Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Creedmoor Takes the Financial Markets by Storm - Part 2

At this point, the Admou"r was becoming as brazen as could be regarding his financial shenanigans. As a leader of both a Native American nation (Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree had mysteriously disappeared and is said to be enjoying a long sojourn somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle) and an independent nation, he realized he no longer had to feign insanity to retain his rent-free castle in Creedmoor. Nevertheless, his new silk tish bekeshe, which replaced his former orange plastic model, was the only tish bekeshe in existence that included Disney World cartoon characters in its intricate pattern. And his shtreimel, said to be polar bear fur dyed in a panda pattern, included a badge on the front saying "Down with Rubashkin - Long Live PETA!"

And he no longer feared venturing outside of Creedmoor. He was often spotted in such ehrliche frum hangouts as Atlantic City and Las Vegas, buying many chips, and selling them on credit to addicted gamblers, at rates as high as 75% markup, payable before leaving the casino. When caught by management, he would remove his white homburg and change to a black Borsalino, claiming he was the Chabad shaliach, come to put tefillin on with Jewish punters. Needless to say, he was not able to get away with this too many times, and several casinos banned him as a result. Instead, he set up a storefront manned by a Mexican immigrant of the wetback variety, who was duly paid a dollar a day for his trouble. From this storefront, punters could call the Admou"r's "Gamblers Anonymous Gemach" and arrange for a cash loan at 75% per day interest. The money would arrive, delivered by wetback, within a half hour, and woe betide the punter who did not return 175% of the sum, in cash, the next day.

But most important, it was in Atlantic City that he met Joaquin Dominguez, formerly of Santiago, Cuba and now of no fixed address. Joaquin was spotted cadging food and Dumpster diving one rainy night in Las Vegas. He approached the Admou"r for a handout, and was of course rebuffed with a very rude "Kishin Tuches - Shygetz Aroys!" The beggar did not understand a word the Admou"r said, and continued to stretch out his hand while muttering about Castro, and a Ford convertible. The Admou"r figured that Joaquin had just seen a Castro Convertibles commercial, but the truth was very different. You see, Joaquin was one of the infamous Marielitos - criminals and mental patients sent by Fidel Castro as a goodwill gift to his fellow Communist, Jimmy Carter.

And the Cuban continued with his monologue: "Castro he throw mee in de jailhouse because I steeel a Ford convertible. Ten yeers long time. Crazy peeples live with me and I be crazy now too. Castro throw me on raft in Mariel and I float Miami. Hold up the likker store with a plastic knife and I go looney bin!"

The Admou"r's eyes lit up when he heard the words "looney bin!" Why, this man could get a committment order to Creedmoor in a New York minute - and from there - he would go from a man who stole a Ford to a Ferdganver....in less time than it took the Hakolbishvili brothers and Olamnivrabishvili to print a passport........

Part 3 coming all too soon!

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