Creedmoor Profiles No.2 - Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver - 967 Years of Tshuva - Part 1

As we prepare for the final release of the Admou"r meCreedmoor (who is now stuck in the cargo hold of an Ariana Afghanistan Airlines plane, but more about that shortly), we must take some time to remember those who made Creedmoor what it is today.

So, here is the story of a great tzaddik, Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, who has the distinct demerit to have been sentenced to 967 years in a rather secure Federal Koilel, where he has taken it upon himself to do tshuva for many, many generations yet unborn.

The judge had never seen anything like it. A Chassidic rebbe, dressed rather unusually in a garbage bag and a tinfoil hat, jumping around and dancing while singing verses from Psalms - in the midst of a sentencing hearing...................

The saga started in 2002, when a renegade former Chassid and fugitive by the name of Sholam Weiss was sentenced to 845 years in Federal prison for gross fraud, after having been extradited from Austria. The Admou"r meCreedmoor was not going to let anyone who was not a Creedmoorer Chossid have the honour of being the recipient of the longest prison sentence ever meted out to a Jew in the United States . In addition, he himself was at the edge of receiving a similar sentence in Federal koilel, as a moiser, or perhaps a non-bent and halfway competent psychiatrist, had notified authorities regarding the Admou"r's many insurance and entitlement scams.

So, an opportunity quickly presented itself in the name and wraithlike figure of one Jacinto Rodriguez, the sordid details of whose birth and childhood in Jalisco, Mexico we will spare our faithful readers, as such information is best omitted from a fine, frum family publication like the Creedmoor Chronicles/Vochedige Velt-barimte Pashkvilke. Suffice it to say that years of malnutrition had made their mark upon this gentleman, who may have been on the payroll as a janitor but could also have been a patient whose occupational therapy included sweeping the hallowed halls of D-ward with a rickety old straw broom that matched his rickety appearance and even more rickety intellectual prowess.

One day, the Admou"r was strolling through the premises of his hyliger beis medrash when he spotted Rodriguez holding his broom between his legs, riding it as if it were a horse. Rodriguez cried out "In Mexico I horse thief! Ride 'em cowboy. No buuuuuuullllllllllssssssshhhhhhhheeet! Me Jacinto el ladron y no soy cabron."

The Admou"r told Jacinto in equally broken Yingspanglish: "Di bist a ladron? Di host gelt? Give me por favor drei tolar oder eppes some foodstemp and I give you benedicion! I make your horsey live forever and be real big horse and I big rabbi so I no make no hooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrsesheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

It was clear that Jacinto had a bit of a comprehension problem where Creedmoorer Yiddish was concerned, for he attempted to hit the Admou"r with the broom, and said broom immediately surrendered its dusty soul to the creator of dust bunnies, leaving Jacinto bereft of his gallant steed. Now, Jacinto began to cry: "Heyzooos, Maria y todos los santos, mi caballo dead, no more cowboy, just beeeeeg buuuuuuuuullllllsheeeeeeeeeet rabbi!"

Now, the Admou"r proved just what a ba'al midois Sdoim he truly was, is and continues to be. He quickly offered the moaning, wailing Jacinto a new steed (obtained from a nearby utility closet and marked "Property of the New York State Department of Demental Health" - for a month's ration of food stamps! To make sure that the dilapidated little Mexican understood, the equally dilapidated Admou"r held out his hyliger thumb and rubbed it against his fingers, and then stretched out his hand and said: "Gimme food stamp, cowboy!"

Jacinto could produce only fifty dollars worth of food stamps, so that the Admou"r separated the horse's head from its torso, or more correctly the broom's head from the stick, and gave the mighty steed's head to his latest customer. He then told Jacinto: "Tomorrow you bring me tzvai hinnert dinero and I give you horsey. You no bring and you get horseyshhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeetttttt!"

The stunned Jacinto headed off into the sunset, clutching his new mount's head like a security blanket as he set off to find two hundred dollars worth of Federal entitlement money. In the meantime, the Admou"r was stunned by the arrival of a Federal document of another sort - a notice of investigation for massive welfare, section 8, and Medicaid fraud - addressed to Dr Pervez Muktadar Khan, the latest in a string of psychiatrists who were on the payroll of the hyliger Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor for the purpose of receiving various and sundry undeserved multiple benefits payments on behalf of the hyliger Admou"r himself.

So, the Admou"r quickly realized that he had to attend to matters far more pressing than cheating a decrepit little Mexican janitor out of a month's worth of food stamps. After all, Khan was as big a tzaddik as the Admou"r himself, and since Khan could easily turn state's evidence in exchange for deportation, the Admou"r realized he might exchange his present rabbinic titles for that of "Rosh Koilel of the Hyliger Leavenworth Koilel" for many, many years.....

Tam venishlam Part 1 - Part 2 coming soon!