Monday, September 12, 2005

CPSC and Creedmoor Cooperate on New Labeling Rules for Solvents

(BPS): Thanks to the efforts of a controversial Queens rabbi, flammable solvents sold in the New York area will include very detailed labels in Yiddish. The rabbi, David Schmoigerman, known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor, after the psychiatric facility in which he resides, had issued an official complaint regarding the lack of Yiddish language labels on highly flammable petroleum distillate based solvents, such as paint thinner and kerosene:

Rabbi Shmoigerman: "In our communities, you know, we hold that it is schvach - praiseworthy - to burn down our warehouses for insurance money. But some of our people, they don't know so well from English; they barely know the difference between paint thinner and paint remover, and from acetone they have never heard. So what are they supposed to do when even in our stores the labels are only in English? Besides, the labels don't have the kind of information we need; it says about thinning paint, about cleaning lawn moters, but for why nothing about burning warehouses and stores? This is very important to those who follow Creedmoorer chassidus, which is the essence of the holiest of holies, the very fiftieth level of impurity to which we aspire. So it is like racism here; the labels are discriminatory from us because they don't tell us how we should use the solvents in our religious ceremonies."

But now, all of this has changed. A visitor to Hymishe Hardware in Burro Park, Brooklyn, showed us a bottle of acetone which was labeled in Yiddish, and even listed information about the amount per square foot that is necessary to burn a warehouse to the ground. (for safety reasons, we cannot disclose this information here, but our sources explain that only Rabbi Schmoigerman can make such calculations, based on the numerical values of the Hebrew letters which make up the name of the solvent, a mystical practice known as gematriya.)

Rabbi Schmoigerman: "So, I have a couple from Congressmen in mayn pocket and I tells them, make the Government that we support so much by taking their welfare help us and get us lables in Yiddish. And it costs me 3 months of food stamps so I can buy a couple of people some cars, but in the end the Commission from Consumer Safety Pins or whatever it's called, they put me on theur payroll azoy vi a consultant so I should write the labels, and here we are. Great country, America!"

Indeed, this is a way in which we celebrate our ethnic diversity as proud Americans. America should have more citizens like Rabbi Schmoigerman, and many more places like Creedmoor to hold them all.

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