Friday, September 30, 2005

Wasalulav - a new member of the Cretin Constellation of Creedmoor

Recent advances in psychotropic medications meant freedom for many of the truly ill patients of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. Indeed, it was the availability of extra space for professional malingerers and incurable frauds such as a certain Admou"r and his gabbai, that allowed for the formation of K'hal Sinos Chinom d'Creedmoor - Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor.

Alas, these medications are not perfect, and some patients are never fully cured. Some of these unfortunates reside in a sort of no man's land - in and out of hospitals, never fully able to function, but not necessarily in need of institutionalization.

And who better to exploit this psychiatric limbo, especially if the patient has some tenuous claim to being Jewish, than the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, who constantly trolls the depths of human flotsam and jetsam to attract more Chassidim to his conflagration of a congregation, knowing that - marbeh benefashos, marbeh bewelfare! Surely, a patient with true multiple personality syndrome, and an angry, dejected, hostile personality, is just what the Admou"r ordered.

So, when a 12 year old boy was somehow transferred from A (Acute) ward to the Admou"r's D (Disjointed) ward fiefdom, there was "koil sassoin vekol simcha, koil chosson vekoil - hatan bar misswah (as pronounced by our young subject's haham, the one and only Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar)."

Jose Enrique Perez is only a Jewish name to those who believe that every third Hispanic is descended from conversos (marranos); Jews who were forced to convert to Xity during the time of the Spanish Inquisition. But as far as the Creedmoorer Communities are concerned, conversion to Judaism can easily be accomplished - so long as adjustments are made to the ger lo-tzedek's records so as to allow for welfare funds to be deposited directly to an account held by "Creedmoorer Section 8 Realty Corp." And again - the more the merrier. Every additional personality means an additional cheque.

Now, our Senorito Perez was a rather sorry specimen. Practically catatonic, he shook and shivered, no matter the temperature in Creedmoor. He hardly ate, so that his weight never seemed to exceed a rather wraithlike 50 pounds. On the day Jose visited the Admou"r for the first time, the Admou"r's window was open so that a strong breeze blew through the room. This strong wind exacerbated Jose Perez's shaking, so that when he entered, the Admou"r turned to Haham Loyashar, his Minister for Sefardi Affairs, and said "Er shakes, er shakes azoy vi a lulav. Eppes er iz geven a lulav bai an anderer gilgul?"

Haham Loyashar, as a true expert in kabbala, sheyodea lekabel, lekabel, ve'od lekabel, declared "Admou"r bar-minan aleyhem hashalom, we must convert this tam wayashar immediately! Do you have a 110 to 220 transformer ready to convert his voltage?"

The Admou"r replied "Iz nisht kyne inyan fin volts. Er hot tvelf yohr. Tvelf yohr ken nit hobn a welfare check alline!"

Haham Loyashar, whose very identity came about because of the work of a forger from a certain Caucasian ex-USSR republic, immediately called his largest contributor - Printabuck of Rego Park - Moshiach Hakolbishvili and Sons Custom Currency Printing. Within the hour, a courier arrived with a new birth certificate for Jose Enrique Perez, showing an age of 18, which is Bar Mitzvah age in Creedmoor. Why 18, you ask? Surely by now you must know - 18 is the age at which federal entitlement programs consider a child to have become an adult. And what mitzvah is more important to a Creedmoorer than gezel from federal entitlement programs? Perhaps m. zochor, but that is another story altogether.

Now, the festivities could begin. Haham Loyashar, the "convertador," (and a licenced chemical deconstructional engineer) mixed a small amount of arak with a slightly larger amount of liquid swimming pool chlorine. He handed the mixture to the taciturn, dazed Jose and told him to repeat: "Just as I drink this bleach, so too shall the sin of Ahavat Israel be bleached from my neshama, and I will merit to hold back the Redemption of anything other than food stamps with double manufacturer's coupons."

Jose of course had no idea of what he was saying, but he did remember hearing the Admou"r say "Wasalulav." So, instead of repeating the text, he cried out repeatedly: "Wasalulav, Wasalulav, Wasalulav!"

Haham Loyashar realized that he and his Admou"r were especially lucky today. They had a bona fide shoiteh in their possession; a shoiteh who could be used for any purpose they desired.

And they had a great purpose in mind - Wasalulav (he received at least three cheques in the name of Wasa Lulavic, born 33 August 1987 in Zbaly, Croatia) would administer the Chaval (Chamorim ve'Leitzanim) organization on behalf of the Admou'r and in conjunction with another man who does much to delay the coming of Moshiach - the one and only and thankfully the one and only Aharon Binyomin Ha'agogi Hamanzon.

To that end, Wasalulav (whose abysymal intellect as reflected in his spelling on another welfare application renders his name as Wasalubab in certain circles) was given an unauthorised Internet account at Creedmoor. Using this account, he spews hatred and venom at those who try to do all that is in their power to put an end to this long, dark golus. And all of this is financed in true Creedmoor fashion - with funds provided by the honest taxpayers of the United States of America.

Shreit gevalt!

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