (the first name used by the salesmen regardless of their actual name also became a term of derision for their customers and was the source of the term "mark" for a sucker who is recruited for a de Menubal type scam) sold, the "Compania Santa" would make a huge profit, for dandelions grow like weeds even in rocky Toracinia.
But the millions of reals in profit that came into the coffers of sovereign Toracinia, along with the profits from its debased currency that still was exchanged for actual gold at a ratio of 1:80, was not enough for its king.
He soon turned his greedy eyes toward a particularly weatherbeaten and unappetizing section of the Moorish fortress that had purportedly existed in Toracinia and was now a heap of rubble. The castle was still known as "Crede des Moros" - "The Faith of the Moors," and soon it would be put to use as a medical treatment facility of a type similar to a modern day facility in Queens, New York that bears a similar name.
In other words, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia would build an insane asylum amidst the ruins of his purported fortress. While the patients may have been insane, its founder's motive in building the new hospital was, as always, pure greed.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Carlebach meets Creedmoor - Raheem Carlebach style
BS"D
"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."
"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."
"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."
"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"
"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"
"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"
"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."
"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."
"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..
Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."
"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."
"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."
"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."
"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"
"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"
"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"
"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."
"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."
"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..
Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A word from our sponsor - "Raheem" Smoke Shop, Pharmacy and Loan Center
BS"D
From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).
"Raheem"
Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"
Raheem,
I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem
He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
---switches to rap beat-----
If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).
From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).
"Raheem"
Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"
Raheem,
I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem
He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
---switches to rap beat-----
If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).
Creedmoor Readies Itself for Pilgrimage of 150 Quintillion Souls on Dec 25
BS"D
"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"
So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.
Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.
And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.
Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.
"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"
So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.
Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.
And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.
Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.
Monday, November 09, 2009
"In A One Room Office" Parody of Journeys
BS"D
In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"
In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone
And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he
But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die
When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight
And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail
That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan
No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.
In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"
In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone
And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he
But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die
When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight
And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail
That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan
No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Admou"r Denounces Win of Yankees, Alleges Zionist Plot
BS"D
"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.
The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.
In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.
Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.
Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"
(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)
"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.
The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.
In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.
Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.
Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"
(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Toracinia and Crede de Moros - The de Menubal kingdom
BS"D
Don Vital Hayim de Menubal de Toracinia, whose name was now officially rendered as El Rey de los Reyes Vital Hayim in order to reflect his new self-inflicted kingly status, would soon find out that his choice of land was a fortunate one indeed.
On the very edge of the outcrop, there lived a sort of clan or tribe of rather strange people, who claimed to see visions of horses and snakes and the moon and unicorns dancing around the land.
Today, we would call them schizophrenics and treat them accordingly, but at that time they were either seen as possessed by spirits, or mad. Among them were two older men who claimed to be personalities from earlier times, obscure or perhaps renowned noblemen and squires whose names meant little to their new overlord, Don Hayim Vital de Toracinia.
He found that one of them, a dissheveled, unkempt alcoholic of indeterminate age, inhabited what appeared to be the ruins of an old fortress, and claimed to be "El Defendante del Crede de Moros" - the Defender of the Faith of the Moors. As far as de Menubal was concerned, this meant that the ruins were of an old Moorish castle, and it was time for him to remove the harmless old lunatic and establish himself as "El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros," or the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors.
So, the Don deftly dismembered and disposed of the now former inhabitant of the castle, and displaced another squatter, Alfonso de Majnoun, with a duly produced parchment showing that he, Don Hayim Vital de Menubal, was now the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors and therefore the only rightful inhabitant of the castle.
He was decent enough to provide the second unfortunate with one of his forged alms cards, and to send him to the nearest Jewish town where he was able to use the cards to obtain food free of charge at the local branch of HyperNebela. Of course that food was paid for by the alms fund of the kehilla, who had never seen this latest arrival before but had to accept him as he could not communicate.
Now, Don Vital Hayim was ready for action as he set out to use the remaining psychotic squatters as free labor to turn the castle into the Grand Palace of Toracinia del Crede de Moros, and to have two slightly more talented and lucid squatters melt down base metal and plate it with adulterated gold before placing it in a hastily manufactured stamping device that embossed: "Cinco Reals del Toracinia de Crede del Moros" and a picture of a shechita knife on the front, with a legend "accepted as real tender in all subterranean transport of the Lands of the Empire of Spain, Portugal and Andalusia" on the back.
In other words, by issuing phony tokens, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros de Toracinia, had managed to build what was in essence the first subway. It consisted of a tunnel dug under the unusual little town's kosher slaughterhouse which in turn led to the mikve. Visitors were pulled by a donkey drawn wagon and deposited in the mikve, clothes and all. Residents and visitors were lured to purchase these coins with real gold or silver coins, and then forced to use the subway by rather menacing local psychotics, each of whom received a token a day as their token wages.
