The "HASC" 20 Concert Theme Song

ith Just to clarify things, this is not the HASC we all know and love - this is the Creedmoorer moisad "Hebrew Academy for Serious Criminals" also known as Federal Koilel. HASC provides convicts and their families with support by means of income tax and welfare scams, dubious insurance payments, fishy stock deals and other such chessed projects. Next year, HASC will be presenting a concert featuring....

LIPA SCHMELCZER

(at least that is what it says on his MasterCard)

And here is a sneak preview featuring the hit song "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt" (music - Abi Mi'Lebt)

The presentation begins by showing Lipa standing alongside the highway that leads from New Square to the Catskills, wearing a set of hospital pajamas marked "Please Return to Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital." He sticks out his thumb to hitch a ride and a sympathetic chassidishe driver asks him "Where to?"

Lipa replies: "Eppes you ken take mir to the nearest supermarket mit a pharmessy? I have to mach fill dis prescription in I don't want no one should know what it is for..." The driver agrees - and Lipa gets out at a Shop-Rite not far from Monticello.

Lipa: I want you should fill now dis prescription - here is fin Medikaid mayn kart...

Pharmacist: (heavy Indian accent): Sir, that Medicaid card is expired. Do you have a new one?

Lipa: You want I should go all the way beck tzu New Sqver in get mayn naye kart? Maybe you take MasterCart?

Pharmacist: Sure, but I'll have to charge you full price...

Lipa: (handing over a MasterCard): What's the difference? Ich bin tzu drayt!

(Music begins):

Lipa: Hi! I think mayn name is Lipa, and I going to teach you how to commit a gantzer felony and get off every time!

(silly mock Jamaican humming)

"Everyone think I'm a shlepper, but it just not true. I own twenty-five slum buildings on 3rd Evenue"

20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

"Never one day did I give heat, and no hot water too. Now most landlords would go to jail, dat much is true"

20 times or so - "ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

But when I go to de courthouse, I dress just like this! And I go and tell the judge: Mayn tuches you should kiss!"

20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

Pharmacist interrupts: Mr Shmelscissors (confused by SCHMELCZER on card) - this card does not go through.

Lipa hands over a card in the name "Mordechai ben David," muttering to himself ...this guy is rich fun his father and he charges even more for weddings than I do...and so what if it's nisht mayn kart...

Music again: "And so de judge he tell me: To jail you can't go!" Thirty days in a padded cell, from that you should know."

20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"

(Meanwhile, the camera turns to the real MBD, who is in the back of the store buying soda for his weekend in the mountains. MBD, his cart full, comes toward the pharmacy department..."

"So every time you get arrested, go to court and act insane. Thirty days in beis mishegoyim, and pills for your brain..."

Pharmacist interrupts again: "Mr Schmelcersiser, I am afraid we just do not have 400 Oxycontin in this store. Besides, it is illegal to prescribe so many. Where did you get this prescription?

Lipa: What do you want from mayn life? My tenants all ask me to bring them this every time I leave the hospital. So I wrote myself the prescription! What you want fun mayn leben? Ich bin tzu drayt!

Music again - 20 times or so - Ich Bin Tzu Drayt.

MBD to pharmacist: Excuse me - what number sunscreen should I buy for my little grandchildren?

Pharmacist: The display is over there - I am quite busy with another customer...

Lipa: Reb Yid, ken you helf mir? The shygetz he says he ken't fill mayn prescription! Ken I write one for you and then you give me the pills?

Lipa dips his hand in MBD's pocket and steals his wallet, dropping the phony credit card in the namke of Mordechai ben David on the floor. MBD realizes he is dealing with a meshuggener and calls Hatzoloh. The pharmacist calls the police. The two arrive simultaneously.

Lipa to Hatzoloh paramedic: I'm going mit dir! Take me back to Rockland County beis mishegoyim. Ich bin tzu drayt!

In the meantime, MBD is on the cash line, and realizes Lipa has stolen his wallet. A fan recognizes him and lends him money so he can pay for his order. He pays quickly, and heads for his SUV, speeding in hot pursuit after the Hatzoloh ambulance. He is pulled over and ticketed.

Finally, the ambulance has arrived at thge hospital. Lipa breaks out of his restraints and heads for nearby bushes. After relieving himself, he stops for a second to show off the wallet full of cash and cards that he just stole.

He says: Do you think I'm really tzu drayt?

The announcer then says: And next, a tribute to thirty years of frum white collar crime....from Bernard Bergman to Avigdor and the boys - - featuring our very talented special guest, out on furlough for this special occasion.....SHOLAM WEISS!