Wednesday, January 06, 2010

A New Creedmoor Play: "When Mohammed Meets Moishe" (somewhat sick stuff)


The Creedmoorer Center for Creative Bitul Zman in the Name of Destruction of the Tzioinish Entity (formerly known as the Rehabilitative Drama Center of Creedmoor) presents:

When Mohammed Meets Moishe!

Moishe, a London Ku Klux Kartel yingermann, faces the loss of his income due to the long awaited sentencing of his American shver on Ponzi scheme charges. Since the sentencing includes forfeiture, Moishe is faced with a choice: find easy money or do something productive with his life rather than spend all day in Speakers' Corner preaching how Judaism and Zionism are, as he says: "disproportionately opposed".

After consulting with his Kartel friends throughout the world, he fakes a car accident so as to be admitted to a hospital where he can be easily and successfully evaluated for permanent disability. His roommate in the hospital turns out to be Mohammed, a "student" from the Taliban controlled wilds of Pakistan who lost all four limbs in a harebrained attempt to blow up the Israeli embassy.

When Mohammed finds out his new roommate hates Zionism and Israel even more than he does, the two become fast friends. Moishe even shows Mohammed how to register each lost limb as a fully dead person so as to get four sets of death benefits and backdated life insurance along with his disability. Then, Moishe gets wealthy contributors to the Karta to pay for super high tech prostheses for Mohammed, and the two of them are not coincidentally released from the hospital on the same day. They end up sharing an apartment, because Moishe, realizing his wife can't provide him with a meal ticket anymore, is keeping her an agunah in order to get some of the hidden profits from the Ponzi scams her father had engaged in.

At first it seems as if fanatical, ignorant, violent Mohammed and conniving, venal Moishe make a great pair as Moishe shows Mohammed how to scam the dole, the NHS, and various charities including "The Secular Jewish Alliance For Aiding Our Murderous Enemies". However, Mohammed shows his true colors and makes it clear he hates all Jews, even Ku Klutz Karta members and other extreme anti-Zionists from the right and left. Moishe wises up, and concocts a plot to do away with Mohammed once and for all.

When Mohammed is asleep, Moishe packs his artificial limbs with explosives, and the next morning, after Mohammed has attached them, he tells Mohammed that they will go together to blow up the Israeli embassy. Instead, Moishe delivers Mohammed straight to the police, who of course arrest him for terror. Moishe receives yet another entitlement cheque, in the form of a Royal pension for life, and he goes back to his wife as well as to his shteller in Speakers' Corner, albeit on crutches so he can continue to claim disability and receive painkillers that he resells for quite a large markup.

Excerpts include:

"Mohammed'l, tell me, far what are you wanting 71 pretty brides? You are knowing how hard it is for me to deal with one shvigger? And you want 71? You think that's heaven? Where I come from, even my one shvigger is hell! Come with me tomorrow to sign up on the dole again, when we're up to 10 checks between us I'll buy you a BMW you can drive with your fake arms and legs and you'll see what heaven is!"

"Look, Mohammed, you like these arms? I had them make special for you with tattoos! The left, did they spell it right..." "WOW, Moishe, I wish all the Jews were like you! That says "Allahu Akbar!!" And the right says: "Death to Israel!"

Tickets are 11 food stamps per inch of waist size and are available at "Kanoim Kosher Cellulose Restaurant" and "Merotzchim Butchers" in Circular Square as well as in MegaMehadrin Incendiary Devices Market in Creedmoor.

The play is no longer available on DVD due to the latest pronunciation of the Va'ad haCharomim.

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