Friday, July 15, 2011

Admou"r Arrested for Harebrained Fish Scheme; To Serve Four Weeks of House Arrest


Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a controversial Grand Rabbi, was arrested and pleaded guilty to one count of "petty and ridiculous fraud in the first degree" after he was observed returning fish heads to a pet store from which he purchased three hundred goldfish in order to make "gefilte fish."

Petco personnel said that Schmoigerman, whose passport states he was born in 1955 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary but who has several birth certificates from Hawaii as well as Kenya, had purchased the entire stock of goldfish from their Jamaica, Queens branch for what he claimed was an aquarium display in his "Bnei Bisha veCherpa" boys' school. The Grand Rabbi paid with an American Express card in the name of Elvis Presley, and showed identification proving that that was indeed his name.

Nevertheless, the Admou"r returned 45 minutes later with 300 decapitated fish and claimed that he was entitled to a full refund as the fish did not survive one week as per the store's guarantee. The store manager called police, who carted Schmoigerman off to the precinct house where he received an expedited desk appearance ticket.

While Schmoigerman claims to be the head of an independent country, he needed to be reminded of the difference between Jamaica, Queens, which is part of the US, and not a party to his scam of a treaty in which he declared independence, and Jamaica, an island nation in the West Indies that recognizes his country as a prerequisite for receiving UN aid under the "Aid to Phantom Nations Which Support Anti-Zionist Entities" program.

Therefore, rather than risking prosecution for over 150 quintillion counts of gross fraud, Schmoigerman was summarily sentenced to 4 weeks of house arrest during which he must wear a 24 karat gold Cartier ankle bracelet.

In other words, due to present events in the community, Creedmoor will begin its three weeks hiatus early. We will return with the two promised updates after 9 Av.

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