SICK STUFF: The Creedmoorer Tznius Play - The Short Life and Even Shorter Limbs of Shprintzy Landau

BS"D

(Warning: This is sick, sick stuff and not for the faint of heart. However, as this is Creedmoor, any comments complaining about it will be mercilessly pilloried).

Yachnes and Choleryes Auxiliary of K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and Byse Pritza High School Senior Class Third Repeat Present:

The Short Life and Even Shorter Limbs of Shprintzy Landau.

45667 Av 5708/Ramadan 768, 1401

Atlantic Avenue Islamic Center

Sheikh Ahmed Yassin Memorial Hall

Brooklyn, New York, Zionist Occupied States of Americhke

Tickets: 45 - 950 food stamps. Sponsored seats 2000, 5000, and 10000 Section 8 Vouchers.

Starrink: 

Izevel Schmendrickberger as Shprintzy

Vashti Krechtzhandler as The Principal

Shprintzy is a rather rebellious, yet popular, 10th grade student in a well known "hymish" girls' school. Not one to conform with tznius rules, she is known for wearing short sleeves and short skirts at simchas as well as for making her uniform skirt hem so high that she has been sent home on several occasions.

One day, she is stricken with a horrible infection that causes her to lose her arms and legs, so that, as her well respected principal announces to the class: "Mydlach, for once I want you should know that your friend Shprintzy is dressed tznius."

The girls, knowing full well what happened to Shprintzy, not only are scared into keeping tznius forever but also shun poor Shprintzy, and her parents disown her because she is bad for shidduchim.

Shprintzy, ever the rebel, returns to school anyway in a sleeveless vest and the most absurdly short skirt imaginable. The infection returns, causing her six months of agony on a respirator until she dies, unmourned, and is buried in a very remote part of her community's cemetery.

Here is the hit song that will appear on a special disk for women only:

Music: The Locomotion which of course is kashered and uplifted by any Creedmoorer lyrics written to it!

Words specially written for the play by the Admou"r himself who will appear at the end to inspect all clothing worn by guests and will give brochos and aytzis accordingly!

Shprintzy Landau's doing a brand new dance now

Come on Shprintzy, do the Amputation

You see where it leads your tznius violation?

Come on Shprintzy, do the Amputation

Your sleeves and your skirt at last they fit

Because your limbs are down to the last little bit

So come on, come on, do the Amputation with me!

And who can fail to be moved straight to the exit when she hears Shprintzy's lament, set to original music by the one and only Mrs Vilda-Chaye Menivelman:

Short but sweet, short but sweet

I have no hands, I have no feet

Where are my friends?

I have seen not one!

Why is it 

That they all have gone?

Gone like my limbs

Where once I had four

I now have none

Short but sweet, short but sweet

I have no hands, I have no feet

I thought it would be so neat

To wear clothing that is short but sweet

But now I have no hands, no arms and no feet

I cry in sadness, I cry in defeat

Short but sweet, short but sweet

I have no hands, I have no feet

This play has been presented in many girls' schools throughout Iran and Afghanistan and has truly had wondrous results:

"My Farida was letting her burqa slip time and time again in madrassa and she distracting boys who were concentrating on their terrorism and hatred studies. Her brother, my only son, my Omar Abdulla Mohammed, the pride of my life, who became a shahid when he tried to throw himself under a car in Kabul because my cousin the livery cab driver in Brooklyn taught him how to fake accidents, wanted to throw hot acid on Farida to teach her a lesson. I say no, no, we go to this Jewish play and we see even Jewish people get punished by Allah for sloppy dress. She change fast when she see scenes of Shprintzy in intensive care no arm no legs just stump and chest like failed suicide bomber." (Jamilla Talibani, Ferdabad, Afghanistan).

"I make this play now every year in Farsi for my 11th grade class where average student is 34 year old. Ayatollah Khomeini very very proud he look on from heaven and see me doing play even though it from infidel Jews especial because we really use chain saw and take limbs off girl we find in street not dress right." (Shahnaz Mohammadi, Principal, Khomeini High School for the Remediation of Repeat Violations of the Proper Islamic Dress and Moral Code, Shiraz, Iran).