And Don Vital Hayim would melt down all the legitimate coins he received from travelers, after having his trusted smelter make a proper impression of their head and tail sides so that he could stamp them on recycled iron swords which he melted down and then plated ever so lightly with the gold of the legitimate coins.
These new counterfeit base metal coins, in high denominations, were gladly accepted by market sellers who handed over change amounting to at least eighty five centavos on the real in legitimate coinage. Invariably, a Toracinian would appear at the market in rags, saying he had come to buy one egg, or one sharp pepper, for his King. And the merchants would accept his real and give him just that, with quite a handful in change.
The eggs were saved for throwing at chariots which entered Toracinia on Shabbat, which was called for a different day each week. And the peppers were soaked to make a blinding, irritating solution that was added to the de Menubal ancestral product "La Barata" so that the mixture could be thrown at women and girls who dared enter the new kingdom on days when entrance was restricted to men.
As for the kosher slaughterhouse, it schechted far more customers than meat. Since Toracinia was so well known for its adherence to tznius, unwitting consumers from as far afield as Yemen would travel to purchase kosher meat there. They were asked to put up a fifty per cent deposit in verifiable coinage and to enter the mikveh via the tunnel before even choosing a cut of meat. Of course they could not enter without purchasing a token, so that they purchased same in the hallway of the butcher shop and handed it to the rather floridly psychotic mikveh attendant, who insisted he was Avraham Avinu and was also the mashgiach for the schechita. Avraham Avinu would then appear after tevila and prove that the unwitting mark had paid for the meat with a token, and that he had paid with counterfeit coinage, which was of course actually produced in Toracinia and substituted for the real coins which the traveler had brought.
After the mark forked over a few more coins, he would be presented with a package of "Nacional Ebreo" smoked meat, a rather unreliable and distasteful product, simply wrapped in a certificate signed by the illiterate wannabe Avraham Avinu as mashgiach. If any customer would protest, he would be duly attacked by the mashgiach, and then would quickly get on his horse or donkey and leave town fast.
But all of these scams were nothing compared to the "Flores de Toracina" and "Bayit del Reposo (Rest Home) del Crede del Moros" that was perpetrated by the son of Don Vital Hayim, Don Samuel Gronem, Gronem being a corruption of the name Geronimo (Jerome).
Don Vital Hayim de Menubal de Toracinia, whose name was now officially rendered as El Rey de los Reyes Vital Hayim in order to reflect his new self-inflicted kingly status, would soon find out that his choice of land was a fortunate one indeed.
On the very edge of the outcrop, there lived a sort of clan or tribe of rather strange people, who claimed to see visions of horses and snakes and the moon and unicorns dancing around the land.
Today, we would call them schizophrenics and treat them accordingly, but at that time they were either seen as possessed by spirits, or mad. Among them were two older men who claimed to be personalities from earlier times, obscure or perhaps renowned noblemen and squires whose names meant little to their new overlord, Don Hayim Vital de Toracinia.
He found that one of them, a dissheveled, unkempt alcoholic of indeterminate age, inhabited what appeared to be the ruins of an old fortress, and claimed to be "El Defendante del Crede de Moros" - the Defender of the Faith of the Moors. As far as de Menubal was concerned, this meant that the ruins were of an old Moorish castle, and it was time for him to remove the harmless old lunatic and establish himself as "El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros," or the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors.
So, the Don deftly dismembered and disposed of the now former inhabitant of the castle, and displaced another squatter, Alfonso de Majnoun, with a duly produced parchment showing that he, Don Hayim Vital de Menubal, was now the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors and therefore the only rightful inhabitant of the castle.
He was decent enough to provide the second unfortunate with one of his forged alms cards, and to send him to the nearest Jewish town where he was able to use the cards to obtain food free of charge at the local branch of HyperNebela. Of course that food was paid for by the alms fund of the kehilla, who had never seen this latest arrival before but had to accept him as he could not communicate.
Now, Don Vital Hayim was ready for action as he set out to use the remaining psychotic squatters as free labor to turn the castle into the Grand Palace of Toracinia del Crede de Moros, and to have two slightly more talented and lucid squatters melt down base metal and plate it with adulterated gold before placing it in a hastily manufactured stamping device that embossed: "Cinco Reals del Toracinia de Crede del Moros" and a picture of a shechita knife on the front, with a legend "accepted as real tender in all subterranean transport of the Lands of the Empire of Spain, Portugal and Andalusia" on the back.
In other words, by issuing phony tokens, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros de Toracinia, had managed to build what was in essence the first subway. It consisted of a tunnel dug under the unusual little town's kosher slaughterhouse which in turn led to the mikve. Visitors were pulled by a donkey drawn wagon and deposited in the mikve, clothes and all. Residents and visitors were lured to purchase these coins with real gold or silver coins, and then forced to use the subway by rather menacing local psychotics, each of whom received a token a day as their token wages.
