Saturday, March 21, 2009

SICK STUFF: The Creedmoorer Tznius Play - The Short Life and Even Shorter Limbs of Shprintzy Landau

BS"D

(Warning: This is sick, sick stuff and not for the faint of heart. However, as this is Creedmoor, any comments complaining about it will be mercilessly pilloried).

Yachnes and Choleryes Auxiliary of K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and Byse Pritza High School Senior Class Third Repeat Present:

The Short Life and Even Shorter Limbs of Shprintzy Landau.

45667 Av 5708/Ramadan 768, 1401
Atlantic Avenue Islamic Center
Sheikh Ahmed Yassin Memorial Hall
Brooklyn, New York, Zionist Occupied States of Americhke
Tickets: 45 - 950 food stamps. Sponsored seats 2000, 5000, and 10000 Section 8 Vouchers.

Starrink: 
Izevel Schmendrickberger as Shprintzy
Vashti Krechtzhandler as The Principal

Shprintzy is a rather rebellious, yet popular, 10th grade student in a well known "hymish" girls' school. Not one to conform with tznius rules, she is known for wearing short sleeves and short skirts at simchas as well as for making her uniform skirt hem so high that she has been sent home on several occasions.

One day, she is stricken with a horrible infection that causes her to lose her arms and legs, so that, as her well respected principal announces to the class: "Mydlach, for once I want you should know that your friend Shprintzy is dressed tznius."

The girls, knowing full well what happened to Shprintzy, not only are scared into keeping tznius forever but also shun poor Shprintzy, and her parents disown her because she is bad for shidduchim.

Shprintzy, ever the rebel, returns to school anyway in a sleeveless vest and the most absurdly short skirt imaginable. The infection returns, causing her six months of agony on a respirator until she dies, unmourned, and is buried in a very remote part of her community's cemetery.

Here is the hit song that will appear on a special disk for women only:

Music: The Locomotion which of course is kashered and uplifted by any Creedmoorer lyrics written to it!

Words specially written for the play by the Admou"r himself who will appear at the end to inspect all clothing worn by guests and will give brochos and aytzis accordingly!

Shprintzy Landau's doing a brand new dance now
Come on Shprintzy, do the Amputation
You see where it leads your tznius violation?
Come on Shprintzy, do the Amputation
Your sleeves and your skirt at last they fit
Because your limbs are down to the last little bit
So come on, come on, do the Amputation with me!

And who can fail to be moved straight to the exit when she hears Shprintzy's lament, set to original music by the one and only Mrs Vilda-Chaye Menivelman:

Short but sweet, short but sweet
I have no hands, I have no feet

Where are my friends?
I have seen not one!
Why is it 
That they all have gone?
Gone like my limbs
Where once I had four
I now have none

Short but sweet, short but sweet
I have no hands, I have no feet

I thought it would be so neat
To wear clothing that is short but sweet
But now I have no hands, no arms and no feet
I cry in sadness, I cry in defeat

Short but sweet, short but sweet
I have no hands, I have no feet

This play has been presented in many girls' schools throughout Iran and Afghanistan and has truly had wondrous results:

"My Farida was letting her burqa slip time and time again in madrassa and she distracting boys who were concentrating on their terrorism and hatred studies. Her brother, my only son, my Omar Abdulla Mohammed, the pride of my life, who became a shahid when he tried to throw himself under a car in Kabul because my cousin the livery cab driver in Brooklyn taught him how to fake accidents, wanted to throw hot acid on Farida to teach her a lesson. I say no, no, we go to this Jewish play and we see even Jewish people get punished by Allah for sloppy dress. She change fast when she see scenes of Shprintzy in intensive care no arm no legs just stump and chest like failed suicide bomber." (Jamilla Talibani, Ferdabad, Afghanistan).

"I make this play now every year in Farsi for my 11th grade class where average student is 34 year old. Ayatollah Khomeini very very proud he look on from heaven and see me doing play even though it from infidel Jews especial because we really use chain saw and take limbs off girl we find in street not dress right." (Shahnaz Mohammadi, Principal, Khomeini High School for the Remediation of Repeat Violations of the Proper Islamic Dress and Moral Code, Shiraz, Iran).

"Dis iz zer a git play azoy vi when the mydlach see it dey is think the play is so sick joke det tznius also must be funny and iz wantink to come to myne varehouse end buy der short stuff which is wearink Shprintzy. Even I am sponserink it in myne own tochterl's a school in Monsey end in der semitery far teachers oichet azoy vi I ken sell myne summer stuff far de shikslach and de modernishe oichet far inzerer in mitten vinter! 

I sell now to Byse Yakov, Byse Fygie, Byse Rivke, Byse Frime, Byse Kisse mydlach 10 time as many short skirt and short sleeve as I do tzurik. Tenk you Rebbetzin Schmoigerman and Mrs. Minevelman far dis great play!" (Solomon Feketeszar, Fekete's Super Mehadrin Girls and Ladies' Fashion and School Uniformlach, Monsey)

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I promise no more sick stuff like this..............or do I?????

4 comments:

Mushkie said...

Please promise!!!
Point well taken but it was borderline, even for Creedmoor.

Der Shygetz said...

BS"D

I don't think I will do anything this sick again - don't worry.

josh waxman said...

for an example of people putting this sort of stuff forth seriously, see here:

http://dreamingofmoshiach.blogspot.com/2008/05/meaning-of-life-true-story.html

kt,
josh

Der Shygetz said...

BS"D

LOL yes I came across it early this morning b/c a friend's blog links to it. Iwas looking for a place to comment so that I could ridicule that fantasy for what it was.

An even worse one came out on video within the past 6 months.

I will probably use that one for material in due time!