"Dis iz zer a git play azoy vi when the mydlach see it dey is think the play is so sick joke det tznius also must be funny and iz wantink to come to myne varehouse end buy der short stuff which is wearink Shprintzy. Even I am sponserink it in myne own tochterl's a school in Monsey end in der semitery far teachers oichet azoy vi I ken sell myne summer stuff far de shikslach and de modernishe oichet far inzerer in mitten vinter! 

I sell now to Byse Yakov, Byse Fygie, Byse Rivke, Byse Frime, Byse Kisse mydlach 10 time as many short skirt and short sleeve as I do tzurik. Tenk you Rebbetzin Schmoigerman and Mrs. Minevelman far dis great play!" (Solomon Feketeszar, Fekete's Super Mehadrin Girls and Ladies' Fashion and School Uniformlach, Monsey)

---

I promise no more sick stuff like this..............or do I?????

Emergency Kashrus Psak and New Calendar System from Der Admou"r

BS"D

"It is totally, utterly and very strictly forbidden to walk in the ways of the goyim and the Tzioinim in any way, shape or form!  Work and honest business dealings are considered chukas hagoyim al pi tabaat the extinguished and unsalted writings of my hyliger ancestors and all other gedoilim who cling to the walls of the kisse hakavoid and can be removed only through heavy scrubbing and brushing.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim that any food product, even those which are certified 'naki mekoil chashas timas haTzioinis' such as the Saudi Arabian petroleum kishke and Malaysian rubber cholent potatoes sold under our affiliated brand name Maachal Ben Drusoy, is considered tryfe and nevyle when purchased for cash earned according to legal means as defined by the justice system and society of the Tzioinim or the Tzioinish and Tumadige Republic of Americhke or its Canadian satellite. 

As of today 5539 Av 5708*/641 Ramadan 1329, even our chain of Bais Chaval tourist centers which welcome tourists in the manner of Sdoim of old are instructed not to serve any food for Tuesday Shabbos dinners and Thursday cholent lunches if this food must be obtained with cash which is earned through any means other than scamming, and we once again remind the shluchim of Beis Chaval that they must uphold the standards of Creedmoor in every way no matter how far they are located from Byse Chayosynee and what planetary system governs the jurisdiction in which they are located.

I instruct those who walk in the remaining half watt of Chassidis Creedmor ve'shaar marin bishin to eat only that which is known to have been purchased with fraudulent welfare benefits, even if it means foregoing those Creedmoorer products which are available in remote communities where one risks confiscation of forged welfare benefits and similar instruments of trade which are among those accepted under this edict, and those who are machmir to purchase all foodstuffs with counterfeit currency are especially praiseworthy (ubaal goial nefesh yachmir)!"

* In addition, as of today we count the date from the establishment of the Tzioinish medina which is redefined as 9 Av 5708, and since there can be no simcha after the establishment of the medine there is no month other than Av in the Naye Creedmoorer Luach. In addition out of respect for our Islamic brethren in the cause of destroying the Tzioinish entity it is praiseworthy to use a date in Ramadan as well.

We must rely on the same hallowed and arbitrary means of calculating the exact day as we use when calculating the amount of welfare benefits accruing to each personality al pi the sefer Kaballah "Azazel HaMalach" of the Admou"r haKoidesh of Leavenworth ZYL"A, so that it matters little what day in Av it is, only that all dates have four digits or more in Av 5708 when the sun stopped shining over Tel Baruch and the land stopped giving its bounty..............

-Admou'r Dovid Schmoigerman, Great Light of the Nation Allied in Deceit and Gross Theft (Ha'am misyacheid bemirma vegezel), Grand Rabbi of the Disjointed Community of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor and All Branches Thereof Throughout All Galaxies In Which Welfare and Disabilty Benefits Are Granted and Where Fire Insurance Policies May Be Issued.

Signed this day of 898676 Av 5708/3245 Ramadan 1409.