And Don Vital Hayim would melt down all the legitimate coins he received from travelers, after having his trusted smelter make a proper impression of their head and tail sides so that he could stamp them on recycled iron swords which he melted down and then plated ever so lightly with the gold of the legitimate coins.
These new counterfeit base metal coins, in high denominations, were gladly accepted by market sellers who handed over change amounting to at least eighty five centavos on the real in legitimate coinage. Invariably, a Toracinian would appear at the market in rags, saying he had come to buy one egg, or one sharp pepper, for his King. And the merchants would accept his real and give him just that, with quite a handful in change.
The eggs were saved for throwing at chariots which entered Toracinia on Shabbat, which was called for a different day each week. And the peppers were soaked to make a blinding, irritating solution that was added to the de Menubal ancestral product "La Barata" so that the mixture could be thrown at women and girls who dared enter the new kingdom on days when entrance was restricted to men.
As for the kosher slaughterhouse, it schechted far more customers than meat. Since Toracinia was so well known for its adherence to tznius, unwitting consumers from as far afield as Yemen would travel to purchase kosher meat there. They were asked to put up a fifty per cent deposit in verifiable coinage and to enter the mikveh via the tunnel before even choosing a cut of meat. Of course they could not enter without purchasing a token, so that they purchased same in the hallway of the butcher shop and handed it to the rather floridly psychotic mikveh attendant, who insisted he was Avraham Avinu and was also the mashgiach for the schechita. Avraham Avinu would then appear after tevila and prove that the unwitting mark had paid for the meat with a token, and that he had paid with counterfeit coinage, which was of course actually produced in Toracinia and substituted for the real coins which the traveler had brought.
After the mark forked over a few more coins, he would be presented with a package of "Nacional Ebreo" smoked meat, a rather unreliable and distasteful product, simply wrapped in a certificate signed by the illiterate wannabe Avraham Avinu as mashgiach. If any customer would protest, he would be duly attacked by the mashgiach, and then would quickly get on his horse or donkey and leave town fast.
But all of these scams were nothing compared to the "Flores de Toracina" and "Bayit del Reposo (Rest Home) del Crede del Moros" that was perpetrated by the son of Don Vital Hayim, Don Samuel Gronem, Gronem being a corruption of the name Geronimo (Jerome).
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Breaking News: Creedmoorer Soifer Found Floating in Aegean Sea
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.
Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.
Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.
However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.
Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.
Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.
So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.
However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.
Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.
Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.
However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.
Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.
Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.
So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.
However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.
Newsflash: "Creedmoorer Goyte" arrested with false green card
BS"D
The loyal housekeeper and cleaning lady of the Creedmoorer rabbinical Schmoigerman family, Ana Lidia Gonzalez de Tonterias, has been arrested by ICE agents outside the Creedmoor grounds as she was found to be holding a false green card.
The green card, issued by "Schmoigerman Immigration Agents, Ltd Official Green Card Printers" in the name of "Inzere Goyte" was quickly determined to be false by the arresting agents.
When questioned as to where she obtained the card, she replied: "I no can read nothing. The Rabbi he good man he say with this I stay in country legal because I do big mitzvah cleaning his sinagogo for nine cents hour.."
An interplanetary arrest warrant has been issued for Rabbi David Schmoigerman who has been spending the last few weeks in his satellite synagogue, located on Pluto.
As Schmoigerman is expected to plead and prove insanity, little can be done except to recommit him to Creedmoor should he ever return to Earth.
Mrs Gonzalez de Tonterias is said to be a distant relative of Rabbi Schmoigerman and a descendant of conversos who were forced to pose as cretins so that they could escape to the New World. While in detention at the Manhattan Detention Center and Taco Bell, she produced a 1099 form issued by "The Creedmoor Tzedoko Fund" showing earnings of thirty dollars for the entire year of 2008.
The loyal housekeeper and cleaning lady of the Creedmoorer rabbinical Schmoigerman family, Ana Lidia Gonzalez de Tonterias, has been arrested by ICE agents outside the Creedmoor grounds as she was found to be holding a false green card.
The green card, issued by "Schmoigerman Immigration Agents, Ltd Official Green Card Printers" in the name of "Inzere Goyte" was quickly determined to be false by the arresting agents.
When questioned as to where she obtained the card, she replied: "I no can read nothing. The Rabbi he good man he say with this I stay in country legal because I do big mitzvah cleaning his sinagogo for nine cents hour.."
An interplanetary arrest warrant has been issued for Rabbi David Schmoigerman who has been spending the last few weeks in his satellite synagogue, located on Pluto.
As Schmoigerman is expected to plead and prove insanity, little can be done except to recommit him to Creedmoor should he ever return to Earth.
Mrs Gonzalez de Tonterias is said to be a distant relative of Rabbi Schmoigerman and a descendant of conversos who were forced to pose as cretins so that they could escape to the New World. While in detention at the Manhattan Detention Center and Taco Bell, she produced a 1099 form issued by "The Creedmoor Tzedoko Fund" showing earnings of thirty dollars for the entire year of 2008.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)